The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD AND OTHER MIND GAMES

We open, as always, where we left off last week with high school freshmen Shawn and Kaitlyn sitting on her daggy hotel room sofa with Shawn questioning her about whether she’s in love with him. Shawn needs to calm down and back off, we’re ALL feeling claustrophobic now. He’s ready to be exclusive only that’s not how this thing works, buddy.

Kaitlyn tells him not to put her on the spot and then relents and tells him she’s falling in love with him. I think it’s in the contract that The Bachelorette has to save the “I’m in love with you’s” until the last episode. She tries to reassure him with her lips though.

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What we know about Shawn so far: seems emotionally unstable, probably slept with a blanky until about age 16 when he discovered his muscles, needs a lot of reassurance, is very territorial of Kaitlyn and might fight any of the guys if they touch her again.

Kaitlyn has a major case of the guilts, all part and parcel of having consensual sex with a guy you really like and may choose to be your future husband. She has a breakdown during her interview and it starts to feel like she’s crying so much that maybe she does like Shawn better than Nick and that’s why she’s feeling so bad?

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Nick and Tanner stroll the grounds of their hotel talking about Shawn’s obvious dislike of Nick, like two middle school girls.

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Meanwhile JJ, Joe and Kaitlyn get ready for their two-on-one, or three’s a crowd date. The worst kind.

Kaitlyn says she has a natural connection with JJ, that he’s attractive, funny, edgy, all the qualities that she looks for in someone. I feel like she’s lying.

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She says some nice things about Joe, too, but you can tell he’s not going to be around for the long haul. Plus he looks like a cartoon dinosaur and speaks with a cartoon-Kentucky accent.

We’re reminded that one of the guys will be going home after their dates as we see them packing their bags before they go.

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JJ lets us know he’s not threatened by Joe because he has a huge ego, although he does allude to some huge regret he needs to tell Kaitlyn about. I hope it’s that he had a bad coke problem and knocked up a stripper.

They go out on a little fishing boat and are dropped off on some remote island. The first thing out of JJ’s mouth is, “In the home of Bono I just wanted you to know that I’m really falling for you.” Anyone that references U2 and or Bono in any seriousness needs to be put on a watch list.

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Joe talks about their kiss in San Antonio and tells her that he knows that she could “feel the passion.” Poor Joe. There’s nothing more depressing than watching someone fall in love with another person who doesn’t share those feelings, which is 90 percent of this show.

JJ ramps up for his big confession session. He tells Kaitlyn that three years ago he cheated on his wife and ruined his life. This seems like something JJ would do.

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Kaitlyn pretends she understands, then sends JJ packing. She and Joe go off to spend more time together so she can decide if she wants to give him the rose, repeatedly calling him cute, not a good sign.

Cut back to Shawn and his boring story line and more about how he’s feeling insecure.

He reveals that in San Antonio he and Kaitlyn spent some extra time together off-camera and that she told him “it’s you, I think you’re the one,” and that’s why things are so hard for him. At this point I’m over Shawn.

Joe comes back from the date with the rose and all the guys congratulate him. To be honest, I was a bit shocked she kept him. He tells the guys his date was great and that he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. On hearing this, Shawn immediately gets up and makes a dramatic exit.

I agree with Shawn, this whole thing is pretty wack and not natural but this is what he signed up for and he needs to man up if he wants to win it, which I assume he does. He heads to Kaitlyn’s room yet again to have yet another whinge to her.

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The fourth wall is broken again, this time during Kaitlyn’s interview when we hear a crew member off camera report, via news from his walkie-talkie, that Shawn is on his way up to talk to Kaitlyn. She does not look very stoked.

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She’s still terrified that Shawnn knows about her and Nick and breaks down sobbing again.

Shawn is here to tell her that her telling him that she thought he was the one has made things even harder for him, at which point Kaitlyn bursts into tears with relief that he doesn’t know that she shagged Nick. Crisis averted.

She keeps taking about a boat but then I realize it’s just her Canadian accent.

Shawn tells her that he doesn’t think any other guys are feeling what he’s feeling. True, Nick got to feel something very different.

Kaitlyn pulls herself together and admits that she regrets giving Shawn so much extra reassurance – when he clearly can’t handle it – because it’s caused so many problems, especially if she does have feelings for so many of the other guys still. Tough pill to swallow for Shawn.

Cut to rose ceremony night at some mini-castle, which Kaitlyn kicks off with a very downer of a toast, even alluding to mistakes she’s made. Confused looks all around.

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Ben Z steals Kaitlyn away for toast and a kiss but she keeps her lips closed tightly, not a good sign when you consider how she kisses Nick or Shawn or Jared.

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Ben H is next up for a serious talk with Kaitlyn. Everyone’s trying to make moves. He brings up their off-camera extra time and he knows that something happened with Shawn and that she gave him some extra validation so he puts her on the spot, asking her what she said to Shawn.

He basically wants to know if he has a shot with her. She gives him some non-answer and manages to reassure him by saying that she made a mistake. What that mistake was though doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

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Ben H is husband material if you don’t mind someone who might be a bit boring but super nice. I think she should pick him, but she probably wont.

I’m really tired of looking at Shawn’s stressed out face.

