Send your sex and relationship questions to FanceeSex@theballerlifestyle.com, and Brian (@BrianBeckner) and Cate (@FanceeSauce) will answer them here.

 

 

Rebber emails: Besides Lenny Kravitz, what musician puts out the best albums I could listen to while pounding out my girlfriend for hours? Please don’t say Enya.

Brian: Good question, Rebber. And nice job on “pounding” your chick for hours on end. She deserves a medal (and some salve I’m guessing). You can pretty much never go wrong with L. Kravz. I mean, his music sucks and he seems like the most affected human in recorded history, but other than that he’s your guy.

Keep your eyes on the prize here, Reb. The soundtrack is incidental to the jam session you two are working on together.

My suggestion: Let her play (naughty nurse and) DJ. Plug her phone in, hit random on her music library, and take a little gondola trip to pound town. Sure, there’s potential for a Miley Cyrus track to make your Queen’s Guard break his mount, but the risk is totally worth the reward. Just pray to God you’re finished before Eddie Van Halen’s Eruption produces one of your own.

Cate: I have two concerns here. One is that you’re “pounding out” your girlfriend for hours. I’m actually going to guess that this part isn’t true, and that’s a good thing. Second, that you own or have access to L. Krav. If you don’t want your lady to experience a bad case of sudden onset vaginal dryness which no amount of KY is going to remedy, please keep that fact to yourself and definitely don’t ever play it if you’re hoping to get laid. Personally I’d go for something a bit sexier like Rhye. Or Sade if you’re more basic. Good luck though and try giving her an orgasm, versus just “pounding her out.”

 

 

Aaron queries: My friends are setting me up with someone I barely know. What is the perfect first date? French restaurant? Live Music? Laser Tag?

Brian: Two words: Karaoke.

Cate: I think an early movie and dinner afterwards is always a good call. There’s something about dissecting a movie you’ve just seen with another person that tells you A LOT about them. This is also a good way to segue into conversations about other movies and find out about potential deal breakers like if they own all of Adam Sandler’s movies on DVD or what kind of porn they’re into which is VERY IMPORTANT INFO.

 

Colin writes: Whenever I go to YouPorn, half of the videos seem to be close-ups of the guy’s junk. Is there a specific type of movie that can minimize the risk? Also, does anyone actually enjoy seeing the guys finish?

Brian: I once knew a guy that complained of a serious problem he was having “accidentally” stumbling upon transsexual porn. As a seasoned online porno consumer who has yet to ever “accidentally” encounter any such horror, I could only conclude that it was, in fact, his (possibly subconscious) intention to watch Brazilian dudes with breast implants playing find the Adam’s apple. So, embrace your love of dong “Colin.”

As to your issue with seeing “the guys finish” I’m not convinced anyone likes that. Particularly in the unsavory way it typically occurs. This, like dong spitting and acrylic nails is one of the unfortunate negatives associated with watching people have sex on the Internet.

Cate: Sex has been manipulated by the patriarchal society forever and for that reason there’s a proliferation of online porn with constant CU’s of dongs because men are obsessed with their dongs and “finishing,” mostly suggesting that is what sex is all about. It’s not, and if you’re un-evolved enough to still think that, you’re a bit sad. Maybe it’s time to widen your search away from dick CU’s and face finishers. It’s not as prolific, but porn that shows a woman getting sexed nicely that doesn’t involve both those things is out there and it’s a lot sexier than what you’ve probably been watching. It all depends on how evolved your sexual mind is though.

 

Solomon wonders: How do I indicate I would like oral sex without having to use my hand to push down the top of my girlfriend’s head?

Brian: The cool thing about living in an era where everyone has been so desensitized to graphic sexual images and behavior is that there’s no longer any topic that’s taboo. You want your girlfriend to do something? Ask her. My guess is she’s cool with it. These days finding a girl who’s shy about oral sex is like finding a unicorn holding a winning lotto ticket and the keys to a liquor store.

Cate: A. Only date rapists use this move. B. You can just ask her. C. The fact that you have to ask might be an indication of a larger problem – your girlfriend doesn’t like oral sex.

 

 

Doug Doran asks: Is there any nice way to tell a lady that you don’t want to date her because she has too many tattoos? Like if we went to a pool party, my buddies would think I either picked her up at County Jail or when she was working at the carnival. Please advise…

Brian: Everyone has a line that just can’t be crossed. Yours truly gags at the sight of French-manicured anything – DEAL BREAKER. That said, tattoos have become so mainstream I’d encourage you to step out of your comfort zone before you judge that inked-up book for its koi fish cover. There’s a person under those tattoos and it sounds like there might be something about her that intrigues you. And seriously, who cares what your shitty buddies think? Those guys are all in miserable marriages anyway. They have quarterly sex with someone they hate, exclusively in missionary position while the wife barks at them to hurry up and finish so she can get back to Real Housewives of New Jersey on the DVR. But if the tattoos are still a turn off, just let her know. No one can fault you for being honest, and there are plenty of dudes out there that’ll see your leftover gravy and come running with a biscuit.

