BACK IN PARADISE BUT NOT FOR LONG

The show opens with a barefoot Chris Harrison being corny as usual with comments like, “toes in the sand, cold drink in the hand.” This is going to be great.

Here are the arrivals person by person:

Jade: She arrives first and immediately becomes the hottest female commodity. Guys think she’s hot, and they all may or may not have Googled her and are in Playmate conquer mode. Guys are simple, which is perfect because Jade is simple too.

Jared: Next arrival is Jared who has brought along his bad, patchy goatee and is wearing some sweet dad loafers.

Tenley: Tenley and her weird baby voice arrive and after surveying the scene she comments that all the guys seem really classy. She wants to know “is that fair?” about Ashley I. bringing her sort-of-hot sister, Lauren.

Carly: Carly was a hater on her season of The Bachelor (Chris’ season not “Chris’s,” ABC) and is a hater here, she’s super pissed that Ashley has brought her sister too.

Jonathan: Jonathan and all his tats are here. Jonathan who is like 31 or something has filed for bankruptcy. He also has a kid. He says that he has been with sisters at the same time before and it was “pretty amazing.” Then he brags that he’s had a couple of virgins as well and, “it’s a lot of fun but a bit of work.” What. A. Creeper.

Ashley I.: As mentioned, Ashley I. turns up with her sister Lauren and is apparently, still a virgin. As they all arrive they cluster around an outside bar hitting the cocktails and Ashley requests a “Sex on The Beach” which is the most basic cocktail you can order. I predict about three of these before she starts crying.

Ashley announces that she is the pickiest princess and has to hold out for her Aladdin. Also, she’s dead serious. She then says that she and Lauren aren’t into meatheads, they’re into athletes though and there’s a difference, really?

Ashley tells Lauren that she’s into Jared and this becomes the bane of her existence. She can’t talk to him though because she’s so emotionally retarded.

Cue constant tears.

Lauren I.: Ashley’s tragic sister who is a self-proclaimed, “not a virgin.” She’s the first to start drunk-girl crying later that night.

Tanner: Immediately has his eye on Jade upon arrival, like everyone else.

Mikey: The first thing out of Mikey’s mouth is, “I’m the epitome of an alpha male,” followed by, “I can get you all jacked like me in a month!” Mikey is a huge, dumb meathead who immediately gravitates to Lauren I. Mikey asks the sisters, “what happens if you’re into the same guy?” To which Ashley replies that she makes out with them and Lauren says, “and I finish them off.” Wow.

Mikey T. is the first person to get his shirt off but leaves his long pants and belt on to scoop Lauren up for a bit of flirtatious chitchat. Before too long they’ve stripped down for a swim so Mikey can get handsy in the ocean.

Juelia: Juelia greets everyone with what are definitely the biggest fake cans so far. Juelia also has a kid and hits it off with single dad and huge creeper, Jonathan. They’re coupled up by the end of the second episode.

Kirk: The only ginger arrives and Carly announces that he’s “freaking cute” and he’s wearing plaid and she loves plaid. He takes a liking to Carly, much to everyone alive’s shock.

Dan: Dan Cox arrives, he’s wearing a beard which I thought was a weird choice for Paradise but maybe easier not to have to shave? Dan Cox and Ashely S. pair up pretty quickly.

Jillian: Alpha female Jillian arrives wearing only a neon bathing suit because her ass was so sexualized on her season of The Bachelor that now it’s become a dumb gag to black out her ass. I feel bad for her. She also has a new boob job but they look more like pecs. Jonathan continues to be gross by saying he wanted to take a bite out of Jillian when he sees her and her yellow bikini.

JJ: Jade says she hopes there’s no douche bags and then enter JJ in his pink slacks. JJ is my fave male cast member. JJ is also shown in his pink tank top a lot. I feel like JJ will be a late bloomer on this season.

Ashley S.: May be unwell but more likely just acting, Ashley S. is the last girl to arrive. For now. Kirk says he expected an inability to “conversate” from Ashley S. but she seems surprisingly normal, for now, apart from being really into the parrots they have caged there.

After the arrivals Chris Harrison tells the guys that they’ll be giving out the first rose so they have the power this week. In a perverted twist he also informs everyone that if somebody extends a rose to one of the I. sisters, both will be staying. This seems like something the sisters might have negotiated beforehand. Either way it’s dumb.

After the break Chris Harrison officiates Marcus and Lacey from last season’s fake wedding for ratings in front of the new season’s cast and a few family members. So basically in front of a group of strangers. The whole thing is daggy and depressing on top of being made up.

Marcus and Lacey are the perfect basic couple to represent “love” to all the basics watching as though this is real.

The first night in paradise is a booze-fueled pool party where every guy tries to hit on Jade.

Lauren, 24, and a hot mess, is the first to start crying. She’s clearly had one too many margaritas and tells her sister that some of the girls are old and will do whatever because they’re old, like Juelia and Tenley.

