This week, the mailbag questions ranged from public shaming to bathroom etiquette to athletes who look like dinosaurs. But first, let’s take a moment to praise ourselves.

 

Dave Super Funny writes:

I can’t imagine how much work actually goes into making a weekly podcast. If you could give your listeners more than one per week that would be great. Or start sucking. No, don’t do that. I love the show. Keep it up. 

Ed: Thanks, Dave. You’re in luck. I think I can speak for Brian when I tell you we would be happy to record more than one podcast per week. All we need is one thing – money. If you would like become a sponsor, please let us know. In the absence of that, tell your friends to listen to the podcast. Listeners beget sponsors which means money which means Brian and I being able to get dope gold Baller Lifestyle medallions.

Brian: Hi Dave Super Funny, I’m Brian Super Lazy.

 

Wes the Fat Kid brings up the subject of bathroom etiquette:

Much like in the movie theater, unless it is completely unavoidable, you have to have a space between you and another bro in a public restroom, stall or otherwise.  Thoughts?

Also, unrelated, people who talk in the bathroom…bad guys, right?

Ed: It’s troubling to think there are people out there who still don’t know the rules: 1) maximum space between people at all times; 2) no talking whatsoever; 3) wash hands. But the bigger issues facing public restrooms are attendants and door construction.

Has anyone ever enjoyed opening the men’s room door and seeing some sad sack hovering over the sink with a stack of paper towels and breath mints? Why is this still a thing? It’s bad enough you have to expel bodily fluids outside of home base but now you have to pay some random guy in an ill-fitting tux or avoid eye contact while quickly washing your hands. If you have a bathroom attendant at your wedding reception, I’m cheering for a divorce.

Finally, I think it’s time to take a stand against people who design public buildings. Enough with the doors that open into the restroom. Nobody wants to touch that wet handle. And nobody wants to be forced to become McGuyver just to avoid touching said handle. All that needs to be done is make the doors open out so everyone can open the door with their feet, thus avoiding feeling like they need a Silkwood shower. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2Ec20v7wX8 Get on it, architects.

Brian: Bathroom etiquette dictates that you triangulate your position for maximum distance from every other dude in the john. As soon as you enter the restroom area your brain should go into full Terminator mode with a digital map of all the body heat in the room and a mathematically diagramed route to the urinal with the absolute furthest distance from any other living being. And unless you are a savage or a criminal or in the midst of a near-death hangover, it’s completely unallowable to drop anchor in any kind of communal restroom space.

As to the restroom attendant, I’ll happily sponsor a $60 round of drinks for relative strangers, but in a stare down with a bathroom attendant I turn into Seal Team Six and go with a stealth mode ninja crawl to the door to avoid giving that paper towel extortionist $1.

 

Doug Doran wants guys with the Mark Sanchez hairband to be shamed:

WTF is up with that guy?  I am seeing them more and more frequently and when I saw a dude at the gym the other day wearing one, that was it!  Besides a public shaming, shouldn’t they receive a beatdown?

Ed: I’m not advocating a beatdown of anyone but if a fracas involving this guy happens to occur, I’m most likely not stepping in. This guy and really any guy with creative hair (mullet, pony tail on top of the head, white guy dreads) of any kind should be avoided. It’s never a good thing when a guy tries too hard to cultivate a look. It’s ok to want longer hair but have some dignity. If Teen Wolf could perform athletically at a high level with all that hair and no strange hairband, no man should need one. The guy was covered in hair and averaged a good 70 points a game!

Brian: It used to be that the leather head strap steez was exclusively the domain of European soccer bros and now it’s somehow infiltrated its way into mainstream sports that people actually watch. If you want to rock a terrycloth headband like Cliff Robinson or Artis Gilmore, fine, because those have an athletic function and those guys were cool. But don the leather shoelace and who are you trying to be? Sasha Vujacic?

 

Finally, we got some terrible, decent, and great follow-up picks that were not chosen in the first Baller Lifestyle Draft. Here they are:

Round One: Choose a fictional action hero to babysit your children.

The big winner was Mark the Nomad who chose Leon: The Professional. Here’s his rationale:

He fits one of the main requirements of this category: He works on the cheap. This guy is basically a functioning invalid. He taught a 12-year-old girl all the tricks of the assassin game in exchange for teaching him how to read.  I know how to read. I teach for a living. I’ll teach him Algebra, Creative Writing, Chemistry…etc. The list is endless. I can have free childcare for teaching this poor bastard how to be a functioning adult.

