Trouble in Dramadise

We pick up right where we left off last week, with JJ taunting Joe. I think JJ wants Joe to punch him so he’ll get kicked off the show but Jared, in typical Jared fashion, tells JJ to back off. 

Joe then throws Samantha under the bus in an interview, saying that she was complicit in the whole plan as well and knew what Joe was going to do to get a rose. Let those true colors fly, bro.

JJ tells Juelia he’s considering giving her his rose so she can stick around but she says no, that she would rather he took a chance on love even though she really, really appreciates it. She really does want that rose though, I bet.

Juelia is hysterically crying some more because it’s her last night, telling the audience how she knows what a great wife she’ll make and what a great catch she is. Anyone who says this out loud during a breakdown is not okay. Where is the on-set therapist??

Samantha tells Joe she’s done hearing about the drama between him and Juelia and that she doesn’t think the “connection” Juelia and Joe supposedly had was much of a connection anyway, she wants to squash it because she’s not about drama and she just wants to enjoy herself. Sam is all about Sam and she loooooooves the word “drama.”

It’s rose ceremony time with ten girls and seven guys. Let’s see who’s bouncing.

Juelia continues to be a victim, saying that she gave her rose to the wrong guy last time so now she’ll be going home. Yeah, that’s how this game show works! I mean I feel bad that she wasted her time with a loser but that happens in real life as well. Learn from your mistakes, girl. Maybe figure out how you were so easily fooled and work on that instead?

Joe confesses to the group that he had reached out to Samantha on Instagram and they had had some small talk, but that’s it. Tanner reacts to this, saying that he’s not telling the whole truth about the extent of the contact, confronting Sam and basically calling her out without saying he seen the text message she sent to Joe, telling her that he thinks she’s lying. Sam has a great poker face and maintains her side of the story. But also like, so what?

Ashley I. continues to be obsessed with Jared’s bone structure that she thinks for some reason is amazing? She and Jared have another awkward interaction where they say nothing then Jared kisses her. This isn’t going to end well.

JJ feels like he has to pick between Megan and Juelia for the rose. 

In a very produced moment, Juelia goes and finds Chris Harrison to talk to him about finding a way for herself to stay that doesn’t include someone giving her a sympathy rose. She asks him if there’s any way they can bring back Mikey T., desperate move. This is really grasping at straws, and does Mikey T. really want to be sloppy seconds? You bet he does!
Juelia is such a sad sack, wet rag she cannot stop talking about what has happened to her. She gave her a rose to the wrong guy she just needs to deal with it. Like let’s be real, more of have given more than just a rose to the wrong guy before. 

In the big upset of the night, JJ gives his rose not to Megan, not to Juelia but to Ashley S., who we have never even seen him have a conversation with. JJ justifies his decision by saying that Juelia told him not to give her his rose and he obviously wasn’t feeling it enough with Megan so he decided to save Ashley S. 

Then JJ gives everyone a speech about how he broke up with someone to come here and every day is reminded of how what he left behind is what he’s looking for and that he’s leaving paradise. I’m so bummed because he’s by far the most entertaining person on the show.

In an emotional interview, JJ says he hopes people learned that he’s multidimensional and basically that he’s just an awesome guy. Also, that he did the right thing by everyone and stayed true to himself and that he found himself on the show.

Captain Save-a-Hoe, Dan, asks Chris Harrison if he can talk to Carly before handing out his rose. For some reason everyone, including Dan, thinks Dan should give his rose to Juelia instead of a girl he might actually be into – Amber, who is hot and maybe a match for him personality-wise. 

Dan gives his rose to sexy Amber, and I’m temporarily relieved we no longer have to see Juelia’s sad face anymore.

On her way out, Clare says if they had just chosen her for The Bachelorette, she would’ve found husband by now. Clare claims that this is her retirement from Bachelor in Paradise. Do we believe her? Sad to see Clare go, to be honest.

Joe couldn’t be happier that Juelia is leaving but because people want a happy ending, as Juelia is leaving a car pulls up with Mikey T. in it and they are reunited. These two could actually be perfect for each other.

Joe is super annoyed that Juelia gets to stay, which is great. Joe says that he’s very happy that Juelia is back and then, when asked why he doesn’t look happy says, “my face never looks happy.” He’s having to really try to control his anger reflex right now.

After the rose ceremony, Tanner gets a date card and asks his TV girlfriend, Jade to go with him. These two are the Marcus and Lacey of this season, so boring. 

They take off in a private plane, where for some reason Jade is popping the champagne for Tanner instead of the other was around.

After a flight and a car ride they end up in the town of Tequila where they do some boring tequila-related stuff. So not worth all the travel.

Meanwhile back at the villa, Joe is totally smitten with Sam, who is clearly way out of his league.

Nick from Ashley’s season and Bachelor Pad season 3 arrives and announces to Chris Harrison that he’s interested in meeting Samantha. Of course he is. I think we’re all starting to see how this show works. Nick looks like a cast member from Survivor.

Nick announces that he doesn’t have a problem stealing someone’s woman, saying that he and Samantha, who he describes as a “smoke show,”  had spoken about paradise and that they were both looking forward to spending time with each other. The plot thickens.

Nick asks Sam on his date and they go to have a chat away from the group about it. Joe tries to play it cool but you can tell that he wants to smash something so badly.

Nick and Sam rejoin the group where she gives him her answer that, no she won’t go on the date with him. Nick is shocked. 

Mikey T. and his hypotheses are back and he says that he thinks Sam wants to go out with Nick but is staying with Joe out of guilt because she’s backed herself into a corner at this point. I might agree with him. 

After being filled in on the Joe-Sam-Juelia situation, Nick asks Ashley S. on his date. This should be interesting. 

When their boat ride to a nearby island is canceled due to a hurricane off the coast, Nick and Ashley S. decide to settle in and start drinking. Sounds like a plan. A very bad plan, considering Ashley S. is much more unstable-seeming on alcohol. 

