It’s Raining Drama

It’s raining in paradise, a bad omen indeed.

Joe is very upset that Sam has been asked out by Justin and has said yes, calling it, “the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life,” “I think it’s stupid, I think it’s dumb, I think it’s immature and it’s not fair, it’s not fair to Joe.” Yes, he talks about himself in the third person which is insane.

We are now witnessing the Joe sob story, he can’t seem to understand that Samantha may have played him just like he played that other annoying girl, pretending to be more into Joe than she actually was. She’s fickle but that doesn’t make her evil.

The vilification of Sam is a slow burn this week which reaches boiling point by the end. And what’s the big deal anyway? She hung out with Joe for a couple of days and now she might go on a date with another guy. Sam has options so why shouldn’t she? 

Tanner proclaims, “Samantha’s like a juggler but instead of juggling balls she’s juggles men.” Guys cannot deal with women who behave like men in the dating arena, it’s just not allowed.

Ashley I. wants to be like Sam so bad. 

Sam tells Joe she doesn’t actually want to go on the date with Justin, which makes it hard to understand her agenda here, and Joe wets himself with excitement. That was a close call and now he needs to find a way to lock Sam in a dungeon and keep her safe.

Everyone keeps referring to Sam as a “master manipulator.” I mean, she has a really pretty hair but I don’t think she’s a “master” at anything. Also, my theory about girls with really pretty hair is that it makes them seem more like a 10 when they’re really a 7. 

After Sam tells Justin that she doesn’t want to go on a date with him because it wouldn’t be fair to him if she’s thinking about Joe, he makes a beeline over to Amber and hits her up. Amber wants to be a girl with a lot of options, and she should be, but she’s just not.

Justin needs a tan bad.

Five-time Bachelor franchise alum, Chris Bukowski, arrives and he’s still “28.” Did they really need to bring this idiot back? Don’t we have enough already?

Justin and Amber are on their low-budget date in downtown Sayulita when they stumble upon a flash-mob salsa-dancing-scenario in a bar and Amber announces that she “loves dancing!” I would be so bummed if I got this date and not the boat date.

Amber removes Justin’s shirt revealing a very tragic sunburn he must’ve got that morning. Later, Amber and Justin make out in the ocean but afterwards Amber says she’s confused because she’s very attracted to Dan as well and starts crying, thinking she’s made a mistake by making out with Justin. These are the options she wanted but she’s not a Sam, she has real emotions.

Meanwhile back at Paradise HQ, new arrival Chris, who has been drinking since 9:30 am and still hasn’t asked anyone on his date yet proclaims that, “when the sun goes down that’s when Bukowski comes out.” Can’t wait.

When Amber comes back from her date with Justin, she takes Dan Cox down to the beach to tell him that she thinks she has feelings for him. He responds by telling her that he doesn’t think the connection is there for him, Amber looks crushed.

Amber thinks she blew it and shouldn’t have gone on the date with Justin. Girls always do this, blame themselves. Dan Cox admits has eyes for Sam, Amber was just a distraction.

Around the bonfire later, Chris asks Tenley out after he’s had 120 drinks and she declines the offer, saying she’d only accept if it were strictly as friends. Drunk Chris gets the message and has a big sulk. This was an unnecessary side show.

Joshua the welder asks Chris for his date card which is the only smart thing Joshua’s ever thought of and he and Tenley go to Guadalajara the next day where they purchase daggy postcards and fill them out. 

Afterwards, they eat at a nice restaurant where the food is a little too sophisticated for them. This part was so long and so boring I fell asleep.

Later that evening it’s rose ceremony time and the girls have the “power” this week. That’s all this show is really, a microcosm of power struggles between men and women, men and men, and women and women.

Chris Harrison uses the term “swing roses” to describe roses that are not going to the other half of a couple.

Ashley I., self-proclaimed “natural-born writer,” gives Jared a three page letter that she’s written him about her feelings in her teenager-handwriting which says, among other things, “I think you’re greater than Tom Brady.” Ashley I. is a real idiot but I still love watching her in action.