Yeah, he’s socially awkward. Do you want a charmer watching your kids? I don’t. So what if he can’t wax poetic with the pizza guy when he rings the doorbell. He probably doesn’t tip. (I’m cool with that) and if the guy gives him any lip or gives your children an awkward glance he’s going to put a bullet right through the guys’ sunglasses.

Yes, it’s a bit strange that he taught a young girl how to be a cold-blooded killer, but the cache of action heroes with actual childcare experience is pretty slim.

Ed: An inspired pick by Mark. So much so that I left off the part where he admits he is attracted to 12-year old Natalie Portman. Take it easy, Mark. You don’t want people to know stuff like that. If so, your “teacher” status could be in serious jeopardy. If you had said Portman in Beautiful Girls, I’d be a little creeped out but would understand.

Brian: I felt kind of stupid for not picking Leon because he’s one of my all-time favorite badasses, but what’s up with his seemingly unchecked addiction to dairy products? The last thing I want is to leave my kid with a babysitter only to wake up the next morning fresh out of milk because Leon: The (childcare) Professional went on a lactose bender the night before. I know Leon can’t read and his roommate is an 11-year-old girl, but milk is a beverage for children and I don’t want mine to be deprived of it.

 

Round Two: Choose a pre-Civil War politician to compete in punt, pass and kick.

engineerhunter dug deep and came up with Xerxes I:

… dude had mad game tossing spears and kicking the severed heads of his minions who failed against those pesky Spartans

Ed: I like that you went 10,000 years before the Civil War to find your contestant.   What I can’t get on board with is the fact that one of the only known depictions of Xerxes is one in which he has someone holding an umbrella over his head. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xerxes_I   No way a diva like that wins an athletic competition.

Brian: I don’t know Xerxes because I never saw 300. #hetero

 

Round Five: Pick a TV mom you’d like to have sex with.

jhayes1985 came up with a real sleeper in Suzanne Somers from Step by Step:

when she was still in her prime and if she would fuck Patrick Duffy then my odds would be good

Ed: Somers was at her hottest as Chrissy Snow on 3’s Company but her Thighmaster-inspired hot mom comeback was a thing of beauty. As for your Patrick Duffy comment, let’s not forget he has been a regular in People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. I’m not entirely comfortable revealing why I know this fact.

Brian: She’s the Sherriff or GTFO.

 

Round Six: Choose a character from the greatest TV drama of all time, The Wire, to be your real life best friend.

DOUG DORAN redeems an alarming amount of people who responded that they didn’t watch The Wire with the pick of Bunk Moreland:

…he likes to drink and have fun, plus “I’m a humble motherfucker with a big dick, well, maybe I ain’t so humble”.

Ed: First of all, I never watched The Wire is not an acceptable answer. There are like five or six shows that every person should’ve watched. The Wire is one of them. I considered taking Bunk. He was a good dude and was always up for a beer and a ballgame. The downside is he strikes me as the kind of guy who would routinely piss or shit himself when you’re out drinking. That would get old pretty quick.

Brian: Bunk, while a good dude, like his buddy McNulty is a raging alcoholic. He would be a great friend right up until the 28^th time he vomited in your lap.

 

Round Seven: Select the achilles tendon of a fictional athlete that you would like to personally sever.

PAUL picks Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher from American Pie:

(he was a bitch)

Ed: Oz was pretty awful when you think about it. He ditched his lacrosse team in the state playoffs to go sing with Mena Suvari?!? Awful. For sure, he deserved an achilles slash.

Brian: Great selection. His rendition of Do You Believe in Magic might have been the douche-chillingest scene in cinematic history. Somebody should have done his tendon right then and there.

 

Round Eight: Assume you are incarcerated and a riot breaks out in the yard. Your only choice for survival is with the assistance of a character from 1970s or 1980s sitcom. Who are you taking?

Doug Doran and Paul went with Family Ties guys Nick and Steve Keaton.

Ed: Sorry, neither would fare too well in the gray-bar hotel. Nick was an eccentric artist. Steven was a pacifist. If you’re picking anyone from that show, it would have to be Jennifer. In the later years, she had a neck thicker than Takeo Spikes. I’m still comfortable with my pick of James Evans from Good Times but Jennifer Keaton would be a wrecking ball in a prison riot.

