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On the subject of public shaming, Wes The Fat Kid writes:
I need a ruling on who is the worst guy. Is it “doesn’t need gas but parks at the gas pump to get something from the mini-mart” guy or “leaves his shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot” guy?
I think both deserve to be castrated with a cheese grater and forever branded with a “I have no dick, but I am one” tattoo, but I don’t know which is worse.
Also, unrelated, but “Sent from my iPhone” guy sucks.
Ed: Excellent points, Wes. We’ve all had our low moments in life. Shopping at a mini-mart is certainly one of them. If you’re buying more windshield wiper fluid, fine. But if you’re going in the mini-mart to buy a bag of Doritos or an overpriced bottle of Gatorade’s evil cousin, Powerade, you are going down a troubled path. The quick answer is to say nobody should be shopping at a mini-mart. But, if you can’t resist the urge to get a premium package of lung darts or a bag of Famous Amos cookies, for god’s sake, park in the designated spots away from the pumps. Of course, that will lead to the ire of the guys trying to fill up their tires.
“Leaves his shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot” guy is a next-level kind of asshole. Unlike the pathetic sap shopping at mini-marts, this guy knowingly inconveniences others for no reason at all. Much like people who litter, shopping cart-abandoners assume there’s someone else lower on the food chain to take care of their mess. They have empty, joyless lives and, more likely than not, have micropenises. They daydream about being royalty with serfs at their disposal. To that, I say go be an actor at Medieval Times, fuckface.
Finally, the first thing every iPhone user should do is take the “Sent from my iPhone” disclaimer off their emails. The world doesn’t need to know who is using an iPhone. The world needs to know who isn’t using an iPhone. If you see “Sent from my Droid/Google Phone/Blackberry/etc.” proceed with extreme caution. These people are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
Brian: This is easy, it’s “leaves cart in the middle of the parking lot” guy. There is simply no worse feeling than seeing a prime position in the Costco lot between some tatted-up bro’s F-150 and a zaftig housewife’s Honda Odyssey, only to swing wide, crank the wheel and have to suddenly stomp the brake because some cunt (British usage) didn’t care enough about humanity to waddle his (or her) fat ass over to the cart corral after filling the family truckster with enough sodium and high fructose corn syrup to instantly stop a fully mature African elephant’s heart. And don’t give me that “it gives the cart kid something to do.” Those are the words the lazy and disgusting. Since when are you so worried about the job security of some zit-faced dork that didn’t have enough sense to get a gig that included tips and shot at sexing a morally-compromised hostess? I’m sure the manager couldn’t think of anything else for little Tommy to work on, and is incredible thankful that your wanker (British usage) parents raised a wanker kid (you). Put your goddamned cart back and let’s all pretend that we’re not one infant’s sneeze away from a butterfly effect resulting in full-blown anarchy.
As to mini mart guy, he’s an asshole but his life is garbage anyway. The only reason he pulls into the gas island is because he’s too filled with shame to have anyone know he’s actually there to grab a tall can of Bud Light and a handful of scratchers. With any luck he’ll be dead by the time he’s 50.
I’ve made it perfectly clear that I don’t associate with non-iPhone users, so I would agree that there should be some way to determine who’s NOT using an iPhone, but alas everyone who doesn’t use an iPhone quickly remedies that by telling you how much better their phone that’s bigger than my laptop is. For all the shit that Apple enthusiasts take, anti-Apple zealots are 10,000 times as douchey. Yes, I know your phone has a better camera. I’m aware that your keyboard is more intuitive. But you know what your phone is lacking? AN APPLE LOGO. Not to mention that Moses carried smaller tablets down the mountain. The thing is that while my iPhone doesn’t have the automatic email reply signature, if you handed me a $50,000 bill and my phone and told me I had an hour to remove that text again, I’m pretty sure that you’d be walking away laughing with your money 60 minutes later. People with the “Sent from my iPhone” sig aren’t bad guys, they’re just too clueless to sort it out. They’re basically your dad.
Still not content with Brian’s insistence that he uses a gym bag, theball7 writes:
…it’s hard to believe that a guy who seems more like the type, who when he says he hits the “Gym” at least once or twice a day, is actually referring to Jimmy Dean Sausages, you just don’t expect him to have made a financial investment in fitness based luggage…but that’s a John bag, not a Gym bag.
Ed: People who give their accessories first names should be avoided at all costs. One moment, you’re naming your bag John. The next, you’re spending your evenings at a smoky pool hall with your personalized stick, Christine, sipping light beer with overweight guys in rayon clothing.
Brian: Bigger indicator of eventually becoming a serial killer: murdering small animals as a child or owning your own pool cue?
Finally, ChrisM215 wants a battle breakdown:
Who wins in a fight: the current 100 U.S. Senators or the Utah Jazz?
Ed: As with any fight, we need to set-up some ground rules. I’m working under the assumption that no weapons are allowed. I’m also working under the assumption that the coaching staff is not allowed. That makes this a 100-on-15 fight, which means ten players are responsible for defeating seven senators by themselves. The other five are tasked with only six senators to dispatch.
The senate’s primary problem is that a quarter of them are at least septuagenarians. Seventy-seven year-old war hero John McCain will have to captain this group. Certainly their first order of business is to eliminate the smallest members of the Jazz. John Lucas, Trey Burke, Diante Garrett, and Ian Clark all are sub-190 pounders. Surely, the Arizona senator can devise a strategy to subdue those threats with the abundance of neckties the senators are already wearing.
The next target would have to be foreign-born, big men Enes Kanter and Rudy Gobert. A handful of politicians would have to distract the 6’11” Kanter long enough while others use eyeglass shards as some sort of shiv on his achilles. If WWII has taught us anything, it’s that once the Frenchman Gobert sees one of his contemporaries go down, he’ll roll over and assist the enemy in their efforts.
Next, the senate will have to size up 6’8” 268-pounder Derrick Favors…ah, let’s be honest. Despite their 25-57 record, the Jazz would annihilate the opposition in this fight. The real challenge will be just how long it would take them to administer the beat-down. I’m thinking about two and a half minutes.
Brian: All 100 senators? I feel like Barbara Boxer CA (D) and Diane Feinstein CA (D) could waste the Jazz fighting side-by-side each armed with only a soda can in a tube sock. For me to wager on the Jazz in any kind of competitive situation they’d need to first acquire a couple players I’d heard of, and based on Ed’s response to this question, they don’t currently have any of those.
Now if we were allowed to change the parameters and build a legacy team All-Madden style, I’ll take Jerry Sloan and his giant hands, riding Mark Eaton like a tauntaun vs. the toughest 100 senators you can find.