Back to the show’s most boring couple, Tanner and Jade. Tanner says he’s falling for Jade and can’t imagine spending a day without her. They have a key for a room to spend some extra “alone time” together. Tanner is excited to take their relationship to the next level, get closer and just have a nice romantic night. Snore.

For some reason Nick and Ashley S. decide to do multiple, back-to-back shots of tequila. I’m so worried about the way Ashley S. is when she’s drunk that I can almost can’t watch this. I also feel like the producers are really mean and irresponsible for this segment, knowing what would transpire.

After a couples tequila massage, Ashley S. has that dead look in her eyes she gets when she’s had a few drinks. 

Then in the worst bit to top all worst bits, Ashley S. is massaging Nick and laughing to herself, intercut with a crow in a tree squawking and some text on the screen as if the bird is telling her to, “oil up the fruits,”  “touch the fruits,”  “grab a handful,” “look he’s right for the picking,” and “eat the fruit,” intercut with shots of Nick’s crotch.

 

Nick says that he likes Ashley S. and thinks she’s hot but she’s also a little “out there,” and he’s not quite sure what to make of her yet. I’m cringing.

The massage turns into standing up and making out. Then they get in a hot tub and pop some more champagne. By this point Ashley is hammered so they interview her and she of course makes no sense and looks crazy, when really she’s just had too much to drink. This is awful.

I find this whole scene so uncomfortable to watch, and really exploitative, with Ashley so drunk in the hot tub she can barely keep herself upright and trying to make another toast before yet another tequila shot which doesn’t make sense.

Sitting on the edge of their bed in their “alone time” suite, Tanner tells Jade he’s ready to be Facebook official, saying, “I’m falling for you, Jade, and I want to call you my girlfriend.” So high school. 

It’s the next morning and Joe and Sam are talking on a daybed, Joe’s saying he knows Sam is out of his league and that a girl like that doesn’t end up with a guy like him, his insecurity is really attractive.

He asks her if there’s anyone else there that she wants to go on a date with and she says no when she’s secretly kicking herself for turning Nick down.

Joe keeps badgering Sam, asking her if there’s anything she wants to tell him and saying that he feels like she’s a little bit different today. This is the actual worst thing you can do when you feel someone’s a bit distant you’ve just started hanging out with. Joe is needy though and can’t help himself.

And then Samantha, feeling a bit suffocated by Joe, starts to backtrack away from him. He follows her to her room and asks her again what’s wrong and she says that she’s finding it hard that everyone’s making him out to be not a good guy and she’s confused.

This is the part where Joe gets a taste of his own medicine and it’s so great.

Cut to the next day and Jared is in the pool talking to Joshua and Mikey about his feelings for Ashley I., which he admits are not really there. He knows it’s time to break things off with her.

Ashley I. is getting ready over her SUITCASE of makeup, talking about how she thinks she and Jared are going to be having a little “at home date tonight.” Little does she know.

Jared tells Ashely I. that he wants her to “explore paradise” including exploring things with other guys, to which she tells him, “that’s not going to happen.” You can’t get rid of a girl like Ashley I. that easily.

At least Jared is doing the decent thing by not leading her on just to get a rose I guess.

Ashley I., by this point, is crying and Jared says that he thinks part of the reason he can’t get into it with her is because he still has feelings for Kaitlyn. Ugh, get over it already, dude.

Jared walks away leaving Ashley I. bawling on a daybed. Then she’s in an interview, where the crying is more intense and her words are incomprehensible, mascara is everywhere. I listened to one part about 18 times and deciphered that she’s saying, “I’m going to be alone forever because every guy I like doesn’t like me back.” I mean, yeah.

Ashley I. then calls Kaitlyn and says, “what the fuck did you do to Jared!? He’s OBSESSED with you.” Girl, he’s just trying to let you down easy.

It’s a new day in paradise and looks like we’ve missed some action which is recapped for us. I’ll recap the recap: Joe had planned a birthday celebration for himself and Samantha but Samantha had broken up with him before he’d even cut the cake. 

Joe is now reeling from what has just happened considering she was the one that told him to do whatever it took to get a rose and stick around until she arrived. Samantha is now being villainized for dating someone and then deciding she wasn’t that into it and wanted to date other guys, which is totally normal. Is she a nice person, debatable. Does playing the game make you a bad person, not in my book. 

Ashley I. sits down with Joe to commiserate about their sad situations. Joe seems pretty nonplussed by Ashley’s emotions and tells her that he’s sorry he’s not a very emotional guy. Joe is a huge weirdo in general.

Somehow, in this weird other universe that is Paradise, Ashley I. has convinced herself that Jared is God’s gift to women and she’ll never get over him and will compare every other guy she ever meets to him. It’s insanity.

Mikey T. gets the date card and hits up Juelia, she’s all over it. Everyone cheers because, Juelia.

Mikey spends the rest of the morning hair spraying his hair.

In an ironically strange turn of events Joe is now being framed as the victim of Sam. He can’t take the rejection and is emotionally a child so he lashes out, threatening to show everyone the text messages she sent him before she arrived. Sam did her best to let Joe down gently but he’s so emotionally unstable things didn’t quite go as Sam wanted. 

Kirk and Carly do some sunset fishing which she seems really excited about, despite the fact she can barely cast a rod. These dorks seem compatible. I wonder if Carly’s overuse of the word “freaking” will be less endearing once they leave paradise? 

Juelia and Mikey land in Guadalajara and instead of one of many romantic clichés, they go to watch some Mexican wrestling, the opposite of sexy or romantic. This is a fun date if you’re a 10-year-old boy but Mikey announces that it was such a great date it can’t be topped. What are the odds Mikey would be a wrestling fan?

They open their fantasy suite envelope which honestly seems a little bit soon, I mean this is their first date and are we even sure Mikey’s not a virgin? I can’t imagine anyone sexing him.