Kaitlyn tells Nick she has concerns about him talking to the guys about “how romantic” their date was, at which point Nick’s facial expression changes to the reveal the sociopath inside, getting very defensive and annoyed at being questioned by his girlfriend.

Nick starts to unravel, basically losing his shit and then starts to fake cry. This is so hard to watch as he manipulates Kaitlyn into thinking he’s really upset. It’s so natural for him.

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Kaitlyn voices her regrets about reassuring Shawn too much and her concerns that he won’t be able to overcome the fact that she slept with Nick if she chooses him and eventually has to tell him what happened. Good guess.

She decides that she has to put Shawn back in his place, which is a place of uncertainty alongside all the other guys and tells him that they should try to take a step back. Shawn starts scrambling and tells her he thinks this is just a bump in the road that they can overcome.

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The creepy rose ceremony begins and Kaitlyn’s not sure about saying goodbye to any of the guys, let alone two.

It’s down to the last rose and it’s between Shawn and Ben Z. Shawn gets the rose. Ugh.

Tanner and Ben Z go home. Ben Z feels blind sided, he’s all sad and I feel bad, he seems like a pretty good guy, if a little misguided coming on this show to find a girlfriend/wife.

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Kaitlyn is still riddled with guilt about her “mistake” with Nick and seems she’s building up to telling the guys. Bad move! Shocker, but guys never want to hear about the other guys you’ve recently slept with whilst dating them.

We come back from the break to a more upbeat Dublin as the guys are leaving their current hotel, it’s a new day!

Jared gets to ride in Kaitlyn’s car, while the rest of the guys take a bus to their next location, Killarney Town.

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Jared is handsome downs-y, or as Jenny Mollen put it, he looks like a troll doll version of Ashton Kutcher.

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We learn that Kaitlyn’s international driving skills are not on-point.

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Jared’s general level of energy is worrying in itself. I feel like he may have walking Mono. He refers to Kaitlyn as his “girlfriend” and when they get to the Blarney Stone they kiss it together, supes romantic, and Jared gets to say the line, “I got lucky in Ireland.” We can all go home now.

Kaitlyn ends their date back at her hotel with the line, “it’s not a real road trip unless you end it with a cocktail.” I kind of agree.

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Meanwhile the guys’ bus has dropped them at Killarney Town and Chris Cupcake announces, “This is what my soul looks like,” proving that dentists across the board are a little off, if not full-blown Ted Bundys.

Chris Harrison pays Kaitlyn a “surprise” visit, reminding her she’s down to six guys and that this week is about finding the four that she wants to take on hometown dates.

Kaitlyn coyly admits to Chris Harrison her off-camera coitus with Nick, saying “we went back to my hotel and I just really regret…” to which Chris Harrison replies, “that’s good, we all screw up.” Wait, what? Good to see that they’re enforcing the show’s twisted, archaic ideas about sexual relations between men and women.

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He then tells her, “let’s just tailor this to your experience and how it’s going.” Read: YOU’RE WHORING. “You’ve already had off camera time with some of these men and I think it’s important to get some of these other relationships up to speed and to do that I think you need off-camera time to really get to know them. And that’s what the fantasy suite, these exotic dates are all about.” Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean.

Chris Harrison basically tells Kaitlyn that instead of hometown dates next week, she’ll be having the “Fantasy Suite” dates instead, to “level the playing field,” so to speak. Basically, telling her to have sex with the remaining guys in order to make a fair decision. ABC flipping the script! This might be the most realistic advice yet but why it needs to be okayed by the show’s father-figure pimp is mind-boggling.

Kaitlyn’s reaction is that getting to know the guys on a deeper level makes more sense than meeting their families first. Yes, it does.

Update: Nick is still wearing his promise ring. I feel like he plays with it a lot when he’s around the other guys to draw attention to it.

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Harrison goes and tells the guys about the format change, sex before meeting family. Everyone seems confused but they don’t know why.

He leaves them with the date card, which has Cupcake Chris’s name on it and I think we all know at this point it’s a break-up date, thanks mostly to the not-so-subtle previews.

Off they go in a helicopter to be dropped on a dramatic Irish bluff complete with a romantic break-up picnic. Chris says that he can see the two of them being together forever and, “What’s happening between me and Kaitlyn is as close to magic as you get.”

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They might want to get a different quote in about half an hour.

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Kaitlyn does that thing that a lot of girls do when dating a guy, she puts too much pressure on this forever idea. “This could potentially be forever.” Yeah, and it could also be for like a couple weeks after the show ends. Just pick the one you like the most and stop talking about forever, you guys just met!

Kaitlyn gives him that, “you’re a really good guy but I can’t lead you on” speech. He asked her to tell him more if this is their last chance, not fully realizing yet that she’s dumping him. She knows he’s a good person, she’s not that into him. He tries to tell her that she’s just scared.

She walks away in tears leaving Chris reeling. His reaction being, “I think she’s wrong and that she doesn’t really know what she wants,” and, “She deserves a lifetime of happiness, but I’m not sure she’s ready to find that yet.” Rejection is hard.

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As Kaitlyn choppers off to break someone else’s heart Chris starts to sob, standing a little too close to the cliff’s edge and a producer nervously moves towards him to stop him from jumping.

