Hope Solo is the perfect weapon, handicap orgy, Magic: The Gathering, space sex and the Bachelorette.
The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6
THE ALAMO – SHOTS ARE FIRED
This episode begins where we left off last week, with Nick walking into the hotel room to confront the guys. To his credit he handled himself pretty well, all the guys were sitting on one couch one side of the room while he sat on the opposite side facing the firing squad.
The next scene is the rose ceremony cocktail party outside on the Mets home field. It’s obviously freezing, all the guys are shivering and their noses are runny and they’re sniffling, which adds to the overall romantic vibe of the scene.
Tanner, Josh and Ryan S. all let Kaitlyn know how much they don’t like Nick being there. This record is starting to get old and the guys are starting to sound whiny.
Nick hasn’t done anything apart from being asked to be there so get over it, you big babies. But Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling says he can feel himself backing away. NO, don’t go! He tells Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and she starts to tear up. It’s not easy being The Bachelorette who gets to invite another guy who’s already been on a season of the show to come back because he’s been creeping on social media, let’s give the girl a break.
Back to the rose ceremony. Nick obviously gets a rose and Ryan, Corey and Jonathan are left without one. No surprises there really.
In a bizarre turn of events the next location announced is San Antonio, where Kaitlyn has “always wanted to go.” Huh?
Handsome Ben H. gets the first one-on-one date card. They go to some old dance hall to learn two-step, another super boring, daggy date. Snore.
Ben says he’s two-stepped at the bar on a Friday night before. What?
Kaitlyn says she hopes she and Ben have good chemistry on the dance floor otherwise she’s not sure… They practice for a while and then enter that night’s contest against people that have been doing it every week for years and years but somehow they don’t get eliminated right away.
Back at the hotel Josh the Welder is showing himself to be kind of a weirdo. He’s obsessed with his dislike for Nick. Meanwhile he’s sharing a house/hotel/whatever with JJ who is arguably worse than Nick and not even cute.
Cupcake Chris reads the group date card and Nick is on it. Schnozling however is not and is very happy because he knows he’s getting the next one-on-one date.
Kaitlyn feels like Ben H. opens up to her on their date but all he really did was talk about his last relationship which it sounds like he might not be over. He seems nice but pretty dull.
The next day is the group date. Kaitlyn says that it’s going to be a problem if Nick can’t get along with the other guys, which is really dumb because of course he’s not going to get along with them if they all hate him? But it actually seems like they’ve all accepted the situation. Everyone that is but Joshua, who is seeming a bit psycho at this point.
On yet another really dumb group date the guys have to write mariachi songs and sing them to Kaitlyn. This seems like it would be a huge turn-off.
Then the producers begin to build Ian’s storyline for this episode, which is pretty epic. He says that he’s very excited for this day, he loves to sing, “I’ve got the muscles and the brain and the heart so let me sing from it and I can sing, so…” Again with the claims about how great he is at singing.
Kaitlyn said she would love to see Ian’s sense of humor if there is one. This is foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen it.
They each take turns serenading Kaitlyn in front of a “crowd.” Justin’s not bad, JJ plays the guitar but his signing is atrocious, Dinosaur Joe is kind of goofy, Ian chokes again. He’s really mad at himself and says “I’ve set myself up to be a performer, and then I can’t fucking perform. I’m a joke.” I’m worried that Ian might kill himself now.
Nick, always the show pony, serenades Kaitlyn up on a balcony, much to all the other guys chagrin. One of the lines of his song being, “We had such a great connection, it gives me such a huge erection.” Nooooo.
Most of the guys agree that he did a good job and more power to him. Afterwards Nick says, “I feel kind of good right now, I’m kind of glowing.” Like a pregnant woman?
Nick knows that Josh is really pissed and hates him and seems kind of amused by it. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY MURDER YOU.
That night on the group day they go to some western-themed town situation. First to have one-on-one time with Kaitlyn is Josh who gets Kaitlyn to give him some janky haircut which she fucks up. So dumb, so pointless.
Nick wastes no time getting into a make out session with Kaitlyn and without Nick there Josh cannot stop talking about him, he has a real issue that Nick has been on the Bachelorette before. Who cares? Honestly, LET IT GO.
Josh tells Kaitlyn that none of the other guys like Nick, which makes her concerned that all the other guys are lying to her. Then he returns to the group and acts all weird, telling everyone he’s been in an interview the whole time but they all know he’s been talking to Kaitlyn.
