This week, the mailbag questions ranged from public shaming to bathroom etiquette to athletes who look like dinosaurs. But first, let’s take a moment to praise ourselves.

 

Dave Super Funny writes:

I can’t imagine how much work actually goes into making a weekly podcast. If you could give your listeners more than one per week that would be great. Or start sucking. No, don’t do that. I love the show. Keep it up. 

Ed: Thanks, Dave. You’re in luck. I think I can speak for Brian when I tell you we would be happy to record more than one podcast per week. All we need is one thing – money. If you would like become a sponsor, please let us know. In the absence of that, tell your friends to listen to the podcast. Listeners beget sponsors which means money which means Brian and I being able to get dope gold Baller Lifestyle medallions.

Brian: Hi Dave Super Funny, I’m Brian Super Lazy.

 

Wes the Fat Kid brings up the subject of bathroom etiquette:

Much like in the movie theater, unless it is completely unavoidable, you have to have a space between you and another bro in a public restroom, stall or otherwise.  Thoughts?

Also, unrelated, people who talk in the bathroom…bad guys, right?

Ed: It’s troubling to think there are people out there who still don’t know the rules: 1) maximum space between people at all times; 2) no talking whatsoever; 3) wash hands. But the bigger issues facing public restrooms are attendants and door construction.

Has anyone ever enjoyed opening the men’s room door and seeing some sad sack hovering over the sink with a stack of paper towels and breath mints? Why is this still a thing? It’s bad enough you have to expel bodily fluids outside of home base but now you have to pay some random guy in an ill-fitting tux or avoid eye contact while quickly washing your hands. If you have a bathroom attendant at your wedding reception, I’m cheering for a divorce.

Finally, I think it’s time to take a stand against people who design public buildings. Enough with the doors that open into the restroom. Nobody wants to touch that wet handle. And nobody wants to be forced to become McGuyver just to avoid touching said handle. All that needs to be done is make the doors open out so everyone can open the door with their feet, thus avoiding feeling like they need a Silkwood shower. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2Ec20v7wX8 Get on it, architects.

Brian: Bathroom etiquette dictates that you triangulate your position for maximum distance from every other dude in the john. As soon as you enter the restroom area your brain should go into full Terminator mode with a digital map of all the body heat in the room and a mathematically diagramed route to the urinal with the absolute furthest distance from any other living being. And unless you are a savage or a criminal or in the midst of a near-death hangover, it’s completely unallowable to drop anchor in any kind of communal restroom space.

As to the restroom attendant, I’ll happily sponsor a $60 round of drinks for relative strangers, but in a stare down with a bathroom attendant I turn into Seal Team Six and go with a stealth mode ninja crawl to the door to avoid giving that paper towel extortionist $1.

 

Doug Doran wants guys with the Mark Sanchez hairband to be shamed:

WTF is up with that guy?  I am seeing them more and more frequently and when I saw a dude at the gym the other day wearing one, that was it!  Besides a public shaming, shouldn’t they receive a beatdown?

Ed: I’m not advocating a beatdown of anyone but if a fracas involving this guy happens to occur, I’m most likely not stepping in. This guy and really any guy with creative hair (mullet, pony tail on top of the head, white guy dreads) of any kind should be avoided. It’s never a good thing when a guy tries too hard to cultivate a look. It’s ok to want longer hair but have some dignity. If Teen Wolf could perform athletically at a high level with all that hair and no strange hairband, no man should need one. The guy was covered in hair and averaged a good 70 points a game!

Brian: It used to be that the leather head strap steez was exclusively the domain of European soccer bros and now it’s somehow infiltrated its way into mainstream sports that people actually watch. If you want to rock a terrycloth headband like Cliff Robinson or Artis Gilmore, fine, because those have an athletic function and those guys were cool. But don the leather shoelace and who are you trying to be? Sasha Vujacic?

 

Finally, we got some terrible, decent, and great follow-up picks that were not chosen in the first Baller Lifestyle Draft. Here they are:

Round One: Choose a fictional action hero to babysit your children.

The big winner was Mark the Nomad who chose Leon: The Professional. Here’s his rationale:

He fits one of the main requirements of this category: He works on the cheap. This guy is basically a functioning invalid. He taught a 12-year-old girl all the tricks of the assassin game in exchange for teaching him how to read.  I know how to read. I teach for a living. I’ll teach him Algebra, Creative Writing, Chemistry…etc. The list is endless. I can have free childcare for teaching this poor bastard how to be a functioning adult.

Yeah, he’s socially awkward. Do you want a charmer watching your kids? I don’t. So what if he can’t wax poetic with the pizza guy when he rings the doorbell. He probably doesn’t tip. (I’m cool with that) and if the guy gives him any lip or gives your children an awkward glance he’s going to put a bullet right through the guys’ sunglasses.

Yes, it’s a bit strange that he taught a young girl how to be a cold-blooded killer, but the cache of action heroes with actual childcare experience is pretty slim.

