You Can Only Pick One of Two Bad Choices

We open with some interview with Nick who has grown a beard to make it harder for Kaitlyn to decide between he and Shawn. Genius plan.

We then zoom in from above on a new house in Malibu where Kaitlyn is hosting her family’s visit to meet the potential dummies she’s supposedly having a hard time choosing between.

Here’s where the show loses me. I don’t buy that you don’t know at this point, if not awhile ago or maybe even all along, who you’re going to pick. So this part feels so contrived.

But like with most things, including a lot of reality, I’m still willing to suspend my disbelief here for entertainment’s sake. It’s the only way you can watch this show, like you’re watching a very controlled sociological experiment that the subjects don’t know they’re part of. When you view it like that it’s pretty fascinating.

We meet Kaitlyn’s family starting with her sister, who has the most tragic reverse ombré I think I’ve ever seen. What is that?

Followed by her mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom.This is a family who are pumped to be on TV. Kait’s mom, Leslie, who’s wearing an age-inappropriate blouse, and seems like she’s had some work done, but Canadian work, quickly becomes the star of this get-together. The step mom wilts in her shadow.

Looking at Kait’s parents, this is a perfect example of two not-that-attractive people making an attractive offspring. It’s also clear that Kaitlyn’s dad was no match for Leslie.

Kaitlyn tells her family that she had time with Nick “off camera” and “things happened.” Seriously? Talking to your family about your sex life is really weird, in case you weren’t aware. Also, “off camera time” will from now on be known as sex on this show.

The cringe-worthy conversation continues as Kaitlyn tells her mom that she can’t keep her hands off Nick. Who tells their mom this stuff? This is as bad as Nick telling his mom that Kaitlyn is really good at making out.

She then tells them that they can’t judge Nick based on his first season with Andi, which I think is complete BS, because why not?

Nick arrives to meet Kaitlyn’s family and she immediately tells him that she has told her family that they had sex in Dublin. Nick feels very awkward about this, obviously. Kaitlyn is pretty much a teen when it comes to decision making.

On an appearance note, Nick has his typically overly-curated, new-vintage look in full effect, and Kaitlyn looks like she needs to wash her hair.

Nick immediately adopts his well-worn body language of a child, resting his face in his hand whilst talking to her family about the reason he decided to come on the show.

Nick then sits down with Kaitlyn’s mom who wants to know what Kaitlyn sees in him. This is where Nick really excels, talking about himself. Leslie brings up the sex with he and Kaitlyn! Jesus Christ.

Nick also excels at crying, which he starts to do. Nick’s cry face is right up there with Clare Danes’ cry face on Homeland.

As soon as he gets emotional, Kaitlyn’s mom does a 360 and is fully on board with him now, referring to him as a “teddy bear” and a “sweetheart” and that she was totally wrong with her judgment of him. People are so fickle. She’s also maybe on her 4th glass of Chardonnay.

Next, Nick sits down with Kaitlyn’s wee little dad, Mike, and tells him that he loves every part of her. Super awkward. Kaitlyn’s dad, after two minutes, tells Nick he could have his blessing to ask Kaitlyn to marry him. They all seem very eager to give her away.

Then Kaitlyn walks Nick out and they do some gross kissing against the car.

It’s day two and time for the fam to meet super-basic and super-dull Shawn.

The main problem with choosing Shawn would be knowing that he would be spending three times as long as you doing his hair every day and fighting with you over the blow dryer.

I didn’t think Kaitlyn’s mom could top her outfit from yesterday but the black-and-white ensemble with the matching plastic earrings she has on today does the trick. Matched in awesomeness by her husband’s bright neon yellow shirt.

Shawn sits down with Kaitlyn’s family and tells them that he had in fact been a Kait creeper from awhile back, explaining that he watched her exit on Chris Soules’ season and took a screen shot of her from the TV, circled it with a love heart and the text, “Don’t worry Kaitlyn… I’m coming for you” and sent it to his bros. What?

He comes with gifts, one for Kait’s sister who is so over the top excited she might never have had a gift before.

Shawn wins over the family pretty fast as well with a toast at lunch, which seems pretty genuine.

After lunch Kait’s mom grills Shawn about his jealousy and how he’s going to handle Kaitlyn’s “big personality” that people are drawn to. He explains that he’s in love with her and that going through what they’ve been through has only made them stronger.

Shawn says there’s nothing that’s going to break them up. I mean except maybe if she doesn’t choose him. That would definitely break them up. But she’s going to pick him.

