VILLAINS GONNA VIL
This week’s episode began where last week’s cliff-hanger left off – with Kupah being a drunk idiot in the driveway of the Bach Mansion, because Kaitlyn had cut him for being a big, annoying baby and not just being able to chill until he was able to have some time with her on either a one-on-one or a group date like all the other bros there.
Kaitlyn comes out to the driveway in her hideous, low-cut in the back, sequined gown because she can hear the racket he’s making from inside and tells him to stop and just accept that nothing is changing. People like this who can’t read situations or take no for an answer are the worst. You’ve just given Kaitlyn a glimpse into what life with you would be like.
Kupah was feeling, maybe rightly so, a little insecure about being perhaps one of the token black guys but he handled it really badly. Plus he’s a bad drinker. He actually left with his cocktail in his hand still. Bye Kupah, see you on Bachelor in Paradise!
Then shit got real and Kaitlyn had her first tears on camera after having to give Kup the boot. She didn’t know it was going to be this hard, guys. She’s probably also sad about how they dressed her for the rose ceremony in a bad red-carpet look. Get a good stylist already, ABC, and start dressing these girls in something cute and current and age-appropriate FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
The rose ceremony, which was cut short last week, starts with the first rose going to Jared the restaurant manager, who has finally shaved that sad excuse for scruff on his face for his one-on-one interview but then cut back to the rose ceremony and he still has that sad facial hair which makes me wonder when he shot those interview scenes. Next rose goes to the good-looking Ben H, then Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling the personal trainer, Jonathan, Tanner, Chris “cupcake” the dentist, Ryan, Justin the other personal trainer, Ian, Joshua the welder, Joe the cartoon dinosaur and last but not least Tony the weirdo healer.
Kaitlyn has another cry after the rose ceremony because it was so hard. What’s hard is imagining how much Britt would be crying already if this were her rodeo.
This episode, though, was about bonds being forged and villains emerging – the classic Bachelorette formula.
The next morning the guys are awakened by two sumo wrestlers banging on a gong and my first question is why are they all sleeping in bunk beds? Doesn’t this mansion have like 27 bedrooms? These dudes are stacked on top of each other like freshman year in B dorm.
JJ, who is getting the beeeeeeeest edit ever proclaims, “I really love Japanese culture, I love sushi.”
A big deal is made out of Joe’s left nut hanging out of his sumo get up. Guys are so base.
Tony, who seems emotionally unstable, had a hard time with the Sumo wrestling-themed group date and stormed off after being tossed out of the ring by a large Japanese chap. Kaitlyn goes after him calling his name and he ignores her for a bit, then finally says a bunch of weird shit like, “they don’t know they’re fucking with,” “I view the world through the eyes of a child,” and “I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.” Okay, guy.
Tony, who probably has an IG account called @NamasteManBunWarriorGypsy, ends up bouncing though and the you can hear all the producers crying off-screen as he takes his weirdo-ness with him.
Clint, who apparently wrestled in college, wins the group date by tossing the other bros around like sad sacks of Axe and LA Looks scented potatoes.
That evening Kaitlyn gets her groove on with the guys on the tail end of the group date. She kisses Chris cupcake dentist, who I am not feeling, Clint plays hard to get which backfires later, Shawn B says he’s never fallen so hard so fast for someone, even though he’s never actually hung out with her one-on-one for more than 10 minutes.
We start to see Clint’s true colors when his plan flops, leading him to say he’s not sure Kaitlyn is the right girl for him because he knows he blew it, then makes a comment about how he’s enjoying his relationship with JJ because he “has a lot of levels.” JJ seems like a legit date rapist, and his favorite movie is A River Runs Through It.
Kaitlyn is “sent” on a one-on-one date with Ben Z, apparently orchestrated by the producers. She refers to him as “babe soda,” or something that sounds like that, which must be a Canadian thing?
The date is at some place called The Basement, an escape room situation where you’re locked in a dark room with scary things and 45 minutes to figure out how to escape by looking for clues to a password that unlocks the door. This was the worst date in the history of dates. No thanks.
Kaitlin is immediately confronted with her phobia of birds as a couple of pigeons fly out into her face when they open the door to enter. Bird phobia is very weird, why would you be scared of birds?
Kaitlyn seems to be pretty into handsome, tall Ben Z though.
The next group date is some stupid prank where the guys think they’re giving school kids sex-ed lessons, with each guy having a different topic to cover. Snore.
Ben H kills this date and Kaitlyn is feeeeeeeling him, saying,”she’s hoping he brings the heat tonight because if he does, it’s game on.” He does bring the heat later that night as they make out and he says that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend and according to Kaitlyn he knows how to kiss. Ben H is now the front runner.
Joshua the welder confesses to Kaitlyn that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. What? And he’s never been in love, which is a red flag. Basically he’s moving too slow and he’s going to get left behind, poor thing. He’s way too earnest for this show.
Kaitlyn is inexplicably attracted to Jared the restaurant manager and has another make out session with him on the group date, saying that “this one is a man and I love that.” I can’t get past his facial hair and close together eyes. Jared says that he is falling for Kaitlyn on basically his first group date.
Homegirl gives the group date rose to Ben H though and Jared does not look happy, in fact he looks like he’s about to cry.
The next part of the show is dedicated to what ABC have been alluding to as “Brokeback Bachelor”, the budding bromance between JJ and Clint, which appears to be in full swing.
I thought Clint was okay at first but seeing how he’s gravitated to JJ, who is pretty much a complete tool in my estimation, has really made me think twice. But I am really enjoying this story line and the emerging villains these two are showing themselves to be.
With carefully orchestrated questions and some clever editing the producers really have made it seem like these two fall in love with each other with Clint admitting that he and JJ have grown very close, “almost too close. In the room and in the shower.”
So we get to the rose ceremony night and couple of things about some of these bros and their fashion choices – Jared is wearing a T-shirt under his shirt and Joshua has a fug check shirt on that no straight guy should ever be caught wearing.
JJ delivers another epic line, “it’s time to start letting the guys that really matter, Clint and I, start getting more quality time. Let the big dogs hunt, dude.” Please, let him keep talking.
Clint, meanwhile, realizes that he’s not a front runner anymore because he played it too cool and Kaitlyn called him out on it, so to compensate he’s maintaining he doesn’t think Kaitlyn’s the right girl for him anymore but he really loves JJ so he wants to stay in the house so he can have more time with JJ.
So in the matter of one episode Clint’s now the show villain, fooling Kaitlyn into thinking he was into it, kissing her and then saying, “yeah, I had on my power socks so I felt like I had the power and I had to just abuse it,” and, “yeah, I’m not really interested in Kaitlyn but I need a rose tonight, so the boys have something to be worried about.” He’s amaaaaaazing.
Kaitlyn continues having one-on-one time with the other guys during the cocktail party while JJ and scheme on the sidelines, at one point they cheers their glasses and Clint says, “villains got a vill.” I mean you can’t write this stuff.
JJ continues to be intercut with Kaitlyn talking to the guys, saying things like, “I feel like it’s boys versus men right now and feel I’m dealing with like a bunch of JV croquet players, these guys need to like step it up, just be some men for a change, just be a man.” He’s secretly worried that all the other guys are talking shit about him to Kaitlyn though, which they should be.
Seems like a few of the guys have told Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ and Joshua the welder puts the last nail in Clint’s coffin. She’s heard enough and has figured out that Clint played her and she’s not impressed as she goes to find Clint and send his ass packing.
TO BE CONTINUED.