Some stupid drama ensues because Kaitlyn comes in and puts everyone on the spot about what Josh has just told her. I kind of feel bad for Josh that everyone hung him out to dry, even though that was a bad play on his behalf.
Kaitlyn gives Nick the group rose and he says, “If things continue the way they are I am absolutely going to fall in love with this girl.”
Shawn B. is pumped for his date with Kait. They get in kayaks and paddle down some dirty river in the middle of the city. Kaitlyn’s never been kayaking which is weird, I thought that was a Canadian sport?
Kait says she loves Shawn’s voice and she loves his smell. More kayaking, kissing, talking while drinking champagne, being about that life, the usual.
Shawn “opens up,” telling Kait about a car accident he was in 5 yrs ago and gets all emotional. He thinks this amounts to “letting his guard down.” What? Then things get more uncomfortable, especially when he says “I’m falling in love with you.” Kait says she feels the same way. Full cringe.
Okay let’s get to the BEST part of this episode, Ian. I love Ian and I wish they would give him more screen time, especially his interviews where he says things like, “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me? Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.” WHAT?!?!?
One of the problems with the show’s format is that not everyone gets one-on-one time with the Bachelorette in time to quell any insecure feelings they might be having. Ian falls victim to this. Patience is the name of the game, you can be a late starter and still make an impression but it’s all up to you.
Nick is sent in to talk to Ian about his insecure feelings and how he feels like he would make a great bachelor. He tells Nick, of all people, “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting, I don’t think that’s something wrong with me I think that’s something wrong with her.” So basically Ian feels a bit rejected because he’s blown both of his group dates and now is turning on Kaitlyn, who probably likes him.
Ian is a big baby, and he’s decided he wants to go home.
The rose ceremony is here and all the guys are feeling pretty nervous. Especially Josh, who’s having a cry because he blew it so hard last night on the group date. Sad face.
Ian’s storyline is hijacking the rose ceremony as it builds and builds. Kaitlyn reiterates to the guys that she’s all about honesty and fuck the bullshit.
Ian claims that, “she’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” He’s really on a roll now.
For her first one-on-one time she takes fug Jared up to her room for a chat. Jared tells Kaitlyn that he does feel like it’s falling in love with her.
Ian’s voice over about how great he is compared to all the other guys is edited over Kaitlyn and Jared falling onto her bed which is covered in rose petals and the two of them making out.
Ian – “If one of these lames is better than me then just pick one of the lames. I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here, I have a good job, a good education, charisma, brains.” Keep talking, this is amazing.
Ian – “I could be the bachelor. I think I am a very eligible bachelor in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” Holy. Shit.
Ian – “I don’t like Kaitlyn, she’s not interesting she’s just here to make out with a bunch of guys.” He wants you to know that he has a good time in his own life, he meets chicks and he has A LOT of sex.
Finally Kaitlyn comes back in from making out with Dinosaur Joe outside and Ian gets some time alone with her to give her a piece of his mind. He basically tells her that all the guys are imbeciles and he is way above it all and if that’s what works for her they aren’t a match because he’s deep.
“I only see you as a surface level person at this stage. I wonder if you’re really that shallow because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”
ALL THE SHOTS FIRED!
TO BE CONTINUED.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 74
Brandon Spikes’ hit and run, Ben Bishop’s runs, Tony Romo’s fantasy football convention, honey covered cocaine pellets, Charlie Brown, Charlie Sheen, Bachelorette shenanigans and more #lyfecoaching. Get it.
The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5
KAITLYN’S CHOICE – THE RETURN OF NORMCORE NICK
A couple of things: Kaitlyn is just as simps as I thought. “Normcore” Nick Viall is still a dickhead.
The episode kicks off where we left off, with Kaitlyn dragging Clint away from the group to tell him he’s cut. Clint seems genuinely shocked, well as much as someone who’s so shallow and doesn’t emote at all can seem shocked.
He talks about JJ and how they are “very, very, very” close and “best best, best” friends. At this point we know he’s acting because no grown man claims to have a “best” friend.
Clint maintains that all the bros in the house like him, further confusing Kaitlin. She tells Clint she’s upset because she really, really, really likes him but that she doesn’t trust him. Basically she handled him and didn’t get talked around.
JJ looks super dejected when she tells everybody she’s letting Clint go home. Then, in an awesome turn of events, JJ turns on Clint in front of the group and tells him he needs to apologize for “changing the emotional tone of the evening.” This bro-breakup seems obviously cooked but the guys do a really good job making it seem as real as an un-real situation could look with Clint telling JJ to “get the fuck out of my face. I’ve told you shit I haven’t told people in a long time.”
