Backstabbing in the Bahamas

Things pick up where we left off last week – with Ben talking to Olivia before the rose ceremony begins about the comments made to him about her by some of the girls. She expertly switches into victim mode and paints a fantastical picture of herself, saying things like, “I like reading books in my room and thinking,” and “I want to talk smart things.” This kind of superiority complex never plays well.

Olivia explains to Ben that it’s just her confidence that’s off-putting to everyone. Being confident is such a curse.

Ben keeps Olivia around and Emily twin visibly fumes.

The girls can’t believe how dumb Ben is when it comes to Olivia.

Olivia, aware of the attack on her, sends her haters a message, “Come at me bro,
and “I’m not going anywhere, everyone else can suck it.”

Ben begins handing out the roses to all the usual suspects with the last rose coming down to between Emily twin and tall Jen, this honestly could have gone either way as both these girls are going home eventually but Emily twin is the winner tonight.

Next stop – hurricane season in the Bahamas. Never have the Bahamas looked so uninviting.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, her second, and Leah, who hasn’t had any quality alone time with Bachelor Ben yet, starts to freak out. Some people just aren’t good at playing this game and Leah is that person.

Ben really wants to be into dull Caila but is worried she might be a bit shallow. Valid concern I’d say. Over dinner, Caila reveals that making sense while speaking is not one of her talents. The girl is just not bright enough to connect her feelings with words and just keeps talking nonsense until Ben has gone through the gamut of emotions – confused and ready to say goodbye to her all the way back to smitten again. It was exhausting to watch and we are left wondering what she was even talking about.

The group date card arrives and the focus is back on Leah. When her name is read and she realizes that, again, she’s not getting special time with Ben a switch is flicked and there’s no turning back.

The infamous two-on-one date is going to be between arch rivals Olivia and Emily twin. This is previewed on the show as if it’s a fight to the death.

The group date seems like a nightmare, the weather’s crappy and tensions are running high. We finally see the girls in their bikinis and I think I speak for everyone here when I say I was shocked at the absence of implants. Shocked.

They arrive at their destination, an island overrun with pigs, where Ben announces that, “the unpredictability of life has came upon us.” Oh boy.

They swim and frolic with the pigs who seem a bit aggressive to be honest, with JoJo being all but mauled by two hungry pigs, eliciting the comment, “This is like a bar in Dallas, pigs everywhere.”

This is by far the most awkward group date, there’s nowhere private to go with any of the girls and hungry pigs are everywhere. No one’s feeling it, least of all Leah who is as awkward with Ben as she possibly could be and then proceeds to whinge and cry to him about not having had any time with him. Guys LOVE this.

Back at the hotel, the two-on-one date card arrives and Olivia announces that, “Emily and I are the same age but I’m going to feel like her mom babysitting her tomorrow.” Because she’s so mature?

Drama ensues on the group date that evening when Leah takes Ben aside and, in desperation, tells him that there is someone in the house that’s not being real with him and that someone is the person he has the most chemistry with. Then she NAMES NAMES and throws Lauren B. under the bus and just like that, a new villain is born.

Ben, not able to see through Leah’s desperate bid to get rid of her biggest rival, brings this up with Lauren B. who can’t believe someone would say that about her and wasn’t at all prepared to defend herself. She just sits there shell shocked.

Lauren B. falls into tears back on the couch with her girls and Leah does a not-very-convincing job of claiming she wasn’t the one who was shit-talking to Ben. She looks about as guilty as she possibly could.

Ben gives Amanda, who may have the least personality of them all, the group date rose.

Back at the hotel, Lauren B., Amanda and Emily twin surmise that it was Leah who told Ben Lauren B. was being fake, AKA not there for the right reasons.

Leah, meanwhile, is getting dolled up to visit Ben in his hotel room in a last ditch effort really drive her point home about Lauren B. This tactic is so backwards and obviously doesn’t have the desired effect. Instead, Ben tells Leah that something doesn’t feel right between them and he thinks it’s best to say goodbye.

Leah’s only regret is that she looks like an idiot, not what a huge bitch she was to someone for no other reason than to win a game.

