Rose Before Bros

We pick up where we left off with Clare having a meltdown outside during the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison consoling/telling her to get her shit together. I just heard that Chris Harrsion gets paid $100,000 per episode to do this. Let that sink in. I also feel like he knows Clare is ripe for the picking, should he so desire.

Clare is a huge attention seeker. She’s crying because Jared dumped her and now she doesn’t know who to give her rose to. She should give it to herself and then make an inspirational Instagram post about how loving yourself first is so important.

Side note: Clare blocked me on Instagram a while ago.

The guys, mostly Tanner, are nervous that Clare is going to bounce before she gives out a rose, which Tanner proclaims would be a “bitch move.” Tanner is shaping up to be such a tool. 

Why isn’t somebody giving Claire a Xanax is my question? 

Chris Harrison tells Clare that she’s only been there for two weeks and she hasn’t really given it a chance yet. Good point. Clare says that she doesn’t quit things easily – third time with this franchise is a charm – and re-joins the rose ceremony.

Cutaway to Ashley I. who is of course reveling in Clare’s fake meltdown saying that, at 34-years-old, she probably feels pathetic being there. It’s hard to comprehend how this chick thinks she’s in a position to throw shade at anyone. But then again, that’s what makes her so great.

Ashley I. gives her a rose to Jared, further twisting the knife into Clare’s side. Clare chooses JJ, which is a good choice for her.

Poor Juelia gets up and gives her a rose to actual hillbilly sociopath Joe, saying that she thinks that what she and Joe have is real. Real BS. 

Mikey T., Jonathan and Michael G. all go home with Mikey, the big dumb dumb, feeling very confused about what just happened. Tenley really blew it by choosing Joshua over Michael, her picker is clearly broken.

In their respective interviews, Juelia talks some more about how she believes Joe is being totally honest and is there for her while Joe says he just need to survive tonight’s rose ceremony to see if Samantha arrives, also coining the phrase, “rose before bros,” referring to his manipulation of Jonathan and Mikey T.

Everything about Juelia is sad – her manky hair, her sad story which includes a husband who committed suicide, leaving her a single mother of a toddler, her thinking this show was a good place to find a new husband, her desperation, the way Joe is blatantly playing her and her lack of intuition.

The first new arrival the next day is of course, Samantha. She tells Chris Harrison that she thinks Joe is cute that she usually goes for bad boys so she’s staying away from that now. Not for long though!

All these chicks claim they’re “best friends” with each other and in another sad turn of events, Juelia says that Samantha and she were best friends on their season of The Bachelor. 

Sam immediately picks Joe for her date without even talking to any of the other girls, which I think should be part of the rules – you don’t get to find out who’s into who, you just pick blind.

Joe lies about having talked to Samantha before the show when Jared asks him, which will fuel the drama for the next three hours of television.

Joe and Samantha walk up to the group, including Juelia, ready for their date, holding hands which is pretty fucked up and says a lot about these gross people. Sam has been filled in by Joe that he had been hanging out with Juelia prior to her arriving so it’s not like she didn’t know, although Joe plays his part in it down like the true asshole he is.

Juelia, rightly so, feels disrespected and her feelings are hurt. The problem is she never stops talking about it and just makes things worse for herself. Here’s the part where you suck it up, realize you badly misjudged someone and they weren’t actually worth your time and hold your head high, look around, and find someone else to flirt with. Move on.

Joe and Sam’s date is a lame photo shoot with the executive editor of People magazine about hot bodies or something. So gimmicky, so lame, so photoshopped.

Joe makes some jokes about his “dad bod” and there’s lots of not sexy poses that are meant to be sexy. Note to the editors of People magazine, there’s nothing sexy about something trying to be overtly sexy.

Juelia says “awkward” the way an 8-year-old does when Joe and Samantha return from their date, Samantha holding a bouquet of roses. Juelia has been on exactly one date with Joe and is acting like he broke up with her after months for another girl. 

Jared tells Joe he needs to talk to Juelia and Joe says he doesn’t want to have to stop his post-amazing first date glow to talk to some “Debbie downer.” He’s a piece of work, telling Jared that maybe he’s trying to “vill.” Yes, you heard it right, he used the the abbreviated vill from villain as a verb as coined by Clint when he said “villains gonna vill,” on The Bachelorette.

Joe says he doesn’t get what the big deal is if he was playing Juelia or not to get a rose because, “this isn’t church camp.” He goes and talks to Juelia but is a complete dick and offers no apology because he’s completely devoid of compassion.

Yet another dumb anthropomorphism bit with Clare and that raccoon some animal wrangler’s had to bring down especially. What is funny about this? Please, someone tell me.

Cut to Jade and Carly talking about the sexual chemistry they have with their guys and Carly expressing her want to sex Kirk, telling Jade that she’s super horny for him. Gross.

Kirk says that he knows Carly wants to sleep with him but he doesn’t know if he’s ready yet, he’s just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want to move too fast. I’m okay with this. You do you, Kirk.

Ashley S. says she’s falling in love with Dan Cox, which means they’ll be breaking up soon. Ashley S. is fascinating to me, I want to know what is going on with her. She says she’s totally smitten and that marriage is on the table. Huh?

Cut to Dan Cox chatting with Jade, telling her that a couple of nights ago Ashley was emotional and acting out of character and he found it very taxing and has a low tolerance for that kind of thing. Well yeah buddy, all guys do. Girls who can’t handle their alcohol are super annoying/scary.

Dan says that he wants to keep his options open now. Everyone should be doing this! Later he talks to Ashley S. and tries to put the breaks on their relationship, which Ash doesn’t take very well. There’s never any easy way to deliver rejection to someone who’s really into you.

