Jason Stewart joins the crew to talk movies, Ben Roethlisberger, pervy dentists, the Golden Globes and the Bachelor.
The Bachelor Season 20 Recap: Episode 2
Olivia’s big mouth and the two Laces.
Week one gets off to a strong start with some front runners breaking away from the pack. We learn that one of the twins thinks that “Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history,” and JoJo announces that “If you had a list, he checks off every single list.”
The biggest news though, is we find out there are actually two Laces. Lace tells us that that actually wasn’t her on the first night, it was the “other” Lace.
Newsflash: Ben is into being fun and goofy and that really shows on the first horrendous group date, the back to high school challenge, complete with plenty of really dumb sexual innuendos in the chemistry class portion and the bobbing for apples portions where we find out “Jackie’s not great with her mouth, unfortunately.”
JoJo and Becca, two of the hottest girls pair up to fail the U.S. geography test. Are we shocked?
What is Mandi wearing??
The winner of this date is crowned “Homecoming Queen,” which is apparently all of these girls’ dream. But there can only be one queen and today it’s Mandi. This will be her high point on the show, as well as in life.
Cut to the group date cocktail party that night, where true colors shine. Becca comes with her A game and a very tight, short dress. Don’t be fooled by Becca’s chill, easy-going, stoner demeanour, she’s in it to win it.
Tall person Jennifer and Ben kiss during their alone time and Lace (we’re not sure which one this is), loses her shit when she finds out. Lace says she’s upset that Ben got a different Lace on the first night. I think she means drunk Lace.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the one-on-one date card arrives and we get to see just how wide Olivia can open that trap of hers. Everyone simultaneously pauses their TVs in shock and awe.
Back to the group date where Lace and Ben are almost “eye fucking,” according to her. No kiss though because he’s actually terrified of her, and rightly so. Lace loses her shit again when Jubilee cuts in on her with Ben, saying “fuck these bitches” and complaining to the group about not getting any time with Ben.
I’m a little scared of Jubes too. She and Ben also kiss.
Lace interrupts Ben and someone with the line “I’m not crazy I just need some more time.” It’s never a good idea to refer to yourself as crazy multiple times to someone you’re trying to convince that you’re not crazy.
Everyone hates Lace because she sucks.
JoJo and Ben go up to the roof where Ben tells JoJo he’s feeeeeeeeeling her and they have the most romantic kiss of the date and she emerges as the one to beat.
Ben tells JoJo “thank you for sharing with me,” which I think we can all agree on is the lamest line as we all cringe in unison, then gives her the group date rose.
Jubilee is suicidal when she finds out.
Lace is close to a psychotic break.
Back at the mansion it’s revealed Caila has the first one-on-one date that also includes some corny cross-promotion for the movie Ride Along 2 and Ban and Caila are joined by Ice Cube and teeny weeny Kevin Hart.
Ben is, of course, a huge Kevin Hart fan, shocker. He also announces that “Ice Cube has done everything from acting to rap.” There’s no way Ben could recite even one line of “Givin’ up the nappy Dugout,” sorry.
Cut to a depressing scene with Amanda Facetiming the kids she’s abandoned.
One of the twins has a French tip manicure which should mean immediate disqualification.
We’re already finding out that what Ben has in good looks is not matched in personality.
On their date, Ben and Caila get to know each other whilst their food sits in front of them, getting cold. This drives me insane.
Later we find out that Ben also has bad taste in music when his favorite musician, no clue who this dude is and too lazy to Google it, shows up to play the standard private show trope for the couple. Ben sings along. At the end of the date there’s kissing. Caila is in the running.
On the next group date to a “love clinic” we learn which of the girls present have physical chemistry with Ben. Olivia, who is the worst after Mandi and Lace, scores highest with Ben on the chemistry test. Her already large ego becomes a character.
Ben told Samantha she smelled sour. I feel this is the kiss of death for her.
Later that night in Ben’s hotel room, which Olivia announces “is awesome,” they make out. when she returns to the group she tells the other girls that “if Ben is a big believer in science, I’d be a little nervous.” She’s the wooooooorst.
Amanda breaks the bad news to Ben about the two heavy pieces of luggage she travels with in the shape of two small children but he kisses her anyway.
