Hometown dates: Four girls, one dull dude and lots of crazy

The first awkward hometown date with Amanda is in Laguna Beach, even though she lives about 30 minutes inland in the daggy suburban enclave of Rancho Santa Margarita. Home of hideous, matching, side-by-side, faux-mediterranean tract-style houses.

Ben meets Amanda’s brats who are dressed in identical outfits with identical hairdos. Already pretty weird. It’s like she’s trying to trick him into thinking there’s just one kid.

They’re also wearing mini gladiator sandals which is basically child abuse.

My two-cents here, from personal experience, is you have to be ALL THE WAY IN to want to take on someone else’s kids. So unless you’re the “prize,” AKA The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, you’re not picking the person with baggage. You’re just not.

After a day that involves crying toddlers in a minivan it’s pretty clear Ben is all the way out.

Next stop is Portland to meet Lauren B.’s family. This is by far the best date of the four and Lauren’s family seem the most relatively normal and likeable.

They go to the Whiskey “Libary,” as Lauren calls it, where Ben probably orders a Jack and Coke.

Later, with her family, Ben tears up talking to Lauren’s sister about how lucky he feels. He then rests his head on Lauren’s hot sister’s shoulder. Another reason he’ll pick Lauren.

Lauren tells her sister that she thinks Ben is her “person,” one of the cringiest things you can say.

Next stop is Hudson, Ohio to meet crazy Caila’s family. Wow are we in for a treat here.

First off she takes him to her “special bench” where they have a special kiss, like they’re 14. Her “special bench” isn’t even a bench, by the way. It’s a swing.

Then she takes him to her dad’s toy factory where they build a plastic toy house replica of their future marital abode. I don’t even know what’s happening.

Finally Ben meets Caila’s parents. Her Filipino mom has adult braces and her brother’s a little kid (accident). When we meet Caila’s dad, who I’m fairly creeped out by, the whole toy factory thing makes sense.

After some very awkward conversations, including one where Caila’s dad is uses the term “microwave fame” to Ben and some talk with a strong Christian vibe about how marriage is a commitment for life, Ben escapes.

Next stop is Dallas to meet JoJo’s fam and the whole thing seems cooked to me, starting with the tragic long-stem red roses and letter from her ex-boyfriend, begging her to get back together with him, followed by lots of pacing around talking to herself, crying and finally a phone call to Chad just as Ben is arriving.

JoJo’s brothers are creepily over-excited to see her when she and Ben arrive at their parents’ house. Also, they’re huge weirdos.

After lots of awkward and confrontational conversations in different rooms of the house, JoJo’s oldest brother calls Ben out for brainwashing the women and not having the same feelings for JoJo as she does for him. I mean he’s right but that’s how this thing works.

Ben is clearly never stepping foot in that house again. JoJo is now a front-runner to be the Bachelorette.

At the rose ceremony, the final rose comes down to Amanda and JoJo and baby voice, predictably, is sent packing.

Amanda, angry that she’s only being told now that she’s not going any further, also doesn’t realize that’s how the show works.

The most depressing part is that Amanda had said she would say yes if Ben got down on one knee tonight.

Ben is a big baby, crying after she leaves and saying “I can’t talk about it.”

Next week is the ultra-weird, misogynistic “fantasy suite” dates, stay tuned!

The rise of Jubilee and the claws come out.

In classic week three happenings, insecurities begin to flare and the catty is out of the box.

The girls have started to figure out that Olivia sucks, and we the audience are repeatedly treated to her narcissistic ramblings to the camera about how great she is and how her connection with Ben is the strongest, all delivered in the world’s most annoying nasal voice.

But this episode is really about Jubilee. This is the first time an African American girl has ever really been considered as a serious contender on this show, but are we buying their connection or has this been manufactured by ABC to combat the flack they repeatedly get over this issue? Time will tell.

Jubilee announces that if she gets the one-on-one date card she’ll probably be the happiest she’s been in her life. Huge red flag statement.

Lauren B., the flight attendant, gets the first one-on-one date card and Olivia pretends to be really excited for her. Insert eye roll.

She and Ben take off in a convertible Mustang, her hair blowing in her face the whole time. Convertibles are the worst for dates. A World War I era biplane is waiting for them and apparently Lauren B. is terrified even though she flies for a living.

Ben, wearing his “hope” bracelet, goes in for the first kiss in the back of the plane as they do a fly-by over the mansion. All I can think is she must be freezing in that tank top.

After the plane ride Lauren B.’s nose is all red because she was so cold.

Cut to a Jacuzzi in the middle of a field somewhere and we see Ben’s tattoo on his rib cage, a sexy quote from the Bible, Old Testament Proverbs 16:3, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” Christian edgy.

Hot tub make out between Lauren B. and Ben. She tells him she wants to get her pilot’s licence but I feel like she’s just thought of that now and Ben tells her, “dang you’re cute.”

Cut to the dinner date and Lauren B. explains to Ben that she is from a family of really basic people and Ben drops his pastor into the conversation and tells Lauren B. “It’s been cool not just to look at you and laugh with you, but being with you.”

Lucy Angel, whoever the fuck that is, plays them a private concert where they slow dance to bad country music and make out like they’re at their high school prom. Everyone watching fast forwards.

Meanwhile back at the mansion, Caila starts losing her shit and crying whilst talking to JoJo and telling her that it’s just hitting her that there are other girls there and she might get her heart broken. Bitch, please.

Jubilee looks suicidal again that her name wasn’t on the group date card. Later she’s in tears saying, “I’m so much more complicated than anybody else here.” No one would argue with that.