Carly and Kirk are on their date when she tells him that her brother got married today and that she had missed his wedding to be in paradise. Sounds normal.

Kirk decides to push away his fears and embrace his feelings for Carly as some cheap Mexican fireworks explode overhead. The cool thing about Paradise is that the budget can afford for everyone to get fireworks on their dates.

Kirk does a total 360 and suggests he and Carly get a hotel room for the night, they go to the hotel reception and Kirk asks for “one fantasy suite.” So corny.

Another new cast member, Megan from Chris’ season, arrives that evening wearing some Sombrero that she bought in town when she was “lost.” These side-plots are so stupid. No, you weren’t lost, you had a camera crew following you around.

Dan Cox is all over Megan immediately, revealing in an interview that Megan was one of the people he was interested in meeting here, and busts out and unfunny joke to impress her. Dan Cox is as dull as dishwater.

Kirk says his night with Carly was “super sexy, hot, on fire!” He then said Carly blew him away and that she’s “like a pinball machine.” What does that even mean?!? 

It’s the morning and Megan has to decide between Dan Cox and JJ for her date. She wakes up sleeping JJ to ask him and he accepts. All I can think of is JJ’s morning breath.

Megan announces that she’s a “southern belle” and will only accept exactly what she deserves. This is a huge red flag, like someone telling Facebook they’re “done with negativity.” Uh huh. She also says that every one of her boyfriends has cheated on her so she’s not looking for another douchebag. Also a red flag.

Ashley S. says some weird stuff about her chakras all being in line and that she’ll fight for Dan Cox. I don’t want to make jokes about her mental health because that’s no joke, but is she off her meds? 

The rest of the show is consumed with people starting to wonder whether Joe and Sam had something going on before Paradise. It comes to light that Joe showed Tanner a text message from Sam while he was there and it’s obvious Sam and Joe were planning their rendezvous all along.

Juelia still can’t come to grips with the fact that Joe is a liar.

Meanwhile there is a lot of gross, sexual, making out going on in the hot tub with Joe and Samantha. I’m so grossed out by these two I can barely watch. Also, I would never get in that hot tub again if I was the other cast members.

Joe thinks everybody’s being “little bitches,” worrying about what he’s up to and whether he’s played Juelia or not. Now that Mikey’s left, Dan Cox has stepped into the role of Right Reasons Police and he’s going to sort Joe out. 

Dan Cox decides to confront Joe and make him talk to Juelia. No one seems to get that Joe couldn’t give less fucks about the situation with Juelia. And to be honest, I’m kind of over it too. The girl got played. Was it nice? No. But this is a GAME SHOW and that’s what happens. Have other people given one person a rose one week then turned their attentions to someone else the next? Totally. Is Juelia a huge victim that won’t shut up? Yes.

Juelia tells Joe that she’s going to tell Samantha what went down, at which point Joe starts to squirm and tries hard to dig up an apology for her but can’t quite do it. He’s worried about the potential of losing the chance to sex the hottest girl he’ll ever get to.

Samantha, Juelia and Jade all go and sit down to talk and fill Samantha in on what happened between Juelia and Joe, Juelia pretending that she’s telling Sam what happened with Joe because she doesn’t want the same thing to happen to her, which is a bit disingenuous. She’s jealous and wants Sam to know that Joe’s a dick because she doesn’t want Joe and Sam to be together, which is fair enough. I’d want to ruin Joe’s game too. 

Samantha doesn’t want to hear it though, she’s not interested in how Juelia feels or that she feels wronged by Joe because she’s on “cloud nine.” She says that Joe should be there to defend himself. This bitch. At this point I’d get up and walk away and let them have each other. Joe and Samantha are the same person and they deserve each other.

Like Joe is about rose before bros, Sammy is about bros before hoes. 

What feels like two weeks later and we are still talking about Joe’s scheme, except now it’s Tanner and Jared deciding to take matters into their own hands and let everyone know that Samantha was in on the scheming as well. 

Joe and Samantha try to have a private conversation to get their story straight before Joe goes into his interview, somehow forgetting that they’re mic’d up. Sam coaching Joe what to say based on what she’s told the producers. Then Sam realizes that she’s left the door open and closes it on the camera, but it’s too late by this point, we’ve heard everything! 

The last arrival is Amber from Chris’s season, and ironically, Ashley S. seems particularly happy to see her. Not for long though when Amber picks Dan Cox, of course, for her date.

JJ and Megan go on their date. JJ says that he is stoked to be there with Megan even though they’re “different intellectually,” every time he looks at her he thinks she’s gorgeous and he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes as well as her “other assets.” JJ is now my favorite guy by a mile.

Amber admits that she’s had a crush on Dan Cox since she saw him on Desiree’s season. Ash is in tears as they leave on their date, feeling discarded and hurt. Some of the other cast members start alluding to Ashley S. being a bit nuts again, after thinking she seemed normal at first.

Amber is too cute and has too much personality for Dan Cox but they have a make out session after dinner anyway. 

That night, Tanner, JJ and Jared try to gang up on Joe again and make him admit what he was up to. They’re obsessed with calling him out. I mean I get it, Joe is super arrogant and thinks he’s pulled one over on everyone, but these guys are a bit too into it.

Joe ends up telling Jared to “shut the fuck up” and things get heated with JJ calling out to Joe, who’s down on the beach now, “let’s go!” JJ then says he’s “going to make him look like the hillbilly he is because he’s gong to go home with about four missing fucking teeth.” I love JJ.

TO BE CONTINUED….