Brian: Nick was a slow adult. I’d take Mrs. Keaton over Mr. Keaton. I’m comfortable with my selection of the Fonz.

 

Round 12: Select a current athlete purely on the basis of dinosaur resemblance (Chris Bosh is exempt, obvious reasons).

Dave Super Funny points out the dinosauriest-looking guy outsided of Bosh wasn’t even taken – Rajon Rondo:

That guy is definitely a dinosaur. 

Ed: Definitely.

Brian: Definitely.

 

 

 

Several candidates for the “Worst Parts of the Best Movies” list were offered. Thanks for all that submitted. Here are the best of the batch.

 

 

Dan offers up Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers:

The biggest downer ever is Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers. First she wants perhaps the greatest shooter of all time to try for a math scholarship then she threatens to expose coach for punching a kid. Every minute she’s on screen makes me wish Norman Dale punched her instead of that kid.

Ed: Hershey’s omission on the list is an unforgivable one. She truly was awful. Her reasons for keeping Chitwood away from basketball were flimsy at best. Her kiss with Coach Dale was one of the grossest of all time. Living in a town with her is probably what drove Shooter to drink.

Brian: I’ll probably be ostracized for this, but I’ve never seen Hoosiers. I’m sure Barbara Hershey sucks though.

 

Bennie Blanco takes issue with a scene from Tombstone:

The horseback riding scene with Wyatt Earp and the stage actress played by Dana Delany was terrible; but Wyatt and the same lady dancing in the snow while the credits rolled was a horrifically terrible ending to a very enjoyable movie.

 

 

Ed: It would’ve been less painful to see Wyatt Earp gunned down in a hail of bullets than watching that atrocious dance scene with Josephine. When did Tombstone become Footloose? Also, who dances without music? Why is nobody staring at them? Are we supposed to believe people back then waltzed to no music during snowstorms? Good job by narrator Robert Mitchum pronouncing Los Angeles “Los Ang-el-lease” though.

Brian: “You called down the thunder. Well, now you‘ve got it!”  Sure, the dancing was curious to say the least, but let’s not lose sight of the bigger problem at hand here. Namely, why was Wyatt Earp chasing Josephine Marcus (portrayed by Dana Delany [b. 1956]), and forsaking Mattie Earp (portrayed by Dana Wheeler-Nicholson [b. 1960])? I think we can all agree that Mattie was hotter, not to mention wealthy as shit from the controlling interest in Boyd Aviation that her husband Alan Stanwyk tried to steal from her in Fletch. The point is this: Hollywood needs to stop trying to have us believe that dudes leave their wives for less hot chicks. It’s called “trading up.” Michael Douglas is not stepping out on Anne Archer with Glenn Close, and Scott Howard isn’t turning down a session with Pamela Wells for hoops in the driveway with Boof.

 

 

Bennie Blanco also brings up Days of Thunder:

While Days of Thunder had it’s own wet blanket of Nicole Kidman and features a scene where Cole and Roddy destroy rental cars on the beach for no real reason, nothing can top the terribleness of the film-ending running scene between Cole and Harry. The still shot of their creepy grins while they run is truly special.

Ed: Days of Thunder? Days of Thunder? This list is for bad scenes or people in great movies. Not bad scenes in bad Tom “I Run Really Weird” Cruise movies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJdMDvjfyQ0 Benny, I’m a little worried.

Brian: I’ve seen Days of Thunder (I think?), but I can’t say I remember the details. I’m pretty sure that’s the one where Tom Cruise (COLE TRICKLE) contracted Nicole Kidman to be his fake wife for exactly ten years fell in love with Nicole Kidman, which is kinda fun.

 

Shannon has one addition for Star Wars:

How about storm troopers’ armor? what good did that ever do any of them? Every hit, and they are down. Even against the Ewoks and their rocks.

Ed: It’s hard to believe the Empire was really trying. On one hand, they had the firepower to effortlessly blow up planets like Alderaan. On the other, they go down to Hoth and Endor with poorly-outfitted Stormtroopers to engage in land war. The only weaker nemesis from our lifetime is Glass Joe. http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/joe3.gif

Brian: I’ll be honest, I thought the stormtroopers were robots until like five years ago. It never occurred to me that those were dudes in suits. I’m not that smart.