Juelia asked him if he would be uncomfortable sharing a room and he replies, “no because I’m a man,” because he thinks that’s what he should say. Juelia is so desperate she’s okay with hooking up with this meathead man-child on the first date.

They choose to spend the night together in a room which Juelia announces is amazing but in reality is anything but.

The next morning Juelia does her interview with actual JBF hair. The couple say they kept it classy, though.

Back at the villa, Ashley I. still hasn’t fixed her one acrylic nail that’s been off for the last two weeks. This is clearly why Jared really broke up with her. Fix yo nail, girl!

Joe has stooped to getting dating advice from Ashley I., which is how you know things are really bad. He tries out the technique she suggested but falls flat with Sam, more humiliation sandwich for Joe. 

In walks Justin and his big lips from Kaitlyn’s season, Joe’s buddy. He predictably hits on Sam whom he describes as a “great conversator” and asks her on his date.

Joe has a tantrum over-and-over again about how he should never pick the prettiest girl to go after and is generally feeling sorry for himself, just like a big baby. I think his days are numbered, as in one.

Rose Before Bros

We pick up where we left off with Clare having a meltdown outside during the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison consoling/telling her to get her shit together. I just heard that Chris Harrsion gets paid $100,000 per episode to do this. Let that sink in. I also feel like he knows Clare is ripe for the picking, should he so desire.

Clare is a huge attention seeker. She’s crying because Jared dumped her and now she doesn’t know who to give her rose to. She should give it to herself and then make an inspirational Instagram post about how loving yourself first is so important.

Side note: Clare blocked me on Instagram a while ago.

The guys, mostly Tanner, are nervous that Clare is going to bounce before she gives out a rose, which Tanner proclaims would be a “bitch move.” Tanner is shaping up to be such a tool. 

Why isn’t somebody giving Claire a Xanax is my question? 

Chris Harrison tells Clare that she’s only been there for two weeks and she hasn’t really given it a chance yet. Good point. Clare says that she doesn’t quit things easily – third time with this franchise is a charm – and re-joins the rose ceremony.

Cutaway to Ashley I. who is of course reveling in Clare’s fake meltdown saying that, at 34-years-old, she probably feels pathetic being there. It’s hard to comprehend how this chick thinks she’s in a position to throw shade at anyone. But then again, that’s what makes her so great.

Ashley I. gives her a rose to Jared, further twisting the knife into Clare’s side. Clare chooses JJ, which is a good choice for her.

Poor Juelia gets up and gives her a rose to actual hillbilly sociopath Joe, saying that she thinks that what she and Joe have is real. Real BS. 

Mikey T., Jonathan and Michael G. all go home with Mikey, the big dumb dumb, feeling very confused about what just happened. Tenley really blew it by choosing Joshua over Michael, her picker is clearly broken.

In their respective interviews, Juelia talks some more about how she believes Joe is being totally honest and is there for her while Joe says he just need to survive tonight’s rose ceremony to see if Samantha arrives, also coining the phrase, “rose before bros,” referring to his manipulation of Jonathan and Mikey T.

Everything about Juelia is sad – her manky hair, her sad story which includes a husband who committed suicide, leaving her a single mother of a toddler, her thinking this show was a good place to find a new husband, her desperation, the way Joe is blatantly playing her and her lack of intuition.

The first new arrival the next day is of course, Samantha. She tells Chris Harrison that she thinks Joe is cute that she usually goes for bad boys so she’s staying away from that now. Not for long though!

All these chicks claim they’re “best friends” with each other and in another sad turn of events, Juelia says that Samantha and she were best friends on their season of The Bachelor. 

Sam immediately picks Joe for her date without even talking to any of the other girls, which I think should be part of the rules – you don’t get to find out who’s into who, you just pick blind.

Joe lies about having talked to Samantha before the show when Jared asks him, which will fuel the drama for the next three hours of television.

Joe and Samantha walk up to the group, including Juelia, ready for their date, holding hands which is pretty fucked up and says a lot about these gross people. Sam has been filled in by Joe that he had been hanging out with Juelia prior to her arriving so it’s not like she didn’t know, although Joe plays his part in it down like the true asshole he is.

Juelia, rightly so, feels disrespected and her feelings are hurt. The problem is she never stops talking about it and just makes things worse for herself. Here’s the part where you suck it up, realize you badly misjudged someone and they weren’t actually worth your time and hold your head high, look around, and find someone else to flirt with. Move on.

Joe and Sam’s date is a lame photo shoot with the executive editor of People magazine about hot bodies or something. So gimmicky, so lame, so photoshopped.

Joe makes some jokes about his “dad bod” and there’s lots of not sexy poses that are meant to be sexy. Note to the editors of People magazine, there’s nothing sexy about something trying to be overtly sexy.

Juelia says “awkward” the way an 8-year-old does when Joe and Samantha return from their date, Samantha holding a bouquet of roses. Juelia has been on exactly one date with Joe and is acting like he broke up with her after months for another girl. 

Jared tells Joe he needs to talk to Juelia and Joe says he doesn’t want to have to stop his post-amazing first date glow to talk to some “Debbie downer.” He’s a piece of work, telling Jared that maybe he’s trying to “vill.” Yes, you heard it right, he used the the abbreviated vill from villain as a verb as coined by Clint when he said “villains gonna vill,” on The Bachelorette.

Joe says he doesn’t get what the big deal is if he was playing Juelia or not to get a rose because, “this isn’t church camp.” He goes and talks to Juelia but is a complete dick and offers no apology because he’s completely devoid of compassion.

Yet another dumb anthropomorphism bit with Clare and that raccoon some animal wrangler’s had to bring down especially. What is funny about this? Please, someone tell me.

Cut to Jade and Carly talking about the sexual chemistry they have with their guys and Carly expressing her want to sex Kirk, telling Jade that she’s super horny for him. Gross.

Kirk says that he knows Carly wants to sleep with him but he doesn’t know if he’s ready yet, he’s just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want to move too fast. I’m okay with this. You do you, Kirk.