Ashley I. announces that she’s only into Jared because he has “perfect eyes, a perfect nose and perfect lips.” She’s such an idiot, it’s great.

At least they have a decent sized pool the season, unlike the hot tub-sized HPV pool from last season that looked all murky.

Kirk and Carly couple-up like teenagers. Kirk can’t tell she wants him to kiss her so she has to initiate the first kiss, which is a bit emasculating. He’s either kind of a pussy or didn’t think he was that into her. Time will tell but for now they seem pretty into each other. I predict this doesn’t last though.

Carly announces that this kiss was one of the best of her life. I have a feeling she hasn’t kissed many sober guys.

Mikey is a huge idiot. He honestly thinks he has tons of options because he’s just that dumb. Meanwhile he has no options.

Later that night, around the beach bonfire, Ashley I. tells everyone that she’s not really into princesses and the whole Cinderella thing and that Jasmine, from the Disney movie Aladdin, is her princess. She’s such a moron.

When Jade asks Jared if he still has feelings for Kaitlyn he basically says he does, like the wet rag he is. He’s a really nice wet rag, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Ashley I. watches Jade and Jared talking on the moonlit beach from the cabana and is freaking out and starts bawling, her ugly cry face is back and so is her maniacal crazy drunk girl laugh-crying.

The next day the first date card arrives and Ashley I’s name is on it. She immediately starts obsessing about asking Jared. Her fear of rejection is so text-book it’s almost funny. Why she thinks a show like this is a good idea for her is a bit puzzling. She’s crying at the thought of having to ask Jared in case he doesn’t want to go with her while her sister tries to help her blend in her foundation she’s applied badly from the entire suitcase of makeup she’s brought along.

Jared does not look pumped that he might be asked but of course he accepts her invitation in front of the entire group and off they go. Ashley says that she thinks Jared looks like Aladdin and she’s totally in love with him before the end of the date.

Back at the villa, Tanner announces that he is also interested in Jade and the next date card has Jade’s name on it, but of course.

Jade says that it’s kind of a toss-up between Tanner and Jared for her at this point but rather than go for sloppy seconds and take Jared after he’s just been out with Ashley I, she asks Tanner. This is a defining moment I feel like, because Jared was also into Jade and now it might be too late for them to pursue their mutual interest,

Tanner lets Jade know that he thinks her Playboy spread is awesome and he doesn’t judge her for it. These two are so boring together but also a perfect couple.  At one point he holds her hand and tells her that he’s interested in having something with her and she leans in for a kiss. Tanner has more game than we all thought.

Jade suggest they have a dip in their underwear in the dirty Mexican river nearby which they’re definitely going to catch a disease or parasite from. Tanner asks Jade if she’s “still a wild mustang?” My guess is he’s hoping yes.

For some unexplained reason Ashley S. is carted off in an ambulance with Dan Cox in tow. She comes back hours later as if nothing happened.

Late entry, queen of the basic bitches and actual idiot, Clare Crawley and her bad hair extensions make their entrance. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Clare is the only Paradise veteran, having an unsuccessful turn on last season. But she’s back to find love, because she’s literally got nothing else going on but is extremely pleased with herself anyway. She let’s the viewers know she’s not afraid to “ruffle any feathers” either.

Clare conveniently announces that she’d like to get to know Tanner, Kirk and Jared – the three guys who are semi-coupled up.

Mikey is the reject at this point but he basically asks Clare to ask him on the date. She accepts, she’s not quite ready to rock the boat, she’s played this game before and maybe she learned a thing or two.

Their date is some gross tantric couples yoga and Clare hopes she doesn’t have to “rub privies” with Mikey on their first date. Me too.

Later, Clare basically tells Mikey that they don’t have anything going on and she still wants to talk and meet other people. He immediately wants to kiss her after hearing this and thinks she’s super into him. He’s not real smart.

Ashley S. gets the next date card and chooses Dan Cox. They kiss. Snore.

It’s now the night of the first rose ceremony and each guy can give one girl a rose, leaving one girl to go home.

This is the part of the show where the most maneuvering happens, as everyone is desperate to get a rose or as Ashley I. puts it, “claim my stake.” Ashley I. tries hard to pin down Jared but he’s not giving her much.

Ashley and Lauren are the biggest wet rags of all the girls. Lauren announces that Juelia, Jade and Jillian all have fake tits and that everyone is “old.”

Jillian and Tenley are both trying to work JJ for a rose with Tenley making a power move and telling JJ he could kiss her to see if they had chemistry. Tenley isn’t fucking around, let’s not forget that she won Bachelor Pad one season, she’s in it to win it.

JJ does chooses Tenley over manly Jillian and her new boobs which she takes home.

In a shocking twist, Jared tells Clare that if she doesn’t have a rose when it’s his turn to pick, he’ll give her his. Whaaaaaaaaa?!

Mikey gives Clare a rose so Jared is free to give his to Ashley I., securing her equally awful sister in the process.