Paul A. asks about the effect crummy names will have on hurricane warnings:

Do you think the mindset-based-on-gender thing will take a turn and female hurricanes will be taken more seriously in the years to come once we are faced with male hurricane names like “Hurricane Caden” and “Hurricane Kodi”?

Ed: Paul, you bring up a very important point. The stupid name epidemic isn’t just an annoying thing in our lives. Stupid names could help destroy civilization.

Fast forward to 20 years from now. The governor of New York warns residents to leave Manhattan. Hurricane Jaden is picking up steam and heading right for midtown. Nine million people think of Jaden Smith.

9 million people shake their heads and continue their day. 9 million people are killed as the eye of the storm hits the Empire State Building.

There are two parenting rules to live by in this world: 1) never assume other people want to hear about your kids; 2) if your son’s name can’t be found on a souvenir license plate rack in 1995, he will endure a lifetime of scorn.

Brian: What’s scarier, Hurricane Kenzi? Or Supreme Court Justices, Jayden, Kayden and Ayden?

 

Chris has created the first Baller Lifestyle drinking game:

1. Take a drink or shot every time Fancee’s accent slips out.

2. Take a drink or shot every time Ed uses a simile or metaphor.

3. Take a drink or shot every time Brian either makes fun of a (fellow) short person, or verbally spoons Fancee.  

Ed: Excellent work, Chris. It’s a shame your keen sense of observation was wasted on something as terrible as a drinking game. You’re like the fastest horse in the glue factory.

Brian: A) Fancee has an accent?

2) If Ed’s metaphor includes a reference to 1980s pop culture do I have to pound the whole beer? Because I don’t think my liver can handle that.

J) I’m (world) average height and verbal spooning is a genius description.

 

Ben906 went to the most disturbing airport bar in the world:

I’m sitting at the airport catching up on #hetero things like the Baller Lifestyle podcast and having a beer or seven before my flight. However, I saw something and need you all to weigh in. 

What are your thoughts on two bros sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant? There’s enough room, no seat shortage in sight, yet Bro A and Bro B are sitting on the same side of the table.  Not across from each other. They clearly aren’t a couple but decided to get intimate while pounding down some fries. Isn’t this crossing a significant line of bro etiquette?

What’s the deal?

Ed: Whaaaaaa?!? I’m thoroughly perplexed. That just isn’t done here on planet earth. This isn’t a hetero thing either. If my wife sat next to me at a restaurant, I would immediately file for divorce. Here are the only times people are supposed to sit next to each other and converse:

1. At a bar.

 

2. On a talk show.

 

3. Against their will.

 

Ben, I sincerely hope you did the right thing and began screaming until homeland security hauled the bros off to the pokey.

Brian: First things first, great job imbibing at the airport. The airport is like the international waters of booze. It’s the only place (except for maybe the bar in Deer Hunter) where a guy can order a 32 oz. Budweiser with a Wild Turkey sidecar at 7:30am and nobody even turns their head (mostly because they’re on their third double Sark and Sprite). I’m always amazed when I walk into an airport and there are people not drinking. Like, how pathetic are these people’s lives that they don’t even realize that you’re supposed to get silly prior to flying.

Now, to your point about the two bros going hip-to-hip on a side of fries. This is a phenomenon I cannot speak to, not because I haven’t seen it, but more because I simply can’t conceive of a world where such behavior exists. We all know the universal rule of triangulating your position to the furthest urinal and leaving that empty seat between yourselves at a movie. I can’t imagine a scenario where two dudes would ELECT to booth up next to each other like two teenagers at the malt shop. The only conclusion one can draw is that Alfredo up-sold you one too many $3 Jameson shots with those tall Heineken drafts, because what you’re saying happened never happened.

 

Finally, Chris has a few names for our “How Fucking Old is That Guy”segment:

1. George Gaynes (dead or alive?)

2. Otis Nixon  

3. Richard Kline

4. Fonzie

5. Marv Levy

 

Ed: Brian and I have provided our answers below then looked up the real ages after the fact.

