If you’re like us “avoid extended family” comes right after “get wine drunk” and “eat yourself comatose” on the annual list of Thanksgiving to-dos.

We’ve found that pretending to be engrossed in televised sports keeps you out of the AK-47 spray of your Uncle Bob’s fanatical anti-Obama rants and Aunt Linda’s “roommate’s” extended dance mix treatise on your substandard stuffing recipe.

Ignore your family and watch football. It’s what your ancestors intended.

 

Thursday, November 28

9:30 AM (PT)

Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions (-6)

Money Line: Packers +220 Lions -260

Over/Under:  50

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock you know that the long awaited re-imagining of the single-greatest achievement in cinematic history ROBOCOP premieres in February. And unless you’ve been living under a bigger rock you know that fucking ROBOfuckingCOP is from fucking Detroit. The choice is pretty clear.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: Look, on principle no one should buy stock in Detroit, the municipal equivalent of Schleprock, but the Packers are almost as shitty without Aaron Rodgers as those State Farm commercials are with him. Take the Lions, lay the points. Also, ROBOCOP. Lions 24 Packers 13

 

1:30 PM (PT)

Oakland Raiders at Dallas Cowboys (-9.5)

Money Line: Raiders +375 Cowboys -460

Over/Under: 46.5

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: This is kind of like Sophie’s Choice except you’re hoping there’s room on the train to Dachau for Jerry Jones and Darth Raider. The Cowboys are the team you love to hate, and the Raiders are the team who loves to think you hate them.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: “Hey Carmine, I’m a degenerate. No one should watch, much less wager on this game.” Take the over, pour another glass of Beaujolais nouveau, and pray that Tony Romo has that game that keeps Jerry the Face cutting those fat checks. Cowboys 35 Raiders 17

 

5:30 PM (PT)

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Money Line: Steelers +135 Ravens -155

Over/Under: 40

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Not the criminal justice system in Milledgeville, Ga. Speaking of miscarriages of justice, there’s a nasty rumor going around that Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl. Luckily this remains unconfirmed.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: These teams are all kinds of boring, but you’ll be drunk by then. Take the over and cross your fingers that Big Ben breaks a femur or two. Ravens 27 Steelers 21

 

8pm (PT)

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (ABC Family)

Tryptophan vs. The Sweet Release of Death (even)

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Not the super morose and tragically self-absorbed bald kid who may or may not have Progeria.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: Whose idea was it to spoon feed children this quasi-Christian schlock under the guise of entertainment?