 

Seth notes an especially bad part of Beverly Hills Cop:

I love when axel throws one of victor’s goons on the buffet table. If you pause it at the right spot Eddie Murphy becomes a huge dude with an Afro and a mustache.

Ed: Wow!

Brian: Double wow.

 

Finally, one last submission for the “who needs public shaming” list from Alex:

A dude at the library I’m chilling at just hit one of those damn-near digital, vaporizers. What do you think about that? Fucking gross.

Ed: Yes, technology can go too far. Digital vaporizers and E-cigs are sad on so many levels. First of all, is there any doubt that E-cigs will be the subject of a scathing 60 Minutes investigation in the next year? None, right? Say what you want about tobacco but at least part of it comes from the earth. Inhaling nothing but chemicals seems like a bad, bad decision – like Jerry-Lewis-playing-a-clown-in-a-concentration-camp bad decision.

Second, is there anything less cool than a product endorsed by Steven Dorf? Think of how many rejections Blu had to get before settling on the third guy on the call list from a 1998 Wesley Snipes vampire movie.

Finally, nothing says “I have no self-control” more than the E-cig. If you can’t handle a trip to the library without becoming a major distraction, you’re probably horribly insecure. Sorry mom never said “I love you” at bedtime, chief.

And, Alex, please expand on this “library” you speak of? Are you referring to the place where homeless guys masturbate?

Brian: I don’t think there’s anyone that needs more shame than E-Cig Guy. When did it become acceptable to walk around in public with your lips wrapped around a big chrome dick?

 

 

Donald Sterling is a racist. Russell Wilson is getting a divorce. Will the Dallas Cowboys take Johnny Manziel in the NFL Draft? Some guy pushed his kid off a skateboard ramp. And FanceePop: George Clooney is engaged. Does his prenup have a hair removal clause?

 

Send your sex and relationship questions to FanceeSex@theballerlifestyle.com

Charlie B. writes: Besides watching the beach scene between Apollo and Rocky in Rocky III, have you ever had a gay experience?

Brian: The 80s were an interesting time. The shorts were short, the sunglasses were big and everybody was on cocaine. It’s fun to look back to how oblivious we all were to all of the overtly gay imagery from our childhoods. Take the infamous Top Gun volleyball showdown. Everybody (sans Goose, thankfully) is heavily greased up and shirtless. Tom “Ice Man” Kasansky’s hair is bleached out like he’s moonlighting as a rent boy. “Slider” (WTF? “Slider” really?) is flexing his curiously perfect physique for an audience wholly comprised of other fly boys, and Lt. Pete Mitchell is wearing jeans and somehow elevating his 5’6” frame above the net for multiple monster spikes. And despite the “Playin’ With the Boys” soundtrack and Goose and Mav’s sweet round-the-world high fives, no one really caught on to the notion that two leathered-out bears engaged in full man-on-man intercourse is actually less gay than this scene.

One time at the gym (this is how most gay stories start) while blasting my core (it’s getting gayer) me and some other dude were both parallel to eachother holding a side-plank position (I’d be shocked if anyone were still reading at this point) when a trainer came over and placed one hand on each of our respective hips and proceeded to crack out ten pushups using our lithe, smooth, masculine bodies as a base. You ask me if I’ve had a gay experience? Yes, I’ve had a gay experience.

Fancee: I have a feeling this question was designed for a guy to answer… I mean there was this one time my girlfriends and I had a sleepover and drank too much pinot grigio and took our tops off and things kinda took a turn. Jk. Girls don’t really have “gay” experiences unless they’re lesbians, which I’m not. Girls can hook up and it’s not a “gay” experience. Has a lesbian ever hit on me or touched me in a way that made me uncomfortable? No. Did I kiss a girl once and like it? Sure.

 

Anonymous writes: My gym teacher used to watch us shower in middle school. Would it be weird to contact him now and ask him which one of us was the most attractive?

Brian: I’m guessing Mr. Sandusky would welcome a new pen pal. Just make sure you do him a solid and include pictures.

Fancee: What’s important is who’s the most attractive now.

 

Trojan95 writes: My friend’s mom said she fantasized about Willem Dafoe. I haven’t let him forget it for 20 years. Who is your ugliest celebrity fantasy?

