This week, the mailbag questions ranged from public shaming to bathroom etiquette to athletes who look like dinosaurs. But first, let’s take a moment to praise ourselves.

 

Dave Super Funny writes:

I can’t imagine how much work actually goes into making a weekly podcast. If you could give your listeners more than one per week that would be great. Or start sucking. No, don’t do that. I love the show. Keep it up. 

Ed: Thanks, Dave. You’re in luck. I think I can speak for Brian when I tell you we would be happy to record more than one podcast per week. All we need is one thing – money. If you would like become a sponsor, please let us know. In the absence of that, tell your friends to listen to the podcast. Listeners beget sponsors which means money which means Brian and I being able to get dope gold Baller Lifestyle medallions.

Brian: Hi Dave Super Funny, I’m Brian Super Lazy.

 

Wes the Fat Kid brings up the subject of bathroom etiquette:

Much like in the movie theater, unless it is completely unavoidable, you have to have a space between you and another bro in a public restroom, stall or otherwise.  Thoughts?

Also, unrelated, people who talk in the bathroom…bad guys, right?

Ed: It’s troubling to think there are people out there who still don’t know the rules: 1) maximum space between people at all times; 2) no talking whatsoever; 3) wash hands. But the bigger issues facing public restrooms are attendants and door construction.

Has anyone ever enjoyed opening the men’s room door and seeing some sad sack hovering over the sink with a stack of paper towels and breath mints? Why is this still a thing? It’s bad enough you have to expel bodily fluids outside of home base but now you have to pay some random guy in an ill-fitting tux or avoid eye contact while quickly washing your hands. If you have a bathroom attendant at your wedding reception, I’m cheering for a divorce.

Finally, I think it’s time to take a stand against people who design public buildings. Enough with the doors that open into the restroom. Nobody wants to touch that wet handle. And nobody wants to be forced to become McGuyver just to avoid touching said handle. All that needs to be done is make the doors open out so everyone can open the door with their feet, thus avoiding feeling like they need a Silkwood shower. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2Ec20v7wX8 Get on it, architects.

Brian: Bathroom etiquette dictates that you triangulate your position for maximum distance from every other dude in the john. As soon as you enter the restroom area your brain should go into full Terminator mode with a digital map of all the body heat in the room and a mathematically diagramed route to the urinal with the absolute furthest distance from any other living being. And unless you are a savage or a criminal or in the midst of a near-death hangover, it’s completely unallowable to drop anchor in any kind of communal restroom space.

As to the restroom attendant, I’ll happily sponsor a $60 round of drinks for relative strangers, but in a stare down with a bathroom attendant I turn into Seal Team Six and go with a stealth mode ninja crawl to the door to avoid giving that paper towel extortionist $1.

 

Doug Doran wants guys with the Mark Sanchez hairband to be shamed:

WTF is up with that guy?  I am seeing them more and more frequently and when I saw a dude at the gym the other day wearing one, that was it!  Besides a public shaming, shouldn’t they receive a beatdown?

Ed: I’m not advocating a beatdown of anyone but if a fracas involving this guy happens to occur, I’m most likely not stepping in. This guy and really any guy with creative hair (mullet, pony tail on top of the head, white guy dreads) of any kind should be avoided. It’s never a good thing when a guy tries too hard to cultivate a look. It’s ok to want longer hair but have some dignity. If Teen Wolf could perform athletically at a high level with all that hair and no strange hairband, no man should need one. The guy was covered in hair and averaged a good 70 points a game!

Brian: It used to be that the leather head strap steez was exclusively the domain of European soccer bros and now it’s somehow infiltrated its way into mainstream sports that people actually watch. If you want to rock a terrycloth headband like Cliff Robinson or Artis Gilmore, fine, because those have an athletic function and those guys were cool. But don the leather shoelace and who are you trying to be? Sasha Vujacic?

 

Finally, we got some terrible, decent, and great follow-up picks that were not chosen in the first Baller Lifestyle Draft. Here they are:

Round One: Choose a fictional action hero to babysit your children.

The big winner was Mark the Nomad who chose Leon: The Professional. Here’s his rationale:

He fits one of the main requirements of this category: He works on the cheap. This guy is basically a functioning invalid. He taught a 12-year-old girl all the tricks of the assassin game in exchange for teaching him how to read.  I know how to read. I teach for a living. I’ll teach him Algebra, Creative Writing, Chemistry…etc. The list is endless. I can have free childcare for teaching this poor bastard how to be a functioning adult.