Ashley S. says she’s falling in love with Dan Cox, which means they’ll be breaking up soon. Ashley S. is fascinating to me, I want to know what is going on with her. She says she’s totally smitten and that marriage is on the table. Huh?

Cut to Dan Cox chatting with Jade, telling her that a couple of nights ago Ashley was emotional and acting out of character and he found it very taxing and has a low tolerance for that kind of thing. Well yeah buddy, all guys do. Girls who can’t handle their alcohol are super annoying/scary.

Dan says that he wants to keep his options open now. Everyone should be doing this! Later he talks to Ashley S. and tries to put the breaks on their relationship, which Ash doesn’t take very well. There’s never any easy way to deliver rejection to someone who’s really into you.

Carly and Kirk are on their date when she tells him that her brother got married today and that she had missed his wedding to be in paradise. Sounds normal.

Kirk decides to push away his fears and embrace his feelings for Carly as some cheap Mexican fireworks explode overhead. The cool thing about Paradise is that the budget can afford for everyone to get fireworks on their dates.

Kirk does a total 360 and suggests he and Carly get a hotel room for the night, they go to the hotel reception and Kirk asks for “one fantasy suite.” So corny.

Another new cast member, Megan from Chris’ season, arrives that evening wearing some Sombrero that she bought in town when she was “lost.” These side-plots are so stupid. No, you weren’t lost, you had a camera crew following you around.

Dan Cox is all over Megan immediately, revealing in an interview that Megan was one of the people he was interested in meeting here, and busts out and unfunny joke to impress her. Dan Cox is as dull as dishwater.

Kirk says his night with Carly was “super sexy, hot, on fire!” He then said Carly blew him away and that she’s “like a pinball machine.” What does that even mean?!? 

It’s the morning and Megan has to decide between Dan Cox and JJ for her date. She wakes up sleeping JJ to ask him and he accepts. All I can think of is JJ’s morning breath.

Megan announces that she’s a “southern belle” and will only accept exactly what she deserves. This is a huge red flag, like someone telling Facebook they’re “done with negativity.” Uh huh. She also says that every one of her boyfriends has cheated on her so she’s not looking for another douchebag. Also a red flag.

Ashley S. says some weird stuff about her chakras all being in line and that she’ll fight for Dan Cox. I don’t want to make jokes about her mental health because that’s no joke, but is she off her meds? 

The rest of the show is consumed with people starting to wonder whether Joe and Sam had something going on before Paradise. It comes to light that Joe showed Tanner a text message from Sam while he was there and it’s obvious Sam and Joe were planning their rendezvous all along.

Juelia still can’t come to grips with the fact that Joe is a liar.

Meanwhile there is a lot of gross, sexual, making out going on in the hot tub with Joe and Samantha. I’m so grossed out by these two I can barely watch. Also, I would never get in that hot tub again if I was the other cast members.

Joe thinks everybody’s being “little bitches,” worrying about what he’s up to and whether he’s played Juelia or not. Now that Mikey’s left, Dan Cox has stepped into the role of Right Reasons Police and he’s going to sort Joe out. 

Dan Cox decides to confront Joe and make him talk to Juelia. No one seems to get that Joe couldn’t give less fucks about the situation with Juelia. And to be honest, I’m kind of over it too. The girl got played. Was it nice? No. But this is a GAME SHOW and that’s what happens. Have other people given one person a rose one week then turned their attentions to someone else the next? Totally. Is Juelia a huge victim that won’t shut up? Yes.

Juelia tells Joe that she’s going to tell Samantha what went down, at which point Joe starts to squirm and tries hard to dig up an apology for her but can’t quite do it. He’s worried about the potential of losing the chance to sex the hottest girl he’ll ever get to.

Samantha, Juelia and Jade all go and sit down to talk and fill Samantha in on what happened between Juelia and Joe, Juelia pretending that she’s telling Sam what happened with Joe because she doesn’t want the same thing to happen to her, which is a bit disingenuous. She’s jealous and wants Sam to know that Joe’s a dick because she doesn’t want Joe and Sam to be together, which is fair enough. I’d want to ruin Joe’s game too. 

Samantha doesn’t want to hear it though, she’s not interested in how Juelia feels or that she feels wronged by Joe because she’s on “cloud nine.” She says that Joe should be there to defend himself. This bitch. At this point I’d get up and walk away and let them have each other. Joe and Samantha are the same person and they deserve each other.

Like Joe is about rose before bros, Sammy is about bros before hoes. 

What feels like two weeks later and we are still talking about Joe’s scheme, except now it’s Tanner and Jared deciding to take matters into their own hands and let everyone know that Samantha was in on the scheming as well. 

Joe and Samantha try to have a private conversation to get their story straight before Joe goes into his interview, somehow forgetting that they’re mic’d up. Sam coaching Joe what to say based on what she’s told the producers. Then Sam realizes that she’s left the door open and closes it on the camera, but it’s too late by this point, we’ve heard everything! 

The last arrival is Amber from Chris’s season, and ironically, Ashley S. seems particularly happy to see her. Not for long though when Amber picks Dan Cox, of course, for her date.

JJ and Megan go on their date. JJ says that he is stoked to be there with Megan even though they’re “different intellectually,” every time he looks at her he thinks she’s gorgeous and he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes as well as her “other assets.” JJ is now my favorite guy by a mile.

Amber admits that she’s had a crush on Dan Cox since she saw him on Desiree’s season. Ash is in tears as they leave on their date, feeling discarded and hurt. Some of the other cast members start alluding to Ashley S. being a bit nuts again, after thinking she seemed normal at first.

Amber is too cute and has too much personality for Dan Cox but they have a make out session after dinner anyway. 

That night, Tanner, JJ and Jared try to gang up on Joe again and make him admit what he was up to. They’re obsessed with calling him out. I mean I get it, Joe is super arrogant and thinks he’s pulled one over on everyone, but these guys are a bit too into it.

