Is Juan Pablo Galavis the Dumbest Bachelor Ever?

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I don’t think there’s any question that the answer is clearly yes. Sure, the ESL thing doesn’t exactly help his case, but let’s be honest, in any language Juan Pablo is an idiot.

I also think that the only plausible reason ABC and the producers of the show had to cast this guy, who is unbearably dull, was to capture the Latino demographic they must have been missing. Right? Or maybe they misjudged women swooning over his accent (myself not included). Either way he’s not smart.

Let’s be clear, I’m not saying he’s in the same league as a sociopath like Brad Womack, or a wee little lunatic like Jake Pavelka. Unlike his evil predecessors I think the tears that regularly pour from Juan Pablo’s dopey close-set eyes have some dopey guilt and possibly some dopey empathy attached.

It’s become clear after watching him in action over the last eight weeks that Juan Pablo Galavis is both stupid, in the drastically low-IQ sense, and a narcissist, in the “I’m on a reality show” sense.

Having questionable motives is certainly helpful, if not a requirement, for Bachelordom (has there ever been a contestant on either side of the fence who’s sole reason for entering this contest was to honestly find true love?) but it also helps to be stupid. This is about being in the spotlight. Lacking a solid grasp of basic logic or morality might just land you a huge, cheesy Neil Lane rock. Call it a bonus.

Juan Pablo is looking for a pay day as much as a nanny. He’s been called out for not paying child support and now he’s obviously trying to carve out a reality TV career, which he hopes includes a turn on Dancing With The Stars, not to mention those M&M ads. We all know dancing is his first real love. And no one said you have to be smart to be an opportunist.

Ever the dipshit, he admitted to Andi Dorfman’s dad during Monday night’s hometown dates episode that he had come on the show to find a good stepmom for his daughter. This is actually how stupid he is. Mr. Dorfman replied, ”Your decision first has to start with you and that person.” It had apparently never occurred to him that he should look to connect with a woman before deciding that she could function as a live-in babysitter and occasional dance partner. There are probably some cultural differences at play here, but essentially this guy is a huge moron.

It makes sense though. After all, the producers wouldn’t want some smarty asking questions or somehow discovering that he’s a contestant on what is clearly (if only to the audience) a heavily manipulated game show. When date cards arrive they’re not dictated by the Bachelor (I’d pay money to hear him read aloud from the phone book though) just as none of what happens on the dates is either. The show’s producers have more control over these budding “relationships” than they want the audience to know.  Although at this point, does anyone really give a shit? Is there a video montage somewhere of the winner of every season’s reaction upon learning that her new fiancée didn’t actually own that yacht?

It’s insane to believe that every season the Bachelor or Bachelorette in question has NO idea who he or she is going to propose to until the last episode. Unless you’re Desiree Hartsock and the person you’ve decided on bails in the final hour so you just propose to your second choice. “Hey, why not? I mean, we’ve come all this way, I may as well marry SOMEONE.”

Poor Renee Oteri was dragged through this process because they needed an underdog for the audience to root for. She was never going the distance but it made for better TV to keep her around, to get our hopes up that she could have a happily-ever-after to her sad-single-mom-looking-for-love story. But viewers are more savvy to the ways of The Bachelor now, no one was remotely fooled. With the possible exception of Renee, sadly. The one person who was actually there for the “right reasons.”

So Dumb Pablo is left after home-town dates with the three girls who were the front-runners from the start, but he’s in way over his head because they’re all smarter than him, which is like saying a monkey is smarter than your shoe. He’s said nothing of substance to any of these women throughout the entire season, while they’re sharing their stories and feelings and wanting to tell him they’ve fallen in love with him. This shallowness can only be explained away by his rudimentary grasp of the English language for so long though.

The fact is that this show would be impossible with a cast filled with smart people. Those people might realize that the best course of action might be to abstain from having intercourse with someone you stand a 33 percent chance of coupling with in the short term and a zero percent chance of coupling with in the long term. If this game show were to cast contestants that realized they were on a game show there would be no game show.

And while I doubt that anyone is going to need convincing, if you’re on the fence about JP’s dumbness you can always read his blog.