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Stay tuned for more descriptions of rejection and network-sanctioned sex next week!

 

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

SEXGATE AND MELTDOWNS IN IRELAND

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We open back up with Ian, the humorless dickhead who’s a bad sport and a big baby, telling Kaitlyn why he’s taking his ball and bouncing. He’s too good for her.

“I’m too deep a thinker, I’m too self-aware,” reminding us that he thinks he’s better than everybody else there, and that he’s an interesting guy. He actually seems as dull as bat shit to me.

Ian is basically the Kelsey of this season, completely un-self aware and condescending. I bet he sucks in bed too.

The guys all smell blood as they see him leave.

In the limo ride Ian tells us again that he knows what it takes to be The Bachelor, he’s so deep that he feels that he’s destined to find love on the show and he’s destined to become The Bachelor. He’s so deep in his own BS he can’t see how this argument negates everything else he’s saying.

He’s really, really fond of himself, telling us that if he was The Bachelor women would come out of the woodwork for him and would be saying things like, “oh fuck, I want to go out with that guy!”

He ends this diatribe with, “Oh man, I need to have some sex.”

That leaves 11 guys.

Kaitlyn is super offended that Ian called her shallow, which is obviously not true because she’s here to be on TV! How dare he.

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Next to talk to Kaitlyn after Ian leaves is Nick, of course, painting himself as a hero, telling her that he had stuck up for her with Ian. Such a douche.

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Nick is extremely camera aware which only adds to his douchiness. He’s wearing all the bracelets tonight with his suit and bowtie, he’s so affected and smarmy he makes my skin crawl. He playfully bites Kaitlin’s finger at one point. It’s all so gross and she’s playing right into his small hands.

Nothing is more weird or awkward than the guys standing around telling each other about their connections with Kaitlyn and how they’ve opened up to her when they’re all dating her. Like keep your relationship with her private, you idiots!

Meanwhile all the guys know Nick is talking to her and they’re all going stir crazy, particularly Josh who is seeming more and more unstable.

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Of course the producers send Shawn up to talk to Kaitlyn so that he’ll walk up on Nick and Kaitlyn making out while Nick says things like, “you do not disappoint.” Very ewwwww.

After seeing them, Shawn walks away; he needs a minute to calm down.

Kaitlyn explains in her interview that intimacy is a big part of a relationship and she’s not afraid to say that or to explore it with her wannabe suitors. Some foreshadowing here by the editors.

It’s rose ceremony time and Kaitlyn is going with her new favorite rose ceremony look, a backless dress, draping down to her ass.

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The sight of Jared physically repulses me. I feel like he manages a Sizzler back in his hometown.

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Joshua has styled his hair into a faux-hawk, which only accentuates his fucked-up one-sided fade that Kaitlyn gave him last week. Poor Josh.

Chris cupcake says, “there’s a reason hey call Texas the wild west because things have really gotten out of hand.” How is he still here? He gets another rose though, but his days are numbered.

She also keeps JJ, which is shocking to me and I’m reminded that she’s actually a bad judge of character.

All of a sudden we cut to the final rose, which she gives to Tanner. Justin and Joshua are out. I liked big, fit, dopey Justin with his big lips, he’ll do okay as an Abercrombie model though.

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Josh is still banging on after he gets cut about how he is not very happy that he is leaving and Nick is still there even though Kaitlyn clearly likes Nick and not him. Life is hard for Josh who starts to tear up.

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Chris Harrison tells the group that they are leaving the country to Dublin, Ireland, which Kaitlyn says is on her bucket list.

Cut to Ireland with dramatic shots of the scenery set to equally dramatic Gaelic music, then an Irish jig. This show really likes to beat you over the head with the generic location tropes.

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Dinosaur Joe has never been outside the U.S.

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Kaitlyn joins the guys at their hotel, cue the Radisson plugs, and tells them that the group date starts now and informs Nick that he is the chosen one, leaving all the guys looking upset, particularly Shawn.

Nick decides to wear his collarless leather jacket.

The producers start building the story, really playing up their physical connection and showing them touching each other and kissing all the time.

Kaitlyn’s bird fear rears its head when they encounter some pigeons in the park, which makes me feel like she’s a legit idiot.

Some embarrassing Irish river street dancing goes down, as if Nick didn’t already look bad enough. He’s just really un-manly.

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They stop at a street vendor where Nick buys them both matching silver promise rings, which he puts on Kaitlyn’s wedding ring finger. Seriously?

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Nick remarks that since he showed up he and Kaitlyn have been all over each other.

Meanwhile back at the guys’ hotel, as usual, they’re all sitting around talking about how hard this whole process is, especially watching Kaitlyn go off on her one-on-one date with Nick.

Nick is definitely in it to win it but these guys need to stop obsessing about him because news flash – you’re all competing against each other, not just Nick.

The group date card arrives and Tanner is on it, which means he still doesn’t get a one-on-one date yet. JJ and Dinosaur Joe look like they’re getting the two-on-one date. JJ says he kind of feels bad for Joe. JJ’s an idiot.

