Where There are Tears There’s an Ashley or a Clare

This week it’s the women’s turn to hand out the roses. The dynamic is fascinating when the tables are turned and the men no longer have the power. Not surprisingly they all start to behave in a way that could be described as very “female.” Yes, they all behave like chicks wanting to be picked by a guy.

The show opens with Tenley giving a speech after the rose ceremony about how she really believes in this process. This is Tenley’s week, she kills it. Not bad for an “old” broad.

Lauren is still complaining about how she hates this because she has a bad attitude and doesn’t like anybody. Lauren is an annoying princess, she’s the worst and she’s ruining her sister’s game.

Later, Lauren reveals to Tanner and Dan that she has someone back home that she’s “super into” and that he’s not her boyfriend she’s just “so in love with him she can’t think about anything.” Then she goes on to further say that she is kind of the “mistress” but he’s not married. This is probably completely normal in Jersey.

This news travels fast.

Lauren then starts crying about it in her interviews as well with her long, gross, beige acrylic nails. She’s just as emotionally unstable as her sister.

It comes up that Lauren wants Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season to show up. That really dumb welder guy you say? Yes, him. Then the sisters talk about how Joshua is 32 and how Lauren could start having babies with him right away. What the actual fuck? This is the kind of crazy you don’t want any part of if you’re a guy.

Next thing you know Joshua and his leg tattoo come walking down the stairs. Tenley is into it, as is Clare. Ashley I. immediately takes Joshua aside and tells him he should invite Lauren on the date, always a bad move. Lauren is not Joshua’s speed though, which is parked.

JJ let’s us know that he really doesn’t like Joshua which reads as he’s threatened by his arrival, he has the date card and he could ask Tenley out, which of course he does.

In one of many great sound bites from JJ this episode, he says that “giving Josh the date card is like giving the nuclear codes to an insane asylum, it doesn’t end well,” and, “giving Josh the date card is like putting a grenade in a dude with no arms’ mouth.”

Lauren starts crying that Joshua didn’t ask her and says, “I don’t know why the world is so awful to me.” The I. sisters take being victims to a whole new level.

Then we see Lauren dragging her luggage across the sand for some inexplicable reason, while Ashley I. watches her leave, crying hysterically from an upper balcony.

That night, while everyone is chilling at the villa, Dinosaur Joe from Kaitlyn’s season arrives. The “single” girls are all excited, but not for long. On the main franchise of The Bachelor, people’s full personalities are often hidden, but in Paradise they are free to be their awful selves. It’s what makes this show and it’s Lord of the Flies vibe so great.

Clare is immediately all over him, describing his arrival as “very, very refreshing,” which is a very Clare thing to say. She’s such an idiot. She then laughs a little too loudly as Joe mis-pronounces mañana when reading his date card.

Clare is in her intense “notice me,” trying-too-hard mode, saying that on paper Joe seems like the perfect guy for her, he’s a “very funny, awesome, cool guy.” So many daddy issues. Clare is here for love and she will find it, beat it over the head and drag it into her cave to hold it hostage forever if she has to.

There are now seven girls and nine guys, so two guys will be going home this week.

Joe immediately starts behaving like the psychotic weirdo he is, making everything awkward and having a go at Clare – the person who was the most into him, bringing up in front of everyone that this is not Clare’s “first rodeo.” This of course causes extremely emotionally fragile Clare to start crying.

The whole bit with Clare supposedly talking to the raccoon when she’s talking to a producer outside is really dumb. Please make it stop.

Joe asks the small group he’s talking to who wants to go horseback riding and Juelia puts up her hand. I guess she’s not that into little Jonathan after all. Then Joe pretends he didn’t ask her for real so everyone is confused.

Juelia is rocking some puka shell double-strand headband situation. She needs a lesson with her mascara too. Poor Juelia though, this is not her week.

Josh and Tenley go on their date into town. They make a perfect daggy couple, they have no style and they’re both huge dorks. Joshua tells Tenley about how he did drama in high school and then in college, the exact kind of information you should keep secret on a first date.

There’s also talk about how Tenley worked for Tokyo Disney and Josh makes a comment about it being Chinese. They both laugh and do another shot of cheap tequila.

Then Tenley starts checking out Joshua’s huge hands and tells him that his hands are “amazing.” Cringe. Joshua also has zero personality, but this is not discussed.

Tenley is already talking about having a future with him forever, I think this is a symptom of being really into Disney princesses, which she is.

