From police brutality to missing planes to Bruce Jenner’s face to ISIS, 2014 was a year full of bad news. It would be easy to look back at this year and think it was a lousy one. But you would be wrong. 2014 was a great year. Here are 20 reasons why:
20. Someone punched Justin Bieber.
For a good four or five years now, every single person I know has wanted to punch Justin Bieber. Finally this summer someone actually did it. Let’s get beyond the fact that the guy who did it is a pretty boy from The Lord of the Rings. We’ll take what we can get.
19. Bob Costas’ eye proved wishes do come true.
Every four years, Americans do their best to follow a bunch of people going down a mountain at about 70 miles per hour. It’s fun in the World’s-Strongest-Man-at-a-bar kind of way but nobody really knows what’s going on. Luckily the nation could unite and revel in the optical malady that befelled Bob “Tiny Blowhard” Costas. Around the time Costas was probably pontificating about how Putin reminds him of an early-20th century major league baseball commissioner, he was struck with what they call in the medical profession “funk eye.”
In post-stroke Dick Clark fashion, Costas’ ego wouldn’t allow him to call-in sick and let someone else take over hosting duties for a few days. In Dick Clark fashion, Costas’ malady became the focus of the broadcast. Take a bow, Bob. It was hilarious.
18. A defensive player was the best in the NFL.
Never mind that Aaron Rodgers will probably win the MVP. JJ Watt dominated football as much as anyone in the past decade. Just as Roger Goodell was doing his best to turn the game into sixty minutes of seven-on-seven pass skeleton, the Texans beast just dominated the NFL. Not that I (or really anyone who lives outside of Houston) cares whatsoever about the Houston Texans, but he was fun to watch.
17. Hoverboards finally exist.
In the late 1980s, Back to the Future II predicted a 2015 featuring tons of crazy inventions – the best one being the hoverboard. Like most other predictions, the floating skateboard seemed ludicrous, that is, until about a month ago when video surfaced of Tony Hawk riding an actual hoverboard. The Kickstarter campaign was quickly funded. The future is now. Sadly, no word on a time machine being invented so you can be the acceptable age to skateboard or hoverboard.
16. Kim Jong Un befriended a crazy ex-NBA player, got gout, got murdered in a movie.
If there’s going to be a crazy world leader that everyone hates, let’s hope he has a year like this. First the fat shithead reveals he’s also a huge jock-sniffer when he courted Dennis Rodman during a January visit to Pyongyang. Then, in September, the cheese aficionado came down with a case of gout. Finally, in December, Seth Rogan and James Franco murder him in The Interview. And congrats on that sweet haircut, Kim.
15. The Kansas City Royals made it to the World Series.
Baseball is a broken sport. Teams like the Yankees and Red Sox spend around $200 million every year. Other teams like the Royals spend less than half that and expect fans to support them for 162 games. This year, KC caught lightening in a bottle and rode a wave all the way to the final game of the Fall Classic. Sadly, they lost to the Giants in seven but it was a fun ride while it lasted. I guess it also could’ve been more fun if the Orioles were the Cinderella story. But at least it wasn’t the Yanks or Sox.
14. Jay Leno finally went away.
In his two plus decades as host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno taught us a lot. First, he taught us something can be considered a “comedy” despite it not being remotely funny. He also taught us that the need for fame and fortune can far outweigh the need for dignity. The ass-kissing Leno was finally pushed out the door and it’s not looking like he will be able to weasel his way back this time. Farewell, unfunny clown.
13. We all became forensics experts about a late 1990s murder in Baltimore.
Serial, the new podcast from This American Life producer Sarah Koenig, was a breakout success in 2014. After episode two or three, everyone and their mother became an expert on a cold case murder of a high school kid 15 years ago. The great thing about the ending is it confirmed whatever you already thought about the case. The bad thing about the ending is it caused someone to email me a link to Reddit.