They both start calling each other “pieces of shit” and then Clint walks out to a very dramatic musical score and departs in the van. Bye Felicia. I was kind of bummed we didn’t get any tape of Clint in his van-ride out of there though.
Cut to JJ back in the house having a breakdown and telling himself to “suck it up.” This was overkill.
Kaitlyn has a private talk with Chris Harrison then tells the guys she’s decided not to have a rose ceremony and keep everybody around for another week, which could also be due to Tony and Clint’s early exits. Either way, the show seems to be going with this new format of rose ceremonies at the start of the episode rather than the end.
The guys all toast the beginning of their travels now as they learn they’re leaving the mansion for NYC.
Cut to NYC and the hotel they’re staying at in Times Square – what a nightmare. They all get over-excited like little girls and squeal when they see the hotel suite, this is always one of my favorite scenes. Ben Z makes a toast, “here’s to love, adventures and good memories.” Cringe.
Kaitlyn, dressed in a really fug leather jacket, reveals that she loves rapping and the first group date will be a rap-battle with surprise guest, Doug E. Fresh.
Ryan B and his great hair is into it. So more battling between the guys, only this time it’s verbally. Kaitlyn then does some really bad rapping before the date kicks off and I’m more embarrassed for her than ever.
JJ reveals he has literally never listened to any rap in his life. No one in the entire world is shocked to learn this. Ben Z is really bad. Corey the investment banker is actually not bad, but he might be gay.
Then the BIG REVEAL – in the audience is Normcore Nick from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette.
After the rap battle Kaitlyn says hi to Ashley I. from her Bachelor season and then sees Nick, who she’s only talked to online before today apparently although I’m not buying it. They stand around flirting for a bit then he tells her, “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kind of bugged me.” Classic Nick the narcissist.
Kaitlyn sits the bros down and tells them that she’s thinking about bringing Nick on the show, without revealing his name at first. They all look appropriately bummed. Like they need ANOTHER guy to compete with.
Then it gets out that it’s Nick and the guy’s all look disappointed, shaking their heads because Nick sucks and they all know it. Tanner explains what a douche Nick was and reminds us what he did to Andi after the season was over – slut shaming her on national TV like a bitch.
Justin gives a speech in support of Kaitlyn’s choice so she gives him the group date Rose. Well-played Justin. Tanner is kind of being a bit of a bitch about it but I agree with him.
The next day there’s a voiceover of Kaitlyn calling Nick with scenes of the city, snow coming down and very somber music. Okay ABC, calm the fuck down. Kaitlyn meets up with Nick the next day and tells him that she think she would regret it if she didn’t let him stay and explore their chemistry. EWWWWWWWWWWW.
Jared the wet rag gets the one-on-one date. I don’t get Jared’s appeal AT ALL. Also his hair, what the actual fuck? They have their date at the Met, which is pretty cool I guess?
Kaitlyn goes to get her hair did for the date by Ashley S., the contestant from Farmer Chris’ season who seemed a bit mental.
And then, just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, Jared pulls out a poem he’s written for Kaitlyn, one of the lines being, “and then in conclusion, as I cross all my T’s and end all my I’s with a dot, I just want you to know that I like you Kaitlyn, I like you a lot.”
Holy shit. Any normal person would have to cut him after that, but Kaitlyn is apparently blown away by this sad excuse for a poem that a nine year old must have written.
Then there’s a heli ride, so much excitement and Jared says some stuff like, “I can see myself falling in love with this girl and I can see myself marrying her.” Well Jared, I can see you packing your bags soon and going home, buddy.
Kaitlyn says that this day ended up being one of the best days of her life. For reals? I must say, it’s nice to see the show using their budget for some cool heli shots.
The next day Kaitlyn tells her guys that she’s decided that Nick is going to be moving in with them tonight, OMG. Ryan Schnozling is not impressed. Ryan B is right when he says, “it’s really annoying, it’s silly, there’s a lot of adjectives I could probably pull. There’s tons of guys out there, where does it stop?” Good point. I sense a mutiny.
Next is a Broadway-audition themed group date where Kaitlyn reveals that she loves the Disney musical Aladdin and knows the words to all the songs. Come on.
Ian reveals singing is one of his “many talents” and he’s pretty pumped for his audition. Chris the dentist reveals that he has sung the song before, in the shower, in the car and is excited to sing it to Kaitlyn. What? Chris might also be gay though, which is an unfair advantage when it comes to Broadway, just ask Hugh Jackman. Shawn the Welder says that if he sang like Chris did in his audition he would get beat up when he went home.