There are more tequila shots, really bad dancing and making out, all to JJ’s voice over about how Josh has no shot with Tenley. JJ hasn’t and never will learn that his cockiness is always mis-placed. Josh makes some weird comments on the dance floor, as if he might be on drugs. More on that later.

When they get back to the villa from their date, a drunk JJ drags Tenley off and lays a kiss on her. Tenley is so unused to all this attention she forgets to push him off her, giggling like a school girl.

After JJ goes to bed, Tenley is spotted making out with Joshua again, this is the first “scandalous” behavior of the season so far and I say good for her. Keep your options open, girl.

The next day we are back to Juelia and her story – she’s a single mom who’s made the very difficult choice to leave her daughter to hopefully find love. It’s hard not to judge her choices at this point.

Jonathan clocks Joe as using Juelia to get a rose so he can stay around. He’s right, but no match for the game Joe’s running.

In my favorite sub-plot of the night, Joshua, in a sad attempt to sound cool and impress people, tells a story about taking the drug “molly,” AKA ecstasy, one time in Vegas and tells Jared and Ashley I. about a place in LA that sells coconuts with Molly in them. Um, where exactly is this place? Asking for a friend. It’s edited in a way to make it sound like Josh is reeeeaaally into taking Molly and getting his party on. I don’t buy it. He’s taken it a few times, tops.

Ashley I. says in her interview that Joshua is talking about drugs and molly which is a “weird hallucinogen which makes you all high and dancey.” It’s clear that none of these people have ever taken Molly, or maybe any drug, in their dull lives.

Mikey T. takes it upon himself to tell Tenley about Josh’s drug use because he is the self-anointed “Right Reasons Police.” Tenley, being the simpleton she is, is all freaked out now, thinking she’s repeating her “pattern” again with choosing the wrong guy and starts to spiral. No one can cope with anythings on this goddamn show!

Cut to Joe and Juelia’s date. Poor Juelia is really hoping to make a genuine connection with Joe who couldn’t be more insincere. Her hopefulness makes me sad when it becomes clear Joe is using her and has ulterior motives.

The next morning JJ hilariously continues to claim, “I’m not jealous at all,” when he’s clearly extremely jealous, continuing to talk a lot of shit about Joshua and where he’s from, which is Idaho, so that part is understandable. I’m starting to come around on JJ, he’s pretty entertaining.

Tenley confronts Joshua about his “lifestyle,” Joshua of course has a perfectly reasonable explanation about a bachelor party and trying molly one time and not being super into it. So glad that is all cleared up and Joshua’s not a molly addict after all.

Carly, for all her other faults, is the only one with kind of a sense of humor, I have to give her that. She’s quick to pick up on Joe’s not-into-Juelia vibe, too.

Next up is Mikey and Clare’s dramatic break up. Dan Cox tries to tell Mikey that he heard from a couple of the girls that Clare’s not feeling him. Mikey won’t believe it though, it doesn’t compute in his steroided-out brain.

They were only dating in Mikey’s head and the humiliation of rejection is more than meathead Mikey’s ego can take. He acts like a bitch for the next few days, being a dick to Clare, which sends her off the deep end again.

That night, Juelia delivers the, “I’m just not that into you” speech to Jonathan, basically telling him that she doesn’t feel romantic vibes towards him. Juelia’s hair is looking particularly ratchet, like JBF hair.

Joe is caught off camera talking to one of the producers about Juelia saying, “she’s not that smart is she?” He also reveals his true intentions – to meet and hook up with Samantha when she arrives – and displays more of his vile behavior including letting a huge fart rip. Joe is pretty base.

Poor Juelia is a really bad judge of character and has no real intuition. Joe has clearly avoided her since they got back from their date where he was all over her. This is a classic example of how people can read into things that aren’t there because they want to believe.

Meanwhile the Clare/Ashley I./Jared love triangle continues to bloom with Clare trying to figure out how she can maneuver her way into his sights and Ashley I. saying that Jared is her dream man and is literally everything that she’s ever wanted in a guy. Jared, the restaurant manager from Rhode Island with sharp features and gross, patchy facial hair, not much personality and that accent, who’s possibly still in love with Kaitlyn. Seriously? This proves my theory that hook-ups on vacation are never choices you’d consider in real life.

Around the beach bonfire that night Clare and Jared are getting cozy. When Jared asks Clare on his date she is over excited and Ashely I. begins to immediately unravel because she can’t handle rejection at all. The production psychologist really has her hands full here.

Delusional Mikey is sulking that his bro has swooped in to ask his girl Clare out, telling Jared that if he wants to date a girl that’s eight years older than him that’s his prerogative. All the age shaming of the women on this show is extremely weird and gross.

