All posts by Ed Daly

2016, California, cavaliers, cubs, dentists, dildos, flossing, Game of Thrones, GOP, Harambe, harriet tubman, hb2, ice bucket challenge, jared from subway, Khan, selfie sticks, ted cruz, Trump, uber, Uncategorized, Veep, villanova

The 20 Best Things That Happened in 2016

December 29, 2016 Ed Daly 1 Comment

With each bad news story (Trump, celebrity deaths, Brexit, ISIS, Flint water, Dylan Roof, Aleppo, Wells Fargo, Brock Turner, Chewbacca mom), people cursed 2016 as if it was an exceptionally bad year. Without question some terrible things happened. In a world full of billions of people (and, seemingly, trillions of celebrities), bad shit is bound to happen. But was 2016 void of greatness? Absolutely not. 2016 was inspiring, entertaining, and heartwarming. Here are the 20 best things from the past 12 months:

20. Remember that annoying Ice Bucket Challenge? It actually led to something great!

"Look at me! I'm doing stuff!" — “Look at me! I’m doing stuff!”

Every year, people on Facebook are subjected to endless fads that are supposed to help a good cause (copying-and-pasting status updates to end mental illness, forwarding articles to help catch Kony, dumping ice water on themselves, doing bad push-ups, mannequin challenges, etc.). But, in the case of the Ice Bucket Challenge, it raised a lot of money. Like over $100 million. Some of that money funded Project MinE, an ALS research firm. In July, Project MinE identified a gene linked to the disease. Breakthroughs like this can eventually lead to cures. None of this happens without money. The money came from the Ice Bucket Challenge.

19. Dildos brought the world more joy than ever.

Ever since the late 16th Century, the dildo has been bringing the world plenty of enjoyment. But in 2016, dildos took things to the next level. In Buffalo, New York, a fake penis was thrown onto a football field to the delight of thousands. In San Bernadino, California, employees at Lotions and Lace thwarted a robbery with the sex toy. But it was in a remote wildlife refuge in Oregon where the 2016 dildo made its biggest impact. A bunch of dipshit ranchers took over some building nobody gives a shit about to protest some stupid bullshit nobody cares about. It was probably about guns because, well, they’re dumb white guys in America. Anyway, their big standoff lasted a while and so the ranchers sent out impassioned pleas for “necessary” supplies (which included fucking Miracle Whip!?!). Instead of getting proper food rations, the dimwits were deluged with supplies of dildos. Well played, everyone.

18. Television was great.

Richard Splett is the greatest character on TV.

When the world outside seems like it’s falling apart, it’s comforting to put on the boob tube and escape for a while. Unlike the 1980s when every show was a very special episode about the dangers of marijuana, there was a ton of great stuff to watch. If you wanted straight-up comedy, you had Eric Andre, Broad City, Silicon Valley, Billy on the Street, Conan, Kimmel, and Veep. Better Call Saul might be the greatest spinoff of all time. Netflix cranked out tons of interesting stuff like Stranger Things. HBO miniseries like The Night Of and Show Me A Hero were excellent. ESPN’s OJ: Made in America was the best documentary series of all time. (Sorry, Ken Burns.)

17. Kid-toucher and shitty sandwich-peddler Jared Fogle was beaten up in prison.

"Who wants an awful sandwich?" — “Who wants an awful sandwich?”

The smell of that bread alone was reason enough to hate Fogle. But the fact that he turned out to be a pederast meant he deserved to get the shit kicked out of him every day for the rest of his life. In March, an older inmate obliged and roughed-up the doughy former pitchman.

16. The Olympics were exhilarating and restored faith in humanity.

Once you got past the floating shit and dead bodies in the water, the Olympics were a lot of fun. You had Usain Bolt torching runners, the oiled-up Tongan flag bearer sending announcers into a tizzy, the debut of rugby, the inspirational refugee team, and a bunch of world records broken. But the greatest moment happened between two runners in a 5000 meter preliminary heat. New Zealand runner Nikki Hamblin stumbled and fell. In the process she took American Abbey D’Agostino with her. Instead of scrambling to her feet to keep going, D’Agostino helped up Hamblin and encouraged her to keep going. When the injured D’Agostino badly limped to the finish line, it was the Kiwi who was there for the American. Shit. Did it just get really dusty in here?

15. The greatest name of all time was born.

Britain’s Natural Environment Research Council had a new cutting-edge ship it was ready to launch but wanted the public to feel invested in its success as well. So they held a boat-naming contest. Over 3000 names were suggested to properly honor the climate change-exploring vessel but there was a clearcut winner – Boaty McBoatface, which received more than 27,000 votes. There were a lot of routes this contest could’ve gone but, happily, the general public treated this contest properly and gave the ship a more regal name than anyone could imagine.

