Is Juan Pablo Galavis the Dumbest Bachelor Ever?

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I don’t think there’s any question that the answer is clearly yes. Sure, the ESL thing doesn’t exactly help his case, but let’s be honest, in any language Juan Pablo is an idiot.

I also think that the only plausible reason ABC and the producers of the show had to cast this guy, who is unbearably dull, was to capture the Latino demographic they must have been missing. Right? Or maybe they misjudged women swooning over his accent (myself not included). Either way he’s not smart.

Let’s be clear, I’m not saying he’s in the same league as a sociopath like Brad Womack, or a wee little lunatic like Jake Pavelka. Unlike his evil predecessors I think the tears that regularly pour from Juan Pablo’s dopey close-set eyes have some dopey guilt and possibly some dopey empathy attached.

It’s become clear after watching him in action over the last eight weeks that Juan Pablo Galavis is both stupid, in the drastically low-IQ sense, and a narcissist, in the “I’m on a reality show” sense.

Having questionable motives is certainly helpful, if not a requirement, for Bachelordom (has there ever been a contestant on either side of the fence who’s sole reason for entering this contest was to honestly find true love?) but it also helps to be stupid. This is about being in the spotlight. Lacking a solid grasp of basic logic or morality might just land you a huge, cheesy Neil Lane rock. Call it a bonus.

Juan Pablo is looking for a pay day as much as a nanny. He’s been called out for not paying child support and now he’s obviously trying to carve out a reality TV career, which he hopes includes a turn on Dancing With The Stars, not to mention those M&M ads. We all know dancing is his first real love. And no one said you have to be smart to be an opportunist.

Ever the dipshit, he admitted to Andi Dorfman’s dad during Monday night’s hometown dates episode that he had come on the show to find a good stepmom for his daughter. This is actually how stupid he is. Mr. Dorfman replied, ”Your decision first has to start with you and that person.” It had apparently never occurred to him that he should look to connect with a woman before deciding that she could function as a live-in babysitter and occasional dance partner. There are probably some cultural differences at play here, but essentially this guy is a huge moron.

It makes sense though. After all, the producers wouldn’t want some smarty asking questions or somehow discovering that he’s a contestant on what is clearly (if only to the audience) a heavily manipulated game show. When date cards arrive they’re not dictated by the Bachelor (I’d pay money to hear him read aloud from the phone book though) just as none of what happens on the dates is either. The show’s producers have more control over these budding “relationships” than they want the audience to know.  Although at this point, does anyone really give a shit? Is there a video montage somewhere of the winner of every season’s reaction upon learning that her new fiancée didn’t actually own that yacht?

It’s insane to believe that every season the Bachelor or Bachelorette in question has NO idea who he or she is going to propose to until the last episode. Unless you’re Desiree Hartsock and the person you’ve decided on bails in the final hour so you just propose to your second choice. “Hey, why not? I mean, we’ve come all this way, I may as well marry SOMEONE.”

Poor Renee Oteri was dragged through this process because they needed an underdog for the audience to root for. She was never going the distance but it made for better TV to keep her around, to get our hopes up that she could have a happily-ever-after to her sad-single-mom-looking-for-love story. But viewers are more savvy to the ways of The Bachelor now, no one was remotely fooled. With the possible exception of Renee, sadly. The one person who was actually there for the “right reasons.”

So Dumb Pablo is left after home-town dates with the three girls who were the front-runners from the start, but he’s in way over his head because they’re all smarter than him, which is like saying a monkey is smarter than your shoe. He’s said nothing of substance to any of these women throughout the entire season, while they’re sharing their stories and feelings and wanting to tell him they’ve fallen in love with him. This shallowness can only be explained away by his rudimentary grasp of the English language for so long though.

The fact is that this show would be impossible with a cast filled with smart people. Those people might realize that the best course of action might be to abstain from having intercourse with someone you stand a 33 percent chance of coupling with in the short term and a zero percent chance of coupling with in the long term. If this game show were to cast contestants that realized they were on a game show there would be no game show.

And while I doubt that anyone is going to need convincing, if you’re on the fence about JP’s dumbness you can always read his blog.

 

 

Remembering The Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Show Ever

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The date was Janury 27, 1991. The site was Tampa Stadium. Scott Norwood was the goat. The game was between the Bills and Giants, but for some reason Warren Moon was hanging around in full uniform. Follow along as we revisit the greatest Super Bowl halftime of all time.

00:00   Serial killer glasses were a hot trend in the 80s. Brent Musburger was clearly not immune.

00:20   Small World sucks. It’s the most annoying ride at Disneyland. The only reason people go on it, and endure that horrible song, is for ten minutes of air conditioning. So clearly we need to put it on television in front of history’s biggest viewing audience.

00:36   Toddler cheerleaders jacked to the gills on Jolt Cola. Which one’s JonBenet?

1:16    Warren Moon is here in full pads. Does he think he’s playing? Never mind, he just wanted to awkwardly hold hands with Minnie Mouse. Are they dating? Is Warren Moon a furry? Why is he the only active player involved in this halftime show? Do you think super submissive Minnie caused Moon to reassess his relationship with his own wife thus leading the domestic violence incident a couple years later? Was Minnie a homewrecker? Unfortunately, the pressing questions are the ones that will never be answered.

1:30   Undertones of bestiality.

2:01   Goofy and Warren Moon with history’s most awkward high five that didn’t include Tiger Woods.

2:41   Considering that this is occurring in Florida, it’s pretty shocking that this is the first rattail we’ve seen.

2:50   Goofy and Roger Rabbit appear to be on ecstasy.

3:06   Roger Rabbit: “I feel calisthenics coming on!” Calisthenics is slang for MDMA.

4:48   Mickey Mouse, Pinocchio and a rat dressed like Friar Tuck? Ok.

5:30   A bunch of brats singing We are the World, somewhere Mike Jackson is salivating and prepping a batch of Jesus juice.

6:28   The PA announcer proudly says “And now, to honor our armed forces’ children, Coca Cola proudly presents New Kids on the Block!” Nice honor. What’s next, forcing the kids watch their conception video?

7:43   Hopefully Sha Na Na collected royalties for the New Kids gratuitous use of gold lamé.

8:02   All of the New Kids have a young boy on their lap. MJ fires his agent in a rage.

8:21   That runt didn’t earn those medals in combat.

9:02   Good luck getting this song out of your head. Speaking of that, wasn’t Walt Disney a nazi?

9:22   Everybody’s on mushrooms.

10:50   WIDE RIGHT. Scott Norwood’s miss took way too much blame that night.  It was hard for the Bills to escape the stink that halftime show left behind. The K-Gun offense was never in sync that night.

11:12   Pretty shocking to see Bill Parcells suspended aloft without the assistance of an industrial crane.

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