Cate: This is pretty simple really. If you like a person and are attracted to them what your friends think shouldn’t matter to you and if it does then you have some issues of your own you need to sort out. If someone’s appearance doesn’t do it for you, including a lot of tattoos, then it’s just not your deal and why sweat it? You don’t need to tell someone the reasons you’re not attracted to them, and hence don’t want to date them, it’s just unnecessary. Letting people down nicely is a character virtue, honesty is not always the best policy when someone’s feelings are at stake. But just a guess, if she has all those tattoos she probably doesn’t give a fuck what you think of them.

 

 

 

In the beginning of Back to the Future Part II, Doc Brown brought Marty and his girlfriend, Jennifer, on a journey to Wednesday, October 21, 2015 – exactly one year from today.  The fast-paced, technologically-advanced future was mind-blowing to 1985 Marty.  You know who else would be blown away by BTFF II’s view of the future?  Everyone living today.  Here’s what will have to come true in the next year if BTTF II’s future is to become reality.

Empty out your closet, you’re gonna need a new wardrobe.

Immediately after landing in 2015 Hill Valley, Marty was given a new wardrobe by Doc so he could pass for a contemporary youth.  Apparently, his jeans, short-sleeved button-down, and suspenders were completely out of line.  “All kids in the future wear their pants inside out,” Doc informed Marty.  He then outfitted Marty with a self-fitting jacket, a color-shifting baseball cap, and a new pair of shoes.  Well, covering up Marty’s suspenders made perfect sense (because what person under the age of 70 wears suspenders?) but it’s tough to take a man seriously while he’s wearing silver wraparound sunglasses, a yellow lab coat, and a clear, plastic tie.

But Doc Brown had a point.  A quick walk through town revealed nobody wears anything resembling today’s clothing.  Out with navy blues, grays, browns, and blacks.  In with all those weird colors nobody uses at the back of the Crayola 64 box.  When it comes to work attire, not only has the recent trend of men-not-wearing-ties reversed but professionals in 2015 wear two ties!

Comfort is out when it comes to casual wear.  Hats now resemble metal colanders.  Everything will be big and bulky.  It will be a lot like 1982, just without the Hall & Oates.

The Good News:  With technology in Fall 2015 allowing us to have clothing that dries itself and shoes equipped with power laces, life gets much easier.

The Bad News:  Can you imagine the tragic consequences of having a toilet emergency while wearing inside-out jeans?

Airlines and John Travolta won’t be the only people flying the friendly skies.

As soon as the Delorean hit 88 miles per hour in 1985 at the beginning of the movie, Marty was transported to a 2015 highway in the sky.  That’s right.  Flying cars are finally due to arrive next year.  For the reasonable price of $39,000, cars can go through a “hover conversion” that turns them into “highway fliers.”  Gone are the days of traffic clogging the streets.  Most distance transportation is airborne.

That $39,000 price becomes even more reasonable when you realize paying for fuel is no longer a thing.  In the near future, a company called Mr. Fusion will invent a contraption that converts household waste into fuel – from banana peels to beer floaters.

If the car breaks down, the sneaker express might be your best option.  Taxi fares skyrocket in late 2015.  Marty’s taxi fare from going from one side of Hilldale to another is $174.50, more expensive than using Uber in 2014 to go from Los Angeles to San Diego.

The technological boom of the next year won’t be solely for the grown-ups.  Kids get around town in cool hover-boards and hover-scooters.  Farewell, skinned knees and loose teeth caused by treacherous cracks in uneven sidewalks.  So long, dog poop-covered wheels.

The Good News:  Thanks to Mr. Fusion, the world can enjoy a complete independence from oil.  No more BP disasters.  No more OPEC conflicts.  No more paying staggering amounts every time there’s a gas shortage.

The Bad News:  Modern vehicles in 2015 don’t appear to have doors.  People are forced to enter and exit through an overhead hatch, like an F-14.  That’s all well and good for a spry 17 year old.  But for a middle aged person with a balky knee?  That’s going to be a problem.

Buckle-up, Legal System.

Sweeping changes in the legal system should be expected any day now.  According to Doc, “The justice system works swiftly now that they’ve abolished all lawyers.”  In October 2015, things speed up to the point where people can be arrested, tried, and convicted within two hours.

Despite the overcrowding in jails as a plague to the state of California, it appears they are poised to increase sentences for crimes across the board.  Simple theft increases from it’s current maximum of three years in the pokey to a whopping 15 years in the slammer!   Helping someone attempt to escape the gray bar hotel goes from an average of 16 months to twenty years!

