BACK IN PARADISE BUT NOT FOR LONG

The show opens with a barefoot Chris Harrison being corny as usual with comments like, “toes in the sand, cold drink in the hand.” This is going to be great.

Here are the arrivals person by person:

Jade: She arrives first and immediately becomes the hottest female commodity. Guys think she’s hot, and they all may or may not have Googled her and are in Playmate conquer mode. Guys are simple, which is perfect because Jade is simple too.

Jared: Next arrival is Jared who has brought along his bad, patchy goatee and is wearing some sweet dad loafers.

Tenley: Tenley and her weird baby voice arrive and after surveying the scene she comments that all the guys seem really classy. She wants to know “is that fair?” about Ashley I. bringing her sort-of-hot sister, Lauren.

Carly: Carly was a hater on her season of The Bachelor (Chris’ season not “Chris’s,” ABC) and is a hater here, she’s super pissed that Ashley has brought her sister too.

Jonathan: Jonathan and all his tats are here. Jonathan who is like 31 or something has filed for bankruptcy. He also has a kid. He says that he has been with sisters at the same time before and it was “pretty amazing.” Then he brags that he’s had a couple of virgins as well and, “it’s a lot of fun but a bit of work.” What. A. Creeper.

Ashley I.: As mentioned, Ashley I. turns up with her sister Lauren and is apparently, still a virgin. As they all arrive they cluster around an outside bar hitting the cocktails and Ashley requests a “Sex on The Beach” which is the most basic cocktail you can order. I predict about three of these before she starts crying.

Ashley announces that she is the pickiest princess and has to hold out for her Aladdin. Also, she’s dead serious. She then says that she and Lauren aren’t into meatheads, they’re into athletes though and there’s a difference, really?

Ashley tells Lauren that she’s into Jared and this becomes the bane of her existence. She can’t talk to him though because she’s so emotionally retarded.

Cue constant tears.

Lauren I.: Ashley’s tragic sister who is a self-proclaimed, “not a virgin.” She’s the first to start drunk-girl crying later that night.

Tanner: Immediately has his eye on Jade upon arrival, like everyone else.

Mikey: The first thing out of Mikey’s mouth is, “I’m the epitome of an alpha male,” followed by, “I can get you all jacked like me in a month!” Mikey is a huge, dumb meathead who immediately gravitates to Lauren I. Mikey asks the sisters, “what happens if you’re into the same guy?” To which Ashley replies that she makes out with them and Lauren says, “and I finish them off.” Wow.

Mikey T. is the first person to get his shirt off but leaves his long pants and belt on to scoop Lauren up for a bit of flirtatious chitchat. Before too long they’ve stripped down for a swim so Mikey can get handsy in the ocean.

Juelia: Juelia greets everyone with what are definitely the biggest fake cans so far. Juelia also has a kid and hits it off with single dad and huge creeper, Jonathan. They’re coupled up by the end of the second episode.

Kirk: The only ginger arrives and Carly announces that he’s “freaking cute” and he’s wearing plaid and she loves plaid. He takes a liking to Carly, much to everyone alive’s shock.

Dan: Dan Cox arrives, he’s wearing a beard which I thought was a weird choice for Paradise but maybe easier not to have to shave? Dan Cox and Ashely S. pair up pretty quickly.

Jillian: Alpha female Jillian arrives wearing only a neon bathing suit because her ass was so sexualized on her season of The Bachelor that now it’s become a dumb gag to black out her ass. I feel bad for her. She also has a new boob job but they look more like pecs. Jonathan continues to be gross by saying he wanted to take a bite out of Jillian when he sees her and her yellow bikini.

JJ: Jade says she hopes there’s no douche bags and then enter JJ in his pink slacks. JJ is my fave male cast member. JJ is also shown in his pink tank top a lot. I feel like JJ will be a late bloomer on this season.

Ashley S.: May be unwell but more likely just acting, Ashley S. is the last girl to arrive. For now. Kirk says he expected an inability to “conversate” from Ashley S. but she seems surprisingly normal, for now, apart from being really into the parrots they have caged there.

After the arrivals Chris Harrison tells the guys that they’ll be giving out the first rose so they have the power this week. In a perverted twist he also informs everyone that if somebody extends a rose to one of the I. sisters, both will be staying. This seems like something the sisters might have negotiated beforehand. Either way it’s dumb.

After the break Chris Harrison officiates Marcus and Lacey from last season’s fake wedding for ratings in front of the new season’s cast and a few family members. So basically in front of a group of strangers. The whole thing is daggy and depressing on top of being made up.