By the time Kaitlyn and Nick’s night portion of their date rolls around she is well and truly under his spell. The spell of lust misinterpreted for something else, big trap. Their date is mostly kissing noises along with lots of uncomfortable whisperings like, “you’re giving me goose bumps,” and “I’m feeling for you.” So hard to watch.

Also, did I mention they’re in a church?? Nice touch, ABC.

And then, OMG, Kaitlin tells Nick she doesn’t want the night to end asks him if he wants to go back to her hotel! Is this allowed?!

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And just like that, it’s ON.

Back in Kaitlin’s hotel room more making out with Nick intercut with Shawn and Jared talking about how much they wish they were with Kaitlyn right now and how they still don’t trust Nick. If they only knew what was about to go down.

Kaitlyn takes Nick into the bedroom and closes the door, shutting the cameras out but we’re left with their audio and Kaitlyn saying, “I feel good about this all.” and Nick saying, “I don’t want this to end, I want to know every part of you.” Lots of heavy breathing. I don’t understand, do they not realize they were still mic-ed?

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We go to commercial to Kaitlyn’s heavy moan-breathing, really turning up the scandal of a woman having sex!

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The next scene is Nick sauntering out of Kait’s hotel room the next morning with his jacket slung over his shoulder and Kaitlyn on her balcony with the morning after glow, smiling to herself.

I’m not sure if she’s talking to herself or someone off the camera but she’s asking if this has ever happened before and saying she doesn’t want this to be an issue, and that she feels like it would ruin everything if Nick says anything to the other guys. No shit.

Kaitlyn says she does feel guilt but it’s not about the act it’s about the act, she cares about the other relationships that she has. She feels good about what went down with Nick and says she’s falling for him.

Nick meets up with the guys at the hotel and can’t help himself to rub it in a little bit and let the guys know that he went back to Kaitlyn’s room to chill after they drink a lot of whiskey and described the time in Kaitlyn’s suite as intimate, personal, authentic and very comfortable.

This is why Nick is a pretty good villain.

Dinosaur Joe plays it cool though and lets Nick know that Shawn had also got to spend extra time with Kaitlyn on a date which, is visibly bothers Nick. Nicely played, Joe.

It’s becoming more apparent that Shawn can’t really cope with what he’s hearing. He still can’t wrap his head around how this whole thing works, obviously.

Meanwhile Kaitlyn is still talking to herself on her balcony and she’s clearly in a room of mirrors, the regret starting to sink in as she says to herself, “what was I thinking?” And, “all of it is bad, all of it.” Uh oh, the shame spiral.

The next scene is the group date, maybe the stupidest date ever. Chris Harrison informs the guys that Kaitlyn is, “dead for the day” and they are going to celebrate her life with a traditional Irish wake, which I think translates into getting shit-faced drunk. If only.

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Ben Z plays the sympathy card, smart, and gets a bit emotional during his speech because he lost his mom when he was younger and he tells Kaitlyn later that it was super hard for him.

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Tanner described the date as “neat.”

The second part of the date takes place at the Guinness storehouse, which is much cooler. Maybe this is the getting shit-faced part. And also quintessentially Irish, like Leprechauns.

Jared and Kaitlyn’s alone time during the date is typically cringeful.

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Shawn is feeling the pressure but says he feels confident that he’ll get the group date rose but Jared from Sizzler gets it. Shawn is now about to lose his shit.

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The next scene is the most cringeful of all. Kaitlyn takes Jared into a candlelit cathedral where Irish band The Cranberries are set up and play their hit song for Jared and Kaitlyn to dance and make out to. I was wondering when these cheesy band scenes from other seasons would re-appear.

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Shawn would lose his mind right now if he could see what was going on inside this church. Meanwhile he’s telling the guys that he loves Kaitlyn, which is preeeeeeetty awkward.

Then shockingly, the fourth wall is broken when Shawn is filmed talking to one of the crew, who he apparently confides in, telling him that he and Kait spent the night together laying on his bed and she told him he “was it,” and, “you’re the one.” But he’s not looking forward to the fantasy suite where she may “bang two other dudes.” Yes, that’s how this game show works.

Shawn is having some trust issues and says that he’s about to cry right now. Basically he’s not cut out for this situation at all, he says he’s not going to make it through because he can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know how many Guinness he’s had at this point but I don’t think they’re helping.

So he goes in search of Kaitlyn, his voice-over playing, “she’s ruining everything that we had.” Someone needs to get him a Xanax, stat.

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He shows up to Kait’s room, she thinks that he’s there to talk to her about what happened with Nick. If he ONLY knew that. Things are tense. What will happen?!

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I’ll tell you next week, right here.

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

THE ALAMO – SHOTS ARE FIRED

 

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This episode begins where we left off last week, with Nick walking into the hotel room to confront the guys. To his credit he handled himself pretty well, all the guys were sitting on one couch one side of the room while he sat on the opposite side facing the firing squad.

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The next scene is the rose ceremony cocktail party outside on the Mets home field. It’s obviously freezing, all the guys are shivering and their noses are runny and they’re sniffling, which adds to the overall romantic vibe of the scene.

Tanner, Josh and Ryan S. all let Kaitlyn know how much they don’t like Nick being there. This record is starting to get old and the guys are starting to sound whiny.

