Trouble in Dramadise

We pick up right where we left off last week, with JJ taunting Joe. I think JJ wants Joe to punch him so he’ll get kicked off the show but Jared, in typical Jared fashion, tells JJ to back off. 

Joe then throws Samantha under the bus in an interview, saying that she was complicit in the whole plan as well and knew what Joe was going to do to get a rose. Let those true colors fly, bro.

JJ tells Juelia he’s considering giving her his rose so she can stick around but she says no, that she would rather he took a chance on love even though she really, really appreciates it. She really does want that rose though, I bet.

Juelia is hysterically crying some more because it’s her last night, telling the audience how she knows what a great wife she’ll make and what a great catch she is. Anyone who says this out loud during a breakdown is not okay. Where is the on-set therapist??

Samantha tells Joe she’s done hearing about the drama between him and Juelia and that she doesn’t think the “connection” Juelia and Joe supposedly had was much of a connection anyway, she wants to squash it because she’s not about drama and she just wants to enjoy herself. Sam is all about Sam and she loooooooves the word “drama.”

It’s rose ceremony time with ten girls and seven guys. Let’s see who’s bouncing.

Juelia continues to be a victim, saying that she gave her rose to the wrong guy last time so now she’ll be going home. Yeah, that’s how this game show works! I mean I feel bad that she wasted her time with a loser but that happens in real life as well. Learn from your mistakes, girl. Maybe figure out how you were so easily fooled and work on that instead?

Joe confesses to the group that he had reached out to Samantha on Instagram and they had had some small talk, but that’s it. Tanner reacts to this, saying that he’s not telling the whole truth about the extent of the contact, confronting Sam and basically calling her out without saying he seen the text message she sent to Joe, telling her that he thinks she’s lying. Sam has a great poker face and maintains her side of the story. But also like, so what?

Ashley I. continues to be obsessed with Jared’s bone structure that she thinks for some reason is amazing? She and Jared have another awkward interaction where they say nothing then Jared kisses her. This isn’t going to end well.

JJ feels like he has to pick between Megan and Juelia for the rose. 

In a very produced moment, Juelia goes and finds Chris Harrison to talk to him about finding a way for herself to stay that doesn’t include someone giving her a sympathy rose. She asks him if there’s any way they can bring back Mikey T., desperate move. This is really grasping at straws, and does Mikey T. really want to be sloppy seconds? You bet he does!
Juelia is such a sad sack, wet rag she cannot stop talking about what has happened to her. She gave her a rose to the wrong guy she just needs to deal with it. Like let’s be real, more of have given more than just a rose to the wrong guy before. 

In the big upset of the night, JJ gives his rose not to Megan, not to Juelia but to Ashley S., who we have never even seen him have a conversation with. JJ justifies his decision by saying that Juelia told him not to give her his rose and he obviously wasn’t feeling it enough with Megan so he decided to save Ashley S. 

Then JJ gives everyone a speech about how he broke up with someone to come here and every day is reminded of how what he left behind is what he’s looking for and that he’s leaving paradise. I’m so bummed because he’s by far the most entertaining person on the show.

In an emotional interview, JJ says he hopes people learned that he’s multidimensional and basically that he’s just an awesome guy. Also, that he did the right thing by everyone and stayed true to himself and that he found himself on the show.

Captain Save-a-Hoe, Dan, asks Chris Harrison if he can talk to Carly before handing out his rose. For some reason everyone, including Dan, thinks Dan should give his rose to Juelia instead of a girl he might actually be into – Amber, who is hot and maybe a match for him personality-wise. 

Dan gives his rose to sexy Amber, and I’m temporarily relieved we no longer have to see Juelia’s sad face anymore.

On her way out, Clare says if they had just chosen her for The Bachelorette, she would’ve found husband by now. Clare claims that this is her retirement from Bachelor in Paradise. Do we believe her? Sad to see Clare go, to be honest.

Joe couldn’t be happier that Juelia is leaving but because people want a happy ending, as Juelia is leaving a car pulls up with Mikey T. in it and they are reunited. These two could actually be perfect for each other.

Joe is super annoyed that Juelia gets to stay, which is great. Joe says that he’s very happy that Juelia is back and then, when asked why he doesn’t look happy says, “my face never looks happy.” He’s having to really try to control his anger reflex right now.