Marcus and Lacey are the perfect basic couple to represent “love” to all the basics watching as though this is real.

The first night in paradise is a booze-fueled pool party where every guy tries to hit on Jade.

Lauren, 24, and a hot mess, is the first to start crying. She’s clearly had one too many margaritas and tells her sister that some of the girls are old and will do whatever because they’re old, like Juelia and Tenley.

Ashley I. announces that she’s only into Jared because he has “perfect eyes, a perfect nose and perfect lips.” She’s such an idiot, it’s great.

At least they have a decent sized pool the season, unlike the hot tub-sized HPV pool from last season that looked all murky.

Kirk and Carly couple-up like teenagers. Kirk can’t tell she wants him to kiss her so she has to initiate the first kiss, which is a bit emasculating. He’s either kind of a pussy or didn’t think he was that into her. Time will tell but for now they seem pretty into each other. I predict this doesn’t last though.

Carly announces that this kiss was one of the best of her life. I have a feeling she hasn’t kissed many sober guys.

Mikey is a huge idiot. He honestly thinks he has tons of options because he’s just that dumb. Meanwhile he has no options.

Later that night, around the beach bonfire, Ashley I. tells everyone that she’s not really into princesses and the whole Cinderella thing and that Jasmine, from the Disney movie Aladdin, is her princess. She’s such a moron.

When Jade asks Jared if he still has feelings for Kaitlyn he basically says he does, like the wet rag he is. He’s a really nice wet rag, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Ashley I. watches Jade and Jared talking on the moonlit beach from the cabana and is freaking out and starts bawling, her ugly cry face is back and so is her maniacal crazy drunk girl laugh-crying.

The next day the first date card arrives and Ashley I’s name is on it. She immediately starts obsessing about asking Jared. Her fear of rejection is so text-book it’s almost funny. Why she thinks a show like this is a good idea for her is a bit puzzling. She’s crying at the thought of having to ask Jared in case he doesn’t want to go with her while her sister tries to help her blend in her foundation she’s applied badly from the entire suitcase of makeup she’s brought along.

Jared does not look pumped that he might be asked but of course he accepts her invitation in front of the entire group and off they go. Ashley says that she thinks Jared looks like Aladdin and she’s totally in love with him before the end of the date.

Back at the villa, Tanner announces that he is also interested in Jade and the next date card has Jade’s name on it, but of course.

Jade says that it’s kind of a toss-up between Tanner and Jared for her at this point but rather than go for sloppy seconds and take Jared after he’s just been out with Ashley I, she asks Tanner. This is a defining moment I feel like, because Jared was also into Jade and now it might be too late for them to pursue their mutual interest,

Tanner lets Jade know that he thinks her Playboy spread is awesome and he doesn’t judge her for it. These two are so boring together but also a perfect couple.  At one point he holds her hand and tells her that he’s interested in having something with her and she leans in for a kiss. Tanner has more game than we all thought.

Jade suggest they have a dip in their underwear in the dirty Mexican river nearby which they’re definitely going to catch a disease or parasite from. Tanner asks Jade if she’s “still a wild mustang?” My guess is he’s hoping yes.

For some unexplained reason Ashley S. is carted off in an ambulance with Dan Cox in tow. She comes back hours later as if nothing happened.

Late entry, queen of the basic bitches and actual idiot, Clare Crawley and her bad hair extensions make their entrance. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Clare is the only Paradise veteran, having an unsuccessful turn on last season. But she’s back to find love, because she’s literally got nothing else going on but is extremely pleased with herself anyway. She let’s the viewers know she’s not afraid to “ruffle any feathers” either.

Clare conveniently announces that she’d like to get to know Tanner, Kirk and Jared – the three guys who are semi-coupled up.

Mikey is the reject at this point but he basically asks Clare to ask him on the date. She accepts, she’s not quite ready to rock the boat, she’s played this game before and maybe she learned a thing or two.

Their date is some gross tantric couples yoga and Clare hopes she doesn’t have to “rub privies” with Mikey on their first date. Me too.

Later, Clare basically tells Mikey that they don’t have anything going on and she still wants to talk and meet other people. He immediately wants to kiss her after hearing this and thinks she’s super into him. He’s not real smart.

Ashley S. gets the next date card and chooses Dan Cox. They kiss. Snore.

It’s now the night of the first rose ceremony and each guy can give one girl a rose, leaving one girl to go home.

This is the part of the show where the most maneuvering happens, as everyone is desperate to get a rose or as Ashley I. puts it, “claim my stake.” Ashley I. tries hard to pin down Jared but he’s not giving her much.