Nick hasn’t done anything apart from being asked to be there so get over it, you big babies. But Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling says he can feel himself backing away. NO, don’t go! He tells Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and she starts to tear up. It’s not easy being The Bachelorette who gets to invite another guy who’s already been on a season of the show to come back because he’s been creeping on social media, let’s give the girl a break.

Back to the rose ceremony. Nick obviously gets a rose and Ryan, Corey and Jonathan are left without one. No surprises there really.

In a bizarre turn of events the next location announced is San Antonio, where Kaitlyn has “always wanted to go.” Huh?

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Handsome Ben H. gets the first one-on-one date card. They go to some old dance hall to learn two-step, another super boring, daggy date. Snore.

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Ben says he’s two-stepped at the bar on a Friday night before. What?

Kaitlyn says she hopes she and Ben have good chemistry on the dance floor otherwise she’s not sure… They practice for a while and then enter that night’s contest against people that have been doing it every week for years and years but somehow they don’t get eliminated right away.

Back at the hotel Josh the Welder is showing himself to be kind of a weirdo. He’s obsessed with his dislike for Nick. Meanwhile he’s sharing a house/hotel/whatever with JJ who is arguably worse than Nick and not even cute.

Cupcake Chris reads the group date card and Nick is on it. Schnozling however is not and is very happy because he knows he’s getting the next one-on-one date.

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Kaitlyn feels like Ben H. opens up to her on their date but all he really did was talk about his last relationship which it sounds like he might not be over. He seems nice but pretty dull.

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The next day is the group date. Kaitlyn says that it’s going to be a problem if Nick can’t get along with the other guys, which is really dumb because of course he’s not going to get along with them if they all hate him? But it actually seems like they’ve all accepted the situation. Everyone that is but Joshua, who is seeming a bit psycho at this point.

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On yet another really dumb group date the guys have to write mariachi songs and sing them to Kaitlyn. This seems like it would be a huge turn-off.

Then the producers begin to build Ian’s storyline for this episode, which is pretty epic. He says that he’s very excited for this day, he loves to sing, “I’ve got the muscles and the brain and the heart so let me sing from it and I can sing, so…” Again with the claims about how great he is at singing.

Kaitlyn said she would love to see Ian’s sense of humor if there is one. This is foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen it.

They each take turns serenading Kaitlyn in front of a “crowd.” Justin’s not bad, JJ plays the guitar but his signing is atrocious, Dinosaur Joe is kind of goofy, Ian chokes again. He’s really mad at himself and says “I’ve set myself up to be a performer, and then I can’t fucking perform. I’m a joke.” I’m worried that Ian might kill himself now.

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Nick, always the show pony, serenades Kaitlyn up on a balcony, much to all the other guys chagrin. One of the lines of his song being, “We had such a great connection, it gives me such a huge erection.” Nooooo.

Most of the guys agree that he did a good job and more power to him. Afterwards Nick says, “I feel kind of good right now, I’m kind of glowing.” Like a pregnant woman?

Nick knows that Josh is really pissed and hates him and seems kind of amused by it. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY MURDER YOU.

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That night on the group day they go to some western-themed town situation. First to have one-on-one time with Kaitlyn is Josh who gets Kaitlyn to give him some janky haircut which she fucks up. So dumb, so pointless.

Nick wastes no time getting into a make out session with Kaitlyn and without Nick there Josh cannot stop talking about him, he has a real issue that Nick has been on the Bachelorette before. Who cares? Honestly, LET IT GO.

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Josh tells Kaitlyn that none of the other guys like Nick, which makes her concerned that all the other guys are lying to her. Then he returns to the group and acts all weird, telling everyone he’s been in an interview the whole time but they all know he’s been talking to Kaitlyn.

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Some stupid drama ensues because Kaitlyn comes in and puts everyone on the spot about what Josh has just told her. I kind of feel bad for Josh that everyone hung him out to dry, even though that was a bad play on his behalf.

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Kaitlyn gives Nick the group rose and he says, “If things continue the way they are I am absolutely going to fall in love with this girl.”

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Shawn B. is pumped for his date with Kait. They get in kayaks and paddle down some dirty river in the middle of the city. Kaitlyn’s never been kayaking which is weird, I thought that was a Canadian sport?

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Kait says she loves Shawn’s voice and she loves his smell. More kayaking, kissing, talking while drinking champagne, being about that life, the usual.

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Shawn “opens up,” telling Kait about a car accident he was in 5 yrs ago and gets all emotional. He thinks this amounts to “letting his guard down.” What? Then things get more uncomfortable, especially when he says “I’m falling in love with you.” Kait says she feels the same way. Full cringe.

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Okay let’s get to the BEST part of this episode, Ian. I love Ian and I wish they would give him more screen time, especially his interviews where he says things like, “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me? Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.” WHAT?!?!?

One of the problems with the show’s format is that not everyone gets one-on-one time with the Bachelorette in time to quell any insecure feelings they might be having. Ian falls victim to this. Patience is the name of the game, you can be a late starter and still make an impression but it’s all up to you.