12. The Miami Heat lost and their star left town.
Miami sports fans are the worst. When they don’t have the best player on the planet falling into their lap, they don’t support the team. When they do, they’re insufferable, chest-thumping douchebags. This year, they rode their star until he had nothing left to give and the supporting cast stunk. The Spurs hammered them in the Finals and the I-just-want-to-be-loved Lebron hightailed it back to his home state. Cue the empty yellow seats when they are an eight seed in May.
11. Jaden Smith wasn’t in any movies.
I don’t think this one needs much explanation.
10. Clickhole was launched.
Anyone who has ever been on Facebook has seen a million “click-bait” quizzes and lists posted to their timeline. Whether it’s the top 100 cat pictures or figuring out which Disney princess you most resemble, they’re all horrible. This summer, the Onion created Clickhole, a parody “click-bait” website, and it’s now the best part about going on Facebook.
9. Colorado and Washington approve recreational marijuana. Schools get more money. Crime is down. The world still turns.
If you can get past the fact that weed often tricks people into thinking hackey sack is a fun activity and reggae is a good type of music, I think it’s pretty clear that marijuana is no worse than alcohol. Whether you like smoking weed or not, you should be fully on board with legal marijuana. First of all, it’s not like there’s ever been a moment where someone really wanted to smoke weed but didn’t because it was illegal. Might as well get some much-needed government funds from it, right? Second, legal weed is decimating these Mexican drug cartels. Remember Mexico? That place where people used to go on vacation until drug cartels started decapitating everyone?
8. Ebola cases in America are now nonexistent. Alarmists everywhere are, once again, revealed to be dopes.
Just a few short months ago, someone in your life was freaking out about a disease that posed a minimal threat to America. Fox News tried to politicize the outbreak. Facebook was flooded with silly “the sky is falling” posts from people who weren’t in harm’s way. Then, within a week or two, all three of the cases were cured. You may have gone quiet, alarmists, but we remember. We’ll always remember the time you lost your mind.
7. Michael Keaton is back.
Everyone loves Michael Keaton. Everyone. From Mr. Mom to Batman, Keaton could do anything. Then, he went low-profile for a couple decades. Well, he came back in a big way in 2014. Birdman was great and Keaton was in nearly every scene. Here’s hoping this gives his career a kickstart like Travolta post-Pulp Fiction.
6. Fred Phelps died.
Death is almost always a sad thing. Not this time. This piece-of-shit homophobe became famous for picketing funerals and spewing hate. Fred Phelps was the worst kind of jerk. His life was a life without merit. It’s nice to think every life matters. Fred Phelps is proof that’s not always the case. Glad you’re gone, Fred.
5. TV is great and getting better.
In the past decade, television has gotten better than ever. 2014 upped the ante with a bunch of new shows that are all great: True Detective, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Fargo, The Knick, Broad City, and Silicon Valley. For anyone who remembers garbage like TJ Hooker and Growing Pains, these shows are astonishingly good.
4. Duke lost in the first round.
Like crooked Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, the Duke Blue Devils keep on winning and the world is a worse place for it. Every year, they cherry pick their share of douchey basketball recruits and remain at the top of the college basketball world. Luckily for every non-asshole who hates Duke, the first round of this year’s tournament treated us to Mercer 78 Duke 71.
3. Gay Marriage is now legal in 35 states.
There will be a day very soon when kids ask their parent’s why it took so long for gay marriage to be legal in the United States. And parents won’t have a remotely plausible answer.
2. My wife didn’t notice Ben Affleck’s penis in Gone Girl.
We’ve all had some close calls in life. Maybe it was the time you narrowly avoided a car accident. Maybe you once stumbled near a cliff on a hike. My close escape was earlier this fall when my wife sneezed as Ben Affleck’s girthy penis swung across the screen in Gone Girl. I have enough problems. The last thing I need is getting compared to that hog.
1. Too Many Cooks.
It takes a lot to make a stew. A pinch of salt and laughter, too.
