“The Most Dramatic Bachelor Finale Ever”

This episode begins with Chris Harrison announcing that there could be a wedding tonight after the final rose. Neil Lane is in the house, as are both girls’ families and a cheesy wedding arch covered in, you guessed it, red roses.

But first, we go back to Jamaica where Ben, sporting some “edgy” facial hair, will repeat himself over-and-over about how confused he is at being in love with two women for the next two hours.

I get that this whole “being in love with both women” is part of the ruse and thus part of the job but Ben comes across as a real simpleton.

As the audience though, we’re supposed to buy into the whole idea that Ben doesn’t know which person he’s “more in love with” until the last hour. It’s a ridiculous concept. He knows.

Ben’s mom is not impressed that he has told two women he’s in love with them, and that she has to basically lie by omission when she talks to them both.

“It’s really disturbing to me” – Ben’s mom.

Lauren tells Ben’s mom, while they hold hands, that she is ready to get engaged, her hair extensions blowing in the wind. I wonder if Ben has even seen Lauren without those extensions? I feel like this could lead to buyer’s remorse.

JoJo arrives to meet Ben’s parents with a much smaller floral arrangement than Lauren. This is a red flag.

“He’s my best friend” – JoJo to Ben’s dad.

JoJo gets a better edit with Ben’s parents than Lauren did as the producers attempt to manipulate us. We’re onto you.

It’s final date time and Ben is super stressed on his date with Lauren. Lauren suddenly realizes that Ben could be in Love with JoJo as well. Just now.

 

“I prayed a lot over these past few days” – Ben.

They have an emotional goodbye and Lauren is spiralling, in tears, after he leaves.

“Bye, beautiful.” – Ben to Lauren.

I think Lauren was the front runner until the overnight dates where he had a reeeeaaaally good time with JoJo.

Ben is still praying for clarity when he meets JoJo the next day.

“Hi, beautiful.” – Ben to JoJo.

They encounter a local while driving down a jungle road and Ben quickly speeds away.

“Baaaaaaaaabe!” – JoJo to Ben every five minutes.

JoJo asks Ben if everything is good and he tells her that’s a loaded question and she starts to freak out.

“I’ve been scared a few times in my life”  – JoJo.

JoJo seems more aware of the situation she’s in than Lauren.

That night, after talking on the couch and Ben and JoJo close themselves in the bathroom where they have a “private conversation” caught by their microphones.

JoJo asks Ben if he loves Lauren too and he says yes.

“I’m so tired of competing” – JoJo, unaware she’s on a game show where you compete with other women for one dull dude.

Ben says goodbye to JoJo and leaves, holding a mystery stainless steel item, leaving JoJo in tears as well.

The next morning is D-day. Ben meets with Neil Lane and his briefcase of rings. He chooses a gaudy, fuggo ring.

At this point Ben is definitely playing up his relationship with JoJo more that his relationship with Lauren.

We see the girls in their “proposal dresses” and JoJo definitely has the getting dumped dress on, she looks like a Dallas beauty pageant contestant compared to Lauren’s classic electric blue, floor-length column dress which is obviously meant to say “wife material.”

 JoJo arrives at the altar and starts her vows to Ben, they both look like they might throw up.  

Then it’s Ben’s turn and he utters the proverbial “but,” and tells JoJo the bad news, that he loves Lauren more.

JoJo has really dodged a bullet. A bullet with boring written all over it.

The saddest thing about this is the stretch limo that JoJo had to ride off in.

In classic dumped girl on the Bachelor finale, JoJo doesn’t let Ben have it like she’s entitled to. It’s textbook Stockholm Syndrome.

“I could’ve married JoJo and been happy” – Ben.

After a lot of boring talk he proposes to Lauren and slips that fug ring on her white nail polished fingers. That manicure would also be a deal-breaker for me.

Then they exchanged a lot of “you’re my person!” “We’re engaged!” “I love you.” And “I’m so lucky,” to each other. It’s pretty nauseating but it also makes you realize that these two boring basics are perfect for eachother.

The Bachelor, you did it again.

As predicted, JoJo was announced as the next Bachelorette.