Chris wins the audition. Ian looks devastated.
After the performance that night, Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris climb up stairs to the roof where the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball is kept. Chris refers to it as “the center of the universe.” No, dude. He gets a rose, of course.
Then we see the camera following Nick through Times Square and into the hotel, all the way up to the guys’ hotel suite where they’re all waiting in anticipation.
The episode ends with Nick opening the door and, “what’s up guys?” Is all we hear.
DRAMATIC.
The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4
VILLAINS GONNA VIL
This week’s episode began where last week’s cliff-hanger left off – with Kupah being a drunk idiot in the driveway of the Bach Mansion, because Kaitlyn had cut him for being a big, annoying baby and not just being able to chill until he was able to have some time with her on either a one-on-one or a group date like all the other bros there.
Kaitlyn comes out to the driveway in her hideous, low-cut in the back, sequined gown because she can hear the racket he’s making from inside and tells him to stop and just accept that nothing is changing. People like this who can’t read situations or take no for an answer are the worst. You’ve just given Kaitlyn a glimpse into what life with you would be like.
Kupah was feeling, maybe rightly so, a little insecure about being perhaps one of the token black guys but he handled it really badly. Plus he’s a bad drinker. He actually left with his cocktail in his hand still. Bye Kupah, see you on Bachelor in Paradise!
Then shit got real and Kaitlyn had her first tears on camera after having to give Kup the boot. She didn’t know it was going to be this hard, guys. She’s probably also sad about how they dressed her for the rose ceremony in a bad red-carpet look. Get a good stylist already, ABC, and start dressing these girls in something cute and current and age-appropriate FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
The rose ceremony, which was cut short last week, starts with the first rose going to Jared the restaurant manager, who has finally shaved that sad excuse for scruff on his face for his one-on-one interview but then cut back to the rose ceremony and he still has that sad facial hair which makes me wonder when he shot those interview scenes. Next rose goes to the good-looking Ben H, then Shawn AKA Ryan Schnozling the personal trainer, Jonathan, Tanner, Chris “cupcake” the dentist, Ryan, Justin the other personal trainer, Ian, Joshua the welder, Joe the cartoon dinosaur and last but not least Tony the weirdo healer.
Kaitlyn has another cry after the rose ceremony because it was so hard. What’s hard is imagining how much Britt would be crying already if this were her rodeo.
This episode, though, was about bonds being forged and villains emerging – the classic Bachelorette formula.
The next morning the guys are awakened by two sumo wrestlers banging on a gong and my first question is why are they all sleeping in bunk beds? Doesn’t this mansion have like 27 bedrooms? These dudes are stacked on top of each other like freshman year in B dorm.
JJ, who is getting the beeeeeeeest edit ever proclaims, “I really love Japanese culture, I love sushi.”
A big deal is made out of Joe’s left nut hanging out of his sumo get up. Guys are so base.
Tony, who seems emotionally unstable, had a hard time with the Sumo wrestling-themed group date and stormed off after being tossed out of the ring by a large Japanese chap. Kaitlyn goes after him calling his name and he ignores her for a bit, then finally says a bunch of weird shit like, “they don’t know they’re fucking with,” “I view the world through the eyes of a child,” and “I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.” Okay, guy.
Tony, who probably has an IG account called @NamasteManBunWarriorGypsy, ends up bouncing though and the you can hear all the producers crying off-screen as he takes his weirdo-ness with him.
Clint, who apparently wrestled in college, wins the group date by tossing the other bros around like sad sacks of Axe and LA Looks scented potatoes.
That evening Kaitlyn gets her groove on with the guys on the tail end of the group date. She kisses Chris cupcake dentist, who I am not feeling, Clint plays hard to get which backfires later, Shawn B says he’s never fallen so hard so fast for someone, even though he’s never actually hung out with her one-on-one for more than 10 minutes.
We start to see Clint’s true colors when his plan flops, leading him to say he’s not sure Kaitlyn is the right girl for him because he knows he blew it, then makes a comment about how he’s enjoying his relationship with JJ because he “has a lot of levels.” JJ seems like a legit date rapist, and his favorite movie is A River Runs Through It.
Kaitlyn is “sent” on a one-on-one date with Ben Z, apparently orchestrated by the producers. She refers to him as “babe soda,” or something that sounds like that, which must be a Canadian thing?
The date is at some place called The Basement, an escape room situation where you’re locked in a dark room with scary things and 45 minutes to figure out how to escape by looking for clues to a password that unlocks the door. This was the worst date in the history of dates. No thanks.
