Hometown dates: Four girls, one dull dude and lots of crazy

The first awkward hometown date with Amanda is in Laguna Beach, even though she lives about 30 minutes inland in the daggy suburban enclave of Rancho Santa Margarita. Home of hideous, matching, side-by-side, faux-mediterranean tract-style houses.

Ben meets Amanda’s brats who are dressed in identical outfits with identical hairdos. Already pretty weird. It’s like she’s trying to trick him into thinking there’s just one kid.

They’re also wearing mini gladiator sandals which is basically child abuse.

My two-cents here, from personal experience, is you have to be ALL THE WAY IN to want to take on someone else’s kids. So unless you’re the “prize,” AKA The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, you’re not picking the person with baggage. You’re just not.

After a day that involves crying toddlers in a minivan it’s pretty clear Ben is all the way out.

Next stop is Portland to meet Lauren B.’s family. This is by far the best date of the four and Lauren’s family seem the most relatively normal and likeable.

They go to the Whiskey “Libary,” as Lauren calls it, where Ben probably orders a Jack and Coke.

Later, with her family, Ben tears up talking to Lauren’s sister about how lucky he feels. He then rests his head on Lauren’s hot sister’s shoulder. Another reason he’ll pick Lauren.

Lauren tells her sister that she thinks Ben is her “person,” one of the cringiest things you can say.

Next stop is Hudson, Ohio to meet crazy Caila’s family. Wow are we in for a treat here.

First off she takes him to her “special bench” where they have a special kiss, like they’re 14. Her “special bench” isn’t even a bench, by the way. It’s a swing.

Then she takes him to her dad’s toy factory where they build a plastic toy house replica of their future marital abode. I don’t even know what’s happening.

Finally Ben meets Caila’s parents. Her Filipino mom has adult braces and her brother’s a little kid (accident). When we meet Caila’s dad, who I’m fairly creeped out by, the whole toy factory thing makes sense.

After some very awkward conversations, including one where Caila’s dad is uses the term “microwave fame” to Ben and some talk with a strong Christian vibe about how marriage is a commitment for life, Ben escapes.

Next stop is Dallas to meet JoJo’s fam and the whole thing seems cooked to me, starting with the tragic long-stem red roses and letter from her ex-boyfriend, begging her to get back together with him, followed by lots of pacing around talking to herself, crying and finally a phone call to Chad just as Ben is arriving.

JoJo’s brothers are creepily over-excited to see her when she and Ben arrive at their parents’ house. Also, they’re huge weirdos.

After lots of awkward and confrontational conversations in different rooms of the house, JoJo’s oldest brother calls Ben out for brainwashing the women and not having the same feelings for JoJo as she does for him. I mean he’s right but that’s how this thing works.

Ben is clearly never stepping foot in that house again. JoJo is now a front-runner to be the Bachelorette.

At the rose ceremony, the final rose comes down to Amanda and JoJo and baby voice, predictably, is sent packing.

Amanda, angry that she’s only being told now that she’s not going any further, also doesn’t realize that’s how the show works.

The most depressing part is that Amanda had said she would say yes if Ben got down on one knee tonight.

Ben is a big baby, crying after she leaves and saying “I can’t talk about it.”

Next week is the ultra-weird, misogynistic “fantasy suite” dates, stay tuned!