Frank Happens

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Look, we’re not here to tell you what to do with your money, but if you’re not hiring international superstar Frank FUCKING Stallone to play your New Year’s Eve party you’re exactly the empty vessel all of your ex-girlfriends say you are.

From eBay:

“HE CAN’T DECIDE WHERE TO CLOSE OUT 2013….(sic)THE WINNING BIDDER GETS HIM, SO NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE THE ONE AND ONLY GRAMMY AND GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATED, FRANK STALLONE, PERFORM AT YOUR NEW YEAR’S PARTY OR EVENT!”

THE ONE AND ONLY! NOT ONE OF THE NUMEROUS FRANK STALLONE IMPERSONATORS AND/OR TRIBUTE ACTS CONSTANTLY TOURING THIS GREAT NATION.

“HE CAN’T DECIDE” but maybe you can sway him with a $20,000 stack? Because that’s where the bidding STARTS.

Sure that’s a late-model Japanese sedan or a remodeled kitchen, but logic (and common sense and good taste and DEAR GOD, HOW DID I GET THAT DRUNK? I PAID HOW MUCH FOR WHAT?) goes out the window when you’re talking about hiring the Frankster to rock your game room (and probably [hopefully?] try to bang your wife and/or mom).

Now before you scratch your head and say “that seems like a lot” remember most, ahem, artists charge a premium for holiday shows, and in this case that premium is somewhere around 10,000 percent, but can you really put a price on Sly’s brother jamming in the new year in your condominium complex’s rec room? Yes, 20 large.