Nick is sent in to talk to Ian about his insecure feelings and how he feels like he would make a great bachelor. He tells Nick, of all people, “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting, I don’t think that’s something wrong with me I think that’s something wrong with her.” So basically Ian feels a bit rejected because he’s blown both of his group dates and now is turning on Kaitlyn, who probably likes him.

Ian is a big baby, and he’s decided he wants to go home.

The rose ceremony is here and all the guys are feeling pretty nervous. Especially Josh, who’s having a cry because he blew it so hard last night on the group date. Sad face.

Ian’s storyline is hijacking the rose ceremony as it builds and builds. Kaitlyn reiterates to the guys that she’s all about honesty and fuck the bullshit.

Ian claims that, “she’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” He’s really on a roll now.

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For her first one-on-one time she takes fug Jared up to her room for a chat. Jared tells Kaitlyn that he does feel like it’s falling in love with her.

Ian’s voice over about how great he is compared to all the other guys is edited over Kaitlyn and Jared falling onto her bed which is covered in rose petals and the two of them making out.

Ian – “If one of these lames is better than me then just pick one of the lames. I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here, I have a good job, a good education, charisma, brains.” Keep talking, this is amazing.

Ian – “I could be the bachelor. I think I am a very eligible bachelor in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” Holy. Shit.

Ian – “I don’t like Kaitlyn, she’s not interesting she’s just here to make out with a bunch of guys.” He wants you to know that he has a good time in his own life, he meets chicks and he has A LOT of sex.

Finally Kaitlyn comes back in from making out with Dinosaur Joe outside and Ian gets some time alone with her to give her a piece of his mind. He basically tells her that all the guys are imbeciles and he is way above it all and if that’s what works for her they aren’t a match because he’s deep.

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“I only see you as a surface level person at this stage. I wonder if you’re really that shallow because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

ALL THE SHOTS FIRED!

TO BE CONTINUED.

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

KAITLYN’S CHOICE – THE RETURN OF NORMCORE NICK

A couple of things: Kaitlyn is just as simps as I thought. “Normcore” Nick Viall is still a dickhead.

The episode kicks off where we left off, with Kaitlyn dragging Clint away from the group to tell him he’s cut. Clint seems genuinely shocked, well as much as someone who’s so shallow and doesn’t emote at all can seem shocked.

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He talks about JJ and how they are “very, very, very” close and “best best, best” friends. At this point we know he’s acting because no grown man claims to have a “best” friend.

Clint maintains that all the bros in the house like him, further confusing Kaitlin. She tells Clint she’s upset because she really, really, really likes him but that she doesn’t trust him. Basically she handled him and didn’t get talked around.

JJ looks super dejected when she tells everybody she’s letting Clint go home. Then, in an awesome turn of events, JJ turns on Clint in front of the group and tells him he needs to apologize for “changing the emotional tone of the evening.” This bro-breakup seems obviously cooked but the guys do a really good job making it seem as real as an un-real situation could look with Clint telling JJ to “get the fuck out of my face. I’ve told you shit I haven’t told people in a long time.”

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They both start calling each other “pieces of shit” and then Clint walks out to a very dramatic musical score and departs in the van. Bye Felicia. I was kind of bummed we didn’t get any tape of Clint in his van-ride out of there though.

Cut to JJ back in the house having a breakdown and telling himself to “suck it up.” This was overkill.

Kaitlyn has a private talk with Chris Harrison then tells the guys she’s decided not to have a rose ceremony and keep everybody around for another week, which could also be due to Tony and Clint’s early exits. Either way, the show seems to be going with this new format of rose ceremonies at the start of the episode rather than the end.

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The guys all toast the beginning of their travels now as they learn they’re leaving the mansion for NYC.

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Cut to NYC and the hotel they’re staying at in Times Square – what a nightmare. They all get over-excited like little girls and squeal when they see the hotel suite, this is always one of my favorite scenes. Ben Z makes a toast, “here’s to love, adventures and good memories.” Cringe.

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Kaitlyn, dressed in a really fug leather jacket, reveals that she loves rapping and the first group date will be a rap-battle with surprise guest, Doug E. Fresh.

Ryan B and his great hair is into it. So more battling between the guys, only this time it’s verbally. Kaitlyn then does some really bad rapping before the date kicks off and I’m more embarrassed for her than ever.

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JJ reveals he has literally never listened to any rap in his life. No one in the entire world is shocked to learn this. Ben Z is really bad. Corey the investment banker is actually not bad, but he might be gay.

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Then the BIG REVEAL – in the audience is Normcore Nick from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette.

After the rap battle Kaitlyn says hi to Ashley I. from her Bachelor season and then sees Nick, who she’s only talked to online before today apparently although I’m not buying it. They stand around flirting for a bit then he tells her, “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kind of bugged me.” Classic Nick the narcissist.

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Kaitlyn sits the bros down and tells them that she’s thinking about bringing Nick on the show, without revealing his name at first. They all look appropriately bummed. Like they need ANOTHER guy to compete with.

Then it gets out that it’s Nick and the guy’s all look disappointed, shaking their heads because Nick sucks and they all know it. Tanner explains what a douche Nick was and reminds us what he did to Andi after the season was over – slut shaming her on national TV like a bitch.