Joe ends up telling Jared to “shut the fuck up” and things get heated with JJ calling out to Joe, who’s down on the beach now, “let’s go!” JJ then says he’s “going to make him look like the hillbilly he is because he’s gong to go home with about four missing fucking teeth.” I love JJ.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Where There are Tears There’s an Ashley or a Clare

This week it’s the women’s turn to hand out the roses. The dynamic is fascinating when the tables are turned and the men no longer have the power. Not surprisingly they all start to behave in a way that could be described as very “female.” Yes, they all behave like chicks wanting to be picked by a guy.

The show opens with Tenley giving a speech after the rose ceremony about how she really believes in this process. This is Tenley’s week, she kills it. Not bad for an “old” broad.

Lauren is still complaining about how she hates this because she has a bad attitude and doesn’t like anybody. Lauren is an annoying princess, she’s the worst and she’s ruining her sister’s game.

Later, Lauren reveals to Tanner and Dan that she has someone back home that she’s “super into” and that he’s not her boyfriend she’s just “so in love with him she can’t think about anything.” Then she goes on to further say that she is kind of the “mistress” but he’s not married. This is probably completely normal in Jersey.

This news travels fast.

Lauren then starts crying about it in her interviews as well with her long, gross, beige acrylic nails. She’s just as emotionally unstable as her sister.

It comes up that Lauren wants Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season to show up. That really dumb welder guy you say? Yes, him. Then the sisters talk about how Joshua is 32 and how Lauren could start having babies with him right away. What the actual fuck? This is the kind of crazy you don’t want any part of if you’re a guy.

Next thing you know Joshua and his leg tattoo come walking down the stairs. Tenley is into it, as is Clare. Ashley I. immediately takes Joshua aside and tells him he should invite Lauren on the date, always a bad move. Lauren is not Joshua’s speed though, which is parked.

JJ let’s us know that he really doesn’t like Joshua which reads as he’s threatened by his arrival, he has the date card and he could ask Tenley out, which of course he does.

In one of many great sound bites from JJ this episode, he says that “giving Josh the date card is like giving the nuclear codes to an insane asylum, it doesn’t end well,” and, “giving Josh the date card is like putting a grenade in a dude with no arms’ mouth.”

Lauren starts crying that Joshua didn’t ask her and says, “I don’t know why the world is so awful to me.” The I. sisters take being victims to a whole new level.

Then we see Lauren dragging her luggage across the sand for some inexplicable reason, while Ashley I. watches her leave, crying hysterically from an upper balcony.

That night, while everyone is chilling at the villa, Dinosaur Joe from Kaitlyn’s season arrives. The “single” girls are all excited, but not for long. On the main franchise of The Bachelor, people’s full personalities are often hidden, but in Paradise they are free to be their awful selves. It’s what makes this show and it’s Lord of the Flies vibe so great.

Clare is immediately all over him, describing his arrival as “very, very refreshing,” which is a very Clare thing to say. She’s such an idiot. She then laughs a little too loudly as Joe mis-pronounces mañana when reading his date card.

Clare is in her intense “notice me,” trying-too-hard mode, saying that on paper Joe seems like the perfect guy for her, he’s a “very funny, awesome, cool guy.” So many daddy issues. Clare is here for love and she will find it, beat it over the head and drag it into her cave to hold it hostage forever if she has to.

There are now seven girls and nine guys, so two guys will be going home this week.

Joe immediately starts behaving like the psychotic weirdo he is, making everything awkward and having a go at Clare – the person who was the most into him, bringing up in front of everyone that this is not Clare’s “first rodeo.” This of course causes extremely emotionally fragile Clare to start crying.

The whole bit with Clare supposedly talking to the raccoon when she’s talking to a producer outside is really dumb. Please make it stop.

Joe asks the small group he’s talking to who wants to go horseback riding and Juelia puts up her hand. I guess she’s not that into little Jonathan after all. Then Joe pretends he didn’t ask her for real so everyone is confused.

Juelia is rocking some puka shell double-strand headband situation. She needs a lesson with her mascara too. Poor Juelia though, this is not her week.

Josh and Tenley go on their date into town. They make a perfect daggy couple, they have no style and they’re both huge dorks. Joshua tells Tenley about how he did drama in high school and then in college, the exact kind of information you should keep secret on a first date.

There’s also talk about how Tenley worked for Tokyo Disney and Josh makes a comment about it being Chinese. They both laugh and do another shot of cheap tequila.

Then Tenley starts checking out Joshua’s huge hands and tells him that his hands are “amazing.” Cringe. Joshua also has zero personality, but this is not discussed.

Tenley is already talking about having a future with him forever, I think this is a symptom of being really into Disney princesses, which she is.

There are more tequila shots, really bad dancing and making out, all to JJ’s voice over about how Josh has no shot with Tenley. JJ hasn’t and never will learn that his cockiness is always mis-placed. Josh makes some weird comments on the dance floor, as if he might be on drugs. More on that later.

When they get back to the villa from their date, a drunk JJ drags Tenley off and lays a kiss on her. Tenley is so unused to all this attention she forgets to push him off her, giggling like a school girl.

After JJ goes to bed, Tenley is spotted making out with Joshua again, this is the first “scandalous” behavior of the season so far and I say good for her. Keep your options open, girl.

The next day we are back to Juelia and her story – she’s a single mom who’s made the very difficult choice to leave her daughter to hopefully find love. It’s hard not to judge her choices at this point.

Jonathan clocks Joe as using Juelia to get a rose so he can stay around. He’s right, but no match for the game Joe’s running.

In my favorite sub-plot of the night, Joshua, in a sad attempt to sound cool and impress people, tells a story about taking the drug “molly,” AKA ecstasy, one time in Vegas and tells Jared and Ashley I. about a place in LA that sells coconuts with Molly in them. Um, where exactly is this place? Asking for a friend. It’s edited in a way to make it sound like Josh is reeeeaaally into taking Molly and getting his party on. I don’t buy it. He’s taken it a few times, tops.

