LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD AND OTHER MIND GAMES

We open, as always, where we left off last week with high school freshmen Shawn and Kaitlyn sitting on her daggy hotel room sofa with Shawn questioning her about whether she’s in love with him. Shawn needs to calm down and back off, we’re ALL feeling claustrophobic now. He’s ready to be exclusive only that’s not how this thing works, buddy.

Kaitlyn tells him not to put her on the spot and then relents and tells him she’s falling in love with him. I think it’s in the contract that The Bachelorette has to save the “I’m in love with you’s” until the last episode. She tries to reassure him with her lips though.

What we know about Shawn so far: seems emotionally unstable, probably slept with a blanky until about age 16 when he discovered his muscles, needs a lot of reassurance, is very territorial of Kaitlyn and might fight any of the guys if they touch her again.

Kaitlyn has a major case of the guilts, all part and parcel of having consensual sex with a guy you really like and may choose to be your future husband. She has a breakdown during her interview and it starts to feel like she’s crying so much that maybe she does like Shawn better than Nick and that’s why she’s feeling so bad?

Nick and Tanner stroll the grounds of their hotel talking about Shawn’s obvious dislike of Nick, like two middle school girls.

Meanwhile JJ, Joe and Kaitlyn get ready for their two-on-one, or three’s a crowd date. The worst kind.

Kaitlyn says she has a natural connection with JJ, that he’s attractive, funny, edgy, all the qualities that she looks for in someone. I feel like she’s lying.

She says some nice things about Joe, too, but you can tell he’s not going to be around for the long haul. Plus he looks like a cartoon dinosaur and speaks with a cartoon-Kentucky accent.

We’re reminded that one of the guys will be going home after their dates as we see them packing their bags before they go.

JJ lets us know he’s not threatened by Joe because he has a huge ego, although he does allude to some huge regret he needs to tell Kaitlyn about. I hope it’s that he had a bad coke problem and knocked up a stripper.

They go out on a little fishing boat and are dropped off on some remote island. The first thing out of JJ’s mouth is, “In the home of Bono I just wanted you to know that I’m really falling for you.” Anyone that references U2 and or Bono in any seriousness needs to be put on a watch list.

Joe talks about their kiss in San Antonio and tells her that he knows that she could “feel the passion.” Poor Joe. There’s nothing more depressing than watching someone fall in love with another person who doesn’t share those feelings, which is 90 percent of this show.

JJ ramps up for his big confession session. He tells Kaitlyn that three years ago he cheated on his wife and ruined his life. This seems like something JJ would do.

Kaitlyn pretends she understands, then sends JJ packing. She and Joe go off to spend more time together so she can decide if she wants to give him the rose, repeatedly calling him cute, not a good sign.

Cut back to Shawn and his boring story line and more about how he’s feeling insecure.

He reveals that in San Antonio he and Kaitlyn spent some extra time together off-camera and that she told him “it’s you, I think you’re the one,” and that’s why things are so hard for him. At this point I’m over Shawn.

Joe comes back from the date with the rose and all the guys congratulate him. To be honest, I was a bit shocked she kept him. He tells the guys his date was great and that he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. On hearing this, Shawn immediately gets up and makes a dramatic exit.

I agree with Shawn, this whole thing is pretty wack and not natural but this is what he signed up for and he needs to man up if he wants to win it, which I assume he does. He heads to Kaitlyn’s room yet again to have yet another whinge to her.

The fourth wall is broken again, this time during Kaitlyn’s interview when we hear a crew member off camera report, via news from his walkie-talkie, that Shawn is on his way up to talk to Kaitlyn. She does not look very stoked.

She’s still terrified that Shawnn knows about her and Nick and breaks down sobbing again.

Shawn is here to tell her that her telling him that she thought he was the one has made things even harder for him, at which point Kaitlyn bursts into tears with relief that he doesn’t know that she shagged Nick. Crisis averted.

She keeps taking about a boat but then I realize it’s just her Canadian accent.

Shawn tells her that he doesn’t think any other guys are feeling what he’s feeling. True, Nick got to feel something very different.

Kaitlyn pulls herself together and admits that she regrets giving Shawn so much extra reassurance – when he clearly can’t handle it – because it’s caused so many problems, especially if she does have feelings for so many of the other guys still. Tough pill to swallow for Shawn.

Cut to rose ceremony night at some mini-castle, which Kaitlyn kicks off with a very downer of a toast, even alluding to mistakes she’s made. Confused looks all around.

Ben Z steals Kaitlyn away for toast and a kiss but she keeps her lips closed tightly, not a good sign when you consider how she kisses Nick or Shawn or Jared.

Ben H is next up for a serious talk with Kaitlyn. Everyone’s trying to make moves. He brings up their off-camera extra time and he knows that something happened with Shawn and that she gave him some extra validation so he puts her on the spot, asking her what she said to Shawn.

He basically wants to know if he has a shot with her. She gives him some non-answer and manages to reassure him by saying that she made a mistake. What that mistake was though doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Ben H is husband material if you don’t mind someone who might be a bit boring but super nice. I think she should pick him, but she probably wont.

I’m really tired of looking at Shawn’s stressed out face.