Justin gives a speech in support of Kaitlyn’s choice so she gives him the group date Rose. Well-played Justin. Tanner is kind of being a bit of a bitch about it but I agree with him.

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The next day there’s a voiceover of Kaitlyn calling Nick with scenes of the city, snow coming down and very somber music. Okay ABC, calm the fuck down. Kaitlyn meets up with Nick the next day and tells him that she think she would regret it if she didn’t let him stay and explore their chemistry. EWWWWWWWWWWW.

Jared the wet rag gets the one-on-one date. I don’t get Jared’s appeal AT ALL. Also his hair, what the actual fuck? They have their date at the Met, which is pretty cool I guess?

Kaitlyn goes to get her hair did for the date by Ashley S., the contestant from Farmer Chris’ season who seemed a bit mental.

And then, just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, Jared pulls out a poem he’s written for Kaitlyn, one of the lines being, “and then in conclusion, as I cross all my T’s and end all my I’s with a dot, I just want you to know that I like you Kaitlyn, I like you a lot.”

Holy shit. Any normal person would have to cut him after that, but Kaitlyn is apparently blown away by this sad excuse for a poem that a nine year old must have written.

Then there’s a heli ride, so much excitement and Jared says some stuff like, “I can see myself falling in love with this girl and I can see myself marrying her.” Well Jared, I can see you packing your bags soon and going home, buddy.

Kaitlyn says that this day ended up being one of the best days of her life. For reals? I must say, it’s nice to see the show using their budget for some cool heli shots.

The next day Kaitlyn tells her guys that she’s decided that Nick is going to be moving in with them tonight, OMG. Ryan Schnozling is not impressed. Ryan B is right when he says, “it’s really annoying, it’s silly, there’s a lot of adjectives I could probably pull. There’s tons of guys out there, where does it stop?” Good point. I sense a mutiny.

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Next is a Broadway-audition themed group date where Kaitlyn reveals that she loves the Disney musical Aladdin and knows the words to all the songs. Come on.

Ian reveals singing is one of his “many talents” and he’s pretty pumped for his audition. Chris the dentist reveals that he has sung the song before, in the shower, in the car and is excited to sing it to Kaitlyn. What? Chris might also be gay though, which is an unfair advantage when it comes to Broadway, just ask Hugh Jackman. Shawn the Welder says that if he sang like Chris did in his audition he would get beat up when he went home.

Chris wins the audition. Ian looks devastated.

After the performance that night, Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris climb up stairs to the roof where the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball is kept. Chris refers to it as “the center of the universe.” No, dude. He gets a rose, of course.

Then we see the camera following Nick through Times Square and into the hotel, all the way up to the guys’ hotel suite where they’re all waiting in anticipation.

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The episode ends with Nick opening the door and, “what’s up guys?” Is all we hear.

DRAMATIC.

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4

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VILLAINS GONNA VIL

This week’s episode began where last week’s cliff-hanger left off – with Kupah being a drunk idiot in the driveway of the Bach Mansion, because Kaitlyn had cut him for being a big, annoying baby and not just being able to chill until he was able to have some time with her on either a one-on-one or a group date like all the other bros there.

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Kaitlyn comes out to the driveway in her hideous, low-cut in the back, sequined gown because she can hear the racket he’s making from inside and tells him to stop and just accept that nothing is changing. People like this who can’t read situations or take no for an answer are the worst. You’ve just given Kaitlyn a glimpse into what life with you would be like.

Kupah was feeling, maybe rightly so, a little insecure about being perhaps one of the token black guys but he handled it really badly. Plus he’s a bad drinker. He actually left with his cocktail in his hand still. Bye Kupah, see you on Bachelor in Paradise!

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Then shit got real and Kaitlyn had her first tears on camera after having to give Kup the boot. She didn’t know it was going to be this hard, guys. She’s probably also sad about how they dressed her for the rose ceremony in a bad red-carpet look. Get a good stylist already, ABC, and start dressing these girls in something cute and current and age-appropriate FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

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The rose ceremony, which was cut short last week, starts with the first rose going to Jared the restaurant manager, who has finally shaved that sad excuse for scruff on his face for his one-on-one interview but then cut back to the rose ceremony and he still has that sad facial hair which makes me wonder when he shot those interview scenes. Next rose goes to the good-looking Ben H, then Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling the personal trainer, Jonathan, Tanner, Chris “cupcake” the dentist, Ryan, Justin the other personal trainer, Ian, Joshua the welder, Joe the cartoon dinosaur and last but not least Tony the weirdo healer.

Kaitlyn has another cry after the rose ceremony because it was so hard. What’s hard is imagining how much Britt would be crying already if this were her rodeo.

This episode, though, was about bonds being forged and villains emerging – the classic Bachelorette formula.

The next morning the guys are awakened by two sumo wrestlers banging on a gong and my first question is why are they all sleeping in bunk beds? Doesn’t this mansion have like 27 bedrooms? These dudes are stacked on top of each other like freshman year in B dorm.

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JJ, who is getting the beeeeeeeest edit ever proclaims, “I really love Japanese culture, I love sushi.”

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A big deal is made out of Joe’s left nut hanging out of his sumo get up. Guys are so base.