Yeah, he’s socially awkward. Do you want a charmer watching your kids? I don’t. So what if he can’t wax poetic with the pizza guy when he rings the doorbell. He probably doesn’t tip. (I’m cool with that) and if the guy gives him any lip or gives your children an awkward glance he’s going to put a bullet right through the guys’ sunglasses.

Yes, it’s a bit strange that he taught a young girl how to be a cold-blooded killer, but the cache of action heroes with actual childcare experience is pretty slim.

Ed: An inspired pick by Mark. So much so that I left off the part where he admits he is attracted to 12-year old Natalie Portman. Take it easy, Mark. You don’t want people to know stuff like that. If so, your “teacher” status could be in serious jeopardy. If you had said Portman in Beautiful Girls, I’d be a little creeped out but would understand.

Brian: I felt kind of stupid for not picking Leon because he’s one of my all-time favorite badasses, but what’s up with his seemingly unchecked addiction to dairy products? The last thing I want is to leave my kid with a babysitter only to wake up the next morning fresh out of milk because Leon: The (childcare) Professional went on a lactose bender the night before. I know Leon can’t read and his roommate is an 11-year-old girl, but milk is a beverage for children and I don’t want mine to be deprived of it.

 

Round Two: Choose a pre-Civil War politician to compete in punt, pass and kick.

engineerhunter dug deep and came up with Xerxes I:

… dude had mad game tossing spears and kicking the severed heads of his minions who failed against those pesky Spartans

Ed: I like that you went 10,000 years before the Civil War to find your contestant.   What I can’t get on board with is the fact that one of the only known depictions of Xerxes is one in which he has someone holding an umbrella over his head. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xerxes_I   No way a diva like that wins an athletic competition.

Brian: I don’t know Xerxes because I never saw 300. #hetero

 

Round Five: Pick a TV mom you’d like to have sex with.

jhayes1985 came up with a real sleeper in Suzanne Somers from Step by Step:

when she was still in her prime and if she would fuck Patrick Duffy then my odds would be good

Ed: Somers was at her hottest as Chrissy Snow on 3’s Company but her Thighmaster-inspired hot mom comeback was a thing of beauty. As for your Patrick Duffy comment, let’s not forget he has been a regular in People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. I’m not entirely comfortable revealing why I know this fact.

Brian: She’s the Sherriff or GTFO.

 

Round Six: Choose a character from the greatest TV drama of all time, The Wire, to be your real life best friend.

DOUG DORAN redeems an alarming amount of people who responded that they didn’t watch The Wire with the pick of Bunk Moreland:

…he likes to drink and have fun, plus “I’m a humble motherfucker with a big dick, well, maybe I ain’t so humble”.

Ed: First of all, I never watched The Wire is not an acceptable answer. There are like five or six shows that every person should’ve watched. The Wire is one of them. I considered taking Bunk. He was a good dude and was always up for a beer and a ballgame. The downside is he strikes me as the kind of guy who would routinely piss or shit himself when you’re out drinking. That would get old pretty quick.

Brian: Bunk, while a good dude, like his buddy McNulty is a raging alcoholic. He would be a great friend right up until the 28^th time he vomited in your lap.

 

Round Seven: Select the achilles tendon of a fictional athlete that you would like to personally sever.

PAUL picks Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher from American Pie:

(he was a bitch)

Ed: Oz was pretty awful when you think about it. He ditched his lacrosse team in the state playoffs to go sing with Mena Suvari?!? Awful. For sure, he deserved an achilles slash.

Brian: Great selection. His rendition of Do You Believe in Magic might have been the douche-chillingest scene in cinematic history. Somebody should have done his tendon right then and there.

 

Round Eight: Assume you are incarcerated and a riot breaks out in the yard. Your only choice for survival is with the assistance of a character from 1970s or 1980s sitcom. Who are you taking?

Doug Doran and Paul went with Family Ties guys Nick and Steve Keaton.

Ed: Sorry, neither would fare too well in the gray-bar hotel. Nick was an eccentric artist. Steven was a pacifist. If you’re picking anyone from that show, it would have to be Jennifer. In the later years, she had a neck thicker than Takeo Spikes. I’m still comfortable with my pick of James Evans from Good Times but Jennifer Keaton would be a wrecking ball in a prison riot.

Brian: Nick was a slow adult. I’d take Mrs. Keaton over Mr. Keaton. I’m comfortable with my selection of the Fonz.

 

Round 12: Select a current athlete purely on the basis of dinosaur resemblance (Chris Bosh is exempt, obvious reasons).

Dave Super Funny points out the dinosauriest-looking guy outsided of Bosh wasn’t even taken – Rajon Rondo:

That guy is definitely a dinosaur. 

Ed: Definitely.

Brian: Definitely.