Ed: An inspired pick by Mark. So much so that I left off the part where he admits he is attracted to 12-year old Natalie Portman. Take it easy, Mark. You don’t want people to know stuff like that. If so, your “teacher” status could be in serious jeopardy. If you had said Portman in Beautiful Girls, I’d be a little creeped out but would understand.

Brian: I felt kind of stupid for not picking Leon because he’s one of my all-time favorite badasses, but what’s up with his seemingly unchecked addiction to dairy products? The last thing I want is to leave my kid with a babysitter only to wake up the next morning fresh out of milk because Leon: The (childcare) Professional went on a lactose bender the night before. I know Leon can’t read and his roommate is an 11-year-old girl, but milk is a beverage for children and I don’t want mine to be deprived of it.

 

Round Two: Choose a pre-Civil War politician to compete in punt, pass and kick.

engineerhunter dug deep and came up with Xerxes I:

… dude had mad game tossing spears and kicking the severed heads of his minions who failed against those pesky Spartans

Ed: I like that you went 10,000 years before the Civil War to find your contestant.   What I can’t get on board with is the fact that one of the only known depictions of Xerxes is one in which he has someone holding an umbrella over his head. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xerxes_I   No way a diva like that wins an athletic competition.

Brian: I don’t know Xerxes because I never saw 300. #hetero

 

Round Five: Pick a TV mom you’d like to have sex with.

jhayes1985 came up with a real sleeper in Suzanne Somers from Step by Step:

when she was still in her prime and if she would fuck Patrick Duffy then my odds would be good

Ed: Somers was at her hottest as Chrissy Snow on 3’s Company but her Thighmaster-inspired hot mom comeback was a thing of beauty. As for your Patrick Duffy comment, let’s not forget he has been a regular in People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. I’m not entirely comfortable revealing why I know this fact.

Brian: She’s the Sherriff or GTFO.

 

Round Six: Choose a character from the greatest TV drama of all time, The Wire, to be your real life best friend.

DOUG DORAN redeems an alarming amount of people who responded that they didn’t watch The Wire with the pick of Bunk Moreland:

…he likes to drink and have fun, plus “I’m a humble motherfucker with a big dick, well, maybe I ain’t so humble”.

Ed: First of all, I never watched The Wire is not an acceptable answer. There are like five or six shows that every person should’ve watched. The Wire is one of them. I considered taking Bunk. He was a good dude and was always up for a beer and a ballgame. The downside is he strikes me as the kind of guy who would routinely piss or shit himself when you’re out drinking. That would get old pretty quick.

Brian: Bunk, while a good dude, like his buddy McNulty is a raging alcoholic. He would be a great friend right up until the 28^th time he vomited in your lap.

 

Round Seven: Select the achilles tendon of a fictional athlete that you would like to personally sever.

PAUL picks Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher from American Pie:

(he was a bitch)

Ed: Oz was pretty awful when you think about it. He ditched his lacrosse team in the state playoffs to go sing with Mena Suvari?!? Awful. For sure, he deserved an achilles slash.

Brian: Great selection. His rendition of Do You Believe in Magic might have been the douche-chillingest scene in cinematic history. Somebody should have done his tendon right then and there.

 

Round Eight: Assume you are incarcerated and a riot breaks out in the yard. Your only choice for survival is with the assistance of a character from 1970s or 1980s sitcom. Who are you taking?

Doug Doran and Paul went with Family Ties guys Nick and Steve Keaton.

Ed: Sorry, neither would fare too well in the gray-bar hotel. Nick was an eccentric artist. Steven was a pacifist. If you’re picking anyone from that show, it would have to be Jennifer. In the later years, she had a neck thicker than Takeo Spikes. I’m still comfortable with my pick of James Evans from Good Times but Jennifer Keaton would be a wrecking ball in a prison riot.

Brian: Nick was a slow adult. I’d take Mrs. Keaton over Mr. Keaton. I’m comfortable with my selection of the Fonz.

 

Round 12: Select a current athlete purely on the basis of dinosaur resemblance (Chris Bosh is exempt, obvious reasons).

Dave Super Funny points out the dinosauriest-looking guy outsided of Bosh wasn’t even taken – Rajon Rondo:

That guy is definitely a dinosaur. 

Ed: Definitely.

Brian: Definitely.

 

 

 

Several candidates for the “Worst Parts of the Best Movies” list were offered. Thanks for all that submitted. Here are the best of the batch.

 

 

Dan offers up Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers:

The biggest downer ever is Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers. First she wants perhaps the greatest shooter of all time to try for a math scholarship then she threatens to expose coach for punching a kid. Every minute she’s on screen makes me wish Norman Dale punched her instead of that kid.

Ed: Hershey’s omission on the list is an unforgivable one. She truly was awful. Her reasons for keeping Chitwood away from basketball were flimsy at best. Her kiss with Coach Dale was one of the grossest of all time. Living in a town with her is probably what drove Shooter to drink.