14. Old Hickory is losing his inexplicable status as the face of the $20 bill.

Andrew Jackson was a piece of shit. He wasn’t a piece of shit in a “revisionist history” sense. He was a piece of shit in every era. Yes, lots of white people were slave owners but Jackson was a particularly nasty one. He regularly abused them and traded them in bulk. Andrew Jackson was responsible for the Trail of Tears. Jackson was lauded for breaking up rich networks and allowing “the common man” access to government. But all he did was hook up his woefully unprepared friends and people he owed favors to. Andrew Jackson was a piece of shit. And yet, for the past 90 years or so, that garbage individual has had a spot on the most important bank note in the United States. Well, in April, the U.S. Treasury announced that the hateful asshole would be replaced by former slave and abolitionist Harriet Tubman. In direct contrast to Jackson, Tubman became famous for her compassion and selflessness. Plus, H-Tubs replacing Jackson really chaps the asses of notorious assholes like Rep. Steve King.

13. Kevin Harlan reminded us that not all are announcers are terrible like Joe Buck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JssKqYoy5p4

Kevin Harlan’s call of an idiot on the field is broadcasting at its finest. Meanwhile, Joe Buck’s contribution to 2016 was admitting he had an addiction to hair plugs.

12. Khizr Khan destroyed Trump.

Just like every other election year, the GOP and DNC conventions were a bunch of bullshit rah-rah speeches in front of people in stupid hats. The only people watching were those who had already made up their minds. A-list celebrities (for Clinton) and sad D-listers (for Trump) spewed out tired rhetoric to the enlightenment of no one. And then Khizr Khan, the father of a Gold Star recipient, took the stage and called Trump out on his anti-Muslim bullshit. He was eloquent, sharp and, within a few hours, provoked the petulant reality star into tweeting angry insults. Regardless of how the election turned out, Khizr Khan showed America that being Muslim doesn’t mean being an enemy or unpatriotic. It just means being Muslim. The only person being unpatriotic was the one insulting them.

11. SPORTS!

In 2016, the Chicago Cubs ended the misery of the most long-suffering fan base, the Cleveland Cavaliers won the city’s first title of any kind in 52 years, and the always-exciting NCAA tournament was won on a buzzer-beating three-pointer!

10. Humor – 1. Narcissist tools – 0.

Selfie sticks are terrible and they are everywhere. In 2016, one brave New Yorker decided to take a stand.

9. The sports and entertainment world took a stand against hate.

In March, homophobic North Carolinians passed a “bathroom bill” to legally discriminate against transgender people. The sports and entertainment world quickly banded together and told North Carolina to fuck off. The first performer to speak out against HB2 was Bruce Springsteen, who wrote a poignant note and cancelled an April concert. He was followed by Pearl Jam, Mumford and Sons, Ringo Starr, Cyndi Lauper, Cirque du Soliel, the NCAA tournament, the NBA All-Star Game, the ACC football championship game in their decision to ignore the hateful state. As long as the Tar Heel State wants to be small-minded, they’re gonna lose truckloads of money.

8. A tennis ball provided all the entertainment you need.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIe9gdtmA7w

There’s nothing more breathtaking than a 123-miles-per-hour nut-shot.

7. The future is here! Driverless cars are in Pittsburgh!

This Fall, Uber riders in Pittsburgh were picked up by driverless cars. And you know what? Everything has been fine. There haven’t been any accidents. Precise routes were taken to give everyone the most efficient service possible. Passengers were not subjected to boring stories from some driver in a loveless marriage. It has been glorious. The worst thing about driving is other drivers. Technology is almost to the point where we no longer need drivers. The Steel City is essentially the Jetsons universe.

6. The Biebs took a spill.

During a June concert in Saskatoon, Canada, a magical moment occurred. Sadly, he landed on his feet.

5. A struggling mom sent out a desperate plea on Craigslist before Christmas. She was answered by Eddie Vedder.

A Maryland mother was facing eviction and a Christmas where her kids didn’t get anything so she sent out a heartbreaking plea on Craigslist. The plea went viral and a GoFundMe page was set up for Tyshika Britten and her family. Even Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder got in on the act with a $10,000 donation. Instead of getting the boot from her home, Britten, her five boys, and baby girl had the greatest Christmas of their lives.

4. Someone told Ted Cruz he looked like a fish monster.

Nobody has ever liked Ted Cruz…and yet, he was dangerously close to getting the GOP nomination. Then a hero stepped-up, gave Cruz a fake handshake, and called him a fish monster.

3. Don’t listen to your dentists. Flossing is for suckers.

Every time someone sits down in a dentist chair, they get a hard time from the dentist or hygienist for not flossing enough. Despite electric toothbrushes, hyper-effective toothpaste, mouthwash, and regular check-ups, we are told that the barbaric process of weaving a piece of string between our teeth every night is essential to preventing cavities and preventing gum disease. Well, the Associated Press did some digging and found out that there is no hard evidence of that being true. Fuck that. Put down that floss and enjoy life again.

2. Election night in California proved that not all Americans are shitheads.

America is a multiethnic country. America has a gun problem. The rich-poor divide in America is worse than ever. People are gonna smoke weed whether it’s legal or not. On election night, the Golden State acknowledged all of these things while huge portions of white people jammed their head further into the sand and voted for restoring America from 50 years ago. Change is coming eventually. California will just be ahead of the curve.

1. “Dicks out for Harambe.”

This guy.

