Paul A. asks about the effect crummy names will have on hurricane warnings:

Do you think the mindset-based-on-gender thing will take a turn and female hurricanes will be taken more seriously in the years to come once we are faced with male hurricane names like “Hurricane Caden” and “Hurricane Kodi”?

Ed: Paul, you bring up a very important point. The stupid name epidemic isn’t just an annoying thing in our lives. Stupid names could help destroy civilization.

Fast forward to 20 years from now. The governor of New York warns residents to leave Manhattan. Hurricane Jaden is picking up steam and heading right for midtown. Nine million people think of Jaden Smith.

9 million people shake their heads and continue their day. 9 million people are killed as the eye of the storm hits the Empire State Building.

There are two parenting rules to live by in this world: 1) never assume other people want to hear about your kids; 2) if your son’s name can’t be found on a souvenir license plate rack in 1995, he will endure a lifetime of scorn.

Brian: What’s scarier, Hurricane Kenzi? Or Supreme Court Justices, Jayden, Kayden and Ayden?

 

Chris has created the first Baller Lifestyle drinking game:

1. Take a drink or shot every time Fancee’s accent slips out.

2. Take a drink or shot every time Ed uses a simile or metaphor.

3. Take a drink or shot every time Brian either makes fun of a (fellow) short person, or verbally spoons Fancee.  

Ed: Excellent work, Chris. It’s a shame your keen sense of observation was wasted on something as terrible as a drinking game. You’re like the fastest horse in the glue factory.

Brian: A) Fancee has an accent?

2) If Ed’s metaphor includes a reference to 1980s pop culture do I have to pound the whole beer? Because I don’t think my liver can handle that.

J) I’m (world) average height and verbal spooning is a genius description.

 

Ben906 went to the most disturbing airport bar in the world:

I’m sitting at the airport catching up on #hetero things like the Baller Lifestyle podcast and having a beer or seven before my flight. However, I saw something and need you all to weigh in. 

What are your thoughts on two bros sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant? There’s enough room, no seat shortage in sight, yet Bro A and Bro B are sitting on the same side of the table.  Not across from each other. They clearly aren’t a couple but decided to get intimate while pounding down some fries. Isn’t this crossing a significant line of bro etiquette?

What’s the deal?

Ed: Whaaaaaa?!? I’m thoroughly perplexed. That just isn’t done here on planet earth. This isn’t a hetero thing either. If my wife sat next to me at a restaurant, I would immediately file for divorce. Here are the only times people are supposed to sit next to each other and converse:

1. At a bar.

 

2. On a talk show.

 

3. Against their will.

 

Ben, I sincerely hope you did the right thing and began screaming until homeland security hauled the bros off to the pokey.

Brian: First things first, great job imbibing at the airport. The airport is like the international waters of booze. It’s the only place (except for maybe the bar in Deer Hunter) where a guy can order a 32 oz. Budweiser with a Wild Turkey sidecar at 7:30am and nobody even turns their head (mostly because they’re on their third double Sark and Sprite). I’m always amazed when I walk into an airport and there are people not drinking. Like, how pathetic are these people’s lives that they don’t even realize that you’re supposed to get silly prior to flying.

Now, to your point about the two bros going hip-to-hip on a side of fries. This is a phenomenon I cannot speak to, not because I haven’t seen it, but more because I simply can’t conceive of a world where such behavior exists. We all know the universal rule of triangulating your position to the furthest urinal and leaving that empty seat between yourselves at a movie. I can’t imagine a scenario where two dudes would ELECT to booth up next to each other like two teenagers at the malt shop. The only conclusion one can draw is that Alfredo up-sold you one too many $3 Jameson shots with those tall Heineken drafts, because what you’re saying happened never happened.

 

Finally, Chris has a few names for our “How Fucking Old is That Guy”segment:

1. George Gaynes (dead or alive?)

2. Otis Nixon  

3. Richard Kline

4. Fonzie

5. Marv Levy

 

Ed: Brian and I have provided our answers below then looked up the real ages after the fact.

 

 

Gaines – That dude was way advanced in age when Punky Brewster and Police Academy came around. It was disturbing hearing his voice warble as he tried to teach orphan Punky life lessons or Mahoney about becoming an effective police officer. Both of those movies were in the 1984 range. Let’s say an even 30 years ago. Considering he was at least 70 then, I think George Gaynes would be ringing up triple digits these days. I say 100 and dead. – E.

There’s no way Commandant Lassard is still alive. He was 73 in 1987, which would make him a cool hundo today. I was worried that he might stroke out when that prosti fellated him under the podium. I agree with Ed, 100 and dead. – B.

(note: 97 and alive! Fuck yeah, Commandant Lassard!)

 

Otis Nixon – Nixon was so old in the mid 80s his face looked like it was the same material as the Easter Island Statues. Then again, I remember ol’Otis had an advanced relationship with the booger sugar. http://www.tmz.com/2013/05/06/otis-nixon-arrested-crack-cocaine/ I think I had a 1985 Topps card of Otis and, if I’m being generous, Otis looked to be 38. I say Otis Nixon is now about 68. – E.

Otis Nixon just looks old…like really old. Based on appearance, he was in his mid-70’s when he was roaming center field in Fulton County Stadium, but since he was an athlete we sorta know his age. He was probably in his early-mid 30s in the early 90s, which makes him about 53 or so. – B.

(note: Nixon is the double nickel, 55. Get some sleep buddy.)

Richard Kline – Larry was in that prime age of wily veteran at the singles bar (The Regal Beagle). I’ll say he was about 40 in 1978. That was 36 years ago. Larry is now 76. And I bet still slaying it at the RB. – E.

Wow, Larry. The Three’s Co. crew were supposed to be in their early 20s, right? But Larry Dallis looked about 47 at the time. I’ll round down and say that he was 40 in 1983, which makes him a spry 71 years young today.

(note: Kline is 70 and thrice married.)

 

Fonzie – The Fonz was a mechanic or bathroom attendant hanging out with high school kids at Arnolds. I’ll be generous and say he was 26 at the time of the first season which was probably 1975. I’ll also be generous and block from my memory that the coolest guy from my youth was hanging out with kids a good 10 years his junior. Arthur Fonzarelli is now 65. – E.

Fonzie was 40 playing 25. He was also mouth-sexing coeds on the jukebox, and playing Svengali to a team of high school boys in a diner’s latrine. He’s in his early 70s. – B.

(note: Henry “Fonzie”Winkler is actually 68. He was 29 and hanging out with high school kids.)

Marv Levy – Marv looked older than the wise old Chinese dude in Gremlins when the early 90’s Bills made their run. He HAD to be 75 in 1990. At the very least, Marv Levy is now 99 years old. Hang in there, Marv. The Today Show announcement is just ‘round the corner. – E.

Marv Levy was 79 in 1990. He’s 103. – B.

(note: Marv is only 88. Wow. That means he was in the 65-68 range during that Bills run.)