 

 

Gaines – That dude was way advanced in age when Punky Brewster and Police Academy came around. It was disturbing hearing his voice warble as he tried to teach orphan Punky life lessons or Mahoney about becoming an effective police officer. Both of those movies were in the 1984 range. Let’s say an even 30 years ago. Considering he was at least 70 then, I think George Gaynes would be ringing up triple digits these days. I say 100 and dead. – E.

There’s no way Commandant Lassard is still alive. He was 73 in 1987, which would make him a cool hundo today. I was worried that he might stroke out when that prosti fellated him under the podium. I agree with Ed, 100 and dead. – B.

(note: 97 and alive! Fuck yeah, Commandant Lassard!)

 

Otis Nixon – Nixon was so old in the mid 80s his face looked like it was the same material as the Easter Island Statues. Then again, I remember ol’Otis had an advanced relationship with the booger sugar. http://www.tmz.com/2013/05/06/otis-nixon-arrested-crack-cocaine/ I think I had a 1985 Topps card of Otis and, if I’m being generous, Otis looked to be 38. I say Otis Nixon is now about 68. – E.

Otis Nixon just looks old…like really old. Based on appearance, he was in his mid-70’s when he was roaming center field in Fulton County Stadium, but since he was an athlete we sorta know his age. He was probably in his early-mid 30s in the early 90s, which makes him about 53 or so. – B.

(note: Nixon is the double nickel, 55. Get some sleep buddy.)

Richard Kline – Larry was in that prime age of wily veteran at the singles bar (The Regal Beagle). I’ll say he was about 40 in 1978. That was 36 years ago. Larry is now 76. And I bet still slaying it at the RB. – E.

Wow, Larry. The Three’s Co. crew were supposed to be in their early 20s, right? But Larry Dallis looked about 47 at the time. I’ll round down and say that he was 40 in 1983, which makes him a spry 71 years young today.

(note: Kline is 70 and thrice married.)

 

Fonzie – The Fonz was a mechanic or bathroom attendant hanging out with high school kids at Arnolds. I’ll be generous and say he was 26 at the time of the first season which was probably 1975. I’ll also be generous and block from my memory that the coolest guy from my youth was hanging out with kids a good 10 years his junior. Arthur Fonzarelli is now 65. – E.

Fonzie was 40 playing 25. He was also mouth-sexing coeds on the jukebox, and playing Svengali to a team of high school boys in a diner’s latrine. He’s in his early 70s. – B.

(note: Henry “Fonzie”Winkler is actually 68. He was 29 and hanging out with high school kids.)

Marv Levy – Marv looked older than the wise old Chinese dude in Gremlins when the early 90’s Bills made their run. He HAD to be 75 in 1990. At the very least, Marv Levy is now 99 years old. Hang in there, Marv. The Today Show announcement is just ‘round the corner. – E.

Marv Levy was 79 in 1990. He’s 103. – B.

(note: Marv is only 88. Wow. That means he was in the 65-68 range during that Bills run.)

 

 

 

This week, the mailbag questions ranged from public shaming to bathroom etiquette to athletes who look like dinosaurs. But first, let’s take a moment to praise ourselves.

 

Dave Super Funny writes:

I can’t imagine how much work actually goes into making a weekly podcast. If you could give your listeners more than one per week that would be great. Or start sucking. No, don’t do that. I love the show. Keep it up. 

Ed: Thanks, Dave. You’re in luck. I think I can speak for Brian when I tell you we would be happy to record more than one podcast per week. All we need is one thing – money. If you would like become a sponsor, please let us know. In the absence of that, tell your friends to listen to the podcast. Listeners beget sponsors which means money which means Brian and I being able to get dope gold Baller Lifestyle medallions.

Brian: Hi Dave Super Funny, I’m Brian Super Lazy.

 

Wes the Fat Kid brings up the subject of bathroom etiquette:

Much like in the movie theater, unless it is completely unavoidable, you have to have a space between you and another bro in a public restroom, stall or otherwise.  Thoughts?

Also, unrelated, people who talk in the bathroom…bad guys, right?