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The 20 Best Things That Happened in 2015

December 31, 2015 Ed Daly

2015 was full of terrible people (ISIS, the Planned Parenthood shooter, the kid from UConn who was refused mac and cheese) with terrible agendas. But was it void of greatness? Absolutely not. Here are 20 reasons why 2015 was actually a tremendous year. And I’m not talking about bullshit videos of cops getting into dance contests and squirrels parachuting. These are actual great things.

20. Nancy Grace suffers her worst debate beatdown…by 2 Chainz!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e25in2BNo48

In yet another debate over an issue that nobody still cares about, Nancy Grace was obliterated by the guy whose previous high point was the lyric – “They say room service. Gimme one minute, she gettin’ a womb service.”

19. Star Wars

JJ Abrams had a ton of pressure going into this movie. Nerds followed his every move. Yes, these were the same nerds who conveniently forgot that the Star Wars franchise has had about two-and-a-half good movies out of six. Nonetheless, Abrams was expected to please both nine year-old boys and 44 year-old fanboys looking to revisit their youths before puberty relegated them to weirdo status. And JJ delivered. The Force Awakens was thoroughly entertaining and a real event.

18. Iceland makes blasphemy legal.

Jesus, that's a beautiful picture. — Jesus, that’s a beautiful picture.

You’re goddamned right they did!

17. Steve Harvey is a dope.

People can debate whether or not the whole Miss Universe thing was staged. But the authenticity of the pageant’s results is not what makes it great. In the middle of the confusion, Steve Harvey says the funniest line of his career and it was not remotely intentional. At the 5:03 mark, Harvey pleaded with the audience. “Please don’t hold it against the ladies.” Thanks, Steve. For a minute I thought Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines were to blame for this commotion and was about to throw broken bottles at the stage. Then I was going to follow them both around for the rest of their lives and loudly boo them in public. Thanks to your quick wit, you were able to clarify that it is not the fault of the two women standing silently in their evening gowns and sashes. We all really dodged a bullet there.

16. Adnan’s murder is the gift that keeps on giving.

America's next great pastime - carefully studying potentially murderous weirdos. — America’s next great pastime – carefully studying potentially murderous weirdos.

Due to the success of Serial, tv networks have been dying to capitalize on the true crime documentary series success. HBO put out The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst. Once viewers were able to look past the creepy facial hair of documentarian Andrew Jarecki, The Jinx was a fascinating look at the insanely wealthy yet shady Robert Durst. The final episode culminated in a mind-blowing confession.

Later in the year, Netflix threw it’s hat in the ring with Making A Murderer – a show about a slow adult who may have been framed for murder in Wisconsin. While death is always terrible, at least it’s providing some compelling television.

15. Ben Carson has a majestic picture of himself and Jesus hanging in his home.

"Last one to the steam room is a rotten egg!" — “Last one to the steam room is a rotten egg!”

“Hey Ben, why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable? Come join me in the steam room. I can give you a nice back massage with my insanely muscular right hand. If you just close your eyes, you will begin to forget about my tiny, Chris Bosh-sized head.”

14. Eddie Murphy finally told a joke.

For people of a certain age, Eddie Murphy was the comedic gold standard. Then he stopped being funny. He quit standup, made tons of terrible kids movies, and appeared super-affected in every interview. At the SNL 40 special, Chris Rock gave Murphy the intro to end all intros, Eddie took the stage…and did absolutely nothing. Most of the next day’s water cooler talk was about how Eddie didn’t have it anymore. A couple months later, when being presented with the Mark Twain prize at the Kennedy Center, Eddie broke the streak and told his first joke at the expense of alleged serial rapist Bill Cosby. Welcome back.

13. Washington DC is turning poop into power.

The biggest challenge in moving away from fossil fuels is finding new energy sources. Our nation’s capital found a source that is never ending – our need to relieve ourselves. The new treatment plant which turns solid waste into energy will both save money and put waste to work. Suddenly, having a Taco Bell in the neighborhood is an asset.

12. Mad. Max.

Uh oh, both genders are being represented. Time to panic!

Mad Max: Fury Road was one of the rare movies with no downtime. There was no boring scene. There was no needless exposition. The movie was just start-to-finish action. Hopefully this teaches future directors that it’s ok to sometimes skip the boring backstories and forced romantic subplots. For the cherry on top, the movie made a bunch of guys angry because one of the action stars was a woman. Welcome to the year 1979, gentlemen!

11. A’s pitcher, Sean Doolittle, hosts Thanksgiving dinner for 17 Syrian refugee families.

Much like the Ebola scare, SARS, and Bird Flu, Syrian refugees have become an insane fear mongering target. Despite the fact that there is really no evidence to prove Syrian refugees are any more of a risk to Americans than Americans themselves, people have gone out of their way to turn their backs on people looking to escape persecution and seek freedom. (You know, kind of like the way everyone’s family came to America?) Well, the Oakland A’s closer represented the best of what America has to offer and generously showed love on our country’s greatest holiday.

10. Julianne Moore killed it on Billy on the Street.

Julianne Moore is a national treasure.