Ashley I. says in her interview that Joshua is talking about drugs and molly which is a “weird hallucinogen which makes you all high and dancey.” It’s clear that none of these people have ever taken Molly, or maybe any drug, in their dull lives.

Mikey T. takes it upon himself to tell Tenley about Josh’s drug use because he is the self-anointed “Right Reasons Police.” Tenley, being the simpleton she is, is all freaked out now, thinking she’s repeating her “pattern” again with choosing the wrong guy and starts to spiral. No one can cope with anythings on this goddamn show!

Cut to Joe and Juelia’s date. Poor Juelia is really hoping to make a genuine connection with Joe who couldn’t be more insincere. Her hopefulness makes me sad when it becomes clear Joe is using her and has ulterior motives.

The next morning JJ hilariously continues to claim, “I’m not jealous at all,” when he’s clearly extremely jealous, continuing to talk a lot of shit about Joshua and where he’s from, which is Idaho, so that part is understandable. I’m starting to come around on JJ, he’s pretty entertaining.

Tenley confronts Joshua about his “lifestyle,” Joshua of course has a perfectly reasonable explanation about a bachelor party and trying molly one time and not being super into it. So glad that is all cleared up and Joshua’s not a molly addict after all.

Carly, for all her other faults, is the only one with kind of a sense of humor, I have to give her that. She’s quick to pick up on Joe’s not-into-Juelia vibe, too.

Next up is Mikey and Clare’s dramatic break up. Dan Cox tries to tell Mikey that he heard from a couple of the girls that Clare’s not feeling him. Mikey won’t believe it though, it doesn’t compute in his steroided-out brain.

They were only dating in Mikey’s head and the humiliation of rejection is more than meathead Mikey’s ego can take. He acts like a bitch for the next few days, being a dick to Clare, which sends her off the deep end again.

That night, Juelia delivers the, “I’m just not that into you” speech to Jonathan, basically telling him that she doesn’t feel romantic vibes towards him. Juelia’s hair is looking particularly ratchet, like JBF hair.

Joe is caught off camera talking to one of the producers about Juelia saying, “she’s not that smart is she?” He also reveals his true intentions – to meet and hook up with Samantha when she arrives – and displays more of his vile behavior including letting a huge fart rip. Joe is pretty base.

Poor Juelia is a really bad judge of character and has no real intuition. Joe has clearly avoided her since they got back from their date where he was all over her. This is a classic example of how people can read into things that aren’t there because they want to believe.

Meanwhile the Clare/Ashley I./Jared love triangle continues to bloom with Clare trying to figure out how she can maneuver her way into his sights and Ashley I. saying that Jared is her dream man and is literally everything that she’s ever wanted in a guy. Jared, the restaurant manager from Rhode Island with sharp features and gross, patchy facial hair, not much personality and that accent, who’s possibly still in love with Kaitlyn. Seriously? This proves my theory that hook-ups on vacation are never choices you’d consider in real life.

Around the beach bonfire that night Clare and Jared are getting cozy. When Jared asks Clare on his date she is over excited and Ashely I. begins to immediately unravel because she can’t handle rejection at all. The production psychologist really has her hands full here.

Delusional Mikey is sulking that his bro has swooped in to ask his girl Clare out, telling Jared that if he wants to date a girl that’s eight years older than him that’s his prerogative. All the age shaming of the women on this show is extremely weird and gross.

Mikey thinks because he’s been unsuccessfully pursuing Clare from the get-go, that he has some rights to her and no one else is allowed to come near her because he’s a big, dumb meathead. He adds that where he’s from, in real life if that had happened in front of his face he would’ve beat the shit out of Jared. ‘Roid talk.

Kirk says that Mikey’s wedding vision board is ruined now. Hahahahahahaha. Kirk is the ginge who’s coupled-up with Carly, in case you’d forgotten.

The next morning Clare and Jared go on their sailing date and she uses all her favorite adjectives like “amazing” and “gorgeous.” Clare is a wealth of basic phrases and Instagram hashtags.

  Meanwhile, back at the villa, Ashley I. is talking shit about Clare, calling her a “massive cougar.”

Mikey continues to be a bitch and shit talk about Clare, he just can’t believe she wasn’t into him. Also, he has his hair in a little pony tail on top of his head and he’s wondering what happened??

Clare and Jared are at the bungee jump portion of their date where Clare screams nonstop like an idiot. Jared kissed her before they jumped though, so now she’s in love and planning their wedding.

Mispronunciation alert: Ashley S. says that she saw Juelia when she got back from her date and she was just so “mitten.”

Joshua has his shirt off to reveal all his horrendous tattoos. The molly was going to be a deal breaker for Tenley but those tatts aren’t?!?

Ashely I. cries some more when Clare returns from her date, bragging in typical Clare fashion about how awesome it was.

 

Michael G. shows up to add to the already large pool of guys. He reveals he has his sights set on Tenley, saying, “Her name might be Tenley but to me she’s an elevenly.” He immediately asks her on his date.

All the guys are threatened by Michael G., mostly because he has a college education and an actual career, which they’ve heard chicks are into.

In a desperate move, Mikey makes a slightly rape-y play for Juelia, trying to force a kiss on her on the beach with she’s so not into. Mikey can’t read situations, has no game and should just go home, he sucks.

Michael G. and Tenley’s date is a table set up in shallow water so they have to take their shoes off and have their feet wet throughout their entire dinner which sounds horrendous. This is followed by a 100 person Mariachi band, pretty much my worst nightmare.

Clare, who buys buys all her accessories at her namesake “Claire’s,” is getting dumped again, this time by Jared who is just not that into her, or apparently their 8 year age difference. Jared is a huge wuss and goes running straight to crazy, Ashley I., who he’s also not that into.