The next day is the two-on-one, loser goes home, date with Olivia and Emily vying for Ben.

I just want to say fuck that about this date in general. It’s another overcast, windy day and after a boat ride from hell to get to some sad excuse for an island, Ben and Olivia go off to talk.

She proceeds to earbash him about how great she is, how she’s an introvert who’s grounded and at peace with herself and that she loves herself. She is a maniac. Olivia goes on to say that, “deep intellectual things are just my jam,” then blurts out that she’s in love with Ben. At this point it’s so obvious that Ben is not feeling it but Olivia, in her delusional mania, has no idea.

Emily twin’s approach was desperate in a different way, it’s just so uncomfortable watching these women continuously having to pitch themselves to this guy every chance they get like he’s some amazing prize. The chemistry between these two is so forced.

This is the worst date I’ve ever seen, with the wind blowing Emily’s hair in her face and the spray from the ocean all over everyone. All I could think of was can someone give the girl a hair tie? It’s the opposite of romantic.

Ben takes the rose, the symbol of his heart, and asks Olivia to take a walk with him. When they’re at the far end of the strip of sand and rocks they’ve landed on, Ben breaks the news to her that she’s not going any further on this journey.

Olivia looks more blindsided than anyone has ever been in the history of The Bachelor. This might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to Olivia in her life. No one is that oblivious to losing has ever experienced not getting their way the majority of their 23 years.

This level of humiliation is very uncomfortable to watch but is also the reason this show is so popular. To add insult to injury, Ben and Emily leave on one boat, leaving Olivia standing on the windy beach alone.

The girls get gypped when Chris Harrison, the Ricardo Montalban of this Nightmare Island, arrives on the scene to tell the girls that Ben has canceled the cocktail party and wants to go straight to the rose ceremony. Gasps!

Ben reads the girl’s names out one by one – Becca, JoJo and the final rose is between the two Laurens with Lauren B. beating out Lauren H. No surprises here really.

Lauren H. reveals her cry face in the car driving away and everything makes sense.

Next week is hometown dates. Buckle up!

Mayhem in Mexico

Going into week five of this shit show, Olivia with her clown mouth maintains her position as most unlikable contestant while the girls and Ben all travel to Mexico City, oddly.

The girls are being put up at the Four Seasons in Mexico City. On inspecting the suites that have bidets in the bathrooms, Olivia announces that, “Not everyone has one but I have one.” As if we need more reasons to hate her. There’s something so fascinating about people who lack any sense of self awareness.

We’re also subjected to sound bites from her throughout the episdoe like, “There’s no doubt in my mind that I love Ben,” and, “He doesn’t validate people the way he validates me, our love language is reserved for us.” Honestly, she’s a maniac.

Olivia, the megalomaniac, was certain she was going to get the first one-on-one date but it went to Amanda and her baby voice.

I’m just noticing that Ben is in dire need of a haircut.

Ben wakes Amanda up for their date at 4:20 am. Fuck. That. She looks flawless though when awoken, even though she reminds me of a little elf from the woods.

All the girls are horrified at being filmed with no make up on and Emily is sleeping with a teddy bear and possibly a blanky, no one is shocked.

They go for a hot air balloon ride over some ruins. Amanda’s ombré is so Andi Dorfman’s season but she seems like his type.

Jubilee is having a real whinge about not being on the date with him. Her whingeing is a theme of this episode.

The group date card arrives and it has Lauren H.’s name on it. Didn’t see that one coming, I hoped it was for Leah who will be going home soon due to Ben’s apparent lack of interest in getting to know her.

Amanda tells Ben a sad story about her marriage falling apart which sounds like so many stories before it. Ben tries to be all coy with her, telling her he can’t believe someone like her would be interested in him. Okay, dude.

Amanda does that face holding thing when she kisses.

Olivia’s clown mouth makes multiple appearances. 

She claims Ben as her partner for the cooking date, again beating all these slow dumb dumbs to the punch. You’d think by now at least one of them would be challenging her shot-gun tactics. She’s so pleased with herself it’s nauseating.