Ben predictably gives Olivia the group date rose, causing Amanda to shed the first tears of the season.
Ben needs to lay off the hair gel.
Olivia announces that Ben is hers at this point, saying, “He’s my man.” Amanda throws some shade her way. She then interrupts Ben and Leah who are done talking anyway so they can make out some more.
Lace takes Olivia aside for a chit chat and we get to observe two crazy idiots facing off.
Lace has begun talking about herself in the third person as she begins to spiral. I’m thinking alcohol is the common denominator here.
She then takes Ben aside for the 15th time and tells him that she has “a very bold personality” and is “a lot to handle” and that she has “a part of her that she’s working on.” Ben is now legit terrified. Olivia and Lauren H. listen from below the balcony.
They are interrupted by another girl, prompting Lace to go into full-breakdown mode in her interview, saying, “the Lace I promised myself I would not be came out.”
Ben gives Lauren B. a photograph of the two of them on the night they met as a token to assure her that he’s into her. Lauren B. will be one to beat.
Amber still hasn’t had any time with Ben, which I don’t really understand because they’re filming all day, how can you not talk to him for at least ten minutes? Seems like bad time management to me.
Ben and Amanda, the esthetician with the baby voice, make hair barrettes for her brats. Definitely not Ben’s idea.
The rose ceremony is intercut with Lace’s breakdown. This is cheap trick becasue we all know that the producers of this show aren’t letting Ben send both Laces home just yet.
L.B. gets a rose but tells Ben that she’s going to bounce, making room for Amber to stay. He might’ve blown that one but plenty more fish here.
Jackie and Mandi go home rose-less and love-less. And the field begins to thin.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 102
Star Wars, Making a Murderer, Dinosaur truthers, Vine stars and mermaid sex organs.
The Bachelor Season 20 Recap: Episode 1
GUESS WHO’S BAAAAAAACK??!
Yes, it’s really handsome, really boring Ben Higgins, a top three reject from Kaitlyn’s season. Ben is from small town Indiana, still talks about high school sports he played and is super close with his parents – he called them in the middle of filming the arrivals, waking them up to tell them it was going “great!” – all red flags. He’s nice, he’s handsome and that’s all you need to be for bitches to fight over you on this show.
During the exciting pre-amble, Bachelor Ben sits down with some other Bachelor alums – Sean Lowe (biggest dag and self-proclaimed virgin prior to penetrating his wife on their televised wedding night), Jason Mesnick, who proposed to one of the finalists from his season and broke up with her at “The Women Tell All” to tell the woman he’d previously sent home that he made the wrong decision and meant to propose to her, and Farmer Chris, who proposed to Whitney at the end of his season and broke things off 3 months later after appearing on Dancing With The Stars. Advice is swapped and Melnick sweats through his shirt.
The first impression rose goes to Olivia, 23 but looks 33, news anchor, who tells Ben she gave up a great job to come be on TV with him. Hashtag romance. She’ll be one of the ones to beat.
As you probably know, the first episode is about meeting the female contestants and judging them harshly. As they pile out of limos onto the ever-wet driveway we see what’s in store for Ben, and more importantly, for us.
Some highlights:
I just want to start by saying that I don’t like calling girls “crazy” just to be funny, it’s a tired label. However, if a female is legit acting crazy she gets the title. This season that title goes to Lace. Yes, her parents named her after some fabric and that may have contributed to her current state of unbalance. There’s always one girl who drinks too much, throws shade all over the place, makes disparaging comments about the other contestants and is way too intense with the man prize. Ladies and gentlemen, like so many before her, meet Lace.
Laura AKA Red Velvet. Her whole identity is that she’s a redhead. No one gives one, lady. Also she appears to be missing a neck. Sadly, Red Velvs doesn’t make the cut.
Tiara, a really basic name, is a “chicken enthusiast,” and has framed photographs of her pet chooks in her home. Doesn’t make the cut.
Mandi the dentist plays the roll of the “kooky girl” who seems a bit insane. She’s this season’s Ashley S., arriving with and wearing for the entire night a giant paper rose on her head. Mandi also gives Ben his first on-the-mouth kiss after talking to him for like a minute. Agressive.