Amber says that her second choice after Dan was Jared and tells him she’s “intrigued by him,” which is bizarre because he’s such a zero personality but also Amber’s not really a bright spark, so makes sense.

Ashley I. is still talking about how she feels like Jared’s face was designed for her. She’s nowhere near close to letting go, she’s holding on for dear life. She will wear Jared down and force him to like her if it’s the last thing she does.

Amber takes Ashley I. aside to tell her she’s now interested in Jared and his face. Ash can’t cope with this at all, even though Jared’s not that into her, saying that this is the worst experience of her life because, “Jareds don’t come around very often.” 

Dan Cox, who is a bit of a tool, wants to make a move on Sam now. Samantha looks about 42 but he’s under her spell, her pretty, long hair has mesmerized him.

Joe is sitting on the couch saying cringey things to Samantha like how they’re a pretty good team like “Bonnie and Clyde.” Sam seems into Joe still, but that will only last about another 30 minutes.

Dan Cox says that watching Joe and Sam together is “like pouring generic ketchup on filet mignon. It doesn’t work and It’s actually offensive to everyone.” Dan has a plan though, he’s going to talk to Sam and tell her what a “piece of shit” Joe is. 

Juelia has completely turned on her “friend,” Samantha, saying she doesn’t understand what Dan sees in her that she’s totally manipulative and she doesn’t trust her. 

Dan Cox takes Sam down to the beach to “talk for a second” and asks Sam what was so great about her first date with Joe that keeps perpetuating the relationship and she says that it was almost like love at first sight. Sorry, what? Dan goes into total cock-block mode and writes Joe off to Sam, although everything he’s saying is accurate.

Joe feels extremely threatened by Dan Cox’s play and intercepts Samantha away from their conversation so he can give her a kiss and tell her she’s pretty. Basically peeing on her to establish his territory. This is both gross and desperate and illustrates Dan Cox’s point about how insecure and jealous Joe is.

At the rose ceremony Ashley S. is pretty wasted when she gives her a rose to Nick. Ashley I. gives her rose to Jared and he looks so nonplussed but Ash doesn’t seem to notice how not into it he is. Amber’s bummed.

Then Samantha gets up to give her rose and there’s only Joe and Dan Cox left. What will she do? In the biggest upset of the whole season, Samantha gives her rose to Dan Cox, leaving Joe with his dick in his hand, so to speak.

Captain Save-a-Ho, Dan Cox, cold not look more pleased with himself for turning Sam. Mission accomplished.

Some idiots, namely Tanner and Joshua, are trying to vilify Sam because she dumped Joe at the alter, even though they’ve been talking shit about Joe up to this point. It’s so hard to remember who’s done what to whom.

Carly, with her big mouth, says that Sam needs to buck up and accept the blame, instead of heaping it all on Joe. I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. Blame for what? For texting him before the show, pretending to like him more than she maybe did then dumping him? 

Joe wants his pound of flesh from Sam and threatens to show “everyone” their text messages from before she arrived on the show. Like, what’s the big deal? So Sam played some strategy before she got there, so what? Also dipshits, there is no prize here so who cares?!!!! 

Joe thinks that he’s been victimized when in reality all that happened was that Sam decided that maybe he wasn’t a good guy after all and dumped him. She got some late intel and went with that. What was she supposed to do here? I’m Team Sam.

On the limo ride out of paradise, Joe says that if he sees Dan Cox in public there will be an altercation. I mean, he could have done something just now. Joe is a huge pussy, all talk, ending his rant with, “dammit I should’ve fucked her brains out.” Who even says that in 2015?  

Ashley S. comes at Sam in front of the group and wants to know if Dan was one of the guys Sam was texting with before the show started. I think it’s pretty apparent now that Ashley S. has alcohol-related issues and the producers show yet another one of her alcohol-fueled rants during her interview where she talks about how beautiful Sam is, making very little sense. I’m not into this exploitative angle, they should stop.

Tanner tries to say that now Sam is stringing Dan along. Tanner is so annoying. Dan went to Sam, not the other way around, you simpleton.

