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Here we go.

noreply@douchenozzle.com writes:

“Gym bag”. Good one, because nobody has had a gym bag since 1954, I get it. Good one. Might have been a bit too smart for your “sports” podcast fans, but I say, well done.

Ed:  Well, douchenozzle (or can I call you Mr. Nozzle?), thank you?  Your comment was a compliment, right?  But, more importantly, please expand on that gym bag comment.  Are you opposed to gym bags?  Are you strongly in favor of people of working out in work clothes?  How well do your Van Heusen and Dockers hold up on the treadmill?  I know it sounds presumptuous but douchenozzle just doesn’t seem like a Facconable kind of guy.

Or, maybe I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe your issue is just with gym bags as a means to transport clothing and toiletries.  Are you more of a hobo bindle kind of guy?  Your soonest response would be greatly appreciated.

Brian: Not sure what the origins of this email are, but I have, and will continue to embrace the use of gym bag. I work out on my lunch break and it gives me a place to put my sweaty gear when I’m done, but more importantly it’s a good place to keep the various creams and powders that my ass and balls seem to require more and more often as I continue my rapid advance toward the grave. My question to you: why the fundamental opposition to workout-related clothing carryalls?

 

Chris offers the following worst Final Four guys:

1. Tweets Way Too Much Guy: Thinks his every thought is super funny and/or interesting and therefore, postworthy. Says good morning and goodnight on Twitter.

2. Can’t Park his Big Truck Guy: Always happens in the most crowded parking lots. (Costco, Target) An absolute prick because he gets out, sees his shitty parking job, and LEAVES IT! Fuck him.

3. Super Fan at Sporting Events Guy: Uses profanity around children, thinks the players can hear him, and is always trying to get a “chant” going.

4. Drinking Game Guy: Never drinks more than you but calls you a pussy because you refuse to play.

Quick P.S. – Can you ask Ed if he enjoys Bruce Springsteen? I’ve never heard someone from the Tri-state area say ‘No’.

Ed:  These are an intriguing four, Chris.  All are awful but there is a clear-cut pecking order of these clowns.

1. Drinking Game Guy – Drinking games are always terrible.  They actually prevent you from imbibing at a reasonable pace.  Instead of taking a drink, I have to wait for a couple of dimwits to come up with a super-clever “I never” scenario?  No drinking games.  Not now.  Not ever.

2. Super Fan – The overzealous sports fan behavior is a full-on epidemic.  For some absurd reason, morons everywhere seem to think people show up at games to watch other fans.  Just look at the reigning Super Bowl champions.  Seahawk fans brag about themselves and even wear #12 jerseys to honor…themselves!

Not unlike hecklers at comedy shows, scores of mouth-breathers are under the impression they are the life of the party.  Maybe mom told them they were special one too many times as a kid but people think they are adding value wherever they go.  Here’s a quick tip – if you think you’re the life of the party, you are most definitely not.  Just cheer or applaud when the situation calls for it.  Beyond that, shut your cake hole.  The fans don’t care to hear your thoughts on the refs or coaching strategy.  The athletes don’t want or need your approval.  In the words of ex-Phillies first baseman Von Hayes, “They can do whatever they want.  I’ll still be eating steak every night.”

3.  Can’t Park His Big Truck Guy – This guy is a colossal asshole but, at the same time, can easily be discouraged.  Public shaming is a powerful tool.  A simple “I park like an asshole” written in dust on the back fender or a note on the windshield can work wonders.  If it’s an especially egregious parking job, there’s usually a stick and some dog feces nearby.  Poorly-parked vehicle handles are begging for a little shit-smearing.

4.  Guy Who Tweets Too Much – Yes, terrible but there is a very easy solution.  Unfollow him.  There’s nothing funnier than a guy wishing goodnight to zero followers.

As for your Bruce Springsteen question, the answer is yes but not an overly enthusiastic yes.  Aside from the songs from Philadelphia and The Wrestler, I can’t think of any Bruce song in the past 30 years.  I won’t turn it off if he comes up on the music shuffle but rarely seek him out.

What puts Bruce in impossible-to-dislike territory, though, is the fact that he was a King-size candy bar guy on Halloween.  Bruce lives in the town next to where I grew up.  Every year, we made the voyage to the corner of Bellvue and Ridge.  Every year, it was a King-sized candy bar.  Boss.

Brian: This is a great Final Four, but I have a bit of a disagreement on Ed’s ranking.

Sure, drinking game guy is horrid and useless but he’s also easily avoidable. Go ahead and pound six ounces of lukewarm Bud Light seasoned with microscopic bits of the fecal matter and psoriasis flakes from the fingers of some tool that’s dedicated his life to getting really good at tossing a ping pong ball into a red Solo cup, I’ll be over here sipping an nicely chilled IPA like a fucking adult blissfully unaware of you and the rest of your minor league imbibing team.

The real winner* (*loser) here is super fan. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: there’s nothing stupider than liking things. If you want to sport a cap or a t-shirt to the ball game, go ahead. But if you’re stepping it up with a jersey, replica helmet, or god forbid, some sort of homemade signage, you are an embarrassment to your family and a likely threat to society. Everyone hates you, especially your kids. You have a hole in your soul that you’re trying to fill with sporting events (and cheeseburgers usually). Stop trying to get people to do the wave. Stop making your wife pretend to like your team (and you, I’m guessing). And most importantly, stop being within a two-mile radius of me. Super fan super sucks.

As to Bruce, I’m not really a fan but I will say this: He’s a slight, 64-year-old man with a pronounced underbite who’s swollen with pride about being from New Jersey, and yet somehow any one of our wives and girlfriends would bang him in a heartbeat. He is most definitely the Boss.

 

Wayne writes:

My brother-in-law grew up singing and dancing. He’s gay and works for Disney Cruise lines.   

Ed:  The only thing less appealing than getting the inevitable dysentery on a cruise would be to get it while Goofy and Donald mascots lurk in the background.

Brian: I’m glad your brother-in-law is living his (and every other gay man’s) dream.

 

Wayne also offers this Final Four of “Bitches”:

1. Fat bitch always complaining about being hot even though it’s always freezing in the office.

2. Stupid cat/dog lady that starts a convo about her pet and continues to do so even though I’m ignoring her.

3. Bitch that smokes every 30 mins and smells like she hot boxed it in her car with the windows up and she has Graves’ disease and smoking makes it worse. I want to poke her eyes back in her face with my pen!

4. The TGIF bitch! Be happy u got job u lazy fuck!!

Ed:  Sounds like somebody need to empty out the snorkel.  It’s dangerous to go too long without a release.

Brian: Easy Wayne-O, you’re giving me a “laughs heartily while watching Entourage” vibe with this list [shivers].

 

Anonymous writes:

Thank you people who admit to attending Kanye West concerts, I was looking to trim down my list of relevant opinions.

Ed: Let he who is willing to show his entire music library cast the first stone.

Brian: I hate it when people act like they have the best taste in music, when everyone knows that I have the best taste in music.