Kaitlyn tells Nick she has concerns about him talking to the guys about “how romantic” their date was, at which point Nick’s facial expression changes to the reveal the sociopath inside, getting very defensive and annoyed at being questioned by his girlfriend.

Nick starts to unravel, basically losing his shit and then starts to fake cry. This is so hard to watch as he manipulates Kaitlyn into thinking he’s really upset. It’s so natural for him.

Kaitlyn voices her regrets about reassuring Shawn too much and her concerns that he won’t be able to overcome the fact that she slept with Nick if she chooses him and eventually has to tell him what happened. Good guess.

She decides that she has to put Shawn back in his place, which is a place of uncertainty alongside all the other guys and tells him that they should try to take a step back. Shawn starts scrambling and tells her he thinks this is just a bump in the road that they can overcome.

The creepy rose ceremony begins and Kaitlyn’s not sure about saying goodbye to any of the guys, let alone two.

It’s down to the last rose and it’s between Shawn and Ben Z. Shawn gets the rose. Ugh.

Tanner and Ben Z go home. Ben Z feels blind sided, he’s all sad and I feel bad, he seems like a pretty good guy, if a little misguided coming on this show to find a girlfriend/wife.

Kaitlyn is still riddled with guilt about her “mistake” with Nick and seems she’s building up to telling the guys. Bad move! Shocker, but guys never want to hear about the other guys you’ve recently slept with whilst dating them.

We come back from the break to a more upbeat Dublin as the guys are leaving their current hotel, it’s a new day!

Jared gets to ride in Kaitlyn’s car, while the rest of the guys take a bus to their next location, Killarney Town.

Jared is handsome downs-y, or as Jenny Mollen put it, he looks like a troll doll version of Ashton Kutcher.

We learn that Kaitlyn’s international driving skills are not on-point.

Jared’s general level of energy is worrying in itself. I feel like he may have walking Mono. He refers to Kaitlyn as his “girlfriend” and when they get to the Blarney Stone they kiss it together, supes romantic, and Jared gets to say the line, “I got lucky in Ireland.” We can all go home now.

Kaitlyn ends their date back at her hotel with the line, “it’s not a real road trip unless you end it with a cocktail.” I kind of agree.

Meanwhile the guys’ bus has dropped them at Killarney Town and Chris Cupcake announces, “This is what my soul looks like,” proving that dentists across the board are a little off, if not full-blown Ted Bundys.

Chris Harrison pays Kaitlyn a “surprise” visit, reminding her she’s down to six guys and that this week is about finding the four that she wants to take on hometown dates.

Kaitlyn coyly admits to Chris Harrison her off-camera coitus with Nick, saying “we went back to my hotel and I just really regret…” to which Chris Harrison replies, “that’s good, we all screw up.” Wait, what? Good to see that they’re enforcing the show’s twisted, archaic ideas about sexual relations between men and women.

He then tells her, “let’s just tailor this to your experience and how it’s going.” Read: YOU’RE WHORING. “You’ve already had off camera time with some of these men and I think it’s important to get some of these other relationships up to speed and to do that I think you need off-camera time to really get to know them. And that’s what the fantasy suite, these exotic dates are all about.” Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean.

Chris Harrison basically tells Kaitlyn that instead of hometown dates next week, she’ll be having the “Fantasy Suite” dates instead, to “level the playing field,” so to speak. Basically, telling her to have sex with the remaining guys in order to make a fair decision. ABC flipping the script! This might be the most realistic advice yet but why it needs to be okayed by the show’s father-figure pimp is mind-boggling.

Kaitlyn’s reaction is that getting to know the guys on a deeper level makes more sense than meeting their families first. Yes, it does.

Update: Nick is still wearing his promise ring. I feel like he plays with it a lot when he’s around the other guys to draw attention to it.

Harrison goes and tells the guys about the format change, sex before meeting family. Everyone seems confused but they don’t know why.

He leaves them with the date card, which has Cupcake Chris’s name on it and I think we all know at this point it’s a break-up date, thanks mostly to the not-so-subtle previews.

Off they go in a helicopter to be dropped on a dramatic Irish bluff complete with a romantic break-up picnic. Chris says that he can see the two of them being together forever and, “What’s happening between me and Kaitlyn is as close to magic as you get.”

They might want to get a different quote in about half an hour.

Kaitlyn does that thing that a lot of girls do when dating a guy, she puts too much pressure on this forever idea. “This could potentially be forever.” Yeah, and it could also be for like a couple weeks after the show ends. Just pick the one you like the most and stop talking about forever, you guys just met!

Kaitlyn gives him that, “you’re a really good guy but I can’t lead you on” speech. He asked her to tell him more if this is their last chance, not fully realizing yet that she’s dumping him. She knows he’s a good person, she’s not that into him. He tries to tell her that she’s just scared.

She walks away in tears leaving Chris reeling. His reaction being, “I think she’s wrong and that she doesn’t really know what she wants,” and, “She deserves a lifetime of happiness, but I’m not sure she’s ready to find that yet.” Rejection is hard.

As Kaitlyn choppers off to break someone else’s heart Chris starts to sob, standing a little too close to the cliff’s edge and a producer nervously moves towards him to stop him from jumping.

Stay tuned for more descriptions of rejection and network-sanctioned sex next week!