Brian: I’ll probably be ostracized for this, but I’ve never seen Hoosiers. I’m sure Barbara Hershey sucks though.

 

Bennie Blanco takes issue with a scene from Tombstone:

The horseback riding scene with Wyatt Earp and the stage actress played by Dana Delany was terrible; but Wyatt and the same lady dancing in the snow while the credits rolled was a horrifically terrible ending to a very enjoyable movie.

 

 

Ed: It would’ve been less painful to see Wyatt Earp gunned down in a hail of bullets than watching that atrocious dance scene with Josephine. When did Tombstone become Footloose? Also, who dances without music? Why is nobody staring at them? Are we supposed to believe people back then waltzed to no music during snowstorms? Good job by narrator Robert Mitchum pronouncing Los Angeles “Los Ang-el-lease” though.

Brian: “You called down the thunder. Well, now you‘ve got it!”  Sure, the dancing was curious to say the least, but let’s not lose sight of the bigger problem at hand here. Namely, why was Wyatt Earp chasing Josephine Marcus (portrayed by Dana Delany [b. 1956]), and forsaking Mattie Earp (portrayed by Dana Wheeler-Nicholson [b. 1960])? I think we can all agree that Mattie was hotter, not to mention wealthy as shit from the controlling interest in Boyd Aviation that her husband Alan Stanwyk tried to steal from her in Fletch. The point is this: Hollywood needs to stop trying to have us believe that dudes leave their wives for less hot chicks. It’s called “trading up.” Michael Douglas is not stepping out on Anne Archer with Glenn Close, and Scott Howard isn’t turning down a session with Pamela Wells for hoops in the driveway with Boof.

 

 

Bennie Blanco also brings up Days of Thunder:

While Days of Thunder had it’s own wet blanket of Nicole Kidman and features a scene where Cole and Roddy destroy rental cars on the beach for no real reason, nothing can top the terribleness of the film-ending running scene between Cole and Harry. The still shot of their creepy grins while they run is truly special.

Ed: Days of Thunder? Days of Thunder? This list is for bad scenes or people in great movies. Not bad scenes in bad Tom “I Run Really Weird” Cruise movies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJdMDvjfyQ0 Benny, I’m a little worried.

Brian: I’ve seen Days of Thunder (I think?), but I can’t say I remember the details. I’m pretty sure that’s the one where Tom Cruise (COLE TRICKLE) contracted Nicole Kidman to be his fake wife for exactly ten years fell in love with Nicole Kidman, which is kinda fun.

 

Shannon has one addition for Star Wars:

How about storm troopers’ armor? what good did that ever do any of them? Every hit, and they are down. Even against the Ewoks and their rocks.

Ed: It’s hard to believe the Empire was really trying. On one hand, they had the firepower to effortlessly blow up planets like Alderaan. On the other, they go down to Hoth and Endor with poorly-outfitted Stormtroopers to engage in land war. The only weaker nemesis from our lifetime is Glass Joe. http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/joe3.gif

Brian: I’ll be honest, I thought the stormtroopers were robots until like five years ago. It never occurred to me that those were dudes in suits. I’m not that smart.

 

Seth notes an especially bad part of Beverly Hills Cop:

I love when axel throws one of victor’s goons on the buffet table. If you pause it at the right spot Eddie Murphy becomes a huge dude with an Afro and a mustache.

Ed: Wow!

Brian: Double wow.

 

Finally, one last submission for the “who needs public shaming” list from Alex:

A dude at the library I’m chilling at just hit one of those damn-near digital, vaporizers. What do you think about that? Fucking gross.

Ed: Yes, technology can go too far. Digital vaporizers and E-cigs are sad on so many levels. First of all, is there any doubt that E-cigs will be the subject of a scathing 60 Minutes investigation in the next year? None, right? Say what you want about tobacco but at least part of it comes from the earth. Inhaling nothing but chemicals seems like a bad, bad decision – like Jerry-Lewis-playing-a-clown-in-a-concentration-camp bad decision.

Second, is there anything less cool than a product endorsed by Steven Dorf? Think of how many rejections Blu had to get before settling on the third guy on the call list from a 1998 Wesley Snipes vampire movie.

Finally, nothing says “I have no self-control” more than the E-cig. If you can’t handle a trip to the library without becoming a major distraction, you’re probably horribly insecure. Sorry mom never said “I love you” at bedtime, chief.

And, Alex, please expand on this “library” you speak of? Are you referring to the place where homeless guys masturbate?

Brian: I don’t think there’s anyone that needs more shame than E-Cig Guy. When did it become acceptable to walk around in public with your lips wrapped around a big chrome dick?

 

 

Donald Sterling is a racist. Russell Wilson is getting a divorce. Will the Dallas Cowboys take Johnny Manziel in the NFL Draft? Some guy pushed his kid off a skateboard ramp. And FanceePop: George Clooney is engaged. Does his prenup have a hair removal clause?