This week, we tackle topics ranging from places to die to wedding etiquette to 80’s videos. But first, we’d be remiss if we didn’t first address the mailbag question from one of the great men of the 21st century, Dave.
Dave writes:
Dear sirs,
How do I contribute to your cause? I’m sure every bit helps so I’d love to do what I can. How do I go about doing that monetarily? Thanks again for the great show and keep up the amazing work!
Ed: Dave, every bit DOES indeed help but the most important thing at this point is more listeners. Tell your friends to check it out. When they quickly realize we are changing lives over here, they can tell their friends and so on and so on. More listeners will lead to advertising which will lead to Brian and I spending 10 minutes every show reading live ads for penis enlargement pills. So, you see, everyone wins.
Brian: I would like to make it very clear that Ed Daly in no way speaks for me or theBallerLifestyle.com. Sure it would be nice to have lots of listeners, but I’d waaaayyy rather have $1,000,000. Feel free to send me money. Wire transfer details available via email: Brian@theballerlifestyle.com.
And Dave, this one’s just for you.
pereyda gives us the four ways he’ll never die:
1. Starvation.
2. Poisoned at Arby’s.
3. On a cruise ship.
4. Choking to death while singing in my Gay Acapella group, “The Bearitones”.
Ed: Three of the four can be easily avoided. Most people can make it through their entire lives without hearing one recommendation for starvation, Arby’s, or to join an a cappella group. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the floating nightmares known as cruises. It’s difficult to make it a week on Facebook or Instagram without seeing some “look at my feet on the deck of a cruise”picture. Cruise people LOVE to insist others also become cruise people. “Forget that one incident, cruises are the best!” “You’ve never been on a cruise?!? They’re amazing!”
Not being a cruise person will be a battle you will face for the rest of your life but it’s a battle worth fighting. There are 10 things that can happen on a cruise: four are serious illness, five are death, and one is being forced to make smalltalk with the captain at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Never give up. Never ever give up.
Brian: Guaranteed cruise eventualities:
1. Contraction of unknown illness
2. Contraction of known illness
3. Murder by spouse
4. Murder by stranger
5. Rogue wave
6. Gluttony
If your spouse comes home with tickets to a Caribbean cruise check your life insurance immediately, because somebody’s looking to push you over the side. And if the Mrs. hasn’t hatched a plan to off you, don’t worry because a crewmember or some random stranger has you covered in the premature death department.
Fishing With Dynamite wonders what should happen to the bachelor party if the wedding gets cancelled:
Earlier this week, my buddy pulled a Rory McIlroy and called off his engagement after the invitations had already been sent out…the bachelor party was scheduled for New Orleans in July. Here’s the baller part: He still has every intention of going through with the bachelor party. I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on this matter. Personally, I think he’s a hero.
Ed: Your buddy is a hero for the simple reason is that most couples have no business getting married. There’s nothing worse than spending tons of money attending a wedding that you are certain will fail in a couple years.
The still-having-a-bachelor-party thing is cool but let’s just call it what it is – a boys weekend. Those are necessary every once in a while to maintain sanity, regardless of whether a wedding is approaching or not.
Brian: Your buddy is doing himself and everyone involved a huge favor. People reach a point in their lives where they see all of their friends getting married and assume that means they should marry whoever they’re dating at the time. Most marriages end in divorce, and a lot of that can be attributed to that fact that people simply don’t know themselves well enough to know what they need from a partner. Good for your friend. He made a decision that he knew would be unpopular, but was the best for all involved. So throw a party and maybe more people will follow this guy’s lead.
Fishing With Dynamite also asks about +1s on wedding invitations:
I was invited to two separate weddings that did not include a plus-1 on the invite. I called the groom and said, “Hey, the invitation didn’t mention a guest. Is that just implied, or what?” He said there was no mistake and that the venue only holds 120 people and so the non-married people don’t to get to bring a date so they can invite as many of their friends as possible. I called bullshit.
Am I right to be upset about this? In my younger days I would never dream of bringing a date to a wedding, but now all of the bridesmaids and otherwise eligible hook-up partners are mostly married, and there is nothing worse than being a single guy surrounded by married people. They’re like a whole different species (no offense, Ed). Plus, without a plus-1 you’re easy prey for wretched people intent on making small talk and you don’t have a partner to help you eject from awkward / uncomfortable situations. This is blatant discrimination against single people.
Ed:There’s never a need to get fired up over a wedding invitation. If you don’t get invited or asked to be a groomsman or asked to come alone, don’t sweat it. Weddings, for the most part, suck. Go if you must or come up with a good excuse.
If you’re asked to come without a date, embrace it. Once you are, in fact, married or in a serious relationship or have kids the one thing you’ll crave more than anything else is alone time. If you’re flying solo, there’s nobody to make you dance to some shitty song from the 80’s. There is nobody discouraging you from ordering those eleven drinks. There’s nobody telling you not to sneak off to the bar to watch that big football game because the animals getting hitched didn’t consider that a fall Saturday is no time for a wedding.
Plus, chances are that one member of every couple attending a wedding will be going under protest. It’s very rare that both people care about the bride or groom equally. Find the guys or girls that don’t want to be there and, boom, you’ve found your fellow single person.
Brian: Weddings are ridiculously expensive. If people were smart they’d elope and use the old man’s cash for a down payment. But they don’t and that means curating the guest list like it’s going to hang in the Louvre. Unfortunately groom’s friends’ plus ones get cut faster than Dirty Harry’s partners. You have two choices: show up, make the best of it* (*get drunk) and maybe bone a bridesmaid, or respectfully decline and spend your weekend feeling pretty good about being single.
Wayne M. wants to suggest a different song for the Stanley Cup bet:
If you guys are going for a song as bet for the NHL Cup you should step it up a notch and go with Dancing in the Streets by David Bowie and Mick Jagger. The looser should wear a gay 80s outfit like they do in the video, dance, sing, and record it for our entertainment.
Ed: Three things:
- If you want to point out an uncomfortable 80’s video, the first one needs to be “Rock Me Tonite”by Billy Squier.
- Hate to be that guy but I believe the word you’re looking for is “loser.”
- Hockey is a dumb game anyway. *unless, of course, the Blue Shirts come back and win the Cup.
Brian: I have so much shame about my complete ignorance to all of the blatant homoeroticism of the 1980s, and in retrospect there was simply no one gayer than George Michael. Warm up those pipes, Ed.