Ed: It’s troubling to think there are people out there who still don’t know the rules: 1) maximum space between people at all times; 2) no talking whatsoever; 3) wash hands. But the bigger issues facing public restrooms are attendants and door construction.

Has anyone ever enjoyed opening the men’s room door and seeing some sad sack hovering over the sink with a stack of paper towels and breath mints? Why is this still a thing? It’s bad enough you have to expel bodily fluids outside of home base but now you have to pay some random guy in an ill-fitting tux or avoid eye contact while quickly washing your hands. If you have a bathroom attendant at your wedding reception, I’m cheering for a divorce.

Finally, I think it’s time to take a stand against people who design public buildings. Enough with the doors that open into the restroom. Nobody wants to touch that wet handle. And nobody wants to be forced to become McGuyver just to avoid touching said handle. All that needs to be done is make the doors open out so everyone can open the door with their feet, thus avoiding feeling like they need a Silkwood shower. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2Ec20v7wX8 Get on it, architects.

Brian: Bathroom etiquette dictates that you triangulate your position for maximum distance from every other dude in the john. As soon as you enter the restroom area your brain should go into full Terminator mode with a digital map of all the body heat in the room and a mathematically diagramed route to the urinal with the absolute furthest distance from any other living being. And unless you are a savage or a criminal or in the midst of a near-death hangover, it’s completely unallowable to drop anchor in any kind of communal restroom space.

As to the restroom attendant, I’ll happily sponsor a $60 round of drinks for relative strangers, but in a stare down with a bathroom attendant I turn into Seal Team Six and go with a stealth mode ninja crawl to the door to avoid giving that paper towel extortionist $1.

 

Doug Doran wants guys with the Mark Sanchez hairband to be shamed:

WTF is up with that guy?  I am seeing them more and more frequently and when I saw a dude at the gym the other day wearing one, that was it!  Besides a public shaming, shouldn’t they receive a beatdown?

Ed: I’m not advocating a beatdown of anyone but if a fracas involving this guy happens to occur, I’m most likely not stepping in. This guy and really any guy with creative hair (mullet, pony tail on top of the head, white guy dreads) of any kind should be avoided. It’s never a good thing when a guy tries too hard to cultivate a look. It’s ok to want longer hair but have some dignity. If Teen Wolf could perform athletically at a high level with all that hair and no strange hairband, no man should need one. The guy was covered in hair and averaged a good 70 points a game!

Brian: It used to be that the leather head strap steez was exclusively the domain of European soccer bros and now it’s somehow infiltrated its way into mainstream sports that people actually watch. If you want to rock a terrycloth headband like Cliff Robinson or Artis Gilmore, fine, because those have an athletic function and those guys were cool. But don the leather shoelace and who are you trying to be? Sasha Vujacic?

 

Finally, we got some terrible, decent, and great follow-up picks that were not chosen in the first Baller Lifestyle Draft. Here they are:

Round One: Choose a fictional action hero to babysit your children.

The big winner was Mark the Nomad who chose Leon: The Professional. Here’s his rationale:

He fits one of the main requirements of this category: He works on the cheap. This guy is basically a functioning invalid. He taught a 12-year-old girl all the tricks of the assassin game in exchange for teaching him how to read.  I know how to read. I teach for a living. I’ll teach him Algebra, Creative Writing, Chemistry…etc. The list is endless. I can have free childcare for teaching this poor bastard how to be a functioning adult.

Yeah, he’s socially awkward. Do you want a charmer watching your kids? I don’t. So what if he can’t wax poetic with the pizza guy when he rings the doorbell. He probably doesn’t tip. (I’m cool with that) and if the guy gives him any lip or gives your children an awkward glance he’s going to put a bullet right through the guys’ sunglasses.

Yes, it’s a bit strange that he taught a young girl how to be a cold-blooded killer, but the cache of action heroes with actual childcare experience is pretty slim.

Ed: An inspired pick by Mark. So much so that I left off the part where he admits he is attracted to 12-year old Natalie Portman. Take it easy, Mark. You don’t want people to know stuff like that. If so, your “teacher” status could be in serious jeopardy. If you had said Portman in Beautiful Girls, I’d be a little creeped out but would understand.