Lastly there was Meagan, 30, cowgirl. Huh? She didn’t fit the mould really and on top of it she brought a mini horse with her, into the mansion. She doesn’t make the cut, shockingly.
After the typically harrowing first meet and greet cocktail party where Ben spends 5-10 minutes with each contestant and then has to rule out the ones he doesn’t have a connection with, after literally hours of filming he hands out roses to:
Lauren B., 25, flight attendant and my pick to go the distance. Her happy place is the beach. They seem like a perfect match to me, a basic match made in heaven/on TV.
LB, 23, fashion buyer. Blah, won’t last long.
Caila, 23, software sales rep. She and Ben have the same boring job and seem like a good match.
Amber, 30, bartender and Bachelor veteran, appearing on Chris Soules’ season as well as last summer’s best show, Bachelor in Paradise. At 30, she’s one of the oldest competing and quite frankly, should know better.
Jami, 23, bartender. Basically just a younger, Canadian version of Amber. I fear there’s not a whole lot going on upstairs with this one.
Jennifer, 25, “small business owner” – too vague for me. She’s tall like Ben so they have that in common.
Jubilee, 24, “war vet” – 24 seems young to be labeled a war vet. Also, that sounds un-sexy. Jubes has neck/titty and upper thigh tattoos which is exciting.
Amanda, 25, esthetician and single mom of two small girls. Could go the distance but in the end I feel like Ben won’t want to take on someone else’s kids – read: who would? Also, she thinks her kids are “the most amazing kids ever.” Sorry to break it to you but your kids are very ordinary, like pretty much all kids.
Joelle, “JoJo”, 24, house flipper. I like JoJo, but my first impression is she might be a bit complex for Ben. I think he’ll keep around for the long-haul though.
Leah, 25, event planner. Blonde, didn’t leave much of an impression. Might be his type though, who knows?
Rachel, 23, unemployed. This one won’t last. Plus she arrived on one of those stupid hoverboards.
Samantha, 26, “attorney.” She just passed the bar exam so not exactly an attorney. She won’t last either, too smart.
Jackie, 23, Gerontologist. Another tall brunette, seems boring.
Haley, 22, twin. Is there any more reductive a description as being labeled a sibling? Obvious producers’ choice, along with her other half, and playing into what dumb people think is some fantasy about twins.
Emily, 22, Twin. They both seem to have identical personalities so far as well and are both ready to “date the same guy.” Oooooookay.
Shushana, 27, mathematician and apparently only speaks Russian. Producers’ pick for sure.
Lauren H., 25, kindergarten teacher. People who choose to work with kids are often a little nuts in my experience. Also, that hair color.
Becca, 26, chiropractic assistant and another returnee from Chris Soules’ season and notorious VIRGIN. I can see Becca going the distance.
Mandi, 28, dentist. We covered this above. Definitely another producers’ pick. No one’s buying it.
And last but not least, Lace, 25, real estate agent who owns quote of the night – “Let’s be honest, who wants a fucking virgin?” Poor Becca.
Lace shows just how crazy she is after she’s handed the last rose and takes Ben to the side to berate him for making her wait until the last rose and never looking at her once during the rose ceremony. I mean she might be over the whole thing now. Ben is already annoyed by this chick. I give her till week 5, for entertainment.
That’s the field going into week one. Place your bets now, I’ll be discussing my picks on the podcast this week!
The 20 Best Things That Happened in 2015
2015 was full of terrible people (ISIS, the Planned Parenthood shooter, the kid from UConn who was refused mac and cheese) with terrible agendas. But was it void of greatness? Absolutely not. Here are 20 reasons why 2015 was actually a tremendous year. And I’m not talking about bullshit videos of cops getting into dance contests and squirrels parachuting. These are actual great things.
20. Nancy Grace suffers her worst debate beatdown…by 2 Chainz!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e25in2BNo48
In yet another debate over an issue that nobody still cares about, Nancy Grace was obliterated by the guy whose previous high point was the lyric – “They say room service. Gimme one minute, she gettin’ a womb service.”