After the rose ceremony, Tanner gets a date card and asks his TV girlfriend, Jade to go with him. These two are the Marcus and Lacey of this season, so boring. 

They take off in a private plane, where for some reason Jade is popping the champagne for Tanner instead of the other was around.

After a flight and a car ride they end up in the town of Tequila where they do some boring tequila-related stuff. So not worth all the travel.

Meanwhile back at the villa, Joe is totally smitten with Sam, who is clearly way out of his league.

Nick from Ashley’s season and Bachelor Pad season 3 arrives and announces to Chris Harrison that he’s interested in meeting Samantha. Of course he is. I think we’re all starting to see how this show works. Nick looks like a cast member from Survivor.

Nick announces that he doesn’t have a problem stealing someone’s woman, saying that he and Samantha, who he describes as a “smoke show,”  had spoken about paradise and that they were both looking forward to spending time with each other. The plot thickens.

Nick asks Sam on his date and they go to have a chat away from the group about it. Joe tries to play it cool but you can tell that he wants to smash something so badly.

Nick and Sam rejoin the group where she gives him her answer that, no she won’t go on the date with him. Nick is shocked. 

Mikey T. and his hypotheses are back and he says that he thinks Sam wants to go out with Nick but is staying with Joe out of guilt because she’s backed herself into a corner at this point. I might agree with him. 

After being filled in on the Joe-Sam-Juelia situation, Nick asks Ashley S. on his date. This should be interesting. 

When their boat ride to a nearby island is canceled due to a hurricane off the coast, Nick and Ashley S. decide to settle in and start drinking. Sounds like a plan. A very bad plan, considering Ashley S. is much more unstable-seeming on alcohol. 

Back to the show’s most boring couple, Tanner and Jade. Tanner says he’s falling for Jade and can’t imagine spending a day without her. They have a key for a room to spend some extra “alone time” together. Tanner is excited to take their relationship to the next level, get closer and just have a nice romantic night. Snore.

For some reason Nick and Ashley S. decide to do multiple, back-to-back shots of tequila. I’m so worried about the way Ashley S. is when she’s drunk that I can almost can’t watch this. I also feel like the producers are really mean and irresponsible for this segment, knowing what would transpire.

After a couples tequila massage, Ashley S. has that dead look in her eyes she gets when she’s had a few drinks. 

Then in the worst bit to top all worst bits, Ashley S. is massaging Nick and laughing to herself, intercut with a crow in a tree squawking and some text on the screen as if the bird is telling her to, “oil up the fruits,”  “touch the fruits,”  “grab a handful,” “look he’s right for the picking,” and “eat the fruit,” intercut with shots of Nick’s crotch.

 

Nick says that he likes Ashley S. and thinks she’s hot but she’s also a little “out there,” and he’s not quite sure what to make of her yet. I’m cringing.

The massage turns into standing up and making out. Then they get in a hot tub and pop some more champagne. By this point Ashley is hammered so they interview her and she of course makes no sense and looks crazy, when really she’s just had too much to drink. This is awful.

I find this whole scene so uncomfortable to watch, and really exploitative, with Ashley so drunk in the hot tub she can barely keep herself upright and trying to make another toast before yet another tequila shot which doesn’t make sense.

Sitting on the edge of their bed in their “alone time” suite, Tanner tells Jade he’s ready to be Facebook official, saying, “I’m falling for you, Jade, and I want to call you my girlfriend.” So high school. 

It’s the next morning and Joe and Sam are talking on a daybed, Joe’s saying he knows Sam is out of his league and that a girl like that doesn’t end up with a guy like him, his insecurity is really attractive.

He asks her if there’s anyone else there that she wants to go on a date with and she says no when she’s secretly kicking herself for turning Nick down.

Joe keeps badgering Sam, asking her if there’s anything she wants to tell him and saying that he feels like she’s a little bit different today. This is the actual worst thing you can do when you feel someone’s a bit distant you’ve just started hanging out with. Joe is needy though and can’t help himself.

And then Samantha, feeling a bit suffocated by Joe, starts to backtrack away from him. He follows her to her room and asks her again what’s wrong and she says that she’s finding it hard that everyone’s making him out to be not a good guy and she’s confused.

This is the part where Joe gets a taste of his own medicine and it’s so great.

