Bachelor in Paradise Recap: The Finale

Shakedown in Paradise.

This week opens with Jared and Ashley I. starting their “alone time date” with talk of “popping” champagne and Ashley asking if she should put a cherry in the glass. So many cool innuendos. 

Jared has put a lot of effort into his look tonight, wearing his uniform of khaki cargo shorts and a bad white T-shirt. He’s just so basic.
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Ashley I. talks a lot about the possibility losing her virginity tonight and that, “hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot.” She’s 26.

Mikey T. lets us know that he needs to talk to Juelia and let her know that he’s not feeling a romantic vibe with her. As much of a meathead as Mikey is, he says all the right things in the right way. Juelia of course breaks down in tears because she’s so desperate for a relationship, any relationship.

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Carly says that, “it just sucks because she came here to find what me and Jade have found.” There will be A LOT of Carly foreshadowing during the next three hours.

Juelia packs her bags and leaves paradise, six weeks overdue.

Jaclyn, with her vintage stripper vibe, asks Justin on her date and he accepts.
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Cassandra, from Juan Pablo’s season, is the next arrival. Dan Cox describes her as “unbelievably gorgeous.” Justin also thinks she’s “gorgeous.” She has pretty long hair, too. Apparently all these guys have eyes, which is cool. Not a whole lot of talk about womens’ personalities on this show, unless it’s negative.

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Of course Cassandra is interested in Justin and picks him for her date. Justin tells Cassandra that he’s been asked on a date by Jaclyn but if he had a choice between going on a date with her or Jaclyn, he would rather go with her. 

Justin tells Jaclyn that he doesn’t want to go with her because he wants to go with Cassandra. Obviously this is pretty lame but in this contrived situation you just have to roll with the punches and keep your pride. Justin and Cassandra seem about equally matched IQ-wise anyway.

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Jaclyn then has to go back to the girls and tell them she got passed over. She rips into Justin a bit in her interview about how he’s shorter than Cassandra and wearing flats for life is not not her thing. 

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Justin goes back to Cassandra to tell her that Jaclyn is “totally cool” about it. 

Dan Cox and Mikey T. sit around debating about whether Ashley I.’s virginity has been “taken,” with Mikey saying that “the person who does that is going to get murdered in their sleep.” 

Ashley I. and Jared return from their overnight date and are being pretty coy, not wanting to give anything away just yet. Everyone is staring at them trying to figure it out. It seems like a no to me.

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Cassandra and Justin leave for their date and Jaclyn is still annoyed. She says that someone like Justin rejecting her in the “real world” would never happen and that she just wishes he’d been “a bit more honest.” How much more honest could he have been? Should he have said that Cassandra has pretty hair and is way hotter than you? Girls are always talking about how they want guys to be “honest” but in reality that’s the opposite of what they want. 

Jaclyn is also feeling bad because no one has come to talk to her, knowing that she has a date card to use still. 

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Up walks Nick, who had previously eliminated Jaclyn from the finals of Bachelor Pad series 3 and walked away with $250,000. There’s a grudge.

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Jaclyn decides she wants Nick to beg for the date card and has him roll around in the sand, pretending he’s doing a sexy photo shoot. I would have thought of something WAY more humiliating than that, just saying.

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Justin and Cassandra, two really boring people, go on a horseback riding date together. Justin is already referring to Cassandra as “sweet, funny, and really considerate” after knowing her for half an hour.

Cassandra takes her top off while riding the horse and we go into a objectification mini-montage. Girls are just pretty things to look at, after all.

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Justin and Cassandra really bond over being parents and romanticizing how great it is having a kid. This would be a lot more real if they were talking about how hard being a parent is and what assholes kids can be 95 percent of the time.

Cassandra says she’s been looking for a guy like Justin forever, and that she feels very lucky after only being in paradise for a day and possibly finding love. Being simple must be so great. The word “refreshing” is used multiple times on this date. 

Back at the Villa, Nick asks Samantha to go with him. No idea what’s happened to Sam and Dan Cox since last week since she gave him her rose, it’s not even discussed.

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Carly still dislikes Sam and talks a lot of shit about her to Jade, or anyone who’ll listen.Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 12.27.23 PMScreen Shot 2015-09-09 at 12.27.48 PM

That night, Jared confirms that nothing happened in the “fantasy suite” with Ashley I. and that it just confirmed to him that his feelings are not as strong as hers and feels like their relationship is not going anywhere. Meanwhile, she has announced that she is in love with him.

Jared breaks up with Ashley I. for at least the third time, telling her that he thinks he’s going to leave paradise tonight. I mean, she had to have seen this coming but either way she’s learned a hard lesson that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try.

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Ashley I. is wearing a tank top that says “I’m a Kim,” (as in Kim Kardashian, her hero) on it, which could have something to do with why she’s being dumped right now. 

One day she’s going to be so embarrassed about thinking Jared was The One.

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Carly, empathizing with Ashley I., says that “coming on here and liking a guy who doesn’t like you back freaking sucks.” This is more of the foreshadowing I was talking about.

On their boring dinner date, Nick and Sam are treated to a special multi-course dinner, made by a chef who claims she has flown in especially to make them this meal from Mexico City. Nick pronounces ecstatic as ‘estatic.’