The girls have to pair up and purchase ingredients to cook later using the Spanish they learned in their five minute Spanish class earlier where Ben told them all he loved them in Spanish which was creepy to watch. Caila seems to know Spanish while Emily can only remember the word “churros.”

Emily Twin is still very vocal about Olivia and wanting to “punch her in the face,” also commenting that, “she literally makes me want to throw up, and her breath is horrible.” This is the second time she’s brought up Olivia’s bad breath.

The best part of this date is Emily claiming that Ben suggested he and Olivia try some mint because Olivia’s breath is so bad.

Back at the hotel, Lauren H. and Amanda are talking about how, “like literally anything we do is going to be so fun,” talking about their upcoming date. They’re both inexplicably drinking red wine from champagne flutes.

On the cooking group date, obviously a really important date because Ben needs to see what skills these women have in the kitchen so he can figure out who will be the best wife material. So progressive.

Ben says he loves to cook and that, “I’m no longer the bachelor, I’m the spatula.” Great dad joke.

Olivia continues to deliver more obnoxious soundbites about her delusions about Ben which I won’t bore you with. 

Ben observes that Jubilee doesn’t seem to be having a lot of fun. Probably because of her personality.

Another choice soundbite comes from JoJo, “Ben already tasted my taco, he loved it.” CRINGE.

The chef judges don’t seem very impressed with Ben and Olivia’s dish, comparing it to dog food.

Jubilee and Lauren “Lo” B.’s dish is the winner. Some nonsense about how their recipe needs to be included on the menu in the judge’s restaurant. 

Jubilee says that because she can cook she’s obviously ready to get married. Well, obvs.

At the group date cocktail party, Jubilee expresses to the audience that she is eager to get the first alone time with Ben but again is beaten to the punch by Olivia, who has absolutely zero shame. Why can’t any of these bitches beat her ever??! 

The producers’ build the tension but intercutting Jubilee’s struggles with the situation with clips of Ben kissing all the other girls. Classic Bachelor fare.

Lauren B. and Ben seem like their thing might be strongest at the moment. This could also be early editing trickery. We are seasoned viewers at this point and we’re on our toes.

Ben has to break the bad news to Jubilee that at this point in time he doesn’t think they have a future. Break-ups are hard after one date. Being a loser on a game show as well makes it even tougher. Luckily there’s a taxi waiting to take her away.

Jubilee is not the type of person who should have every signed up for the show, but this happens over and over again.

Ben has a cry cry on the steps after she leaves.

JoJo attempts to cheer him up and make him feel better with her lips.

In an upset bigger than Trump losing in Iowa last night, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose. Jaws can be heard dropping around the country. 

This pushes Emily Twin almost to the point of a psychotic break. No one is more bothered by Olivia than she is.

It’s a new day and Ben and Lauren H. have their date. For some reason it’s a fashion-themed date. 

Ben describes Lauren H. as having a sense of humor that has some “goofiness” to it. There is NOTHING worse than someone who can be described as goofy.

Lauren H. has never been to a fashion show, shocker, but she’s going to walk in a fashion show for Mexico City Fashion Week. She actually doesn’t look all that bad for her runway debut. Apart from the clothes.

Some tequila shots.

That night, over dinner, Lauren H. tells Ben that she had her heartbroken when her boyfriend of four years cheated on her with multiple girls, securing a place in Ben’s heart for her. 

I actually don’t mind Lauren H. but her Michigan accent keeps making me think of all the people on that Making a Murderer series.

I’m into JoJo’s dress for the rose ceremony. 

Going into the rose ceremony, sadly I feel that Leah, having not had any time with Ben at all, will be going home.

Unless the girls decide to tell Ben how awful Olivia is behind his back.

While the girls are sitting around talking, Amanda is discussing her custody arrangement with her ex-husband and Olivia chimes in with, “I just feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom I’m watching.”

Olivia is an idiot with the no filter. She realizes that her inside thought has become an outside one and regrets it immediately.

Emily Twin ends up being the one to bring up Olivia to Ben, with the series-old, “if you’re into her I can’t see how you would be into me,” dilemma and expresses that Olivia is a bully and manipulates all the girls.