Cut to the next day and Jared is in the pool talking to Joshua and Mikey about his feelings for Ashley I., which he admits are not really there. He knows it’s time to break things off with her.

Ashley I. is getting ready over her SUITCASE of makeup, talking about how she thinks she and Jared are going to be having a little “at home date tonight.” Little does she know.

Jared tells Ashely I. that he wants her to “explore paradise” including exploring things with other guys, to which she tells him, “that’s not going to happen.” You can’t get rid of a girl like Ashley I. that easily.

At least Jared is doing the decent thing by not leading her on just to get a rose I guess.

Ashley I., by this point, is crying and Jared says that he thinks part of the reason he can’t get into it with her is because he still has feelings for Kaitlyn. Ugh, get over it already, dude.

Jared walks away leaving Ashley I. bawling on a daybed. Then she’s in an interview, where the crying is more intense and her words are incomprehensible, mascara is everywhere. I listened to one part about 18 times and deciphered that she’s saying, “I’m going to be alone forever because every guy I like doesn’t like me back.” I mean, yeah.

Ashley I. then calls Kaitlyn and says, “what the fuck did you do to Jared!? He’s OBSESSED with you.” Girl, he’s just trying to let you down easy.

It’s a new day in paradise and looks like we’ve missed some action which is recapped for us. I’ll recap the recap: Joe had planned a birthday celebration for himself and Samantha but Samantha had broken up with him before he’d even cut the cake. 

Joe is now reeling from what has just happened considering she was the one that told him to do whatever it took to get a rose and stick around until she arrived. Samantha is now being villainized for dating someone and then deciding she wasn’t that into it and wanted to date other guys, which is totally normal. Is she a nice person, debatable. Does playing the game make you a bad person, not in my book. 

Ashley I. sits down with Joe to commiserate about their sad situations. Joe seems pretty nonplussed by Ashley’s emotions and tells her that he’s sorry he’s not a very emotional guy. Joe is a huge weirdo in general.

Somehow, in this weird other universe that is Paradise, Ashley I. has convinced herself that Jared is God’s gift to women and she’ll never get over him and will compare every other guy she ever meets to him. It’s insanity.

Mikey T. gets the date card and hits up Juelia, she’s all over it. Everyone cheers because, Juelia.

Mikey spends the rest of the morning hair spraying his hair.

In an ironically strange turn of events Joe is now being framed as the victim of Sam. He can’t take the rejection and is emotionally a child so he lashes out, threatening to show everyone the text messages she sent him before she arrived. Sam did her best to let Joe down gently but he’s so emotionally unstable things didn’t quite go as Sam wanted. 

Kirk and Carly do some sunset fishing which she seems really excited about, despite the fact she can barely cast a rod. These dorks seem compatible. I wonder if Carly’s overuse of the word “freaking” will be less endearing once they leave paradise? 

Juelia and Mikey land in Guadalajara and instead of one of many romantic clichés, they go to watch some Mexican wrestling, the opposite of sexy or romantic. This is a fun date if you’re a 10-year-old boy but Mikey announces that it was such a great date it can’t be topped. What are the odds Mikey would be a wrestling fan?

They open their fantasy suite envelope which honestly seems a little bit soon, I mean this is their first date and are we even sure Mikey’s not a virgin? I can’t imagine anyone sexing him.

Juelia asked him if he would be uncomfortable sharing a room and he replies, “no because I’m a man,” because he thinks that’s what he should say. Juelia is so desperate she’s okay with hooking up with this meathead man-child on the first date.

They choose to spend the night together in a room which Juelia announces is amazing but in reality is anything but.

The next morning Juelia does her interview with actual JBF hair. The couple say they kept it classy, though.

Back at the villa, Ashley I. still hasn’t fixed her one acrylic nail that’s been off for the last two weeks. This is clearly why Jared really broke up with her. Fix yo nail, girl!

Joe has stooped to getting dating advice from Ashley I., which is how you know things are really bad. He tries out the technique she suggested but falls flat with Sam, more humiliation sandwich for Joe. 

In walks Justin and his big lips from Kaitlyn’s season, Joe’s buddy. He predictably hits on Sam whom he describes as a “great conversator” and asks her on his date.

Joe has a tantrum over-and-over again about how he should never pick the prettiest girl to go after and is generally feeling sorry for himself, just like a big baby. I think his days are numbered, as in one.