It’s the night of the Rose ceremony and Mikey T uses the term, “power couples, ” when surveying the scene. He’s referring to boring, coupled-up Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S. and Dan Cox.

Jonathan, in a red pants and vest combo, tells Juelia that Joe isn’t there for the right reasons. She’s skeptical though until Mikey, The Right Reasons Police, says the same thing to her.

Joe continues to play Juelia really hard, kissing her and pretending that he’s into her, assuaging her fears. Then a few minutes later he’s caught on camera talking to a producer about how he wants to beat up Jonathan and Mikey. Joe’s deranged anger issues are now on full display.

After a man-to-man talk with Mikey, Joe tells the producer that he made Mikey has bitch. He then goes and does the same thing to Jonathan, who ends up having a full breakdown in the bathroom, with psycho Joe comforting him. Joe is shaping up to be the best villain we’ve seen on this franchise so far.

Jared comes back to Ashley I. after breaking up with Clare and tells her he wants to get to know her better then they kiss, afterwards Ashley telling him, “you do that just as well as you did with Kaitlyn.” This bitch really knows how to ruin a moment. They kiss again and she tells him, “good job.” It’s now clear how she’s still a virgin at 26.

Clare is starting to unravel for real now, she gives everyone one of her epic speeches while breaking down. She’s an epic attention seeker but even Jade’s not buying it and calls her out. Clare replies with the most Clare response of, “if the shoe fits wear it.” Nobody knows what the hell she means.

Tenley, faced with three suitors this week, gives her rose to Joshua, affirming for him his decision to get all those awful tattoos. Michael G. can’t believe it and frankly, neither can JJ. They both feel like they’re in some bizarro world. As JJ said, the princess in the Disney movie doesn’t go off with the blacksmith.

Clare’s voice over continues over the whole rose ceremony, with her talking about not knowing what to do with her rose seeing as she has no romantic connection with anyone, then all of a sudden she abruptly leaves the group and goes outside in tears, Chris Harrison in tow.

Chris Harrison tells Clare to pull her self together.

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

BACK IN PARADISE BUT NOT FOR LONG

The show opens with a barefoot Chris Harrison being corny as usual with comments like, “toes in the sand, cold drink in the hand.” This is going to be great.

Here are the arrivals person by person:

Jade: She arrives first and immediately becomes the hottest female commodity. Guys think she’s hot, and they all may or may not have Googled her and are in Playmate conquer mode. Guys are simple, which is perfect because Jade is simple too.

Jared: Next arrival is Jared who has brought along his bad, patchy goatee and is wearing some sweet dad loafers.

Tenley: Tenley and her weird baby voice arrive and after surveying the scene she comments that all the guys seem really classy. She wants to know “is that fair?” about Ashley I. bringing her sort-of-hot sister, Lauren.

Carly: Carly was a hater on her season of The Bachelor (Chris’ season not “Chris’s,” ABC) and is a hater here, she’s super pissed that Ashley has brought her sister too.

Jonathan: Jonathan and all his tats are here. Jonathan who is like 31 or something has filed for bankruptcy. He also has a kid. He says that he has been with sisters at the same time before and it was “pretty amazing.” Then he brags that he’s had a couple of virgins as well and, “it’s a lot of fun but a bit of work.” What. A. Creeper.

Ashley I.: As mentioned, Ashley I. turns up with her sister Lauren and is apparently, still a virgin. As they all arrive they cluster around an outside bar hitting the cocktails and Ashley requests a “Sex on The Beach” which is the most basic cocktail you can order. I predict about three of these before she starts crying.

Ashley announces that she is the pickiest princess and has to hold out for her Aladdin. Also, she’s dead serious. She then says that she and Lauren aren’t into meatheads, they’re into athletes though and there’s a difference, really?

Ashley tells Lauren that she’s into Jared and this becomes the bane of her existence. She can’t talk to him though because she’s so emotionally retarded.

Cue constant tears.

Lauren I.: Ashley’s tragic sister who is a self-proclaimed, “not a virgin.” She’s the first to start drunk-girl crying later that night.

Tanner: Immediately has his eye on Jade upon arrival, like everyone else.

Mikey: The first thing out of Mikey’s mouth is, “I’m the epitome of an alpha male,” followed by, “I can get you all jacked like me in a month!” Mikey is a huge, dumb meathead who immediately gravitates to Lauren I. Mikey asks the sisters, “what happens if you’re into the same guy?” To which Ashley replies that she makes out with them and Lauren says, “and I finish them off.” Wow.

Mikey T. is the first person to get his shirt off but leaves his long pants and belt on to scoop Lauren up for a bit of flirtatious chitchat. Before too long they’ve stripped down for a swim so Mikey can get handsy in the ocean.

Juelia: Juelia greets everyone with what are definitely the biggest fake cans so far. Juelia also has a kid and hits it off with single dad and huge creeper, Jonathan. They’re coupled up by the end of the second episode.

Kirk: The only ginger arrives and Carly announces that he’s “freaking cute” and he’s wearing plaid and she loves plaid. He takes a liking to Carly, much to everyone alive’s shock.

Dan: Dan Cox arrives, he’s wearing a beard which I thought was a weird choice for Paradise but maybe easier not to have to shave? Dan Cox and Ashely S. pair up pretty quickly.

Jillian: Alpha female Jillian arrives wearing only a neon bathing suit because her ass was so sexualized on her season of The Bachelor that now it’s become a dumb gag to black out her ass. I feel bad for her. She also has a new boob job but they look more like pecs. Jonathan continues to be gross by saying he wanted to take a bite out of Jillian when he sees her and her yellow bikini.

JJ: Jade says she hopes there’s no douche bags and then enter JJ in his pink slacks. JJ is my fave male cast member. JJ is also shown in his pink tank top a lot. I feel like JJ will be a late bloomer on this season.