9. Bill Cosby finally faced the music.

2015 has not been a good one for Cliff Huxtable. Ever since mid-2014, the old comedian has been accused of rape by dozens of women. But the problem with nearly every accusation is that it happened well beyond the statute of limitations. Luckily, at least one of these cases happened just under 12 years ago in Pennsylvania. Yesterday, Cosby was arrested and formally charged. It doesn’t right all his wrongs but satisfying to know he doesn’t get away with everything. Maybe that Fat Albert voice can get you an extra serving of baked beans as you live out your twilight years in the pokey, Bill.

8. The Paris climate agreement is the most positive news item for the environment in our lifetime.

I think we can all agree that the planet is mostly fucked in the long term. But, for generations, we viewed earth as someone else’s problem. And, let’s face it, if something is going to inconvenience your great-great grandson/daughter, you can pretend you care but you really don’t. Now, problems with the planet could be a major problem for our kids – which is a problem because we sort-of care about our kids. Governments across the globe banded together and have resolved to focus on renewable energy. Now we have something to bring up when we need someone to change our diapers in 50 years. “Remember that time when we saved the planet? Good. Now help me change this #2”

7. TV is still great.

Thanks to Netflix and countless cable channels, there are a ton of directions to turn for great TV. From the Mad Men finale to the “Shame” episode of Game of Thrones to season two of Fargo, You’re the Worst, and Broad City, television in 2015 is better than ever. But, if you’re looking for a great new show, look no further than Big Time in Hollywood, FL. Come for the coked-out-of-his-mind Cuba Gooding, Jr. Stay for the Steven Tobolowsky.

6. University of Missouri football players use their status to bring meaningful change.

For months, black students had complained of multiple racial incidents around campus. The administration chose to do nothing about it. Realizing that the only meaningful change is getting the football team involved, players on the team were approached to join the movement. On Saturday, November 7th, black members of the team announced they would not play another game unless there were changes in the administration. By Tuesday, the 10th, the school’s president stepped down and the chancellor announced he will transition to a new role.

Schools everywhere have no problem profiting left and right on the athletes. Schools are also always quick to remind the athletes that they’re not employees. It’s about time that the athletes get to push back.

5. RJ Hunter hits a game-winner for Georgia State in the NCAA Tournament.

Ron Hunter tore his achilles tendon while celebrating his team’s Sun Belt conference championship the previous week. In the first round of the NCAA tournament (or whatever they call the round of 64), Ron was forced to coach his 14-seeded team from a stool against Baylor, the 3-seed. When Ron’s son, RJ, hit the game winner Ron fell out of his chair and shady coach Scott Drew was sent home with a bitter loss.

4. David Letterman got the sendoff he deserved.

In the weeks leading up to David Letterman’s final show in May, the tributes poured in. Jimmy Kimmel gave a heartfelt tribute to Dave in his monologue. Norm MacDonald choked up in his final Late Show appearance. Every star imaginable was tripping over themselves to get on the show before he signed off. In the final episode, Dave gave a poignant-yet-not-sappy farewell and the Foo Fighters played while a montage of 35 years of incredible clips played.

It’s sad that there no longer will be a late night host that is both hilarious and unconcerned with kissing up to his guests. But it was tremendous to see the greatest ever talk show host get his due. Farewell, Dave.

3. We got to witness the Pharma Bro do the perp walk.

In August Martin Shkreli announced his company was hiking the price of a drug used by AIDS patients by 5500%. Due to expired patents and a complete lack of compassion, the “Pharma Bro” shrugged and reminded everyone it is all legal. In December, we learned that Shkreli was the sole owner of the only copy of Wu Tang’s $2 million album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin.” But then, just when we were resigned to the fact that this shitbird was forever going to be a nuisance in our lives, Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud. After a rough year, Pharma Bro’s arrest was a solid bit of news as we entered the holiday season.

2. The Obergefell vs. Hodges decision.

The Supreme Court ruled that all states are required to recognize same sex marriages. This was both terrific and sad news. Terrific in that love wins. Sad in that same sex marriages weren’t a universal thing in America as recently as seven months ago.

1. “Benjamin Franklin is killin’ the game!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnHduGJddq0

This guy.

2014, adnan, bieber, birdman, broad city, clickhole, colorado, dennis rodman, duke, ebola, fargo, fox news, fred phelps, gay marriage, guilty, hoverboard, hoverboards, jaden smith, jay leno, jj watt, john oliver, kim jong un, legal weed, marijuana, mercer, michael keaton, royals, serial, silicon valley, the interview, too many cooks, true detective, washington, weed

The 20 Best Things About 2014

December 31, 2014 Ed Daly

From police brutality to missing planes to Bruce Jenner’s face to ISIS, 2014 was a year full of bad news. It would be easy to look back at this year and think it was a lousy one. But you would be wrong. 2014 was a great year. Here are 20 reasons why:

20. Someone punched Justin Bieber.

Orlando Bloom living everyone's dream. — Orlando Bloom living everyone’s dream.

For a good four or five years now, every single person I know has wanted to punch Justin Bieber. Finally this summer someone actually did it. Let’s get beyond the fact that the guy who did it is a pretty boy from The Lord of the Rings. We’ll take what we can get.

