Send your sex and relationship questions to FanceeSex@theballerlifestyle.com, and Brian (@BrianBeckner) and Cate (@FanceeSauce) will answer them here.

 

 

Rebber emails: Besides Lenny Kravitz, what musician puts out the best albums I could listen to while pounding out my girlfriend for hours? Please don’t say Enya.

Brian: Good question, Rebber. And nice job on “pounding” your chick for hours on end. She deserves a medal (and some salve I’m guessing). You can pretty much never go wrong with L. Kravz. I mean, his music sucks and he seems like the most affected human in recorded history, but other than that he’s your guy.

Keep your eyes on the prize here, Reb. The soundtrack is incidental to the jam session you two are working on together.

My suggestion: Let her play (naughty nurse and) DJ. Plug her phone in, hit random on her music library, and take a little gondola trip to pound town. Sure, there’s potential for a Miley Cyrus track to make your Queen’s Guard break his mount, but the risk is totally worth the reward. Just pray to God you’re finished before Eddie Van Halen’s Eruption produces one of your own.

Cate: I have two concerns here. One is that you’re “pounding out” your girlfriend for hours. I’m actually going to guess that this part isn’t true, and that’s a good thing. Second, that you own or have access to L. Krav. If you don’t want your lady to experience a bad case of sudden onset vaginal dryness which no amount of KY is going to remedy, please keep that fact to yourself and definitely don’t ever play it if you’re hoping to get laid. Personally I’d go for something a bit sexier like Rhye. Or Sade if you’re more basic. Good luck though and try giving her an orgasm, versus just “pounding her out.”

 

 

Aaron queries: My friends are setting me up with someone I barely know. What is the perfect first date? French restaurant? Live Music? Laser Tag?

Brian: Two words: Karaoke.

Cate: I think an early movie and dinner afterwards is always a good call. There’s something about dissecting a movie you’ve just seen with another person that tells you A LOT about them. This is also a good way to segue into conversations about other movies and find out about potential deal breakers like if they own all of Adam Sandler’s movies on DVD or what kind of porn they’re into which is VERY IMPORTANT INFO.

 

Colin writes: Whenever I go to YouPorn, half of the videos seem to be close-ups of the guy’s junk. Is there a specific type of movie that can minimize the risk? Also, does anyone actually enjoy seeing the guys finish?

Brian: I once knew a guy that complained of a serious problem he was having “accidentally” stumbling upon transsexual porn. As a seasoned online porno consumer who has yet to ever “accidentally” encounter any such horror, I could only conclude that it was, in fact, his (possibly subconscious) intention to watch Brazilian dudes with breast implants playing find the Adam’s apple. So, embrace your love of dong “Colin.”

As to your issue with seeing “the guys finish” I’m not convinced anyone likes that. Particularly in the unsavory way it typically occurs. This, like dong spitting and acrylic nails is one of the unfortunate negatives associated with watching people have sex on the Internet.

Cate: Sex has been manipulated by the patriarchal society forever and for that reason there’s a proliferation of online porn with constant CU’s of dongs because men are obsessed with their dongs and “finishing,” mostly suggesting that is what sex is all about. It’s not, and if you’re un-evolved enough to still think that, you’re a bit sad. Maybe it’s time to widen your search away from dick CU’s and face finishers. It’s not as prolific, but porn that shows a woman getting sexed nicely that doesn’t involve both those things is out there and it’s a lot sexier than what you’ve probably been watching. It all depends on how evolved your sexual mind is though.

 

Solomon wonders: How do I indicate I would like oral sex without having to use my hand to push down the top of my girlfriend’s head?

Brian: The cool thing about living in an era where everyone has been so desensitized to graphic sexual images and behavior is that there’s no longer any topic that’s taboo. You want your girlfriend to do something? Ask her. My guess is she’s cool with it. These days finding a girl who’s shy about oral sex is like finding a unicorn holding a winning lotto ticket and the keys to a liquor store.

Cate: A. Only date rapists use this move. B. You can just ask her. C. The fact that you have to ask might be an indication of a larger problem – your girlfriend doesn’t like oral sex.

 

 

Doug Doran asks: Is there any nice way to tell a lady that you don’t want to date her because she has too many tattoos? Like if we went to a pool party, my buddies would think I either picked her up at County Jail or when she was working at the carnival. Please advise…

Brian: Everyone has a line that just can’t be crossed. Yours truly gags at the sight of French-manicured anything – DEAL BREAKER. That said, tattoos have become so mainstream I’d encourage you to step out of your comfort zone before you judge that inked-up book for its koi fish cover. There’s a person under those tattoos and it sounds like there might be something about her that intrigues you. And seriously, who cares what your shitty buddies think? Those guys are all in miserable marriages anyway. They have quarterly sex with someone they hate, exclusively in missionary position while the wife barks at them to hurry up and finish so she can get back to Real Housewives of New Jersey on the DVR. But if the tattoos are still a turn off, just let her know. No one can fault you for being honest, and there are plenty of dudes out there that’ll see your leftover gravy and come running with a biscuit.

Cate: This is pretty simple really. If you like a person and are attracted to them what your friends think shouldn’t matter to you and if it does then you have some issues of your own you need to sort out. If someone’s appearance doesn’t do it for you, including a lot of tattoos, then it’s just not your deal and why sweat it? You don’t need to tell someone the reasons you’re not attracted to them, and hence don’t want to date them, it’s just unnecessary. Letting people down nicely is a character virtue, honesty is not always the best policy when someone’s feelings are at stake. But just a guess, if she has all those tattoos she probably doesn’t give a fuck what you think of them.