THE ALAMO – SHOTS ARE FIRED

 

This episode begins where we left off last week, with Nick walking into the hotel room to confront the guys. To his credit he handled himself pretty well, all the guys were sitting on one couch one side of the room while he sat on the opposite side facing the firing squad.

The next scene is the rose ceremony cocktail party outside on the Mets home field. It’s obviously freezing, all the guys are shivering and their noses are runny and they’re sniffling, which adds to the overall romantic vibe of the scene.

Tanner, Josh and Ryan S. all let Kaitlyn know how much they don’t like Nick being there. This record is starting to get old and the guys are starting to sound whiny.

Nick hasn’t done anything apart from being asked to be there so get over it, you big babies. But Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling says he can feel himself backing away. NO, don’t go! He tells Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and she starts to tear up. It’s not easy being The Bachelorette who gets to invite another guy who’s already been on a season of the show to come back because he’s been creeping on social media, let’s give the girl a break.

Back to the rose ceremony. Nick obviously gets a rose and Ryan, Corey and Jonathan are left without one. No surprises there really.

In a bizarre turn of events the next location announced is San Antonio, where Kaitlyn has “always wanted to go.” Huh?

Handsome Ben H. gets the first one-on-one date card. They go to some old dance hall to learn two-step, another super boring, daggy date. Snore.

Ben says he’s two-stepped at the bar on a Friday night before. What?

Kaitlyn says she hopes she and Ben have good chemistry on the dance floor otherwise she’s not sure… They practice for a while and then enter that night’s contest against people that have been doing it every week for years and years but somehow they don’t get eliminated right away.

Back at the hotel Josh the Welder is showing himself to be kind of a weirdo. He’s obsessed with his dislike for Nick. Meanwhile he’s sharing a house/hotel/whatever with JJ who is arguably worse than Nick and not even cute.

Cupcake Chris reads the group date card and Nick is on it. Schnozling however is not and is very happy because he knows he’s getting the next one-on-one date.

Kaitlyn feels like Ben H. opens up to her on their date but all he really did was talk about his last relationship which it sounds like he might not be over. He seems nice but pretty dull.

The next day is the group date. Kaitlyn says that it’s going to be a problem if Nick can’t get along with the other guys, which is really dumb because of course he’s not going to get along with them if they all hate him? But it actually seems like they’ve all accepted the situation. Everyone that is but Joshua, who is seeming a bit psycho at this point.

On yet another really dumb group date the guys have to write mariachi songs and sing them to Kaitlyn. This seems like it would be a huge turn-off.

Then the producers begin to build Ian’s storyline for this episode, which is pretty epic. He says that he’s very excited for this day, he loves to sing, “I’ve got the muscles and the brain and the heart so let me sing from it and I can sing, so…” Again with the claims about how great he is at singing.

Kaitlyn said she would love to see Ian’s sense of humor if there is one. This is foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen it.

They each take turns serenading Kaitlyn in front of a “crowd.” Justin’s not bad, JJ plays the guitar but his signing is atrocious, Dinosaur Joe is kind of goofy, Ian chokes again. He’s really mad at himself and says “I’ve set myself up to be a performer, and then I can’t fucking perform. I’m a joke.” I’m worried that Ian might kill himself now.

Nick, always the show pony, serenades Kaitlyn up on a balcony, much to all the other guys chagrin. One of the lines of his song being, “We had such a great connection, it gives me such a huge erection.” Nooooo.

Most of the guys agree that he did a good job and more power to him. Afterwards Nick says, “I feel kind of good right now, I’m kind of glowing.” Like a pregnant woman?

Nick knows that Josh is really pissed and hates him and seems kind of amused by it. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY MURDER YOU.

That night on the group day they go to some western-themed town situation. First to have one-on-one time with Kaitlyn is Josh who gets Kaitlyn to give him some janky haircut which she fucks up. So dumb, so pointless.

Nick wastes no time getting into a make out session with Kaitlyn and without Nick there Josh cannot stop talking about him, he has a real issue that Nick has been on the Bachelorette before. Who cares? Honestly, LET IT GO.

Josh tells Kaitlyn that none of the other guys like Nick, which makes her concerned that all the other guys are lying to her. Then he returns to the group and acts all weird, telling everyone he’s been in an interview the whole time but they all know he’s been talking to Kaitlyn.

Some stupid drama ensues because Kaitlyn comes in and puts everyone on the spot about what Josh has just told her. I kind of feel bad for Josh that everyone hung him out to dry, even though that was a bad play on his behalf.

Kaitlyn gives Nick the group rose and he says, “If things continue the way they are I am absolutely going to fall in love with this girl.”

Shawn B. is pumped for his date with Kait. They get in kayaks and paddle down some dirty river in the middle of the city. Kaitlyn’s never been kayaking which is weird, I thought that was a Canadian sport?

Kait says she loves Shawn’s voice and she loves his smell. More kayaking, kissing, talking while drinking champagne, being about that life, the usual.

Shawn “opens up,” telling Kait about a car accident he was in 5 yrs ago and gets all emotional. He thinks this amounts to “letting his guard down.” What? Then things get more uncomfortable, especially when he says “I’m falling in love with you.” Kait says she feels the same way. Full cringe.

Okay let’s get to the BEST part of this episode, Ian. I love Ian and I wish they would give him more screen time, especially his interviews where he says things like, “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me? Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.” WHAT?!?!?

One of the problems with the show’s format is that not everyone gets one-on-one time with the Bachelorette in time to quell any insecure feelings they might be having. Ian falls victim to this. Patience is the name of the game, you can be a late starter and still make an impression but it’s all up to you.

Nick is sent in to talk to Ian about his insecure feelings and how he feels like he would make a great bachelor. He tells Nick, of all people, “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting, I don’t think that’s something wrong with me I think that’s something wrong with her.” So basically Ian feels a bit rejected because he’s blown both of his group dates and now is turning on Kaitlyn, who probably likes him.

Ian is a big baby, and he’s decided he wants to go home.

The rose ceremony is here and all the guys are feeling pretty nervous. Especially Josh, who’s having a cry because he blew it so hard last night on the group date. Sad face.

Ian’s storyline is hijacking the rose ceremony as it builds and builds. Kaitlyn reiterates to the guys that she’s all about honesty and fuck the bullshit.

Ian claims that, “she’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” He’s really on a roll now.

For her first one-on-one time she takes fug Jared up to her room for a chat. Jared tells Kaitlyn that he does feel like it’s falling in love with her.

Ian’s voice over about how great he is compared to all the other guys is edited over Kaitlyn and Jared falling onto her bed which is covered in rose petals and the two of them making out.

Ian – “If one of these lames is better than me then just pick one of the lames. I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here, I have a good job, a good education, charisma, brains.” Keep talking, this is amazing.

Ian – “I could be the bachelor. I think I am a very eligible bachelor in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” Holy. Shit.

Ian – “I don’t like Kaitlyn, she’s not interesting she’s just here to make out with a bunch of guys.” He wants you to know that he has a good time in his own life, he meets chicks and he has A LOT of sex.

Finally Kaitlyn comes back in from making out with Dinosaur Joe outside and Ian gets some time alone with her to give her a piece of his mind. He basically tells her that all the guys are imbeciles and he is way above it all and if that’s what works for her they aren’t a match because he’s deep.

“I only see you as a surface level person at this stage. I wonder if you’re really that shallow because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

ALL THE SHOTS FIRED!

TO BE CONTINUED.