Ashley and Lauren are the biggest wet rags of all the girls. Lauren announces that Juelia, Jade and Jillian all have fake tits and that everyone is “old.”

Jillian and Tenley are both trying to work JJ for a rose with Tenley making a power move and telling JJ he could kiss her to see if they had chemistry. Tenley isn’t fucking around, let’s not forget that she won Bachelor Pad one season, she’s in it to win it.

JJ does chooses Tenley over manly Jillian and her new boobs which she takes home.

In a shocking twist, Jared tells Clare that if she doesn’t have a rose when it’s his turn to pick, he’ll give her his. Whaaaaaaaaa?!

Mikey gives Clare a rose so Jared is free to give his to Ashley I., securing her equally awful sister in the process.

 

Bone and Home, Ireland to Utah

This week is all about figuring out who fits you best, figuratively and literally, as we have the final two back-to-back overnight dates with Ben H. and Shawn B. and the elimination of one of the remaining three guys. Followed by the hyper-awkward meet the family dates where you get a clearer picture of just what you’re buying into.

Ben gets the first date. He going for a ‘young republican’ look in his wool sweater and khakis, strolling through the country-side with Kait. These two couldn’t be a worse match objectively, but I still think he’s a better pick than the other two.

It’s also pretty obvious the sexual chemistry between Kait and Ben isn’t as strong as with the other guys. Ben needs to kiss her like he means it.

There’s his and hers sweaters, horseback riding and donkeys and more sweaters – all the things you need on a date leading to sex.

Later Ben reveals he just turned 26!!! And hopes their age difference doesn’t matter to her. Four years is a lot after all. Kait the cradle robber is totally cool with it though.

They retire to their daggy castle suite to get it on. I can already feel Kaitlyn’s disappointment. This is a girl who knows what she wants in the bedroom and I can tell you right now, she’s too much for ultra-nice Ben.

Back from the break, it’s morning and they’re saying goodbye at her door. Kaitlyn reveals they had a lot of fun last night and she only got half an hour of sleep. At least she gave Ben the rumor, she’s a good sport.

Despite the lack of sleep, she pulls it together to meet Shawn and his perfect helmet of hair for their date, a spot of golf. I feel like Shawn really studies David Beckham and his look and tries hard to recreate it, with an uncool, east coast vibe. He’s a bit of a meathead, let’s be honest.

A lot of balls go in the water. Foreshadowing?

Later they play truth or dare and Shawn takes the dare, to putt naked then run across the green. This is the perfect scenario for Shawn, he gets to show off his body that he’s clearly very into and the results that all that protein powder have helped him achieve.

At dinner they talk about how they had soooooo much fun that day. I mean couples golf is okay.

Then the Debbie Downer moment, Kait brings up Nick and Shawn’s dislike of him. She really wants to know more. More than the fact that Nick is his biggest threat and has banged her on at least 2 occasions already and Shawn hasn’t?

Shawn reveals to Kait he has talked to Nick and that he thinks he’s an asshole. Big revelation.

Kaitlyn brings up the whole “Eskimo brothers” thing and Shawn dodges it by calling Nick a terrible person, manipulative and a liar. He’s mad that Nick broke the guy code here but honestly, you’re pretty stupid to give Nick any info like that, which he could use against you.

Kait wants to know if Shawn’s a player. Does he have other “Eskimo brothers” out there? How many?

Shawn’s not losing sleep over Nick though, if Kait picks Nick he says they were never meant to be because they’re two opposite guys. This kind of logic is great and all but seriously, you don’t have any exes that don’t really match your ideal person now? Unless you’re really simple, people are attracted to all kinds of people. This is another reason relationships are so scary.

Kait pulls out the overnight card and Shawn’s ready. What he doesn’t know is that he’s getting sloppy thirds. As with Ben’s overnight we are spared any gross moans and heavy breathing like we were privy to with Nick and Kait’s hookup. Thank god.

Cut to the next morning and Shawn leaving Kaitlyn’s room with no romantic lingering and who does he run into as soon as he walks outside? You guessed it, Nick, who wants an audience with Shawn. He’s had all night to come up with some good stuff to make him look like the hero when it’s played back on TV. Nick is smarter than Shawn and this isn’t his first rodeo.

Shawn’s just sprayed his territory, letting Nick know that he’s just spent a whole day and night with Kaitlyn, and is more annoyed by Nick’s presence than ever. Nick seems a little intimidated by Shawn’s physicality and threats. This is very Nature Channel.