Olivia somehow senses that Emily is talking about her and becomes enraged to the point where she goes to interrupt their conversation and gives Ben some ring to wear. This reminds me of when Nick Viall gave Kaitlyn matching promise rings for them to wear.

Ben, who’s no dummy, knows he needs to figure out who the real Olivia is. He asks Amanda to tell him what’s up as well, then tall Jen tells him her Olivia experience too. 

When Ben takes Olivia aside to talk to her before handing out the roses all the girls hope it’s because she’s getting the boot. But we’ll have to wait until next week to find out, but my prediction is she satys around another week for the drama. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Olivia Becomes Lace in Ten Ways to Lose a Guy.

It’s week four and the field, much like the contestants’ confidence and sanity, is narrowing.

Olivia is back to story A in this episode, and boy is she repetitive. The episode opens with Olivia, in her typical fashion, claiming Ben as her man, saying that she’s never felt so sure and that they’re amazing together. Nothing sadder than a one-sided relationship.

She’s that insecure girl that talks about how amaaaaaaaaazing her relationship is all the time to compensate for her feelings of insecurity about said relationship. We see this every day on Facebook and Instagram and no one’s falling for it.

Chris Harrison shows up at The Mansion to tell the girls they’re going to Vegas and in my opinion they’re way too excited. Most of all The Twins, who are hoping to show Ben around their hometown.

Ben reads some generic-sounding cue cards about Vegas to camera.

Once ensconced at their suite at the Aria, JoJo scores the first one-on-one date.

Olivia announces that, “Ben is her piece,” and that she’s, “Zen with Ben.” She’s the worst.

Ben and JoJo have a glass of champers on the roof awaiting their helicopter which lands and blows everything over, breaking the glasses, knocking the table over and ruining JoJo’s hair for the date. They recover from this small disaster by kissing while the chopper blades wreak havoc.

All the girls are conveniently able to watch them kiss from their room which triggers the beginning of things coming undone for Olivia. She really thought Ben was only making out with her.

Ben and JoJo clearly have sexual chemistry on their date, which is intercut with Olivia rambling about Ben. Olivia rambling is intercut with every scene, actually.

The group date card is read and Olivia’s name is on it, sending her into a deeper depression about not having the second one-on-one, which went to boring Becca.

Meanwhile, on their date, Ben talks about “moments” with JoJo and she opens up about her relationship baggage and the typical “trust” issues she’s lugging around like any normal, insecure 24-year-old.

Ben is way into her though, telling the camera he’s is falling for her. More kissing as fireworks go off from the rooftop of their hotel, while the rest of the girls look out over the Vegas strip, wishing those fireworks were for them.

Olivia continues her downward spiral.

The group date is a talent show led by Vegas “entertainer” and ventriloquist, Terry Fator, who shockingly, Caila is aware of and a fan of. RED FLAG.

We are treated to some marginal talent with The Twins doing a Riverdance and Jubilee playing the cello. Honestly, didn’t see that one coming.

Olivia is in full manic-mode as she prepares her Vegas showgirl number, saying crazy stuff like, “When I’m with him it’s bam shabam!” and just being a little too over-confident about her upcoming performance, saying, “Being able to shine has never been a problem for me.”

Her performance is as awkward and cringe-worthy as it could possibly be as she stomps about, her big feet shoeless. Everyone looks on in horror and when it’s over Ben pity-hugs her, the relief on his face palpable. The reaction shots from Ben and the girls watching are the highlight of the episode.

Post show, Olivia’s meltdown is in full-swing, as she has a “panic attack,” crying hysterically after she realizes how bad her performance was and the embarrassment sinks in. Olivia has zero sense of humor about herself and is painfully un-self aware so laughing this off is not in her tool box. She’s spiralling out of control as we all watch in glee.

Caila and Ben have the first alone time on the group date and she goes right for it, prompting Ben to call her a “tigress” and a “sex panther.” Ben is so asexual to me.

Olivia is still coming apart at the seams, she even looks unraveled and not as put-together as usual tonight. The wheels are definitely falling off.

Lauren H. is this season’s Whitney from Chris Soules’ season.