Tony, who seems emotionally unstable, had a hard time with the Sumo wrestling-themed group date and stormed off after being tossed out of the ring by a large Japanese chap. Kaitlyn goes after him calling his name and he ignores her for a bit, then finally says a bunch of weird shit like, “they don’t know they’re fucking with,” “I view the world through the eyes of a child,” and “I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.” Okay, guy.

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Tony, who probably has an IG account called @NamasteManBunWarriorGypsy, ends up bouncing though and the you can hear all the producers crying off-screen as he takes his weirdo-ness with him.

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Clint, who apparently wrestled in college, wins the group date by tossing the other bros around like sad sacks of Axe and LA Looks scented potatoes.

That evening Kaitlyn gets her groove on with the guys on the tail end of the group date. She kisses Chris cupcake dentist, who I am not feeling, Clint plays hard to get which backfires later, Shawn B says he’s never fallen so hard so fast for someone, even though he’s never actually hung out with her one-on-one for more than 10 minutes.

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We start to see Clint’s true colors when his plan flops, leading him to say he’s not sure Kaitlyn is the right girl for him because he knows he blew it, then makes a comment about how he’s enjoying his relationship with JJ because he “has a lot of levels.” JJ seems like a legit date rapist, and his favorite movie is A River Runs Through It.

Kaitlyn is “sent” on a one-on-one date with Ben Z, apparently orchestrated by the producers. She refers to him as “babe soda,” or something that sounds like that, which must be a Canadian thing?

The date is at some place called The Basement, an escape room situation where you’re locked in a dark room with scary things and 45 minutes to figure out how to escape by looking for clues to a password that unlocks the door. This was the worst date in the history of dates. No thanks.

Kaitlin is immediately confronted with her phobia of birds as a couple of pigeons fly out into her face when they open the door to enter. Bird phobia is very weird, why would you be scared of birds?

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Kaitlyn seems to be pretty into handsome, tall Ben Z though.

The next group date is some stupid prank where the guys think they’re giving school kids sex-ed lessons, with each guy having a different topic to cover. Snore.

Ben H kills this date and Kaitlyn is feeeeeeeling him, saying,”she’s hoping he brings the heat tonight because if he does, it’s game on.” He does bring the heat later that night as they make out and he says that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend and according to Kaitlyn he knows how to kiss. Ben H is now the front runner.

Joshua the welder confesses to Kaitlyn that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. What? And he’s never been in love, which is a red flag. Basically he’s moving too slow and he’s going to get left behind, poor thing. He’s way too earnest for this show.

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Kaitlyn is inexplicably attracted to Jared the restaurant manager and has another make out session with him on the group date, saying that “this one is a man and I love that.” I can’t get past his facial hair and close together eyes. Jared says that he is falling for Kaitlyn on basically his first group date.

Homegirl gives the group date rose to Ben H though and Jared does not look happy, in fact he looks like he’s about to cry.

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The next part of the show is dedicated to what ABC have been alluding to as “Brokeback Bachelor”, the budding bromance between JJ and Clint, which appears to be in full swing.

I thought Clint was okay at first but seeing how he’s gravitated to JJ, who is pretty much a complete tool in my estimation, has really made me think twice. But I am really enjoying this story line and the emerging villains these two are showing themselves to be.

With carefully orchestrated questions and some clever editing the producers really have made it seem like these two fall in love with each other with Clint admitting that he and JJ have grown very close, “almost too close. In the room and in the shower.”

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So we get to the rose ceremony night and couple of things about some of these bros and their fashion choices – Jared is wearing a T-shirt under his shirt and Joshua has a fug check shirt on that no straight guy should ever be caught wearing.

JJ delivers another epic line, “it’s time to start letting the guys that really matter, Clint and I, start getting more quality time. Let the big dogs hunt, dude.” Please, let him keep talking.

Clint, meanwhile, realizes that he’s not a front runner anymore because he played it too cool and Kaitlyn called him out on it, so to compensate he’s maintaining he doesn’t think Kaitlyn’s the right girl for him anymore but he really loves JJ so he wants to stay in the house so he can have more time with JJ.

So in the matter of one episode Clint’s now the show villain, fooling Kaitlyn into thinking he was into it, kissing her and then saying, “yeah, I had on my power socks so I felt like I had the power and I had to just abuse it,” and, “yeah, I’m not really interested in Kaitlyn but I need a rose tonight, so the boys have something to be worried about.” He’s amaaaaaazing.

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Kaitlyn continues having one-on-one time with the other guys during the cocktail party while JJ and scheme on the sidelines, at one point they cheers their glasses and Clint says, “villains got a vill.” I mean you can’t write this stuff.

JJ continues to be intercut with Kaitlyn talking to the guys, saying things like, “I feel like it’s boys versus men right now and feel I’m dealing with like a bunch of JV croquet players, these guys need to like step it up, just be some men for a change, just be a man.” He’s secretly worried that all the other guys are talking shit about him to Kaitlyn though, which they should be.

Seems like a few of the guys have told Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ and Joshua the welder puts the last nail in Clint’s coffin. She’s heard enough and has figured out that Clint played her and she’s not impressed as she goes to find Clint and send his ass packing.

TO BE CONTINUED.