Brian: Who’s the girl that played Precious? Her.

Fancee: Howard Stern.

 

Anonymous writes: I’m new to the dating pool after an 8-year relationship. Is there some sort of grooming mandate I should be aware of?

And similarly, albeit in sort of a creepy crude manner, Ish in Memphis writes: Here’s a serious question for FanceeSex: do you prefer cleanly shorn balls or is simply keeping them manscaped enough?

Brian: The age old question: to groom or not to groom. As with any negotiation you need to put yourself into the position of the other party. Assuming you are able to get to the point where you’re presenting your Jacobs for review by a potential lover, you don’t want to give that person any reason to turn their nose up at a potential genital interaction.

There’s a reason you wore a freshly-pressed shirt to the restaurant that night, same goes for your junk. That’s why I always advocate a cleaned-up genital area. You don’t want an unruly troll-doll-in-a-scissor lock sort of look, and at the same time you don’t want to scare her away with a freshly waxed bowling lane either. She’s looking for reasons not to have sex with you, don’t give her one. Use a trimmer with a guard; trim it down so it would look presentable at a dinner with clients. Once you get to know each other better, she’ll let you know if she prefers you Captain Caveman or Tom Slick.

Fancee: The best thing you can do when new to the dating scene, or in life in general, is have good hygiene. Finding out if you have halitosis or not is a good place to start. If you have bad breath you’re not hitting any bases. Use deodorant, floss, and use mouth wash. Have short clean fingernails. Hell, do yourself and everyone else a favor and get a mani-pedi. Trim any unwanted hair like nostril hair and, god forbid, ear hair. Get your teeth whitened if you need to. Do whatever it takes to make the most of what you’re working with.

As far as hair down there goes, there is no such thing as “not to groom.” Less is more. Start with a cleanly manscaped region and if you get lucky you and your new friend can discuss taking things down further and smoothing things out, if you know what I mean. Seriously, no one wants pubes in their mouth.

 

Paul writes: It’s 2014 and we still live in a society where some bros are not a #giver in the bedroom, which is the most reasonable answer as to why this is?

A. They had that “bad oyster” in their early sexual conquests.

or…

2. They’re hung like a moose and figured that’s all they need to bring to the party.

Also, these non-giving bros, any doubt that they refer to the bedroom as “where the magic happens”?

Brian: I have a really difficult time relating to anyone who’s sexually stingy. There’s simply nothing that makes you more of a man than making a woman feel beautiful and amazing. Take your time, ask her what she likes and do that thing. If you’re nervous, embarrassed or otherwise unwilling, share that with your partner. As with anything in a relationship, communication is everything. Talking about what makes you feel good sexually is the same as talking about what movie you’d like to see or what restaurant you prefer. If you’re not getting what you’d like, you need to convey that. And if you or your partner isn’t interested in giving the other person what they need, you’ve chosen the wrong partner. If you can’t find common ground, move on. Life is short. No one should have to settle for someone that doesn’t care enough to do it all. And anyone that says, “this is where the magic happens” is really telling you “this is where the tragic happens.”

Fancee: I have a few theories about this. A girlfriend of mine once dated a guy who never went down on her and only wanted to have sex with her in certain positions, where he wasn’t looking at her. This bro was clearly gay (there were other indicators as well). Not being a giver in the bedroom, in every sense, is tied to how you feel about your own sexuality and your ideas about what sex is. A lot of people, guys and girls, are plagued with sexual inhibitions, which stem from any number of issues. If you’re a giver in the bedroom you’re most likely a giver in all aspects of your relationship. I like to think you get what you give though. But basically, if you’re not enjoying all aspects of sex – which includes giving and receiving freely – you’re doing it wrong. Call your therapist because you’ve got some evolving to do.

Send your thoughts to mailbag@theballerlifestyle.com, and we’ll answer them here.

The public shaming candidates continue to roll in. If you appear on this list, take a long hard look in the mirror. If you like what you see, keep in mind that everyone who knows you is currently fantasizing about your demise.

Thanks for all that submitted. Here are the best of the batch.