19. Star Wars
JJ Abrams had a ton of pressure going into this movie. Nerds followed his every move. Yes, these were the same nerds who conveniently forgot that the Star Wars franchise has had about two-and-a-half good movies out of six. Nonetheless, Abrams was expected to please both nine year-old boys and 44 year-old fanboys looking to revisit their youths before puberty relegated them to weirdo status. And JJ delivered. The Force Awakens was thoroughly entertaining and a real event.
18. Iceland makes blasphemy legal.
You’re goddamned right they did!
17. Steve Harvey is a dope.
People can debate whether or not the whole Miss Universe thing was staged. But the authenticity of the pageant’s results is not what makes it great. In the middle of the confusion, Steve Harvey says the funniest line of his career and it was not remotely intentional. At the 5:03 mark, Harvey pleaded with the audience. “Please don’t hold it against the ladies.” Thanks, Steve. For a minute I thought Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines were to blame for this commotion and was about to throw broken bottles at the stage. Then I was going to follow them both around for the rest of their lives and loudly boo them in public. Thanks to your quick wit, you were able to clarify that it is not the fault of the two women standing silently in their evening gowns and sashes. We all really dodged a bullet there.
16. Adnan’s murder is the gift that keeps on giving.
Due to the success of Serial, tv networks have been dying to capitalize on the true crime documentary series success. HBO put out The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst. Once viewers were able to look past the creepy facial hair of documentarian Andrew Jarecki, The Jinx was a fascinating look at the insanely wealthy yet shady Robert Durst. The final episode culminated in a mind-blowing confession.
Later in the year, Netflix threw it’s hat in the ring with Making A Murderer – a show about a slow adult who may have been framed for murder in Wisconsin. While death is always terrible, at least it’s providing some compelling television.
15. Ben Carson has a majestic picture of himself and Jesus hanging in his home.
“Hey Ben, why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable? Come join me in the steam room. I can give you a nice back massage with my insanely muscular right hand. If you just close your eyes, you will begin to forget about my tiny, Chris Bosh-sized head.”
14. Eddie Murphy finally told a joke.
For people of a certain age, Eddie Murphy was the comedic gold standard. Then he stopped being funny. He quit standup, made tons of terrible kids movies, and appeared super-affected in every interview. At the SNL 40 special, Chris Rock gave Murphy the intro to end all intros, Eddie took the stage…and did absolutely nothing. Most of the next day’s water cooler talk was about how Eddie didn’t have it anymore. A couple months later, when being presented with the Mark Twain prize at the Kennedy Center, Eddie broke the streak and told his first joke at the expense of alleged serial rapist Bill Cosby. Welcome back.
13. Washington DC is turning poop into power.
The biggest challenge in moving away from fossil fuels is finding new energy sources. Our nation’s capital found a source that is never ending – our need to relieve ourselves. The new treatment plant which turns solid waste into energy will both save money and put waste to work. Suddenly, having a Taco Bell in the neighborhood is an asset.
12. Mad. Max.
Mad Max: Fury Road was one of the rare movies with no downtime. There was no boring scene. There was no needless exposition. The movie was just start-to-finish action. Hopefully this teaches future directors that it’s ok to sometimes skip the boring backstories and forced romantic subplots. For the cherry on top, the movie made a bunch of guys angry because one of the action stars was a woman. Welcome to the year 1979, gentlemen!
11. A’s pitcher, Sean Doolittle, hosts Thanksgiving dinner for 17 Syrian refugee families.
Much like the Ebola scare, SARS, and Bird Flu, Syrian refugees have become an insane fear mongering target. Despite the fact that there is really no evidence to prove Syrian refugees are any more of a risk to Americans than Americans themselves, people have gone out of their way to turn their backs on people looking to escape persecution and seek freedom. (You know, kind of like the way everyone’s family came to America?) Well, the Oakland A’s closer represented the best of what America has to offer and generously showed love on our country’s greatest holiday.
10. Julianne Moore killed it on Billy on the Street.
Julianne Moore is a national treasure.
9. Bill Cosby finally faced the music.
2015 has not been a good one for Cliff Huxtable. Ever since mid-2014, the old comedian has been accused of rape by dozens of women. But the problem with nearly every accusation is that it happened well beyond the statute of limitations. Luckily, at least one of these cases happened just under 12 years ago in Pennsylvania. Yesterday, Cosby was arrested and formally charged. It doesn’t right all his wrongs but satisfying to know he doesn’t get away with everything. Maybe that Fat Albert voice can get you an extra serving of baked beans as you live out your twilight years in the pokey, Bill.