Brian: I felt kind of stupid for not picking Leon because he’s one of my all-time favorite badasses, but what’s up with his seemingly unchecked addiction to dairy products? The last thing I want is to leave my kid with a babysitter only to wake up the next morning fresh out of milk because Leon: The (childcare) Professional went on a lactose bender the night before. I know Leon can’t read and his roommate is an 11-year-old girl, but milk is a beverage for children and I don’t want mine to be deprived of it.

 

Round Two: Choose a pre-Civil War politician to compete in punt, pass and kick.

engineerhunter dug deep and came up with Xerxes I:

… dude had mad game tossing spears and kicking the severed heads of his minions who failed against those pesky Spartans

Ed: I like that you went 10,000 years before the Civil War to find your contestant.   What I can’t get on board with is the fact that one of the only known depictions of Xerxes is one in which he has someone holding an umbrella over his head. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xerxes_I   No way a diva like that wins an athletic competition.

Brian: I don’t know Xerxes because I never saw 300. #hetero

 

Round Five: Pick a TV mom you’d like to have sex with.

jhayes1985 came up with a real sleeper in Suzanne Somers from Step by Step:

when she was still in her prime and if she would fuck Patrick Duffy then my odds would be good

Ed: Somers was at her hottest as Chrissy Snow on 3’s Company but her Thighmaster-inspired hot mom comeback was a thing of beauty. As for your Patrick Duffy comment, let’s not forget he has been a regular in People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. I’m not entirely comfortable revealing why I know this fact.

Brian: She’s the Sherriff or GTFO.

 

Round Six: Choose a character from the greatest TV drama of all time, The Wire, to be your real life best friend.

DOUG DORAN redeems an alarming amount of people who responded that they didn’t watch The Wire with the pick of Bunk Moreland:

…he likes to drink and have fun, plus “I’m a humble motherfucker with a big dick, well, maybe I ain’t so humble”.

Ed: First of all, I never watched The Wire is not an acceptable answer. There are like five or six shows that every person should’ve watched. The Wire is one of them. I considered taking Bunk. He was a good dude and was always up for a beer and a ballgame. The downside is he strikes me as the kind of guy who would routinely piss or shit himself when you’re out drinking. That would get old pretty quick.

Brian: Bunk, while a good dude, like his buddy McNulty is a raging alcoholic. He would be a great friend right up until the 28^th time he vomited in your lap.

 

Round Seven: Select the achilles tendon of a fictional athlete that you would like to personally sever.

PAUL picks Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher from American Pie:

(he was a bitch)

Ed: Oz was pretty awful when you think about it. He ditched his lacrosse team in the state playoffs to go sing with Mena Suvari?!? Awful. For sure, he deserved an achilles slash.

Brian: Great selection. His rendition of Do You Believe in Magic might have been the douche-chillingest scene in cinematic history. Somebody should have done his tendon right then and there.

 

Round Eight: Assume you are incarcerated and a riot breaks out in the yard. Your only choice for survival is with the assistance of a character from 1970s or 1980s sitcom. Who are you taking?

Doug Doran and Paul went with Family Ties guys Nick and Steve Keaton.

Ed: Sorry, neither would fare too well in the gray-bar hotel. Nick was an eccentric artist. Steven was a pacifist. If you’re picking anyone from that show, it would have to be Jennifer. In the later years, she had a neck thicker than Takeo Spikes. I’m still comfortable with my pick of James Evans from Good Times but Jennifer Keaton would be a wrecking ball in a prison riot.

Brian: Nick was a slow adult. I’d take Mrs. Keaton over Mr. Keaton. I’m comfortable with my selection of the Fonz.

 

Round 12: Select a current athlete purely on the basis of dinosaur resemblance (Chris Bosh is exempt, obvious reasons).

Dave Super Funny points out the dinosauriest-looking guy outsided of Bosh wasn’t even taken – Rajon Rondo:

That guy is definitely a dinosaur. 

Ed: Definitely.

Brian: Definitely.