Mikey thinks because he’s been unsuccessfully pursuing Clare from the get-go, that he has some rights to her and no one else is allowed to come near her because he’s a big, dumb meathead. He adds that where he’s from, in real life if that had happened in front of his face he would’ve beat the shit out of Jared. ‘Roid talk.

Kirk says that Mikey’s wedding vision board is ruined now. Hahahahahahaha. Kirk is the ginge who’s coupled-up with Carly, in case you’d forgotten.

The next morning Clare and Jared go on their sailing date and she uses all her favorite adjectives like “amazing” and “gorgeous.” Clare is a wealth of basic phrases and Instagram hashtags.

  Meanwhile, back at the villa, Ashley I. is talking shit about Clare, calling her a “massive cougar.”

Mikey continues to be a bitch and shit talk about Clare, he just can’t believe she wasn’t into him. Also, he has his hair in a little pony tail on top of his head and he’s wondering what happened??

Clare and Jared are at the bungee jump portion of their date where Clare screams nonstop like an idiot. Jared kissed her before they jumped though, so now she’s in love and planning their wedding.

Mispronunciation alert: Ashley S. says that she saw Juelia when she got back from her date and she was just so “mitten.”

Joshua has his shirt off to reveal all his horrendous tattoos. The molly was going to be a deal breaker for Tenley but those tatts aren’t?!?

Ashely I. cries some more when Clare returns from her date, bragging in typical Clare fashion about how awesome it was.

 

Michael G. shows up to add to the already large pool of guys. He reveals he has his sights set on Tenley, saying, “Her name might be Tenley but to me she’s an elevenly.” He immediately asks her on his date.

All the guys are threatened by Michael G., mostly because he has a college education and an actual career, which they’ve heard chicks are into.

In a desperate move, Mikey makes a slightly rape-y play for Juelia, trying to force a kiss on her on the beach with she’s so not into. Mikey can’t read situations, has no game and should just go home, he sucks.

Michael G. and Tenley’s date is a table set up in shallow water so they have to take their shoes off and have their feet wet throughout their entire dinner which sounds horrendous. This is followed by a 100 person Mariachi band, pretty much my worst nightmare.

Clare, who buys buys all her accessories at her namesake “Claire’s,” is getting dumped again, this time by Jared who is just not that into her, or apparently their 8 year age difference. Jared is a huge wuss and goes running straight to crazy, Ashley I., who he’s also not that into.

It’s the night of the Rose ceremony and Mikey T uses the term, “power couples, ” when surveying the scene. He’s referring to boring, coupled-up Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S. and Dan Cox.

Jonathan, in a red pants and vest combo, tells Juelia that Joe isn’t there for the right reasons. She’s skeptical though until Mikey, The Right Reasons Police, says the same thing to her.

Joe continues to play Juelia really hard, kissing her and pretending that he’s into her, assuaging her fears. Then a few minutes later he’s caught on camera talking to a producer about how he wants to beat up Jonathan and Mikey. Joe’s deranged anger issues are now on full display.

After a man-to-man talk with Mikey, Joe tells the producer that he made Mikey has bitch. He then goes and does the same thing to Jonathan, who ends up having a full breakdown in the bathroom, with psycho Joe comforting him. Joe is shaping up to be the best villain we’ve seen on this franchise so far.

Jared comes back to Ashley I. after breaking up with Clare and tells her he wants to get to know her better then they kiss, afterwards Ashley telling him, “you do that just as well as you did with Kaitlyn.” This bitch really knows how to ruin a moment. They kiss again and she tells him, “good job.” It’s now clear how she’s still a virgin at 26.

Clare is starting to unravel for real now, she gives everyone one of her epic speeches while breaking down. She’s an epic attention seeker but even Jade’s not buying it and calls her out. Clare replies with the most Clare response of, “if the shoe fits wear it.” Nobody knows what the hell she means.

Tenley, faced with three suitors this week, gives her rose to Joshua, affirming for him his decision to get all those awful tattoos. Michael G. can’t believe it and frankly, neither can JJ. They both feel like they’re in some bizarro world. As JJ said, the princess in the Disney movie doesn’t go off with the blacksmith.

Clare’s voice over continues over the whole rose ceremony, with her talking about not knowing what to do with her rose seeing as she has no romantic connection with anyone, then all of a sudden she abruptly leaves the group and goes outside in tears, Chris Harrison in tow.

Chris Harrison tells Clare to pull her self together.

TO BE CONTINUED!