Send your sex and relationship questions to FanceeSex@theballerlifestyle.com

Charlie B. writes: Besides watching the beach scene between Apollo and Rocky in Rocky III, have you ever had a gay experience?

Brian: The 80s were an interesting time. The shorts were short, the sunglasses were big and everybody was on cocaine. It’s fun to look back to how oblivious we all were to all of the overtly gay imagery from our childhoods. Take the infamous Top Gun volleyball showdown. Everybody (sans Goose, thankfully) is heavily greased up and shirtless. Tom “Ice Man” Kasansky’s hair is bleached out like he’s moonlighting as a rent boy. “Slider” (WTF? “Slider” really?) is flexing his curiously perfect physique for an audience wholly comprised of other fly boys, and Lt. Pete Mitchell is wearing jeans and somehow elevating his 5’6” frame above the net for multiple monster spikes. And despite the “Playin’ With the Boys” soundtrack and Goose and Mav’s sweet round-the-world high fives, no one really caught on to the notion that two leathered-out bears engaged in full man-on-man intercourse is actually less gay than this scene.

One time at the gym (this is how most gay stories start) while blasting my core (it’s getting gayer) me and some other dude were both parallel to eachother holding a side-plank position (I’d be shocked if anyone were still reading at this point) when a trainer came over and placed one hand on each of our respective hips and proceeded to crack out ten pushups using our lithe, smooth, masculine bodies as a base. You ask me if I’ve had a gay experience? Yes, I’ve had a gay experience.

Fancee: I have a feeling this question was designed for a guy to answer… I mean there was this one time my girlfriends and I had a sleepover and drank too much pinot grigio and took our tops off and things kinda took a turn. Jk. Girls don’t really have “gay” experiences unless they’re lesbians, which I’m not. Girls can hook up and it’s not a “gay” experience. Has a lesbian ever hit on me or touched me in a way that made me uncomfortable? No. Did I kiss a girl once and like it? Sure.

 

Anonymous writes: My gym teacher used to watch us shower in middle school. Would it be weird to contact him now and ask him which one of us was the most attractive?

Brian: I’m guessing Mr. Sandusky would welcome a new pen pal. Just make sure you do him a solid and include pictures.

Fancee: What’s important is who’s the most attractive now.

 

Trojan95 writes: My friend’s mom said she fantasized about Willem Dafoe. I haven’t let him forget it for 20 years. Who is your ugliest celebrity fantasy?

Brian: Who’s the girl that played Precious? Her.

Fancee: Howard Stern.

 

Anonymous writes: I’m new to the dating pool after an 8-year relationship. Is there some sort of grooming mandate I should be aware of?

And similarly, albeit in sort of a creepy crude manner, Ish in Memphis writes: Here’s a serious question for FanceeSex: do you prefer cleanly shorn balls or is simply keeping them manscaped enough?

Brian: The age old question: to groom or not to groom. As with any negotiation you need to put yourself into the position of the other party. Assuming you are able to get to the point where you’re presenting your Jacobs for review by a potential lover, you don’t want to give that person any reason to turn their nose up at a potential genital interaction.

There’s a reason you wore a freshly-pressed shirt to the restaurant that night, same goes for your junk. That’s why I always advocate a cleaned-up genital area. You don’t want an unruly troll-doll-in-a-scissor lock sort of look, and at the same time you don’t want to scare her away with a freshly waxed bowling lane either. She’s looking for reasons not to have sex with you, don’t give her one. Use a trimmer with a guard; trim it down so it would look presentable at a dinner with clients. Once you get to know each other better, she’ll let you know if she prefers you Captain Caveman or Tom Slick.

Fancee: The best thing you can do when new to the dating scene, or in life in general, is have good hygiene. Finding out if you have halitosis or not is a good place to start. If you have bad breath you’re not hitting any bases. Use deodorant, floss, and use mouth wash. Have short clean fingernails. Hell, do yourself and everyone else a favor and get a mani-pedi. Trim any unwanted hair like nostril hair and, god forbid, ear hair. Get your teeth whitened if you need to. Do whatever it takes to make the most of what you’re working with.

As far as hair down there goes, there is no such thing as “not to groom.” Less is more. Start with a cleanly manscaped region and if you get lucky you and your new friend can discuss taking things down further and smoothing things out, if you know what I mean. Seriously, no one wants pubes in their mouth.

 

Paul writes: It’s 2014 and we still live in a society where some bros are not a #giver in the bedroom, which is the most reasonable answer as to why this is?

A. They had that “bad oyster” in their early sexual conquests.

or…

2. They’re hung like a moose and figured that’s all they need to bring to the party.

Also, these non-giving bros, any doubt that they refer to the bedroom as “where the magic happens”?

Brian: I have a really difficult time relating to anyone who’s sexually stingy. There’s simply nothing that makes you more of a man than making a woman feel beautiful and amazing. Take your time, ask her what she likes and do that thing. If you’re nervous, embarrassed or otherwise unwilling, share that with your partner. As with anything in a relationship, communication is everything. Talking about what makes you feel good sexually is the same as talking about what movie you’d like to see or what restaurant you prefer. If you’re not getting what you’d like, you need to convey that. And if you or your partner isn’t interested in giving the other person what they need, you’ve chosen the wrong partner. If you can’t find common ground, move on. Life is short. No one should have to settle for someone that doesn’t care enough to do it all. And anyone that says, “this is where the magic happens” is really telling you “this is where the tragic happens.”

Fancee: I have a few theories about this. A girlfriend of mine once dated a guy who never went down on her and only wanted to have sex with her in certain positions, where he wasn’t looking at her. This bro was clearly gay (there were other indicators as well). Not being a giver in the bedroom, in every sense, is tied to how you feel about your own sexuality and your ideas about what sex is. A lot of people, guys and girls, are plagued with sexual inhibitions, which stem from any number of issues. If you’re a giver in the bedroom you’re most likely a giver in all aspects of your relationship. I like to think you get what you give though. But basically, if you’re not enjoying all aspects of sex – which includes giving and receiving freely – you’re doing it wrong. Call your therapist because you’ve got some evolving to do.