19. Bob Costas’ eye proved wishes do come true.

Every four years, Americans do their best to follow a bunch of people going down a mountain at about 70 miles per hour. It’s fun in the World’s-Strongest-Man-at-a-bar kind of way but nobody really knows what’s going on. Luckily the nation could unite and revel in the optical malady that befelled Bob “Tiny Blowhard” Costas. Around the time Costas was probably pontificating about how Putin reminds him of an early-20th century major league baseball commissioner, he was struck with what they call in the medical profession “funk eye.”

In post-stroke Dick Clark fashion, Costas’ ego wouldn’t allow him to call-in sick and let someone else take over hosting duties for a few days. In Dick Clark fashion, Costas’ malady became the focus of the broadcast. Take a bow, Bob. It was hilarious.

18. A defensive player was the best in the NFL.

Never mind that Aaron Rodgers will probably win the MVP. JJ Watt dominated football as much as anyone in the past decade. Just as Roger Goodell was doing his best to turn the game into sixty minutes of seven-on-seven pass skeleton, the Texans beast just dominated the NFL. Not that I (or really anyone who lives outside of Houston) cares whatsoever about the Houston Texans, but he was fun to watch.

17. Hoverboards finally exist.

Time for everyone to live as Marty McFly.

In the late 1980s, Back to the Future II predicted a 2015 featuring tons of crazy inventions – the best one being the hoverboard. Like most other predictions, the floating skateboard seemed ludicrous, that is, until about a month ago when video surfaced of Tony Hawk riding an actual hoverboard. The Kickstarter campaign was quickly funded. The future is now. Sadly, no word on a time machine being invented so you can be the acceptable age to skateboard or hoverboard.

16. Kim Jong Un befriended a crazy ex-NBA player, got gout, got murdered in a movie.

Doughy leader kisses the ass of a crazy ex-hoops player.

If there’s going to be a crazy world leader that everyone hates, let’s hope he has a year like this. First the fat shithead reveals he’s also a huge jock-sniffer when he courted Dennis Rodman during a January visit to Pyongyang. Then, in September, the cheese aficionado came down with a case of gout. Finally, in December, Seth Rogan and James Franco murder him in The Interview. And congrats on that sweet haircut, Kim.

15. The Kansas City Royals made it to the World Series.

Baseball is a broken sport. Teams like the Yankees and Red Sox spend around $200 million every year. Other teams like the Royals spend less than half that and expect fans to support them for 162 games. This year, KC caught lightening in a bottle and rode a wave all the way to the final game of the Fall Classic. Sadly, they lost to the Giants in seven but it was a fun ride while it lasted. I guess it also could’ve been more fun if the Orioles were the Cinderella story. But at least it wasn’t the Yanks or Sox.

14. Jay Leno finally went away.

In his two plus decades as host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno taught us a lot. First, he taught us something can be considered a “comedy” despite it not being remotely funny. He also taught us that the need for fame and fortune can far outweigh the need for dignity. The ass-kissing Leno was finally pushed out the door and it’s not looking like he will be able to weasel his way back this time. Farewell, unfunny clown.

13. We all became forensics experts about a late 1990s murder in Baltimore.

Serial, the new podcast from This American Life producer Sarah Koenig, was a breakout success in 2014. After episode two or three, everyone and their mother became an expert on a cold case murder of a high school kid 15 years ago. The great thing about the ending is it confirmed whatever you already thought about the case. The bad thing about the ending is it caused someone to email me a link to Reddit.

12. The Miami Heat lost and their star left town.

Try to wait until you get to the locker room before crying, Bosh.

Miami sports fans are the worst. When they don’t have the best player on the planet falling into their lap, they don’t support the team. When they do, they’re insufferable, chest-thumping douchebags. This year, they rode their star until he had nothing left to give and the supporting cast stunk. The Spurs hammered them in the Finals and the I-just-want-to-be-loved Lebron hightailed it back to his home state. Cue the empty yellow seats when they are an eight seed in May.

11. Jaden Smith wasn’t in any movies.

I don’t think this one needs much explanation.

10. Clickhole was launched.

Anyone who has ever been on Facebook has seen a million “click-bait” quizzes and lists posted to their timeline. Whether it’s the top 100 cat pictures or figuring out which Disney princess you most resemble, they’re all horrible. This summer, the Onion created Clickhole, a parody “click-bait” website, and it’s now the best part about going on Facebook.

9. Colorado and Washington approve recreational marijuana. Schools get more money. Crime is down. The world still turns.

If you can get past the fact that weed often tricks people into thinking hackey sack is a fun activity and reggae is a good type of music, I think it’s pretty clear that marijuana is no worse than alcohol. Whether you like smoking weed or not, you should be fully on board with legal marijuana. First of all, it’s not like there’s ever been a moment where someone really wanted to smoke weed but didn’t because it was illegal. Might as well get some much-needed government funds from it, right? Second, legal weed is decimating these Mexican drug cartels. Remember Mexico? That place where people used to go on vacation until drug cartels started decapitating everyone?

