GUESS WHO’S BAAAAAAACK??!

Yes, it’s really handsome, really boring Ben Higgins, a top three reject from Kaitlyn’s season. Ben is from small town Indiana, still talks about high school sports he played and is super close with his parents – he called them in the middle of filming the arrivals, waking them up to tell them it was going “great!” – all red flags. He’s nice, he’s handsome and that’s all you need to be for bitches to fight over you on this show.

During the exciting pre-amble, Bachelor Ben sits down with some other Bachelor alums – Sean Lowe (biggest dag and self-proclaimed virgin prior to penetrating his wife on their televised wedding night), Jason Mesnick, who proposed to one of the finalists from his season and broke up with her at “The Women Tell All” to tell the woman he’d previously sent home that he made the wrong decision and meant to propose to her, and Farmer Chris, who proposed to Whitney at the end of his season and broke things off 3 months later after appearing on Dancing With The Stars. Advice is swapped and Melnick sweats through his shirt.

The first impression rose goes to Olivia, 23 but looks 33, news anchor, who tells Ben she gave up a great job to come be on TV with him. Hashtag romance. She’ll be one of the ones to beat.

As you probably know, the first episode is about meeting the female contestants and judging them harshly. As they pile out of limos onto the ever-wet driveway we see what’s in store for Ben, and more importantly, for us.

Some highlights:

I just want to start by saying that I don’t like calling girls “crazy” just to be funny, it’s a tired label. However, if a female is legit acting crazy she gets the title. This season that title goes to Lace. Yes, her parents named her after some fabric and that may have contributed to her current state of unbalance. There’s always one girl who drinks too much, throws shade all over the place, makes disparaging comments about the other contestants and is way too intense with the man prize. Ladies and gentlemen, like so many before her, meet Lace.

Laura AKA Red Velvet. Her whole identity is that she’s a redhead. No one gives one, lady. Also she appears to be missing a neck. Sadly, Red Velvs doesn’t make the cut.

Tiara, a really basic name, is a “chicken enthusiast,” and has framed photographs of her pet chooks in her home. Doesn’t make the cut.

Mandi the dentist plays the roll of the “kooky girl” who seems a bit insane. She’s this season’s Ashley S., arriving with and wearing for the entire night a giant paper rose on her head. Mandi also gives Ben his first on-the-mouth kiss after talking to him for like a minute. Agressive.

Lastly there was Meagan, 30, cowgirl. Huh? She didn’t fit the mould really and on top of it she brought a mini horse with her, into the mansion. She doesn’t make the cut, shockingly.

After the typically harrowing first meet and greet cocktail party where Ben spends 5-10 minutes with each contestant and then has to rule out the ones he doesn’t have a connection with, after literally hours of filming he hands out roses to:  

Lauren B., 25, flight attendant and my pick to go the distance. Her happy place is the beach. They seem like a perfect match to me, a basic match made in heaven/on TV. 

LB, 23, fashion buyer. Blah, won’t last long.

Caila, 23, software sales rep. She and Ben have the same boring job and seem like a good match. 

Amber, 30, bartender and Bachelor veteran, appearing on Chris Soules’ season as well as last summer’s best show, Bachelor in Paradise. At 30, she’s one of the oldest competing and quite frankly, should know better.

Jami, 23, bartender. Basically just a younger, Canadian version of Amber. I fear there’s not a whole lot going on upstairs with this one.

Jennifer, 25, “small business owner” – too vague for me. She’s tall like Ben so they have that in common.

Jubilee, 24, “war vet” – 24 seems young to be labeled a war vet. Also, that sounds un-sexy. Jubes has neck/titty and upper thigh tattoos which is exciting.

Amanda, 25, esthetician and single mom of two small girls. Could go the distance but in the end I feel like Ben won’t want to take on someone else’s kids – read: who would? Also, she thinks her kids are “the most amazing kids ever.” Sorry to break it to you but your kids are very ordinary, like pretty much all kids.

Joelle, “JoJo”, 24, house flipper. I like JoJo, but my first impression is she might be a bit complex for Ben. I think he’ll keep around for the long-haul though.

Leah, 25, event planner. Blonde, didn’t leave much of an impression. Might be his type though, who knows?

Rachel, 23, unemployed. This one won’t last. Plus she arrived on one of those stupid hoverboards.

Samantha, 26, “attorney.” She just passed the bar exam so not exactly an attorney. She won’t last either, too smart.

Jackie, 23, Gerontologist. Another tall brunette, seems boring.

Haley, 22, twin. Is there any more reductive a description as being labeled a sibling? Obvious producers’ choice, along with her other half, and playing into what dumb people think is some fantasy about twins. 

Emily, 22, Twin. They both seem to have identical personalities so far as well and are both ready to “date the same guy.” Oooooookay.

Shushana, 27, mathematician and apparently only speaks Russian. Producers’ pick for sure.

Lauren H., 25, kindergarten teacher. People who choose to work with kids are often a little nuts in my experience. Also, that hair color.

Becca, 26, chiropractic assistant and another returnee from Chris Soules’ season and notorious VIRGIN. I can see Becca going the distance.

Mandi, 28, dentist. We covered this above. Definitely another producers’ pick. No one’s buying it.

And last but not least, Lace, 25, real estate agent who owns quote of the night – “Let’s be honest, who wants a fucking virgin?” Poor Becca.

Lace shows just how crazy she is after she’s handed the last rose and takes Ben to the side to berate him for making her wait until the last rose and never looking at her once during the rose ceremony. I mean she might be over the whole thing now. Ben is already annoyed by this chick. I give her till week 5, for entertainment.

That’s the field going into week one. Place your bets now, I’ll be discussing my picks on the podcast this week!