Kaitlin is immediately confronted with her phobia of birds as a couple of pigeons fly out into her face when they open the door to enter. Bird phobia is very weird, why would you be scared of birds?
Kaitlyn seems to be pretty into handsome, tall Ben Z though.
The next group date is some stupid prank where the guys think they’re giving school kids sex-ed lessons, with each guy having a different topic to cover. Snore.
Ben H kills this date and Kaitlyn is feeeeeeeling him, saying,”she’s hoping he brings the heat tonight because if he does, it’s game on.” He does bring the heat later that night as they make out and he says that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend and according to Kaitlyn he knows how to kiss. Ben H is now the front runner.
Joshua the welder confesses to Kaitlyn that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. What? And he’s never been in love, which is a red flag. Basically he’s moving too slow and he’s going to get left behind, poor thing. He’s way too earnest for this show.
Kaitlyn is inexplicably attracted to Jared the restaurant manager and has another make out session with him on the group date, saying that “this one is a man and I love that.” I can’t get past his facial hair and close together eyes. Jared says that he is falling for Kaitlyn on basically his first group date.
Homegirl gives the group date rose to Ben H though and Jared does not look happy, in fact he looks like he’s about to cry.
The next part of the show is dedicated to what ABC have been alluding to as “Brokeback Bachelor”, the budding bromance between JJ and Clint, which appears to be in full swing.
I thought Clint was okay at first but seeing how he’s gravitated to JJ, who is pretty much a complete tool in my estimation, has really made me think twice. But I am really enjoying this story line and the emerging villains these two are showing themselves to be.
With carefully orchestrated questions and some clever editing the producers really have made it seem like these two fall in love with each other with Clint admitting that he and JJ have grown very close, “almost too close. In the room and in the shower.”
So we get to the rose ceremony night and couple of things about some of these bros and their fashion choices – Jared is wearing a T-shirt under his shirt and Joshua has a fug check shirt on that no straight guy should ever be caught wearing.
JJ delivers another epic line, “it’s time to start letting the guys that really matter, Clint and I, start getting more quality time. Let the big dogs hunt, dude.” Please, let him keep talking.
Clint, meanwhile, realizes that he’s not a front runner anymore because he played it too cool and Kaitlyn called him out on it, so to compensate he’s maintaining he doesn’t think Kaitlyn’s the right girl for him anymore but he really loves JJ so he wants to stay in the house so he can have more time with JJ.
So in the matter of one episode Clint’s now the show villain, fooling Kaitlyn into thinking he was into it, kissing her and then saying, “yeah, I had on my power socks so I felt like I had the power and I had to just abuse it,” and, “yeah, I’m not really interested in Kaitlyn but I need a rose tonight, so the boys have something to be worried about.” He’s amaaaaaazing.
Kaitlyn continues having one-on-one time with the other guys during the cocktail party while JJ and scheme on the sidelines, at one point they cheers their glasses and Clint says, “villains got a vill.” I mean you can’t write this stuff.
JJ continues to be intercut with Kaitlyn talking to the guys, saying things like, “I feel like it’s boys versus men right now and feel I’m dealing with like a bunch of JV croquet players, these guys need to like step it up, just be some men for a change, just be a man.” He’s secretly worried that all the other guys are talking shit about him to Kaitlyn though, which they should be.
Seems like a few of the guys have told Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ and Joshua the welder puts the last nail in Clint’s coffin. She’s heard enough and has figured out that Clint played her and she’s not impressed as she goes to find Clint and send his ass packing.
TO BE CONTINUED.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 73
FIFA, Chris “Grifter” Gatling, the real madman of North Korea, STDs, “manscaping” and the Bachelorette. Get it.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 72
Darren Rovell, Aaron Hernandez, the most distinct names in every profession, the Bachelorette, an exclusive interview with Johnny Depp and more #lyfecoaching.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 71
Special guest Jason Stewart joins the crew to talk about sexting politicians, state cause of death rankings, the Bachelorette premiere and the Mad Men finale. Get it.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 70
Doppelgangers, Chris Christie, Australian rugby shenanigans, Florida news, the Million-Dollar Baller Battle, Terrence Howard’s shortcomings and a Bachelorette preview.
The Baller Lifestyle Podcast Episode 69
Pacquiao-Mayweather, doppelgängers, Greg Hardy, the Houston Rockets’ Twitter, Mike Tyson’s appetites, Creflo Dollar, Chuck Norris and more #lyfecoaching.