In one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on this show, and there have been hundreds, Ben uses a puppet to talk to the girls, a la Terry Fator. If I were any of these chicks I’d just leave right then and there. Seriously, what the hell is going on??

Olivia scurries over to Ben, desperate for him to give her confidence back to her but before she gets what she needs she’s interrupted by one of The Twins.

She joins the group of girls after speaking with Ben and immediately starts shovelling food into her mouth. The manic, emotional rollercoaster she’s on totally out of control at this point as we catch a glimpse of her yo-yo weight-comfort eating issues.

Lauren B. talks to Ben and seems almost too normal for this show.

Olivia comes back, like all really annoying things, and interrupts the Other Twin and Ben who does not seem like he’s stoked to see her again, asking her, “What is going on right now?” She’s become Lace and it’s terrifying.

Ben, who is a master class in putting insecure women at ease, comforts Olivia just enough that she’s instantly flying high again and back to thinking they’re getting married.

That is until Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

The next day Becca dons a sad wedding dress for her date, and Jubilee, who’s a huge hater, comments that, “it’s the perfect person to wear white.” A virgin joke, good one.

There’s a faux proposal and then a reveal they’ll actually be marrying other people. This date is all the way around tragic so I’m skipping the details.

Ben attempts to get to know Becca. She’s really pretty but a really dim bulb. He asks her if it’s been hard to stay a virgin and is impressed with her “commitment to God.” World’s most boring date.

After some tame kissing Ben decides that Becca is someone he could see himself with. Shocker.

Chris Harrison rocks up to the hotel suite to tell The Twins that Ben wants a double date with them. Didn’t see this coming. So many twists! Eye roll.

The best part of this show for me is always getting a look into these people’s homes and seeing their families and Hayley and Emily’s did not disappoint.

The mom is wearing ripped-up True Religion-style jeans and there’s small dogs everywhere and on the wall are large words hanging that say, “Live, Laugh, Love.” One twin has soft toys on her bed and the other still has framed pictures of her “ex-boyfriend” in her sad bedroom.

  

Emily kind of throws her sister under the bus by saying that she know Hayley’s having trouble opening up to Ben and the mom also explains that Emily is the dominant twin with all the personality and basically poor other one.

Ben leaves with Emily in tow, and Hayley crying on her bed. So sad. In reality he should’ve just left them both at home.

Back to the group date and tall Jen tries to get some time in with Ben but is promptly interrupted by Olivia, who has inexplicably brought some cake with her. She’s an actual idiot.

Olivia vomits out that she’s completely falling for Ben because she’s so desperate at this point. Ben is over it.

Olivia re-joins the girls and immediately tells JoJo that she told Ben she was falling for him. Crazy chicks always say too much.

Jubilee expresses her insecurity again about being “complicated” and Ben, again, eases her mind but this insecure stuff is getting old. Jubilee is so too hard basket.

Going into the rose ceremony, three of the favorites; JoJo, Becca and Lauren B. all have roses.

Olivia has now officially taken Lace’s place as the “crazy” girl, speaking about herself in the third person saying things like, “Olivia’s back” and, “Olivia is here to stay.” I wonder if someone has swapped her mood-stabilizer meds with a placebo?

Ben begins handing out roses to a comically dramatic score, intercut with Olivia saying things like, “I read a lot of romance novels where everything just comes together, that would be gigantor for me.” What the actual fuck?

Roses go to Amanda single mom, “Whitney” Lauren H., Jubilee stripper tattoos, the Twin, Caila “Sex Panther”, tall Jennifer (Olivia blurts out “seriously?” here), and Leah with the dark brows.

Final rose comes down to a choice between Amber, Rachel and Olivia with Olivia announcing that being the last means Ben’s sending her a message. Yes, girl.

Olivia gets that punitive last rose, and the message is clear to everyone but her, Ben is over you.

“Rachel, unemployed, Little Rock, Arkansas” starts to cry to a sad score and walks away in her hideous red carpet dress, not fully comprehending that she was never even in the race.

Amber takes her heels off and exits the scene, also in tears, then curls up on a pool lounger, crying and talking to herself about how she got hurt. Sad times.

The journey to find love is not an easy one. Buckle up!