Apparently the harsh sentencing will serve as a rather large deterrent, however.  The USA Today’s front page on October 23rd, 2015 features the arrest of a local California teen for theft.  Clearly global conflict is a thing of the past by next year.

The Good News:  With no drawn-out trials, it’s safe to assume Nancy Grace will be cancelled in short order.

The Bad News:  The only thing worse than 1.1 million lawyers working in America is having 1.1 million unemployed lawyers roaming the streets with nothing to do.

Hope you don’t feel too attached to your kitchen, living room, smartphone, tablet, or the view out your window.

 

One peek inside the 2015 McFly home reveals a much different home experience.  The windows are now covered by non-HD scenery channels.  Why look outside when you will have a grainy view of the Taj Mahal at your disposal?

Clutter in the kitchen will be a thing of the past as there is a decreased need of any of the appliances we now know.  Ovens, stoves, and microwaves have been replaced by a food hydrator.  A hockey puck-sized disc can be instantly transformed to a delicious pizza in three seconds.  A remote control causes a vibrant garden to drop down from the ceiling.  Endless food is at your disposal.  Well, actually, that sounds a lot like 2014 America.

Despite the recent iPhone 6 launch, smartphones are nowhere to be found by Fall of next year.  If the phone rings, get ready for a unspeakable horror.  All phones work like Facetime.  Not only is avoiding a call no longer an option, not being seen is no longer an option either.  If you’re watching TV, your screen instantly changes to said interactive call so you can be face-to-face with the rude individual who callously interrupted you.

Speaking of TV, it is now consumed at home like you’re a patron in a sports bar.  Six televisions run concurrently.  Multitasking is no longer emailing while watching TV.  It involves consuming six voices at once.  Happily, none of the six screens in the McFly household were tuned to NBC’s prime time lineup.

Finally, I hope you didn’t throw out that fax machine fifteen years ago.  Faxes are back in 2015.  Instead of wasting time worrying about why, it might be a better use of your energy to invest in International Paper.  A paper storm is coming.

The Good News:  A world without having to figure out what wattage your microwave is when reading cooking instructions.

The Bad News:  Having no phone to stare at when standing near your neighbor in the supermarket line.

If you’re in the service industry, you might want to polish the resume. 

October 2015 is an automated society.  Auto shops, waste management, restaurants, and even dog walking no longer rely on humans.  It should be a vast improvement on current customer experience.  After all, who has ever found automated phone services anything less than spectacular?

There is good news for the employes of the beleaguered US Postal Service, however.  They are still in business but continue to be the butt of jokes.  Hey, at least you have a job, right?

The Good News:  No more food servers that try to remember your order without writing it down but, inevitably, fail.

The Bad News:  If you thought Starbucks was full of way too many out-of-work actors writing terrible screenplays, wait until all the bartending and food-serving jobs disappear.

Get ready for a long life.  

As Marty is changing into his 2015 clothes, Doc Brown tells him about the wonderful world of “rejuvenation clinics,” which offer a “whole natural overhaul.”  Gone are wrinkles, receding hairlines, and failing organs.  A quick trip to the clinic and you can add three or four decades to your life.

With these types of advances in medical sciences, sports as we know it will be tremendous.  The world’s fastest man will be able to run the 100 meter dash in five seconds.  Home runs will travel 1000 feet.  Lebron will no longer have to sew together nine headbands to cover his fading hairline.

The Good News:  A longer, healthier life means more experiences, more time with loved ones, more time to relax.

The Bad News:  This means Ryan Seacrest is NEVER going away.

Major League Baseball is in for a pretty big shakeup.

Marty learns that the Chicago Cubs win the 2015 World Series in a sweep over Miami.  Despite finishing the 2014 season with a 73-89 record, the Cubs are expected to cruise to their first championship in 107 years.

Miami fans should also be quite pleased with the results as well.  After all, their 77-85 record in 2014 doesn’t exactly scream “championship ready.”  By next year, they’ll be in the World Series!  Let’s hope the fans weren’t too attached to the National League or the nickname Marlins, though.  As of right now, the Marlins play in the NL East.  Since the Cubs have been in the National League forever, it looks like Miami will be following the Astros to the Junior Circuit.  And the mascot in the hologram looks like an alligator or a crocodile.  Either way, that will have to change.

Finally, the USA Today headline about this series reveals the win happened in game 5, even though it was a sweep.  Guess they’re moving to a best-of-9 series.

The Good News:  Good for Cubs fans.  They’ve been waiting long enough.

The Bad News:  All these changes will have miniature blowhard Bob Costas pontificating for years.

Save up and enjoy the ride.  

If you can get past the fact that Doc Brown casually uses an electronic “sleep-inducing alpha rhythm generator” on Marty’s girlfriend, which is essentially a futuristic version of Rohypnol, the future is looking bright.  So, go get tranked (future talk for drunk) and save your money.  Seems like we’re going to have to buy a lot of new stuff.

Follow Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) on Twitter. 

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