Narcos, John Daly, KKK cheerleading coaches, Russell Wilson, Mexican dude has a massive dong, cop accidentallly leaves journalist voicemail describing her large breasts and more #lyfecoaching.

AshleyMadison.com, USC football coach, Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, DJs and more #lyfecoaching.

Scrotum tanning, topless teachers, weed, Subway Jared, Emile Hirsch, #lyfecoaching and MORE.

 

Dirty old man sexts, roller derby, Ashley Dupre, vloggers’ (smh) staged miscarriage and more.

 

Cecil the lion, Corey Feldman, Bob Allenby, testicular contusions, Wal-Mart, LSD and the Bachelorette finale.

Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Russell Wilson, Clueless, weaponized ejaculate and MORE.

The finale of the comprehensive review of the 1986 cinematic masterpiece Soul Man.

And Then There Were Three (Getting Lucky in Ireland)

This week opens to a doom-and-gloom vibe with talk of hard breakups and sexual regrets. Kaitlyn describes this, as she does every week, as “the hardest week yet.”

I agree with her, too many guys are squished on that tiny couch as they await their fates. The date card arrives and it’s Ben H for the solo date.

Shawn makes a joke finally when the date card is read. Also, Jared can read, who knew?

On the date, Kait tells Ben he seems like husband material and he reveals he’s afraid of rejection, just like every other person walking this planet.

Kait’s nose ring has started to really bug me.

They seem like a match in my opinion but I fear he’s not as slick a talker as Nick and not as macho as Shawn, things she appears to be attracted to.

They end their date in a cottage with a fire and some whiskey – AKA sex tonic – where Ben, still suffering from PTSD from his last relationship and maybe not over his last breakup tells Kait he feels unlovable. Who admits that? Ben might be a bit lame, a bit of a sook.

But then they make funny moustaches with their Irish coffees and everything’s okay again.

The Fantasy Suite dates come up, which have been rebranded “overnights,” and Ben talks about how they’re supposed to be about being totally physical, but for him they’re about getting to know each other better and to “talk all night.”

Kaitlyn is really taken aback by this, is he kidding? She cracks a joke, asking him if he’s a Virgin (he’s not).

Back on the tiny couch in the hotel the guys receive the group date card which reads, “Let’s let our love run a-muck,” and the four of them sit around trying to decipher the clue. What could it mean???!

 

Nick wears his really fake confidence well and Shawn says the group date is a good time for Kait to show him how she’s feeling. Didn’t she just tell you last episode?

The group date kicks off. Shawn gets the first alone time with Kait and they kiss and make up, then Nick saunters up and “steals” Kait away. Shawn doesn’t care because things are back on track with his girl.

Nick is so creepy and affected, there’s literally nothing appealing and authentic about him. His mumbling with his hand half covering his mouth is the worst and he’s back in his ladies leather jacket.

Joe’s turn. he’s from Kentucky, she’s from Canada – the Kentucky of countries, but alas she’s just not into him.

She asks Joe if he feels ready to be engaged at the end of this, not so subtly reminding him and us that they barely know each other. She tries to drop some clues but Joe, nice guy, is real dumb and not getting it.

He tells her he’s in love with her and her face can barely conceal the cringe. She breaks the bad news that she’s “not quite there yet,” and it “kills her.”

Joe’s feelings are all hurt, being a bit of an emotional retard, and this rejection is hard for him so he does what all well-adjusted people do and acts like a dick. I’m not saying he shouldn’t feel bummed out but he should’ve seen this coming.

Things get awkward fast and he tells her he’s “not saying shit to her right now.” Kaitlyn walks away, relieved I bet.

Shawn has taken to referring to Nick exclusively as “the other guy,” which is pretty funny.

Kait rejoins the guys and tells them she’s not handing out the rose and that she’ll see Nick at the Rose ceremony but that she feels like she and Shawn need some more time to talk later.

Nick has a tantrum about this in his interview because he’s a big baby.

Shawn’s excited for a nice relaxing night with his girl. Little does he know how opposite to that it’s going to be.

Kait blurts out that she and Nick had sex. Shawn’s reaction was what you’d expect from him by now, not very chill.

His first question is, “Do you regret it?” HAHAHAHAHA.

Shawn excuses himself to go call his mom and when he returns, he’s managed to pull himself together and man up. He wants Kaitlyn, he thinks she’s worth it. He also knows he’ll get his chance in the bedroom to show her what’s up.

The other guys, meanwhile, are all sitting around talking about who’ll get a rose, like basic bitches.