A soccer-themed group date is announced, so boring. Lauren H. says that she has “zero ball-handling skills.” I bet.

Balls are flying everywhere, Emily twin blocks a bunch of goals and after a sudden-death round Olivia’s team wins.

The losing team misses out on the cocktail party where shocker, Olivia snatches Ben up for the first alone-time.

While she’s away, Amber, who has really bad hair and shouldn’t be picking on anyone’s appearance, tells the other girls that Olivia has fat toes and then Haley says, in an interview, that she can tell Olivia has fake boobs and also has bad breath. Claws. Are. Out.

Jami turns double agent and tells Olivia about the bitchy comments, sending her into a insecurity spiral, replying “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah.”

Ben and Amber kiss but it’s more Amber kissing him. I’m shocked she gets the group date rose which I think is just false hope for her. Amber’s a trouble-maker who knows she’s not going to win, she’s there to make TV drama.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee, who is sitting around on-camera with zit cream all over her face, gets the one-on-one date card and goes full-manic.

On the morning of their date Jubilee is acting like her socially anxious, weird self, rubbing the rest of the girls the wrong way with some of her comments. She’s not a girl’s girl, she might not even be all that into people.

They take a chopper to a baller health spa where they eat canapés. Jubilee, who’s not the most sophisticated, tries one with a tiny bit of caviar which she has to immediately spit out on a napkin like a child. Nothing annoys me more than adults making a huge display of something they don’t like the taste of. Calm the fuck down.

This prompts Ben to ask Jubilee what her go-to food is to which she tells him she’s, “obsessed with hot dogs,” which are good, but that answer should be a deal-breaker.

Next they get into the hot tub and Jubilee’s stripper tattoos are revealed. They move to the pool and do some making out.

Later that night, Jubilee opens up to Ben about her sad childhood and he seems enthralled by her broken bird story and hands her the rose. My prediction is this girl is a bit too damaged and complicated for Ben, despite him claiming that he likes complex people with layers. I’m just not buying it.

The next morning all the bitches are shocked that Jubilee got a rose, with Lauren H. saying, “it’s insane to me, it’s like literally insane,” and notes that Jubilee seems to be pulling away from all the other girls. Lauren H., who is the epitome of a wannabe soccer mom, says she knows Ben “wants a wife who can be friends with all the other soccer moms.”

Ben arrives for the rose ceremony cocktail party and puts  a real downer vibe on the night, announcing that two close family friends from back home died in an accident last night.

Most of the girls see this as the perfect opportunity to console Ben and show them how sensitive they are, with the exception of Olivia who is the first to whisk him away to let him know that she hates her legs, that people have written blogs about how she has “cankles,” while almost fake crying, and finishes with “I try to be strong all the time, but it’s the scariest thing ever.” If we weren’t sure if Olivia was a narcissist, we are now.

I love Olivia so much, she is completely unaware about how unlikeable she is and thinks she totally has this in the bag.

This was huge turn-off for Ben, who says this is not exactly what he wants to talk about, given what he’s gone through today.

Back in the room with the group, the camera spends a lot of time focusing on Jubilee sitting morosely on her own and highlighting her isolation tactics while zooming in on her boobs in her low-cut dress every so often.

Before long though, she’s taking Ben to a secluded area outside, where a massage table is conveniently set up and gives him a massage in his suit shirt with her long, acrylic nails. It looks like a terrible massage.

Becca, JoJo and Jami creep up and spy on the situation and two seconds later everyone in the house is alerted. All the girls are not happy that Jubilee is stealing their time with Ben when she’s safe with a rose already.

Soon Jami is dispatched to go down and interrupt the massage but it’s ending anyway with Ben announcing, “that was just incredible, it’s like my favorite thing in the world.” Sorry girls, Jubliee won this one.

A little later Amber decides she needs to talk to Jubilee, finding her outside on a couch covered in a blanket, all alone, and tells her that she has to come and talk with all the girls which Jubes is having none of. She’s had army training, she knows an ambush when she smells one and bolts upstairs, barricading herself in a bathroom saying “I don’t know what you guys are doing but it ain’t cute. It’s ridicalous,” as she goes.

“Jubilee got a rose last night, so she’s just cocky as fuck.” – Lace.

“It’s the first night ever that I have a rose and I should be giddy as fuck right now and I’m not because of this stupid situation, it’s just not fair.” – Amber.

“He shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now.” – Emily.

Amber comes up to the bathroom to explain to Jubilee, who is now being consoled by Ben, that she just wanted to talk to her. Jubilee starts to cry. Amber explains to Ben and Jubilee why everyone is annoyed with her, basically signing her death warrant. If there’s one thing you want to do on this show, it’s stay out of the drama.

Next, a crying Lace takes Ben outside to say she has a lot of work to do on herself and that going home might be easier at this point, delivering the line of the night again “Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.” Basic bitches everywhere nod in unison.

The roses are handed out to aspring soccer mom Lauren H., baby voiced-single mom Amanda, Haley twin, Becca virgin, Emily twin, boring Rachel, crazy Caila, JoJo, Tall Jennifer and Leah with the too-dark eyebrows and last but not least, Olivia.

Olivia has decided that Ben is giving her secret signs to let her know that she is more special, like squeezing her knee slightly when he got up off the couch on the group date and squeezing her waist when he hugged her after he gave her the final rose. She’s a maniac.

Jami and Shushana are this week’s rejects.

Jami, who’s a bit dim, spirals after not getting a rose, saying “My lesson from this is don’t ever expect anything from humans, I’m going to start adopting cats now.” Girls with cats everywhere nod in unison.

See you on Bachelor in Paradise, girl.