8. Ebola cases in America are now nonexistent. Alarmists everywhere are, once again, revealed to be dopes.

Just a few short months ago, someone in your life was freaking out about a disease that posed a minimal threat to America. Fox News tried to politicize the outbreak. Facebook was flooded with silly “the sky is falling” posts from people who weren’t in harm’s way. Then, within a week or two, all three of the cases were cured. You may have gone quiet, alarmists, but we remember. We’ll always remember the time you lost your mind.

7. Michael Keaton is back.

Everyone loves Michael Keaton. Everyone. From Mr. Mom to Batman, Keaton could do anything. Then, he went low-profile for a couple decades. Well, he came back in a big way in 2014. Birdman was great and Keaton was in nearly every scene. Here’s hoping this gives his career a kickstart like Travolta post-Pulp Fiction.

6. Fred Phelps died.

Death is almost always a sad thing. Not this time. This piece-of-shit homophobe became famous for picketing funerals and spewing hate. Fred Phelps was the worst kind of jerk. His life was a life without merit. It’s nice to think every life matters. Fred Phelps is proof that’s not always the case. Glad you’re gone, Fred.

5. TV is great and getting better.

In the past decade, television has gotten better than ever. 2014 upped the ante with a bunch of new shows that are all great: True Detective, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Fargo, The Knick, Broad City, and Silicon Valley. For anyone who remembers garbage like TJ Hooker and Growing Pains, these shows are astonishingly good.

4. Duke lost in the first round.

What a shock - a Duke fan in face paint. — What a shock – a Duke fan in face paint.

Like crooked Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, the Duke Blue Devils keep on winning and the world is a worse place for it. Every year, they cherry pick their share of douchey basketball recruits and remain at the top of the college basketball world. Luckily for every non-asshole who hates Duke, the first round of this year’s tournament treated us to Mercer 78 Duke 71.

3. Gay Marriage is now legal in 35 states.

There will be a day very soon when kids ask their parent’s why it took so long for gay marriage to be legal in the United States. And parents won’t have a remotely plausible answer.

2. My wife didn’t notice Ben Affleck’s penis in Gone Girl.

We’ve all had some close calls in life. Maybe it was the time you narrowly avoided a car accident. Maybe you once stumbled near a cliff on a hike. My close escape was earlier this fall when my wife sneezed as Ben Affleck’s girthy penis swung across the screen in Gone Girl. I have enough problems. The last thing I need is getting compared to that hog.

1. Too Many Cooks.

Too Many Cooks, Too Many Cooks, Too Many Cooks, Too Many C... — Too Many Cooks, Too Many Cooks, Too Many Cooks, Too Many C…

It takes a lot to make a stew. A pinch of salt and laughter, too.

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One Year to “Future Day”: What Needs to Happen for Back to the Future II to Prove True

October 21, 2014 Ed Daly 24 Comments

In the beginning of Back to the Future Part II, Doc Brown brought Marty and his girlfriend, Jennifer, on a journey to Wednesday, October 21, 2015 – exactly one year from today. The fast-paced, technologically-advanced future was mind-blowing to 1985 Marty. You know who else would be blown away by BTFF II’s view of the future? Everyone living today. Here’s what will have to come true in the next year if BTTF II’s future is to become reality.

Empty out your closet, you’re gonna need a new wardrobe.

"All kids in the future wear their pants inside out." — “All kids in the future wear their pants inside out.”

Immediately after landing in 2015 Hill Valley, Marty was given a new wardrobe by Doc so he could pass for a contemporary youth. Apparently, his jeans, short-sleeved button-down, and suspenders were completely out of line. “All kids in the future wear their pants inside out,” Doc informed Marty. He then outfitted Marty with a self-fitting jacket, a color-shifting baseball cap, and a new pair of shoes. Well, covering up Marty’s suspenders made perfect sense (because what person under the age of 70 wears suspenders?) but it’s tough to take a man seriously while he’s wearing silver wraparound sunglasses, a yellow lab coat, and a clear, plastic tie.

The timeless two-tie look. — Lookin’ sharp, future Marty.

But Doc Brown had a point. A quick walk through town revealed nobody wears anything resembling today’s clothing. Out with navy blues, grays, browns, and blacks. In with all those weird colors nobody uses at the back of the Crayola 64 box. When it comes to work attire, not only has the recent trend of men-not-wearing-ties reversed but professionals in 2015 wear two ties!

Comfort is out when it comes to casual wear. Hats now resemble metal colanders. Everything will be big and bulky. It will be a lot like 1982, just without the Hall & Oates.

The Good News: With technology in Fall 2015 allowing us to have clothing that dries itself and shoes equipped with power laces, life gets much easier.

The Bad News: Can you imagine the tragic consequences of having a toilet emergency while wearing inside-out jeans?

Airlines and John Travolta won’t be the only people flying the friendly skies.

Flying Car — “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

As soon as the Delorean hit 88 miles per hour in 1985 at the beginning of the movie, Marty was transported to a 2015 highway in the sky. That’s right. Flying cars are finally due to arrive next year. For the reasonable price of $39,000, cars can go through a “hover conversion” that turns them into “highway fliers.” Gone are the days of traffic clogging the streets. Most distance transportation is airborne.

