SEXGATE AND MELTDOWNS IN IRELAND

We open back up with Ian, the humorless dickhead who’s a bad sport and a big baby, telling Kaitlyn why he’s taking his ball and bouncing. He’s too good for her.

“I’m too deep a thinker, I’m too self-aware,” reminding us that he thinks he’s better than everybody else there, and that he’s an interesting guy. He actually seems as dull as bat shit to me.

Ian is basically the Kelsey of this season, completely un-self aware and condescending. I bet he sucks in bed too.

The guys all smell blood as they see him leave.

In the limo ride Ian tells us again that he knows what it takes to be The Bachelor, he’s so deep that he feels that he’s destined to find love on the show and he’s destined to become The Bachelor. He’s so deep in his own BS he can’t see how this argument negates everything else he’s saying.

He’s really, really fond of himself, telling us that if he was The Bachelor women would come out of the woodwork for him and would be saying things like, “oh fuck, I want to go out with that guy!”

He ends this diatribe with, “Oh man, I need to have some sex.”

That leaves 11 guys.

Kaitlyn is super offended that Ian called her shallow, which is obviously not true because she’s here to be on TV! How dare he.

Next to talk to Kaitlyn after Ian leaves is Nick, of course, painting himself as a hero, telling her that he had stuck up for her with Ian. Such a douche.

Nick is extremely camera aware which only adds to his douchiness. He’s wearing all the bracelets tonight with his suit and bowtie, he’s so affected and smarmy he makes my skin crawl. He playfully bites Kaitlin’s finger at one point. It’s all so gross and she’s playing right into his small hands.

Nothing is more weird or awkward than the guys standing around telling each other about their connections with Kaitlyn and how they’ve opened up to her when they’re all dating her. Like keep your relationship with her private, you idiots!

Meanwhile all the guys know Nick is talking to her and they’re all going stir crazy, particularly Josh who is seeming more and more unstable.

Of course the producers send Shawn up to talk to Kaitlyn so that he’ll walk up on Nick and Kaitlyn making out while Nick says things like, “you do not disappoint.” Very ewwwww.

After seeing them, Shawn walks away; he needs a minute to calm down.

Kaitlyn explains in her interview that intimacy is a big part of a relationship and she’s not afraid to say that or to explore it with her wannabe suitors. Some foreshadowing here by the editors.

It’s rose ceremony time and Kaitlyn is going with her new favorite rose ceremony look, a backless dress, draping down to her ass.

The sight of Jared physically repulses me. I feel like he manages a Sizzler back in his hometown.

Joshua has styled his hair into a faux-hawk, which only accentuates his fucked-up one-sided fade that Kaitlyn gave him last week. Poor Josh.

Chris cupcake says, “there’s a reason hey call Texas the wild west because things have really gotten out of hand.” How is he still here? He gets another rose though, but his days are numbered.

She also keeps JJ, which is shocking to me and I’m reminded that she’s actually a bad judge of character.

All of a sudden we cut to the final rose, which she gives to Tanner. Justin and Joshua are out. I liked big, fit, dopey Justin with his big lips, he’ll do okay as an Abercrombie model though.

Josh is still banging on after he gets cut about how he is not very happy that he is leaving and Nick is still there even though Kaitlyn clearly likes Nick and not him. Life is hard for Josh who starts to tear up.

Chris Harrison tells the group that they are leaving the country to Dublin, Ireland, which Kaitlyn says is on her bucket list.

Cut to Ireland with dramatic shots of the scenery set to equally dramatic Gaelic music, then an Irish jig. This show really likes to beat you over the head with the generic location tropes.

Dinosaur Joe has never been outside the U.S.

Kaitlyn joins the guys at their hotel, cue the Radisson plugs, and tells them that the group date starts now and informs Nick that he is the chosen one, leaving all the guys looking upset, particularly Shawn.

Nick decides to wear his collarless leather jacket.

The producers start building the story, really playing up their physical connection and showing them touching each other and kissing all the time.

Kaitlyn’s bird fear rears its head when they encounter some pigeons in the park, which makes me feel like she’s a legit idiot.

Some embarrassing Irish river street dancing goes down, as if Nick didn’t already look bad enough. He’s just really un-manly.

They stop at a street vendor where Nick buys them both matching silver promise rings, which he puts on Kaitlyn’s wedding ring finger. Seriously?

Nick remarks that since he showed up he and Kaitlyn have been all over each other.

Meanwhile back at the guys’ hotel, as usual, they’re all sitting around talking about how hard this whole process is, especially watching Kaitlyn go off on her one-on-one date with Nick.

Nick is definitely in it to win it but these guys need to stop obsessing about him because news flash – you’re all competing against each other, not just Nick.