Nick is such a creeper. He’s constantly winking at Sam while she giggles fakely back at him. I just feel like this is all so awkward and there’s no way she’s really feeling him but Nick continues to sell Sam how pretty she is while she alludes to the fact that she has no idea what is going to happen, then she leans in and kisses Nick who is looking very confused. So bizarre.

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Sam is not into the kissing, almost almost cringing during it.

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Lots of Carly talking about how she pictures her future with Kirk their children running around etc. 

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Everyone shows up for the rose ceremony, and this week the guys are handing out the roses. Chris Harrison drops a bomb and lets everyone know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, so no last minute wheeling and dealing.

Smug Tanner announces that about half of the people should just go home tonight. 

Ashley I. tells everyone that she’ll be leaving tonight, announcing that she “grew up” in paradise. She cries hysterically in the car over Jared as she leaves.

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Nick gives his rose to Sam. Justin gives his rose to Cassandra. Dan Cox gives a speech when it’s his turn to hand out the rose, saying he hadn’t found love and was going home. Thank God.

Mikey T. gives his rose randomly to McKenzie but she says she thinks it’s time for her to go home and won’t be accepting the rose. Mikey decides he’ll also be going home and not giving out his rose either.  Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 12.34.13 PMScreen Shot 2015-09-09 at 12.33.54 PM

Chelsie, Jaclyn, Ashley S. and Amber make an exit. Five couples remain.

Chris Harrison shows up the next morning and announces there will be no more new arrivals and that each couple gets a romantic fantasy suite date today. 

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All these boring bros – Justin, Kirk, Tanner, Nick and Joshua, sit around discussing the fantasy suite dates. Kirk announces that he’s very “in his head” right now with annoying Carly. After that cruise ship song number following the rose ceremony though, who could blame him?

Kirk,wearing an orange tank top to complement his ginger complexion, tells the bros that he’s been having some doubts over the past week and that he can’t do it to her anymore and needs to have a talk with Carly. The dudes all look pretty shocked.

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Kirk takes Carly away from the other girls for a chat on the beach and she asks jokingly if he’s breaking up with her. Eek.

Carly, sadly, has not realized that she and Kirk are not quite on the same page, maybe not even the same book, she really believes that Kirk is her “person” and that she is the luckiest girl in the world. 

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Kirk is just another emotionally immature idiot who is not in touch with his feelings but tried to pretend he was. As annoying as Carly is, I feel bad for her in this moment. People who pretend to be something they’re not are not cool.

Carly starts freaking out and saying she wants to go home and that she can’t talk to him, she’s going to throw up, it’s very dramatic.

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Kirk goes back to the group of bros and says, “I don’t know what even happened I feel like I just got punched and walked away from,” as if he’s the victim here.

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Smug Tanner does not agree with what Kirk’s done.

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Carly’s girls, Jade and Tenley, rally around her as she packs her bag while crying hysterically and saying she hates Kirk. Fair enough. Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.10.09 PMScreen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.10.25 PM Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.09.42 PM

Kirk comes up to the room to try and talk to Carly but she takes the only power she has now, which is to deny Kirk the conversation he wants to have. Bye, Felicia.

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Kirk also pack his things to leave and cries in the car as he drives away. 

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We see a montage of the guys getting ready for their dates and each one talking about how they feel about their respective girl.

Tenley, an earlyy adopter of Vision Boards, is pensively jotting down things in her notebook to try and help herself figure out how she feels about Joshua like, “living inspired” and “whimsical attachment.” Is she #blessed or #notblessed? Only the Universe knows.

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Cassandra declines the fantasy suite portion of the date with Justin. I mean they JUST met.

Tenley talks to Joshua, who has all the gel in his hair tonight, and decides that she wants to give their relationship a real chance after paradise. I feel like this is a bait and switch. 
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They retire to the fantasy suite for some “alone time.”Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.22.57 PM

Tanner tells basic dag, Jade, he loves her and she tells him she loves him too. These two are perfect together. They spend the night together and presumably consummate their nauseating relationship. 

The next morning, Jade and Tanner snuggle in bed in their robes – the universal sign that they boned.

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Back at the Villa, Chris Harrison gathers the couples around and tells them again to have a good hard think about the relationships because, “there’s nothing worse than an empty promise.”

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I really don’t understand what all the freaking out on the last day is about. Like I know Chris Harrison’s telling you you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with these people now, but you actually don’t. 

First up on the Rose Platform are Justin and Cassandra. She accepts his rose.

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Next up are Nick and Sam. Nick is dressed like an IT consultant but wearing flip-flops. I’m shocked that Sam continues the ruse and accepts Nick’s rose.

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Sam says that Nick was the one the whole time and just took a little bit to see that. Suuuuuuuuuure.

Tenley ends up telling Joshua she doesn’t think that they should try to make the relationship work after they leave. Poor Joshua, he cries some big dopey tears on the way out. Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.24.29 PMScreen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.24.54 PMScreen Shot 2015-09-09 at 1.26.25 PM

Tanner gets down on one knee and gives Jade some bootleg ring, not even Neil Lane! The two most boring people on the show decide to become one boring person.
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#Janner is born and the world is now a worse place.

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