Cut to Kait and Chris Harrison having a father-daughter chat and Harrison plants the seed that maybe Shawn is not just jealous in this situation, but that it’s part of his character. Something to think about, girl.

Kait talks about the feud between Shawn and Nick and how it’s affecting her feelings for them both. No woman wants to see two guys fighting like high school girls.

At the rose ceremony Harrison tell Kaitlyn that she is about to make one of the hardest decisions of her life. This seems like a stretch.

Gratuitous chest pan.

Nick gets the first rose, kind of a burn to Shawn who is picked second and Ben goes home but probably gets to be the next Bachelor.

Ben has composure and takes his loss like a man, even though he really thought they could’ve had something great. Maybe he can get on Bachelor in Paradise if it’s not too late?

Kaitlyn says the only thing getting her through this now is that she really believes she’s in love. This is where the Bachelor or Bachelorette needs to be deft at being duplicitous and leading on the person they already know they’re not choosing.

She cheers with Nick and Shawn then leaves them alone in the ballroom together where they finish their champagne in silence, pacing the room while not looking at or speaking a word to each other. Pretty awkward.

Back in the States and now we’re in Utah? Apparently the show’s budget doesn’t allow for actual hometown dates so the families are flown into Utah to meet Kaitlyn.

If I were Kaitlyn I would be kind of pissed that I didn’t get to go to these people’s actual hometowns and check out their homes to see what level of sad the decor is at. This is stuff you need to know about your future in-laws, you can’t make an informed decision otherwise. Remember Clare Crawley’s mom’s house? No thanks.

Kait meets up with Nick and he says a bunch of douchey stuff to her and tells her how in love he is with her through some fake tears. I can’t believe she doesn’t have the cringe yet.

Inside the big Park City hotel is Nick’s entire family – all 27 of his siblings who range in age from like 45 to 9.

Nick’s mom is already crying over her midday chardonnay which triggers his little sister’s crying. They are really worried about Nick’s feelings being hurt again.

Enter Kait and Nick and their special sparkle. They reassure everyone that what they have is real and special with some dancing and more white wine.

Nick’s older, more protective sister says that basically this is “either the best decision or the worst decision” Nick has ever made to go back on the show after his disastrous prior turn. I’m just going to say worst.

Lots of awkward convos ensue with various family members culminating with Nick’s mom basically saying she likes Kaitlyn better than Andi. Buuuuuuuurn.

Nick tells his mom that he is confident and he’s 99% sure that Kaitlyn loves him. She looks like she’s going to have another nervous breakdown at this point.

Nick then cries telling his mom how Kaitlyn brings out his goofy side. “Goofy” is one of my least favorite terms and “goofy” people are super annoying.

Back in Kait’s hotel room, where she chases her Chardonnay with brown liquor on the rocks, she and Nick kiss and whisper to each other on the couch and Nick tells Kaitlyn he loves her to which she answers, “promise?”

Nick tops it with, “we should make babies someday,” to which Kaitlyn bursts out laughing. He’s such a chick.

Skip to the same hotel for the “hometown” with Shawn’s people. This is very awkward, what if the families meet at the breakfast buffet and get to talking?!

Shawn needs to stop referring to Kaitlyn as his “wife.” It’s a bit much. He also jokingly calls her “toots” which would be a deal breaker for me. Shawn has a dad vibe though.

Shawn shows his immaturity when he says that Kaitlyn has to get along with his family and if they don’t it wouldn’t work. People like this bother me, is your whole family dating or marrying her? No, just you are, so you should be happy with your choice.

Shawn’s mom “couldn’t make it” but he describes his sisters as “like moms to me.” Sort of a red flag.

Kaitlyn explains her initial attraction to Shawn and how strong it was. Everyone becomes concerned that this might just be a relationship built on mutual attraction. They might be right.

Shawn’s sister, Jessie, describes Kaitlyn as “very spunky.”

His dad cuts straight to the chase and opens with, “So what the hell is going on?” Shawn and his dad have on almost identical shirts, which is a little weird.

After the meet and greet with the family, Shawn spills the beans to Kaitlyn and tells her that he is in love with her and I feel like from the way she’s looking at him that she is also feeling it. Either that or she’s a good actor.

Shawn admits he’s a little disappointed that Kaitlyn didn’t say “I love you” back to him but that he truly believes she does love him.

The episode ends with Kait crying about how well the day went. This seems like a bad sign to me, like she is having pre-guilt about not picking him, but the show has been known to try and throw the viewer off the right track before.

NICK VS SHAWN 2105, place your bets.