People in the future don't finish their beer, apparently. — Unfortunately, it appears that Miller Genuine Draft beer is still a thing in 2015.

That $39,000 price becomes even more reasonable when you realize paying for fuel is no longer a thing. In the near future, a company called Mr. Fusion will invent a contraption that converts household waste into fuel – from banana peels to beer floaters.

If the car breaks down, the sneaker express might be your best option. Taxi fares skyrocket in late 2015. Marty’s taxi fare from going from one side of Hilldale to another is $174.50, more expensive than using Uber in 2014 to go from Los Angeles to San Diego.

Mattel_Hoverboard — Something to take the focus off those shoes.

The technological boom of the next year won’t be solely for the grown-ups. Kids get around town in cool hover-boards and hover-scooters. Farewell, skinned knees and loose teeth caused by treacherous cracks in uneven sidewalks. So long, dog poop-covered wheels.

The Good News: Thanks to Mr. Fusion, the world can enjoy a complete independence from oil. No more BP disasters. No more OPEC conflicts. No more paying staggering amounts every time there’s a gas shortage.

The Bad News: Modern vehicles in 2015 don’t appear to have doors. People are forced to enter and exit through an overhead hatch, like an F-14. That’s all well and good for a spry 17 year old. But for a middle aged person with a balky knee? That’s going to be a problem.

Buckle-up, Legal System.

Sweeping changes in the legal system should be expected any day now. According to Doc, “The justice system works swiftly now that they’ve abolished all lawyers.” In October 2015, things speed up to the point where people can be arrested, tried, and convicted within two hours.

Despite the overcrowding in jails as a plague to the state of California, it appears they are poised to increase sentences for crimes across the board. Simple theft increases from it’s current maximum of three years in the pokey to a whopping 15 years in the slammer! Helping someone attempt to escape the gray bar hotel goes from an average of 16 months to twenty years!

Apparently the harsh sentencing will serve as a rather large deterrent, however. The USA Today’s front page on October 23rd, 2015 features the arrest of a local California teen for theft. Clearly global conflict is a thing of the past by next year.

The Good News: With no drawn-out trials, it’s safe to assume Nancy Grace will be cancelled in short order.

The Bad News: The only thing worse than 1.1 million lawyers working in America is having 1.1 million unemployed lawyers roaming the streets with nothing to do.

Hope you don’t feel too attached to your kitchen, living room, smartphone, tablet, or the view out your window.

Why look outside when you can look at non-HD scenery instead?

One peek inside the 2015 McFly home reveals a much different home experience. The windows are now covered by non-HD scenery channels. Why look outside when you will have a grainy view of the Taj Mahal at your disposal?

food hydrator — Death, taxes, and Americans inventing new foods to eat.

Clutter in the kitchen will be a thing of the past as there is a decreased need of any of the appliances we now know. Ovens, stoves, and microwaves have been replaced by a food hydrator. A hockey puck-sized disc can be instantly transformed to a delicious pizza in three seconds. A remote control causes a vibrant garden to drop down from the ceiling. Endless food is at your disposal. Well, actually, that sounds a lot like 2014 America.

video conference — No more answering the phone in your underwear.

Despite the recent iPhone 6 launch, smartphones are nowhere to be found by Fall of next year. If the phone rings, get ready for a unspeakable horror. All phones work like Facetime. Not only is avoiding a call no longer an option, not being seen is no longer an option either. If you’re watching TV, your screen instantly changes to said interactive call so you can be face-to-face with the rude individual who callously interrupted you.

future tv — What’s going on in that upper-right corner, Marty?

Speaking of TV, it is now consumed at home like you’re a patron in a sports bar. Six televisions run concurrently. Multitasking is no longer emailing while watching TV. It involves consuming six voices at once. Happily, none of the six screens in the McFly household were tuned to NBC’s prime time lineup.

Like distressed jeans, fax machines are back.

Finally, I hope you didn’t throw out that fax machine fifteen years ago. Faxes are back in 2015. Instead of wasting time worrying about why, it might be a better use of your energy to invest in International Paper. A paper storm is coming.

The Good News: A world without having to figure out what wattage your microwave is when reading cooking instructions.

The Bad News: Having no phone to stare at when standing near your neighbor in the supermarket line.

If you’re in the service industry, you might want to polish the resume.

Devastating news for the dog-walking profession.

October 2015 is an automated society. Auto shops, waste management, restaurants, and even dog walking no longer rely on humans. It should be a vast improvement on current customer experience. After all, who has ever found automated phone services anything less than spectacular?

There is good news for the employes of the beleaguered US Postal Service, however. They are still in business but continue to be the butt of jokes. Hey, at least you have a job, right?

The Good News: No more food servers that try to remember your order without writing it down but, inevitably, fail.

The Bad News: If you thought Starbucks was full of way too many out-of-work actors writing terrible screenplays, wait until all the bartending and food-serving jobs disappear.

Get ready for a long life.

doc-mask — Sadly, it doesn’t appear there’s any way to fix hairstyles at the rejuvenation clinic.