8. The Paris climate agreement is the most positive news item for the environment in our lifetime.
I think we can all agree that the planet is mostly fucked in the long term. But, for generations, we viewed earth as someone else’s problem. And, let’s face it, if something is going to inconvenience your great-great grandson/daughter, you can pretend you care but you really don’t. Now, problems with the planet could be a major problem for our kids – which is a problem because we sort-of care about our kids. Governments across the globe banded together and have resolved to focus on renewable energy. Now we have something to bring up when we need someone to change our diapers in 50 years. “Remember that time when we saved the planet? Good. Now help me change this #2”
7. TV is still great.
Thanks to Netflix and countless cable channels, there are a ton of directions to turn for great TV. From the Mad Men finale to the “Shame” episode of Game of Thrones to season two of Fargo, You’re the Worst, and Broad City, television in 2015 is better than ever. But, if you’re looking for a great new show, look no further than Big Time in Hollywood, FL. Come for the coked-out-of-his-mind Cuba Gooding, Jr. Stay for the Steven Tobolowsky.
6. University of Missouri football players use their status to bring meaningful change.
For months, black students had complained of multiple racial incidents around campus. The administration chose to do nothing about it. Realizing that the only meaningful change is getting the football team involved, players on the team were approached to join the movement. On Saturday, November 7th, black members of the team announced they would not play another game unless there were changes in the administration. By Tuesday, the 10th, the school’s president stepped down and the chancellor announced he will transition to a new role.
Schools everywhere have no problem profiting left and right on the athletes. Schools are also always quick to remind the athletes that they’re not employees. It’s about time that the athletes get to push back.
5. RJ Hunter hits a game-winner for Georgia State in the NCAA Tournament.
Ron Hunter tore his achilles tendon while celebrating his team’s Sun Belt conference championship the previous week. In the first round of the NCAA tournament (or whatever they call the round of 64), Ron was forced to coach his 14-seeded team from a stool against Baylor, the 3-seed. When Ron’s son, RJ, hit the game winner Ron fell out of his chair and shady coach Scott Drew was sent home with a bitter loss.
4. David Letterman got the sendoff he deserved.
In the weeks leading up to David Letterman’s final show in May, the tributes poured in. Jimmy Kimmel gave a heartfelt tribute to Dave in his monologue. Norm MacDonald choked up in his final Late Show appearance. Every star imaginable was tripping over themselves to get on the show before he signed off. In the final episode, Dave gave a poignant-yet-not-sappy farewell and the Foo Fighters played while a montage of 35 years of incredible clips played.
It’s sad that there no longer will be a late night host that is both hilarious and unconcerned with kissing up to his guests. But it was tremendous to see the greatest ever talk show host get his due. Farewell, Dave.
3. We got to witness the Pharma Bro do the perp walk.
In August Martin Shkreli announced his company was hiking the price of a drug used by AIDS patients by 5500%. Due to expired patents and a complete lack of compassion, the “Pharma Bro” shrugged and reminded everyone it is all legal. In December, we learned that Shkreli was the sole owner of the only copy of Wu Tang’s $2 million album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin.” But then, just when we were resigned to the fact that this shitbird was forever going to be a nuisance in our lives, Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud. After a rough year, Pharma Bro’s arrest was a solid bit of news as we entered the holiday season.
2. The Obergefell vs. Hodges decision.
The Supreme Court ruled that all states are required to recognize same sex marriages. This was both terrific and sad news. Terrific in that love wins. Sad in that same sex marriages weren’t a universal thing in America as recently as seven months ago.
1. “Benjamin Franklin is killin’ the game!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnHduGJddq0
This guy.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 101
An in-depth discussion of the timeless holiday classic, A Very Brady Christmas.
EP. 100: The 90210pisode
The 90210pisode: Special guest Travis Rodgers talks all things Beverly Hills, 90210
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 100 (Preview)
A quick taste of the upcoming 90210pisode.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 99
2015: The Year in Review
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 98
The Lopez Twins, Tim Tebow, Tyson Fury, Gremlins and an Olsen twin weds.