Don’t hate us for bringing you Macaulay Culkin’s Velvet Underground cover band with lyrics about pizza. Sure it’s awful. Yes it might be the most annoying thing on the internet.

This is a selfish act on our part. Frankly, we couldn’t handle the burden of carrying this information alone.

He also plays the kazoo.

We’re sorry.

If you’re like us “avoid extended family” comes right after “get wine drunk” and “eat yourself comatose” on the annual list of Thanksgiving to-dos.

We’ve found that pretending to be engrossed in televised sports keeps you out of the AK-47 spray of your Uncle Bob’s fanatical anti-Obama rants and Aunt Linda’s “roommate’s” extended dance mix treatise on your substandard stuffing recipe.

Ignore your family and watch football. It’s what your ancestors intended.

 

Thursday, November 28

9:30 AM (PT)

Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions (-6)

Money Line: Packers +220 Lions -260

Over/Under:  50

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock you know that the long awaited re-imagining of the single-greatest achievement in cinematic history ROBOCOP premieres in February. And unless you’ve been living under a bigger rock you know that fucking ROBOfuckingCOP is from fucking Detroit. The choice is pretty clear.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: Look, on principle no one should buy stock in Detroit, the municipal equivalent of Schleprock, but the Packers are almost as shitty without Aaron Rodgers as those State Farm commercials are with him. Take the Lions, lay the points. Also, ROBOCOP. Lions 24 Packers 13

 

1:30 PM (PT)

Oakland Raiders at Dallas Cowboys (-9.5)

Money Line: Raiders +375 Cowboys -460

Over/Under: 46.5

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: This is kind of like Sophie’s Choice except you’re hoping there’s room on the train to Dachau for Jerry Jones and Darth Raider. The Cowboys are the team you love to hate, and the Raiders are the team who loves to think you hate them.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: “Hey Carmine, I’m a degenerate. No one should watch, much less wager on this game.” Take the over, pour another glass of Beaujolais nouveau, and pray that Tony Romo has that game that keeps Jerry the Face cutting those fat checks. Cowboys 35 Raiders 17

 

5:30 PM (PT)

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Money Line: Steelers +135 Ravens -155

Over/Under: 40

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Not the criminal justice system in Milledgeville, Ga. Speaking of miscarriages of justice, there’s a nasty rumor going around that Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl. Luckily this remains unconfirmed.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: These teams are all kinds of boring, but you’ll be drunk by then. Take the over and cross your fingers that Big Ben breaks a femur or two. Ravens 27 Steelers 21

 

8pm (PT)

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (ABC Family)

Tryptophan vs. The Sweet Release of Death (even)

 

WHO YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR: Not the super morose and tragically self-absorbed bald kid who may or may not have Progeria.

WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR BOOKIE: Whose idea was it to spoon feed children this quasi-Christian schlock under the guise of entertainment?

 

 

 

Look, we’re not here to tell you what to do with your money, but if you’re not hiring international superstar Frank FUCKING Stallone to play your New Year’s Eve party you’re exactly the empty vessel all of your ex-girlfriends say you are.

From eBay:

“HE CAN’T DECIDE WHERE TO CLOSE OUT 2013….(sic)THE WINNING BIDDER GETS HIM, SO NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE THE ONE AND ONLY GRAMMY AND GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATED, FRANK STALLONE, PERFORM AT YOUR NEW YEAR’S PARTY OR EVENT!”

THE ONE AND ONLY! NOT ONE OF THE NUMEROUS FRANK STALLONE IMPERSONATORS AND/OR TRIBUTE ACTS CONSTANTLY TOURING THIS GREAT NATION.

“HE CAN’T DECIDE” but maybe you can sway him with a $20,000 stack? Because that’s where the bidding STARTS.

Sure that’s a late-model Japanese sedan or a remodeled kitchen, but logic (and common sense and good taste and DEAR GOD, HOW DID I GET THAT DRUNK? I PAID HOW MUCH FOR WHAT?) goes out the window when you’re talking about hiring the Frankster to rock your game room (and probably [hopefully?] try to bang your wife and/or mom).

Now before you scratch your head and say “that seems like a lot” remember most, ahem, artists charge a premium for holiday shows, and in this case that premium is somewhere around 10,000 percent, but can you really put a price on Sly’s brother jamming in the new year in your condominium complex’s rec room? Yes, 20 large.

Like, in due time. Don’t be so pushy.