Ish in Memphis proposes the shaming of “Clips Nails in Public Guy”:

…needs to publicly shamed because that’s obviously abhorrent, sociopathic behavior. I have nothing else to say about that except to say that society has every right to flog Clips Nails in Public Guy right in his cod sack…

Ed: After bringing them home from the store, nail clippers should spend the rest of their days in about a four-foot radius inside a bathroom. Nobody, not even people in your household, should ever be subjected to that vile ritual. If you notice you’re developing a bit of a coke nail outside the home, duck out to a hidden area and bite that fucking nail. It’s not the world’s problem that this practice is unsanitary. And fuck anyone who needs to be told this information.

Brian: For me it’s the sound. That distinct noise that signals you are in close proximity to a degenerate of the highest order, the public nail clipper. Obviously this behavior is completely unacceptable, but the fact that it isn’t criminal (yet) is really an indictment of our society as a whole. The public nail clipper is a vile and disgusting wretch, but it’s what you don’t know about this guy that’s even worse. Because if he’s willing to do that in full view of the world, there’s simply no telling what other forms of degeneracy he’s capable of. This guy’s DNA needs to be in a database and lucky for us he’s leaving little bits of it in the park for the authorities to collect.

 

Mark the Nomad offers “Brings a cooler of protein to work guy”:

This guy may only be indicative to my work, but I’ve got a guy at my job who brings a cooler of protein with him to work every day. He’s got a real strict regiment and he’s got to eat his fish/grilled chicken concoctions at 10am 1pm and 3:30 daily. He generally scorches the break room with fish mid day essentially ruining everyone else’s lunch. Despite him being a full time teacher, he still wears skintight Under Armor polos and will probably fuck a student in the next sixth months.

Ed: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mark. You’ve given us all a lot to think about. Despite this being one man, these are really two issues. The simple one is the skin-tight Under Armor polos.   By wearing those (and to a TEACHING job!), he’s essentially wearing the shame sign around his neck at all times. If you’re a guy, there’s no need for skin tight clothing ever, but certainly, not at work. If you’re trying to get the attention of a coworker, just show up. As long as you don’t wear a potato sack to work he or she will notice. Tight clothing is really your way of telling the world that your parents didn’t say they loved you enough as a kid.

But way bigger issue is the guy thinking it’s alright to bring pungent foods to work. We all have these coworkers and it’s time to take a stand. Eat something neutral like a salad or sandwich and the world smiles with you. But, if your fad dieting requires you to eat fish and chicken concoctions that stink up the break room or nearby cubicles, then you take that garbage and shame-eat it in your car or behind a dumpster. Nobody cares that you’ve chosen a life of body sculpting in an effort to overcompensate for your dogshit personality, Tad.

Brian: I’m not mad at this guy. I don’t really need to hear about how many grams of protein he’s throwing down every three hours, and I definitely don’t want any information on his “program” or “training routine,” but there’s nothing wrong with maintaining a clean, healthy diet. Full disclosure: I might be this guy. My lunch often consists of whatever I had for dinner the night before, and at least a couple days a week that’s fish and veggies. I respect this guy’s right to blow up the break room kitchen with some salmon and broccoli, because I do the same thing at my office. I would argue that the odor from some delicious reheated halibut isn’t nearly as foul smelling as that frozen pile of preservatives disguised with a clever marketing name (Lean Cuisine, Smart Ones, etc.) that Brenda from HR throws into the microwave every day at noon. And let’s face it even the most naïve coed with acute body dysmorphia isn’t dumb enough to sex a guy in skintight Under Armor.

 

Spice Rack is angry about two elevator guys. The first is “Hustles to hit ‘UP’ button as the doors are closing guy”:

…causes everyone on that elevator to twiddle their goddamn thumbs for another 30 seconds because he’s so worried about his Corner Bakery soup getting too cold before he gets back to his desk.  How about you eat a bowl of dicks instead of your soup, That Guy.

Ed: This guy is a typical “my life is more important than yours” guy. If he’s holding a cooler full of transplant organs, by all means let the man get on that elevator. But, if he’s holding lunch or just his shitty smug look, the people in the elevator should be allowed to kick him in the chest and make him wait for the next one.

Brian: I blame Mr. Otis for this. Once the doors start to close, the up and down buttons should be immediately disabled. If you have a boner to get into a full elevator it should be up to the elevator’s occupants to approve your passage. Sure you can yell “HOLD THE DOOR” or “LITTLE HELP,” but you should be at the mercy of the Czar of the Door. If he (or she) deems you worthy of a lift, he’ll throw out the arm to stop that door from slamming closed on your dreams of reaching the 8^th floor in time to see that new receptionist leaving in her yoga clothes. And assuming the Czar shows you a bit of mercy, protocol states that you be effusively thankful “hey man, reaaaally appreciate it, thank you” or else he should be allowed to throw you down the elevator shaft somewhere around floor number six.

