The NFL Draft is pretty stupid. Correction: Football fans getting all tumescent about the NFL Draft is stupid. Trying to predict which player is drafted by which team in which order is tremendously stupid. So TheBallerLifestyle.com Podcast invited a couple of special guests to our world headquarters for our own draft of sorts. The first of the epic two-part inaugural Baller Lifestyle Draftstravaganza podcast, featuring special guests Travis Rodgers (@TravisRodgers) and Jason Stewart (@JasonStewart) will post here and on iTunes tonight.
What follows is a list of the Draftstravaganza categories. Feel free to play along.
Round One: Choose a fictional action hero to babysit your children.
Round Two: Choose a pre-Civil War politician to compete in punt, pass and kick.
Round Three: Select a professional athlete you feel has the highest likelihood of being arrested during a vice raid of gay bath houses (Jerry Rice is off the board, obvious reasons).
Round Four: Select a pornography genre.
Round Five: Pick a TV mom you’d like to have sex with.
Round Six: Choose a character from the greatest TV drama of all time, The Wire, to be your real life best friend.
Round Seven: Select the achilles tendon of a fictional athlete that you would like to personally sever.
Round Eight: Assume you are incarcerated and a riot breaks out in the yard. Your only choice for survival is with the assistance of a character from 1970s or 1980s sitcom. Who are you taking?
Round Nine: Select a game show host to compete in a fight-to-the-death tournament vs. other game show hosts.
Round Ten: Pick a fictional high school to attend.
Round 11: You have a time machine. It can only transport you to 1992. Select an individual to punch in the face.
Round 12: Select a current athlete purely on the basis of dinosaur resemblance (Chris Bosh is exempt, obvious reasons).
Round 1) SNAKE PLISSKEN and since he’d be off the board by the time it’s my pick my backup would be SEVER (and shame on all of you for not-knowing & googling her… she’d be awesome @ disciplining Knuckles & Chuckles while I’m away)
Round 2) Xerxes I (obvs)… dude had mad game tossing spears and kicking the severed heads of his minions who failed against those pesky Spartans
Round 3) Tom Brady because he’s aready mastered one team so might as well dominate the other too
1: John Connor *adult Christian Bale version he would demand kids to go to bed or he will make a terminator that will put em to bed*
2: Aaron Burr, that guy had accuracy
3: Terrell Owens and for bonus points he would be caught with white stuff up his nose and in his mouth
4: Blondes, a safe pick
5: Suzanne Somers from Step by Step when she was still in her prime and if she would fuck Patrick Duffy then my odds would be good
6: Rhonda Pearlman, never saw The Wire but she looks the hottest
7: Rocky Balboa so we never have to get another shitty sequel
8: Mork; Can escape in his egg ship and try to get with Mindy
9: Drew Carey from Price is Right cause he can easily eat everyone he’s still fat right?
10: Lawndale High from Daria because 90s and shit
11: Jay Leno for becoming Tonight Show host
12: Peyton Manning; there were dinosaurs with large foreheads right?
1. John McClane…not so good with his own kids, but I think he would be good with someone else’s.
2. George Washington…he seems to have a little game in him.
3. Tim Tebow seems to have a dark secret in there somewhere.
4. Babysitter…she is always so naughty.
5. Mrs. Keaton from “Family Ties”.
6. Bunk Moreland…he likes to drink and have fun, plus “I’m a humble motherfucker with a big dick, well, maybe I ain’t so humble”.
7. Rob Lowe in “Youngblood”
8. Nick from “Family Ties”
9. No Question it’s Bob Barker…remember “Happy Gilmore”?
10. Beverly Hills 90210 school, that place had everything.
11. Without a doubt – Dylan McKay on 90210
12. Andrew Luck…
1. Dominic Toretto (as soon as you are in his circle you are fam and he will die for you, knows how to fix things)
2. George Washington (most of the competition would concede out of respect)
3. Rob Gronkowski (he wouldn’t be there to do “things”, he’d be there by accident)
4. The mature subset of 30-early 40 y.o. broads (with either a good boob job or no boob job)
5. Claire Dunphy (she is dirty in character and irl, no fucking doubt)
6. I never watched “The Wire” [ducks]
7. Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher (he was a bitch)
8. Steve Keaton (I somehow think he’d talk our way out of any danger)
9. Regis vs. Betty White (it’s a toss up and it really could go either way)
10. Harbor School from “The O.C.” (Rachel Bilz… BIG FAN)
11. Can I punch one person from Color Me Badd and like dominoes they all fall?
12. I can’t even think of a dinosaur, lol