Ashley S.: May be unwell but more likely just acting, Ashley S. is the last girl to arrive. For now. Kirk says he expected an inability to “conversate” from Ashley S. but she seems surprisingly normal, for now, apart from being really into the parrots they have caged there.

After the arrivals Chris Harrison tells the guys that they’ll be giving out the first rose so they have the power this week. In a perverted twist he also informs everyone that if somebody extends a rose to one of the I. sisters, both will be staying. This seems like something the sisters might have negotiated beforehand. Either way it’s dumb.

After the break Chris Harrison officiates Marcus and Lacey from last season’s fake wedding for ratings in front of the new season’s cast and a few family members. So basically in front of a group of strangers. The whole thing is daggy and depressing on top of being made up.

Marcus and Lacey are the perfect basic couple to represent “love” to all the basics watching as though this is real.

The first night in paradise is a booze-fueled pool party where every guy tries to hit on Jade.

Lauren, 24, and a hot mess, is the first to start crying. She’s clearly had one too many margaritas and tells her sister that some of the girls are old and will do whatever because they’re old, like Juelia and Tenley.

Ashley I. announces that she’s only into Jared because he has “perfect eyes, a perfect nose and perfect lips.” She’s such an idiot, it’s great.

At least they have a decent sized pool the season, unlike the hot tub-sized HPV pool from last season that looked all murky.

Kirk and Carly couple-up like teenagers. Kirk can’t tell she wants him to kiss her so she has to initiate the first kiss, which is a bit emasculating. He’s either kind of a pussy or didn’t think he was that into her. Time will tell but for now they seem pretty into each other. I predict this doesn’t last though.

Carly announces that this kiss was one of the best of her life. I have a feeling she hasn’t kissed many sober guys.

Mikey is a huge idiot. He honestly thinks he has tons of options because he’s just that dumb. Meanwhile he has no options.

Later that night, around the beach bonfire, Ashley I. tells everyone that she’s not really into princesses and the whole Cinderella thing and that Jasmine, from the Disney movie Aladdin, is her princess. She’s such a moron.

When Jade asks Jared if he still has feelings for Kaitlyn he basically says he does, like the wet rag he is. He’s a really nice wet rag, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Ashley I. watches Jade and Jared talking on the moonlit beach from the cabana and is freaking out and starts bawling, her ugly cry face is back and so is her maniacal crazy drunk girl laugh-crying.

The next day the first date card arrives and Ashley I’s name is on it. She immediately starts obsessing about asking Jared. Her fear of rejection is so text-book it’s almost funny. Why she thinks a show like this is a good idea for her is a bit puzzling. She’s crying at the thought of having to ask Jared in case he doesn’t want to go with her while her sister tries to help her blend in her foundation she’s applied badly from the entire suitcase of makeup she’s brought along.

Jared does not look pumped that he might be asked but of course he accepts her invitation in front of the entire group and off they go. Ashley says that she thinks Jared looks like Aladdin and she’s totally in love with him before the end of the date.

Back at the villa, Tanner announces that he is also interested in Jade and the next date card has Jade’s name on it, but of course.

Jade says that it’s kind of a toss-up between Tanner and Jared for her at this point but rather than go for sloppy seconds and take Jared after he’s just been out with Ashley I, she asks Tanner. This is a defining moment I feel like, because Jared was also into Jade and now it might be too late for them to pursue their mutual interest,

Tanner lets Jade know that he thinks her Playboy spread is awesome and he doesn’t judge her for it. These two are so boring together but also a perfect couple.  At one point he holds her hand and tells her that he’s interested in having something with her and she leans in for a kiss. Tanner has more game than we all thought.

Jade suggest they have a dip in their underwear in the dirty Mexican river nearby which they’re definitely going to catch a disease or parasite from. Tanner asks Jade if she’s “still a wild mustang?” My guess is he’s hoping yes.

For some unexplained reason Ashley S. is carted off in an ambulance with Dan Cox in tow. She comes back hours later as if nothing happened.

Late entry, queen of the basic bitches and actual idiot, Clare Crawley and her bad hair extensions make their entrance. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Clare is the only Paradise veteran, having an unsuccessful turn on last season. But she’s back to find love, because she’s literally got nothing else going on but is extremely pleased with herself anyway. She let’s the viewers know she’s not afraid to “ruffle any feathers” either.

Clare conveniently announces that she’d like to get to know Tanner, Kirk and Jared – the three guys who are semi-coupled up.

Mikey is the reject at this point but he basically asks Clare to ask him on the date. She accepts, she’s not quite ready to rock the boat, she’s played this game before and maybe she learned a thing or two.

Their date is some gross tantric couples yoga and Clare hopes she doesn’t have to “rub privies” with Mikey on their first date. Me too.

Later, Clare basically tells Mikey that they don’t have anything going on and she still wants to talk and meet other people. He immediately wants to kiss her after hearing this and thinks she’s super into him. He’s not real smart.

Ashley S. gets the next date card and chooses Dan Cox. They kiss. Snore.

It’s now the night of the first rose ceremony and each guy can give one girl a rose, leaving one girl to go home.

This is the part of the show where the most maneuvering happens, as everyone is desperate to get a rose or as Ashley I. puts it, “claim my stake.” Ashley I. tries hard to pin down Jared but he’s not giving her much.

Ashley and Lauren are the biggest wet rags of all the girls. Lauren announces that Juelia, Jade and Jillian all have fake tits and that everyone is “old.”

Jillian and Tenley are both trying to work JJ for a rose with Tenley making a power move and telling JJ he could kiss her to see if they had chemistry. Tenley isn’t fucking around, let’s not forget that she won Bachelor Pad one season, she’s in it to win it.

JJ does chooses Tenley over manly Jillian and her new boobs which she takes home.

In a shocking twist, Jared tells Clare that if she doesn’t have a rose when it’s his turn to pick, he’ll give her his. Whaaaaaaaaa?!

Mikey gives Clare a rose so Jared is free to give his to Ashley I., securing her equally awful sister in the process.