 

SpiceRack also serves up “Way too nice and helpful in the elevator guy”:

You know him.  He’s the one who’s already in the elevator car and spots you heading towards the elevator bank from 500 feet away.  Inevitably, he makes a big show for holding the door open for you.  Now you have to half-jog to the elevator, sloshing hot coffee onto your hands – and usually down the front of your shirt – in the process.  And then on top of it all you have to act uber-grateful and thank That Nice (?) Guy for saving you five seconds of time when in reality all he’s doing is garnering you $5.50 in extra dry cleaning bills.

Ed: There are two explanations for his behavior. Either way, this guy is a fucking monster. If we’re being optimistic, he is completely oblivious to the fact that he is annoying everyone around him. He doesn’t realize that he made you unnecessarily rush. He doesn’t realize that the people in the elevator aren’t interested in waiting. He essentially has shit for brains. It’s a wonder he was able to figure out how to get to the building in the first place.

The second explanation is that this guy just prides himself on being known as “the good guy.” Real good guys do good guy things like actually help people. Fake good guys do things like hold elevator doors. The only reason he did it is so he can go home and write about it in his journal. “Dear Diary, today I helped someone in need…” Congratulations, fuck face. Everyone hates you.

Brian: This is the same dickhead who holds the door for you at Starbucks, but then quietly seethes when you don’t wave him ahead of you in line. This jerk fancies himself a hero, but really he’s all about himself. He’s got his chest puffed up like he’s brokered an Israel/Palestine peace accord because he held a door open for someone. I typically leisurely walk toward the elevator and right before I get in I pretend to take a phone call and walk away so his lame gesture goes for naught.

 

Doug Doran presents “Guy who walks up to bar and asks for Drink Menu”:

Really?  You are at a bar and have to look at a menu to pick your poison?  Beer or whisky work just fine for me, and maybe a little red wine to mix in.

Ed: Have some dignity, man. Unless you’re an alien who recently inhabited the body of a human, you know damn well what you’re ordering at a bar. I’m 99 percent beer. For some reason, I prefer to drink my brown liquor at home – alone – but that might be a story for my therapist. But even if you like Sex on the Beach or Mai Tais, you knew that years before approaching the bar.   If you’re considering some unique, specialty cocktail that is only made at this bar, chances are you’re at an Applebee’s. It’s probably best you order three fingers of Liquid Drano and end this charade of a life.

A close cousin of this guy is the “asks for a sample spoon at ice cream places guy.”

Brian: I refuse to acknowledge that this guy actually exists, because I’ve only ever seen chicks ask for a drink menu.

 

Finally, Becky (yes, a woman) complains about “The Batwing-Avoiding Commuter Guy”:

The guy who stretches his knees out across more than his own seat on a bus or train – usually causing a female to have to stand, or be squashed in next to him. I don’t care that you have sweaty testicles. What you don’t have is manners and common courtesy.

Ed: First of all, if you’re a real man you don’t sit while a woman stands. I’m not proposing we go back to the throw-jacket-over-a-puddle-Sir-Walter-Raleigh days. But, fuck, be a man. If it’s too hard for you to stand, it’s time to reassess whether or not you should be allowed to leave the house.

As for the bat wings, just powder after the shower. That usually does the trick. If that fails, just adjust the yam sack through the pocket. You can’t keep those legs spread forever, chief.

Brian: Being blessed to have spent all of my life in the sunny clime of beautiful Southern California where we aren’t burdened with cattle car mass transit situations, I’m having a hard time picturing this animal. Is he sitting forward with one knee lying akimbo on the neighboring seat? Or is he (egads!) turned sideways with both of his legs on the adjacent sitting place? I guess it doesn’t matter, because fuuuuuck this guy. I feel like this is an easy shaming though. Eye contact, combined with a shoulder shrug and palms to the sky is the universally recognized symbol for “how about you get your leg off of the seat, dickhead?” The question is: do you want to sit next to a guy that’s chosen public transport as the ideal location to ventilate his bota bag?