Shawn returns smiling but without a rose, so everyone’s fair game for tonight’s rose ceremony. 

The guys suit up for the axing ceremony.

Shawn reminds us again that he and Kaitlyn spent all night “talking.” I feel like he’s really wanting us to know that more than talking went down.

Shawn also has questions he needs answered before he can accept a rose and that if he doesn’t get the answers he’s looking for, “he may have to make the hardest decision of his life and walk away from love.”

What an idiot. You’ve come this far, calm down and keep playing the game.

He accepts the rose after drilling her again about “why him?” Referring to Nick. He can’t get past the fact that he hates Nick and she likes him.

Bye Jared. But honestly it’s about time. Outside, Kaitlyn talks about the moments they’ve shared then has a breakdown and Jared comforts her before getting in the limo and having a cry too.

No one hands Kaitlyn a Kleenex for her tears which she’s still wiping away when she walks back into the castle to join the three remaining guys. I can feel production saying, “No, don’t give her a tissue!”

After the break we see the guys packing up and are reminded by Ben that this week each guy gets a “Fantasy Suite” date. This is essentially the fourth quarter and it’s time to shoot some goals.

Shawn says he’s having a tough time dealing with the fact that the “other guy” will get the whole night uninterrupted with Kaitlyn. Does he know something about Nick’s equipment that we don’t? Does he not know that Ben will also get the same overtime as Nick? I feel like Ben’s the dark horse here and that maybe we’re being distracted by the Nick and Shawn rivalry.

They’re in Cork now, where things will be corked, so to speak. Sorry.

Nick is first up to forniKait, calling it “the biggest date of this whole process.”

Kaitlyn wants to know if her connection with Nick is more than just “passion.” But after walking around, checking out another church and swapping some childhood stories – Nick reveals his Catholic guilt began in eight grade after he “touched” himself. Kaitlyn says, “after today she’s realizing her connection with Nick isn’t just physical it’s kind of spiritual too.” Gag.

Later that night Nick gets to talk some smack about Shawn, who he knows has been throwing some serious shade his way. Nick is no dummy.

He alludes to a story that Shawn has told him about being “Eskimo Brothers” with some famous country singer because they both slept with the same girl in the same night. Shots fired!

 Kaitlyn chalks it up to Nick being jealous in the same way that Shawn is. Good call.

Nick knows how to talk to chicks though, and once again he wins over Kaitlyn and she busts out the fantasy suite card.

Then there’s some stupid prank and Kaitlyn pretends they’re staying in one of the jail cells in the old jail they’re in and Nick says, “I don’t care, I’ll do this wherever.” I mean at least he’s not high-maintenance.

At the real luxury fantasy suite, Nick and Kaitlyn go into to the bedroom and fall on the bed in an embrace and the camera zooms in on Nick’s hand touching Kaitlyn’s ass, before he gets up to close the door on us.

It’s so pervy and weird, giving all the visual cues so it’s clearly understood that SEX is about to go down. This show-sanctioned sex is far and away the creepiest thing about this franchise.

The next morning Kaitlyn and Nick luxuriate in the fantasy suite over room service breakfast, discussing how Irish bacon is a lot like Canadian bacon with their mouths full. She in her robe and bed-head, him with his shirt off still wearing all his bracelets.

Nick has been waiting for the chance to get topless and he makes the most of it.

Nick uses words like “glorious,” and “comfortable and uncanny refreshing openess” to describe his night with Kait, saying it was the best date he’s ever been on. Ever.

Kait is also still glowing in the aftermath of overnight number one. One down, two to go.

The last scene of this week’s episode sees Shawn go to Nick’s room to confront him “like a man.” He tells Nick that he doesn’t understand why he’s there and he doesn’t think that it’s for Kaitlyn. Shawn struggles to articulate how he’s feeling about Nick but it just sounds like he’s a jealous baby.

Shawn’s suffering from the particular strain of jealousy where you can’t fathom how a person could like you and also like a person you deem awful. It’s confusing.

And like every episode, it’s to be continued, which seems unnecessary at this point. We get it.

 

Diddy, Caucasian heritage night, Gilbert Arenas, Napoleon’s dick, ketchup porn, the Bachelorette and more #lyfecoaching.

Brandon Spikes’ hit and run, Ben Bishop’s runs, Tony Romo’s fantasy football convention, honey covered cocaine pellets, Charlie Brown, Charlie Sheen, Bachelorette shenanigans and more #lyfecoaching. Get it.