The group date card arrives and Tanner is on it, which means he still doesn’t get a one-on-one date yet. JJ and Dinosaur Joe look like they’re getting the two-on-one date. JJ says he kind of feels bad for Joe. JJ’s an idiot.

By the time Kaitlyn and Nick’s night portion of their date rolls around she is well and truly under his spell. The spell of lust misinterpreted for something else, big trap. Their date is mostly kissing noises along with lots of uncomfortable whisperings like, “you’re giving me goose bumps,” and “I’m feeling for you.” So hard to watch.

Also, did I mention they’re in a church?? Nice touch, ABC.

And then, OMG, Kaitlin tells Nick she doesn’t want the night to end asks him if he wants to go back to her hotel! Is this allowed?!

And just like that, it’s ON.

Back in Kaitlin’s hotel room more making out with Nick intercut with Shawn and Jared talking about how much they wish they were with Kaitlyn right now and how they still don’t trust Nick. If they only knew what was about to go down.

Kaitlyn takes Nick into the bedroom and closes the door, shutting the cameras out but we’re left with their audio and Kaitlyn saying, “I feel good about this all.” and Nick saying, “I don’t want this to end, I want to know every part of you.” Lots of heavy breathing. I don’t understand, do they not realize they were still mic-ed?

We go to commercial to Kaitlyn’s heavy moan-breathing, really turning up the scandal of a woman having sex!

The next scene is Nick sauntering out of Kait’s hotel room the next morning with his jacket slung over his shoulder and Kaitlyn on her balcony with the morning after glow, smiling to herself.

I’m not sure if she’s talking to herself or someone off the camera but she’s asking if this has ever happened before and saying she doesn’t want this to be an issue, and that she feels like it would ruin everything if Nick says anything to the other guys. No shit.

Kaitlyn says she does feel guilt but it’s not about the act it’s about the act, she cares about the other relationships that she has. She feels good about what went down with Nick and says she’s falling for him.

Nick meets up with the guys at the hotel and can’t help himself to rub it in a little bit and let the guys know that he went back to Kaitlyn’s room to chill after they drink a lot of whiskey and described the time in Kaitlyn’s suite as intimate, personal, authentic and very comfortable.

This is why Nick is a pretty good villain.

Dinosaur Joe plays it cool though and lets Nick know that Shawn had also got to spend extra time with Kaitlyn on a date which, is visibly bothers Nick. Nicely played, Joe.

It’s becoming more apparent that Shawn can’t really cope with what he’s hearing. He still can’t wrap his head around how this whole thing works, obviously.

Meanwhile Kaitlyn is still talking to herself on her balcony and she’s clearly in a room of mirrors, the regret starting to sink in as she says to herself, “what was I thinking?” And, “all of it is bad, all of it.” Uh oh, the shame spiral.

The next scene is the group date, maybe the stupidest date ever. Chris Harrison informs the guys that Kaitlyn is, “dead for the day” and they are going to celebrate her life with a traditional Irish wake, which I think translates into getting shit-faced drunk. If only.

Ben Z plays the sympathy card, smart, and gets a bit emotional during his speech because he lost his mom when he was younger and he tells Kaitlyn later that it was super hard for him.

Tanner described the date as “neat.”

The second part of the date takes place at the Guinness storehouse, which is much cooler. Maybe this is the getting shit-faced part. And also quintessentially Irish, like Leprechauns.

Jared and Kaitlyn’s alone time during the date is typically cringeful.

Shawn is feeling the pressure but says he feels confident that he’ll get the group date rose but Jared from Sizzler gets it. Shawn is now about to lose his shit.

The next scene is the most cringeful of all. Kaitlyn takes Jared into a candlelit cathedral where Irish band The Cranberries are set up and play their hit song for Jared and Kaitlyn to dance and make out to. I was wondering when these cheesy band scenes from other seasons would re-appear.

Shawn would lose his mind right now if he could see what was going on inside this church. Meanwhile he’s telling the guys that he loves Kaitlyn, which is preeeeeeetty awkward.

Then shockingly, the fourth wall is broken when Shawn is filmed talking to one of the crew, who he apparently confides in, telling him that he and Kait spent the night together laying on his bed and she told him he “was it,” and, “you’re the one.” But he’s not looking forward to the fantasy suite where she may “bang two other dudes.” Yes, that’s how this game show works.

Shawn is having some trust issues and says that he’s about to cry right now. Basically he’s not cut out for this situation at all, he says he’s not going to make it through because he can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know how many Guinness he’s had at this point but I don’t think they’re helping.

So he goes in search of Kaitlyn, his voice-over playing, “she’s ruining everything that we had.” Someone needs to get him a Xanax, stat.

He shows up to Kait’s room, she thinks that he’s there to talk to her about what happened with Nick. If he ONLY knew that. Things are tense. What will happen?!

I’ll tell you next week, right here.