The GOP finally held its first presidential debate, and if the next President of the United States is going to come from this group there’s a really good chance that he will have terrible hair.

Let’s see the final tally.

10.  Donald Trump

Sure, he’s an easy target, but there’s a reason for that. His haircut is equal parts absurd and offensive. Only a maniac would wear his hair in such a manner. Trump’s hair looks like he has a pet beaver that he keeps on top of his head, but it’s perpetually falling backwards off the front so it’s just gripping his scalp with its claws trying desperately to hold on while its ass hangs directly above the Donald’s eyebrows. This man is unstable and the proof is balancing precariously on his forehead. His campaign is slipping into the abyss, just like his bangs.

 

9.  Scott Walker

Sure, his personality falls on the scale somewhere between “hobo urine puddle” and “listless window slug,” but his hair tragedy makes him somehow unforgettable. This guy has a four-inch wide bald spot along his hair part, to which one might say “hey maybe do something to hide that, like perhaps part to the other side?” But ever the contrarian, Walker goes just the opposite. He’s like “what’s the best way to really accentuate this pasty white road stripe of baldness down the side of my head? I know, I’ll paint the hair I do still have with three quarts of Sherwin Williams gloss black house paint.” Scott Walker has terrible hair.

 

8.  Rand Paul

Rand Paul (who should be nicknamed “last name first, first name last”) is a smaller version of that kid you wanted to punch in the face in middle school. “Mr. Densmore, weren’t we supposed to have a quiz today?” Shut up, Rand. Unfortunately for Rand, America doesn’t elect dudes in wigs who are also 5’3”. Also, what kind of name is “Rand?” This weasel is rockin the hair system to end all systems. He appears to have gone with the Sy Sperling “I’m also a client” model. That’s the one that they strap over the bald part by using dental floss to sew a thick piece of 1977 polyester shag onto the side hair in the same way that you attach a Christmas tree to the top of your Camry for the ride home from Home Depot. This guy’s got no shot at being president, but he’s the odds on favorite to be the first celebrity endorser for Morrie’s Wigs.

 

7.  Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio seems like he’s doing ok hair-wise, but it’s all a facade. He’s actually losing his hair in the worst possible way, where it slowly falls out all over your head leaving the person looking like that sad schnauzer at the animal shelter that’s not going home with anyone because it’s got the mange. So he keeps what’s left of his lettuce stitched and glued together like a toothpick Chrysler Building in a precarious helmet that could crumble into a fine dust at any moment with too abrupt a head turn. Rubio’s hair is a perfect metaphor for his politics – dishonest. He sucks.

 

6.  Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee looks like he paid $6 for that haircut. He also looks like he tips the barber with a prayer card and keeps his hair in place with healthy drip of his very own salvation saliva. He sucks, so does his hair.

5.  Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz uses way too much hair product for a man in his 50s, and it looks like he styles it with one of those free combs that bloodied your scalp on third grade picture day. Also, his visage presents as very rodentian. Nobody’s voting for a gelled up rat, Ted.

4.  Chris Christie

Chris Christie looks like America in that he’s porcine, pre-diabetic and an impending burden to our already overloaded health care system. His name also sorta sounds like the newest childhood obesity gateway cereal from Kellog’s “Crisp Crispies, twice the sugar, none of the answers as to why your dad moved to Florida and your mom remarried some dude named Ron.” Crispy has his own hair, which is a plus, except he either doesn’t comb it or his chronic meat sweats destroy the Aquanet forcefield holding it together. Three minutes into the debate Christie’s hair island was spilling down his forehead like tallow down the loading chute of a rendering factory. Sorry Chris, no fatties in the White House.

 

3.  Ben Carson

Ben Carson wears a close cropped salt-and-pepper look. It works for him. He’s got enough hair that he could rock a solid mini-fro. Being African American gives him a serious advantage in the hair department, unfortunately hair alone wont be enough to overcome the profound disadvantage that comes with being a black republican. Sorry, Ben.

 

2. Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush has a solid head of grey hair, but he doesn’t have 10 percent as much charisma as his brother, who wasn’t exactly Will Rogers. His coif and his last name will carry him to the nomination and with a little luck he could be the third person in his family to turn the White House into the western House of Saud.

 

1. This Guy

Who is this guy? Is he the governor of Ohio? What’s his name? Does anyone know? Is he supposed to be here? Did he win a contest? Who cares? This guy has great hair. He’s got a full head of not too dark, not too grey white guy hair. His hairline is steadfast and hearty with nary a hint of recession, exactly what you need from the leader of the free world. Great hair, guy who’ll never be president.