Contributors

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Brian Beckner – Baller-in-Chief

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

“I’m divorced.”

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

[don’t say Howard Roark, don’t say Howard Roark, don’t say Howard Roark] “Raoul Duke, Jake Blues and Howard Roark.” [shit]

Who are your favorite characters in history?

“Joe Strummer, John Belushi, Jon McEnroe and Mike Seaver.”

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

“I feel like I should say my mom. Should I say my mom? My mom?”

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

“Joan Wilder, obvs.”

Your favorite painter?

“Interior or exterior?”

Your favorite musician?

“James Newell Osterberg (while I love him, I really just wanted to demonstrate that I know Iggy Pop’s real name. Plus I already said Joe Strummer, I mean, John Mellor).”

The quality you most admire in a man?

“Upper body strength.”

The quality you most admire in a woman?

“Same as above.”

Your favorite occupation?

“Cobbler.”

Who would you have liked to be?

“Me, but six feet tall.”

Your most marked characteristic?

“Passion and the mole on my right cheek.”

What do you most value in your friends?

“Loyalty. Also never calling me on the telephone.”

What is your principle defect?

“Too handsome.”

What would you like to be?

“Authentic. And six feet tall.”

What is your favorite color?

“None more black.”

What is your favorite flower?

“Virginity.”

What is your favorite bird?

“Mordecai.”

Who are your favorite prose writers?

“Feel like I should say Hemingway. Should I say Hemingway? Hemingway?”

Who are your favorite poets?

“Pablo Neruda (I don’t read Spanish, but this is my go-to answer for all poetry related questions. You can use it if you like, Pablo Neruda).”

What is it you most dislike?

“Inauthenticity.”

What historical figures do you most despise?

“This may be controversial, but that Hitler guy was a major dick.”

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

[don’t say big cock, don’t say big cock, don’t say big cock] “A big cock.”

How would you like to die?

“Satiated.”

What is your motto?

“‘Gas, grass or ass…’ I don’t finish it. I just say the first part, then smile and a nod like ‘you know the rest.’ It’s a thing I do. People seem to like it.”

 

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Ed Daly – Contributing Editor

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

“When a young boy blows his allowance money in 1987 to go see Teen Wolf Too on opening night.”.

Where would you like to live?

“In a DEEE-luxe apartment in the sky.”

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

“Ignatious Reilly (A Confederacy of Dunces), Edmond Dantes (The Count of Montecristo), any Elmore Leonard hero, Cool Hand Luke.”

Who are your favorite characters in history?

“Benjamin Franklin and Ian Zeiring.”

Your favorite painter?

“Bob Ross.”

The quality you most admire in a man?

“Girth.”

Who would you have liked to be?

“A man who has never seen Harrison Ford on a late night talk show.”

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

“Being forced to small-talk with cashiers.”

What is your favorite color?

“Color Me Badd.”

What is your favorite bird?

“Birds are awful.”

What are your favorite names?

“Any name that isn’t Jaden.”

What is it you most dislike?

“The game ‘Simon Says.'”

What historical figures do you most despise?

“Stalin, Bin Laden, Pol Pot, Will Smith, Hitler.”

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

“The ability to enjoy a trip to the zoo as much as the gang from Three’s Company.”

How would you like to die?

“Much like how I lost my virginity – quick, painless, and listening to Bohemian Rhapsody.”

What is your motto?

“No Roger, No Rerun, No Rent!”

 

Cate McManus – Contributing Editor

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

“Being without wifi.”

Where would you like to live?

“Can I move in with you?”

What is your idea of earthly happiness?

“Satisfaction.”

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

“People who tell it like it is.”

The quality you most admire in a man?

“Knowing how to use what you’ve got.”

The quality you most admire in a woman?

“Not kowtowing.”

Your favorite virtue?

“Be curious, not judgemental.”

What would you have liked to be?

“Someone who gets paid for doing this.”

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

“Having kids.”

What is your favorite bird?

“My Malaysian Hornbill, Susie. He’s the best.”

What is it you most dislike?

“Histrionics. Unless they’re mine.”

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

“Narcissism, those people don’t give any fucks.”

How would you like to die?

“In a luxury Swiss suicide clinic.”

What is your present state of mind?

“UGH”

What is your motto?

“Never complain, never explain.”

19 thoughts on “Contributors

  1. The sipping your beer and looking up at some vague corner of the bar while you know your pic is being taken… That’s like the guy version of The Duckface, right? Or is it the guy version of Fat Girl High Angle To Hide Her Belly?

    Please advise.

  2. Watched the Oscars last night, what was up with John Travolta AND what was with his hair? What kind of system has he got going, cause it is sure working!

    DD

  3. FanceeSauce is comedy poison. In the last podcast, she said that you couldn’t make fun of Bruce Jenner for turning into a woman. If she wants to read DailyMail stories, that’s fine I guess, but please don’t let her set the rules of what Ed Daly can joke about. She is hot, but also a humor-challenged feminist. I wonder whose idea it was to bring in laugh-riot Stephanie Drury (the single worst episode in tBLP history by far)? Brian- please lay down the law to save the funny in the Baller Lifestyle.

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