Sam, at this point, should just come clean about the text messages because they’re inconsequential but she keeps lying but not very well. She ends up running off from the group in tears. She doesn’t understand why everyone hates her. She was a bitch to Juelia over Joe but that’s between her and Juelia. 

Dan Cox says that even if he’s Sam’s “default” he thinks they could still find something pretty special. Everyone wants to be a default, right?

Chelsie, from Juan Pablo’s season, arrives the next morning, wearing all the eye shadow, and is immediately dragged aside by Carly to give her the lowdown Carly-style and let her know who the couples are, including Jared and Ashley I. – who are not actually a couple at all. Carly tries to tell Chelsie she should ask Dan Cox out, scheming to get rid of Sam.

   

Chelsie asks Nick on her date. He is psyched and says he’s glad to get away from Ashley S. Poor Ashley S. 

Nick goes to tell Ashley S. the news about his date with Chelsie and she says something weird about how they went to bed at 6 AM and now it’s the afternoon. Nick tells her she drank a lot last night and that she kind of smells like a brewery which is probably true but pretty mean. 

Mackenzie, from Chris’s season, arrives next and Ashley I. reminds us about her love of aliens. Tanner says he’s not sure if she’s the “sharpest crayon.” This is an understatement.

Chelsie and Nick are on their date, cruising around on some drug dealer’s yacht. Nick always looks like he’s been hitting the booze really hard, is about 46 and bartends in the Keys or the Bahamas and is waiting to hear about a job at Club Med.

After their date, Nick says he didn’t feel a romantic spark with Chelsie and is still holding out hope for Sam which is probably wishful thinking.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, people are doing shots of warm tequila in the middle of the day.

The show frames Mackenzie as being not too bright, playing some ding-dong music while she’s talking about aliens and saying the “down-low” repeatedly when she means the “low-down.” She asks Justin on her date, which bums out Amber, who had just been doing those warm tequila shots with him.

Amber now feels like there’s no one there for her, which is crazy because she’s cute and seems fairly normal so far.

Jaclyn, from Ben’s season, who is “30,” arrives next. Everyone thinks she seems like trouble. She’s “ready to rumble, steal people’s boyfriends and disrupt the peace.” Jaclyn’s not friends with anyone there so doesn’t care about burning any bridges. She seems like a perfect match for my Mikey T., looks-wise.

Mackenzie and Justin head off on their date and her voice is already so annoying. They arrive at a scene that looks like the preparations for an Ayahuasca trip, complete with a priest to perform the ceremony, which turns out to be a “marriage” ceremony.

When they get back to the Villa, Mackenzie tells everyone that they got married and Justin’s worried that she really thinks they’re actually married. She does, but she’s not sure if it’s only in Mexico.

Ashley I. thinks she’s wearing Jared down slowly but surely until she sees Jaclyn talking to him and gets worried that she’s going to steal him away from her. She runs off to find Chris Harrison, who just happens to be lurking about, and asks him for a date card that leads to a fantasy night suite. Apparently there’s different rules for different people on this show.

Jared, who is a wet rag, starts to tell Jaclyn about the letter Ashley I. wrote him and she could obviously not give less fucks, making the observation that you can never trust someone with a belly button ring past the age of 25. Good point. Just when she’s about to ask him on her date, Ashley I. interrupts with her date card.

Jared, almost reluctantly, accepts Ashley I.’s invitation for the overnight date, probably relieved Jaclyn didn’t get a chance to ask him on her date. Jaclyn can’t believe that any guy would want to take somebody’s virginity at this age. I kind of agree.
There’s lots of talk about wether Ashley I. will give her up V. card to Jared with Tanner asking,”what if she just offered it up on a platter?” What does that even mean? Is there another way to offer it? I mean obviously if she’s not offering it it’s not being taken. The show’s obsession with the fact that Ashley I. is a virgin is the creepiest thing.

The show ends with Jared and Ashley I. leaving for their date, even though it already seems like it’s 9 PM. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!