KAITLYN’S CHOICE – THE RETURN OF NORMCORE NICK

A couple of things: Kaitlyn is just as simps as I thought. “Normcore” Nick Viall is still a dickhead.

The episode kicks off where we left off, with Kaitlyn dragging Clint away from the group to tell him he’s cut. Clint seems genuinely shocked, well as much as someone who’s so shallow and doesn’t emote at all can seem shocked.

He talks about JJ and how they are “very, very, very” close and “best best, best” friends. At this point we know he’s acting because no grown man claims to have a “best” friend.

Clint maintains that all the bros in the house like him, further confusing Kaitlin. She tells Clint she’s upset because she really, really, really likes him but that she doesn’t trust him. Basically she handled him and didn’t get talked around.

JJ looks super dejected when she tells everybody she’s letting Clint go home. Then, in an awesome turn of events, JJ turns on Clint in front of the group and tells him he needs to apologize for “changing the emotional tone of the evening.” This bro-breakup seems obviously cooked but the guys do a really good job making it seem as real as an un-real situation could look with Clint telling JJ to “get the fuck out of my face. I’ve told you shit I haven’t told people in a long time.”

They both start calling each other “pieces of shit” and then Clint walks out to a very dramatic musical score and departs in the van. Bye Felicia. I was kind of bummed we didn’t get any tape of Clint in his van-ride out of there though.

Cut to JJ back in the house having a breakdown and telling himself to “suck it up.” This was overkill.

Kaitlyn has a private talk with Chris Harrison then tells the guys she’s decided not to have a rose ceremony and keep everybody around for another week, which could also be due to Tony and Clint’s early exits. Either way, the show seems to be going with this new format of rose ceremonies at the start of the episode rather than the end.

The guys all toast the beginning of their travels now as they learn they’re leaving the mansion for NYC.

Cut to NYC and the hotel they’re staying at in Times Square – what a nightmare. They all get over-excited like little girls and squeal when they see the hotel suite, this is always one of my favorite scenes. Ben Z makes a toast, “here’s to love, adventures and good memories.” Cringe.

Kaitlyn, dressed in a really fug leather jacket, reveals that she loves rapping and the first group date will be a rap-battle with surprise guest, Doug E. Fresh.

Ryan B and his great hair is into it. So more battling between the guys, only this time it’s verbally. Kaitlyn then does some really bad rapping before the date kicks off and I’m more embarrassed for her than ever.

JJ reveals he has literally never listened to any rap in his life. No one in the entire world is shocked to learn this. Ben Z is really bad. Corey the investment banker is actually not bad, but he might be gay.

Then the BIG REVEAL – in the audience is Normcore Nick from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette.

After the rap battle Kaitlyn says hi to Ashley I. from her Bachelor season and then sees Nick, who she’s only talked to online before today apparently although I’m not buying it. They stand around flirting for a bit then he tells her, “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kind of bugged me.” Classic Nick the narcissist.

Kaitlyn sits the bros down and tells them that she’s thinking about bringing Nick on the show, without revealing his name at first. They all look appropriately bummed. Like they need ANOTHER guy to compete with.

Then it gets out that it’s Nick and the guy’s all look disappointed, shaking their heads because Nick sucks and they all know it. Tanner explains what a douche Nick was and reminds us what he did to Andi after the season was over – slut shaming her on national TV like a bitch.

Justin gives a speech in support of Kaitlyn’s choice so she gives him the group date Rose. Well-played Justin. Tanner is kind of being a bit of a bitch about it but I agree with him.

The next day there’s a voiceover of Kaitlyn calling Nick with scenes of the city, snow coming down and very somber music. Okay ABC, calm the fuck down. Kaitlyn meets up with Nick the next day and tells him that she think she would regret it if she didn’t let him stay and explore their chemistry. EWWWWWWWWWWW.

Jared the wet rag gets the one-on-one date. I don’t get Jared’s appeal AT ALL. Also his hair, what the actual fuck? They have their date at the Met, which is pretty cool I guess?

Kaitlyn goes to get her hair did for the date by Ashley S., the contestant from Farmer Chris’ season who seemed a bit mental.

And then, just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, Jared pulls out a poem he’s written for Kaitlyn, one of the lines being, “and then in conclusion, as I cross all my T’s and end all my I’s with a dot, I just want you to know that I like you Kaitlyn, I like you a lot.”

Holy shit. Any normal person would have to cut him after that, but Kaitlyn is apparently blown away by this sad excuse for a poem that a nine year old must have written.

Then there’s a heli ride, so much excitement and Jared says some stuff like, “I can see myself falling in love with this girl and I can see myself marrying her.” Well Jared, I can see you packing your bags soon and going home, buddy.

Kaitlyn says that this day ended up being one of the best days of her life. For reals? I must say, it’s nice to see the show using their budget for some cool heli shots.

The next day Kaitlyn tells her guys that she’s decided that Nick is going to be moving in with them tonight, OMG. Ryan Schnozling is not impressed. Ryan B is right when he says, “it’s really annoying, it’s silly, there’s a lot of adjectives I could probably pull. There’s tons of guys out there, where does it stop?” Good point. I sense a mutiny.

Next is a Broadway-audition themed group date where Kaitlyn reveals that she loves the Disney musical Aladdin and knows the words to all the songs. Come on.

Ian reveals singing is one of his “many talents” and he’s pretty pumped for his audition. Chris the dentist reveals that he has sung the song before, in the shower, in the car and is excited to sing it to Kaitlyn. What? Chris might also be gay though, which is an unfair advantage when it comes to Broadway, just ask Hugh Jackman. Shawn the Welder says that if he sang like Chris did in his audition he would get beat up when he went home.

Chris wins the audition. Ian looks devastated.

After the performance that night, Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris climb up stairs to the roof where the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball is kept. Chris refers to it as “the center of the universe.” No, dude. He gets a rose, of course.

Then we see the camera following Nick through Times Square and into the hotel, all the way up to the guys’ hotel suite where they’re all waiting in anticipation.

The episode ends with Nick opening the door and, “what’s up guys?” Is all we hear.

DRAMATIC.