And with that, Shawn won over Leslie more than Nick.

Kaitlyn’s sister also says that she’s on “team Shawn” and Kaitlyn replies with her typical Wayne’s World, “whoooooaaaaa!” So Canadian.

The consensus seems to be that Kait’s connection with Shawn is stronger than her connection with Nick, which may be more of just a physical connection.

In another really uncomfortable scene, Shawn asks Kaitlyn’s mom and dad for their blessing to propose to Kait, using his catch phrase “at the end of the day” about 50 times. Leslie gives him 1000 percent, her dad had some conditions but says yes too. Then there were awkward hugs.

The next day, Kaitlyn meets up with Nick in daggy Marina Del Ray where they post up on a boat on some cushions and pop some champers, a real Bachelor trope.

I’m not feeling Nicks boating outfit, mostly the shirt. Also the “surfing” on the small boat as he approaches Kaitlyn’s launch, he’s such a show pony.

More boring talk about their connection. Kaitlyn talks about how Nick brings out a side of her that nobody else does. Uh huh.

Later that evening, Nick tells Kaitlyn he has a gift for her in his bedroom. I’m thinking, “oh yeah, I know what that gift is,” haha.

I was so wrong. He takes her inside and presents her with a framed picture of their first solo date, which is engraved with “you and me,” next to a really embarrassing poem describing how he felt on the date, which he then reads aloud to her.

Nick has used his best sixth grade handwriting which he’s lined up using a ruler, the whole thing is so tragic but Kaitlyn tells him it’s really sweet. She’s a great liar.

If I really wasn’t sure who I wanted to pick, this would seal the deal for the other guy.

I’m starting to feel like Kaitlyn is kissing Nick a bit too much to make up for the dead air because she doesn’t know what to say.

Kaitlyn says when she looks at Nick she knows she’s in love, just not that in love.

The next day Kaitlyn meets Shawn at a winery and they’re in matching outfits. So “couples being basic.”

Shawn starts feeling insecure and freaking out when Kaitlyn starts acting a little weird and he thinks she has something to tell him. This is highly produced for drama and again, I definitely feel like I’m being tricked. Fighting the urge to suspend my disbelief while knowing what’s really going on is getting hard.

Later Shawn says in his interview that he needs to get their connection back because if he goes to bed tonight with any doubts there’s a good chance he won’t be getting down on one knee tomorrow.

When these people talk about being married after knowing each other for eight weeks it just sounds so stupid. Why are we so obsessed with the whole marriage fairytale? Is someone keeping the divorce statistics a secret from the general population?

Then Shawn gives Kaitlyn his gift, which is a really lame ‘memory jar’ full of tokens from all their dates which the producers have obviously put together for him. He presents it as if it’s an actual thing people give to each other. It’s not.

Kaitlin’s feeling bad about having to blindside one of these guys  – I feel like they should expand on this because it is the most f-ed up thing about this show. She strings one person along until the bitter end where she dumps that person on national TV so they look like a fool for believing they were going to win. It’s messed up.

The next morning, D-Day, plastic surgery-faced jeweler to the stars, Neil Lane shows up to Shawn’s door with his rings. He chooses a big, fug, ostentatious, square one to satisfy our culture’s obsession with “the ring.” The bigger the ring, the more he loves me, right? My whole self-worth is in that ring!

Nick is also surprised by a visit from Neil, although he was half expecting Kait coming to dump him a la Andi, and his briefcase of over-the-top engagement raaaangs for basics.

Nick tells Neil all about his promise ring and how it’s a really beautiful story. Such a douche.

The getting ready montage where Kaitlyn’s done up to look almost like a bride, but not quite.

They all convene back at the Bachelor Mansion for the proposal scene, the guys in their separate limos holding their enormous rings.

Nick is up first, not a good sign. He starts pouring out his heart out and Kaitlyn’s face looks blank. That’s the you’re getting dumped face. And in a particularly cruel twist of events she lets him finish his speech and reach into his jacket for the ring before she stops him with a ”no.” Brutal.

So much humiliation. Nick looks more pissed that he was with Andi. “I just don’t know what to think right now, I feel sick.” He’s angry that she told him that she loved more than once.

“I am the worlds biggest joke.” Only for a week, buddy. Then everyone will go back to not caring who you are again.

And Shawn and Kaitlyn get their fairytale TV proposal ending.

This will be perfect for the obligatory, “look at my ring!” Instagram post that all basic bitches make.

Great job guys, two basic people finding love with each other on a game show. Love wins again!