As Marty is changing into his 2015 clothes, Doc Brown tells him about the wonderful world of “rejuvenation clinics,” which offer a “whole natural overhaul.” Gone are wrinkles, receding hairlines, and failing organs. A quick trip to the clinic and you can add three or four decades to your life.

With these types of advances in medical sciences, sports as we know it will be tremendous. The world’s fastest man will be able to run the 100 meter dash in five seconds. Home runs will travel 1000 feet. Lebron will no longer have to sew together nine headbands to cover his fading hairline.

The Good News: A longer, healthier life means more experiences, more time with loved ones, more time to relax.

The Bad News: This means Ryan Seacrest is NEVER going away.

Major League Baseball is in for a pretty big shakeup.

Your 2015 World Series Champions - The Chicago Cubs! — Your 2015 World Series Champions – The Chicago Cubs!

Marty learns that the Chicago Cubs win the 2015 World Series in a sweep over Miami. Despite finishing the 2014 season with a 73-89 record, the Cubs are expected to cruise to their first championship in 107 years.

Miami fans should also be quite pleased with the results as well. After all, their 77-85 record in 2014 doesn’t exactly scream “championship ready.” By next year, they’ll be in the World Series! Let’s hope the fans weren’t too attached to the National League or the nickname Marlins, though. As of right now, the Marlins play in the NL East. Since the Cubs have been in the National League forever, it looks like Miami will be following the Astros to the Junior Circuit. And the mascot in the hologram looks like an alligator or a crocodile. Either way, that will have to change.

Finally, the USA Today headline about this series reveals the win happened in game 5, even though it was a sweep. Guess they’re moving to a best-of-9 series.

The Good News: Good for Cubs fans. They’ve been waiting long enough.

The Bad News: All these changes will have miniature blowhard Bob Costas pontificating for years.

Save up and enjoy the ride.

If you can get past the fact that Doc Brown casually uses an electronic “sleep-inducing alpha rhythm generator” on Marty’s girlfriend, which is essentially a futuristic version of Rohypnol, the future is looking bright. So, go get tranked (future talk for drunk) and save your money. Seems like we’re going to have to buy a lot of new stuff.

Follow Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) on Twitter.

The Baller Lifestyle is a sports and pop culture website and podcast. Like us on Facebook. Podcast can be found on iTunes and Stitcher.

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A Humbling Epidemic

April 9, 2014 Ed Daly

humble

In the mid to late 14th century, the French created the word humble from the latin humilis, meaning “lowly” or “from the earth”. The verb form of the word, according to the Oxford English dictionary, means “to lower someone in dignity or importance.” In the past few months, however, the definition seems to have changed. Now it seems to mean, “Something great just happened to me and I don’t have enough words in my vocabulary to properly express my feelings.” Let’s look at some examples from the past week, shall we?

“I am extremely grateful and humbled by the opportunity to continue as the head men’s basketball coach at Manhattan College.” – Steve Masiello, upon being told he could keep his job as men’s basketball coach at Manhattan College
“We are extremely proud and humbled.” – ABBA singer Bjorn Ulvaeus, at a 40th anniversary celebration of the hit song, Waterloo.
“It was a humbling experience for myself, me being at the peak of my career and doing some great things in this league after my sixth year.” – Desean Jackson, upon signing a 3yr/$24 million contract with the Redskins
“I am extremely humbled by this honor and look forward to being the head coach and competing for championships both on and off the court.” – Danny Manning upon being named Wake Forest’s men’s basketball coach
“I’m humbled and I’m truly honored.” Alonzo Mourning, upon hearing he had been elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall-of-Fame.
“We feel really humbled and fortunate to be part of this.” – Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, upon signing a three-year contract extension.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure it’s not all that humbling if you: 1) keep your job despite being caught in a lie while trying to get a new job; 2) are being honored for being famous for four decades; 3) are able to keep guaranteed money from your old employer while signing a new deal bringing in even more money from your new employer; 4) hired at a much higher profile and paying job; 5) are being told you’re one of the greatest basketball players of all time; 6) are told you did such a great job by your employer that they want to pay you even more money to stay there for a few more years.

You could point to these statements and think that the abuse and misuse of the word “humbled” is just confined to celebrities with dumb PR people writing their speeches. You would be wrong. Just look on Facebook. Old high school classmates are “humbled” by all the birthday wishes. Work colleagues are “humbled” by some who-gives-a-shit award or promotion they received. Look in the news. Even British schoolgirls are misusing it! “I’m just humbled to think my words may have the potential to resonate and change things too,” said Tara Okeke, upon hearing she made a journalism awards shortlist. British schoolgirls! What’s next? Toddlers? “Daddy, I’m humbled that Santa put toys in my stocking.”

Humbled is a perfectly good word if used properly. There’s no better way to describe being soundly defeated. Here are a few examples where the use of the word “humbled” would be acceptable.

1. Getting trampled by a 1400-pound bull.

2. Getting knocked out with the first punch.

3. Having your army lose to a bunch of emus.

So, the next time you want to share some great news or are honored in any way, do something crazy and say that you feel honored. Say you feel proud. Say you’re excited. Don’t say something that means you have been defeated and, as a result, have no idea what words mean.

Thank you. I’m truly humbled by you taking the time to read this.

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