Shakedown in Paradise.

This week opens with Jared and Ashley I. starting their “alone time date” with talk of “popping” champagne and Ashley asking if she should put a cherry in the glass. So many cool innuendos. 

Jared has put a lot of effort into his look tonight, wearing his uniform of khaki cargo shorts and a bad white T-shirt. He’s just so basic.

Ashley I. talks a lot about the possibility losing her virginity tonight and that, “hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot.” She’s 26.

Mikey T. lets us know that he needs to talk to Juelia and let her know that he’s not feeling a romantic vibe with her. As much of a meathead as Mikey is, he says all the right things in the right way. Juelia of course breaks down in tears because she’s so desperate for a relationship, any relationship.

Carly says that, “it just sucks because she came here to find what me and Jade have found.” There will be A LOT of Carly foreshadowing during the next three hours.

Juelia packs her bags and leaves paradise, six weeks overdue.

Jaclyn, with her vintage stripper vibe, asks Justin on her date and he accepts.

Cassandra, from Juan Pablo’s season, is the next arrival. Dan Cox describes her as “unbelievably gorgeous.” Justin also thinks she’s “gorgeous.” She has pretty long hair, too. Apparently all these guys have eyes, which is cool. Not a whole lot of talk about womens’ personalities on this show, unless it’s negative.

Of course Cassandra is interested in Justin and picks him for her date. Justin tells Cassandra that he’s been asked on a date by Jaclyn but if he had a choice between going on a date with her or Jaclyn, he would rather go with her. 

Justin tells Jaclyn that he doesn’t want to go with her because he wants to go with Cassandra. Obviously this is pretty lame but in this contrived situation you just have to roll with the punches and keep your pride. Justin and Cassandra seem about equally matched IQ-wise anyway.

Jaclyn then has to go back to the girls and tell them she got passed over. She rips into Justin a bit in her interview about how he’s shorter than Cassandra and wearing flats for life is not not her thing. 

Justin goes back to Cassandra to tell her that Jaclyn is “totally cool” about it. 

Dan Cox and Mikey T. sit around debating about whether Ashley I.’s virginity has been “taken,” with Mikey saying that “the person who does that is going to get murdered in their sleep.” 

Ashley I. and Jared return from their overnight date and are being pretty coy, not wanting to give anything away just yet. Everyone is staring at them trying to figure it out. It seems like a no to me.

Cassandra and Justin leave for their date and Jaclyn is still annoyed. She says that someone like Justin rejecting her in the “real world” would never happen and that she just wishes he’d been “a bit more honest.” How much more honest could he have been? Should he have said that Cassandra has pretty hair and is way hotter than you? Girls are always talking about how they want guys to be “honest” but in reality that’s the opposite of what they want. 

Jaclyn is also feeling bad because no one has come to talk to her, knowing that she has a date card to use still. 

Up walks Nick, who had previously eliminated Jaclyn from the finals of Bachelor Pad series 3 and walked away with $250,000. There’s a grudge.

Jaclyn decides she wants Nick to beg for the date card and has him roll around in the sand, pretending he’s doing a sexy photo shoot. I would have thought of something WAY more humiliating than that, just saying.

Justin and Cassandra, two really boring people, go on a horseback riding date together. Justin is already referring to Cassandra as “sweet, funny, and really considerate” after knowing her for half an hour.

Cassandra takes her top off while riding the horse and we go into a objectification mini-montage. Girls are just pretty things to look at, after all.

Justin and Cassandra really bond over being parents and romanticizing how great it is having a kid. This would be a lot more real if they were talking about how hard being a parent is and what assholes kids can be 95 percent of the time.

Cassandra says she’s been looking for a guy like Justin forever, and that she feels very lucky after only being in paradise for a day and possibly finding love. Being simple must be so great. The word “refreshing” is used multiple times on this date. 

Back at the Villa, Nick asks Samantha to go with him. No idea what’s happened to Sam and Dan Cox since last week since she gave him her rose, it’s not even discussed.

Carly still dislikes Sam and talks a lot of shit about her to Jade, or anyone who’ll listen.

That night, Jared confirms that nothing happened in the “fantasy suite” with Ashley I. and that it just confirmed to him that his feelings are not as strong as hers and feels like their relationship is not going anywhere. Meanwhile, she has announced that she is in love with him.

Jared breaks up with Ashley I. for at least the third time, telling her that he thinks he’s going to leave paradise tonight. I mean, she had to have seen this coming but either way she’s learned a hard lesson that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try.

Ashley I. is wearing a tank top that says “I’m a Kim,” (as in Kim Kardashian, her hero) on it, which could have something to do with why she’s being dumped right now. 

One day she’s going to be so embarrassed about thinking Jared was The One.

Carly, empathizing with Ashley I., says that “coming on here and liking a guy who doesn’t like you back freaking sucks.” This is more of the foreshadowing I was talking about.

On their boring dinner date, Nick and Sam are treated to a special multi-course dinner, made by a chef who claims she has flown in especially to make them this meal from Mexico City. Nick pronounces ecstatic as ‘estatic.’

Nick is such a creeper. He’s constantly winking at Sam while she giggles fakely back at him. I just feel like this is all so awkward and there’s no way she’s really feeling him but Nick continues to sell Sam how pretty she is while she alludes to the fact that she has no idea what is going to happen, then she leans in and kisses Nick who is looking very confused. So bizarre.

Sam is not into the kissing, almost almost cringing during it.

Lots of Carly talking about how she pictures her future with Kirk their children running around etc. 

Everyone shows up for the rose ceremony, and this week the guys are handing out the roses. Chris Harrison drops a bomb and lets everyone know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, so no last minute wheeling and dealing.

Smug Tanner announces that about half of the people should just go home tonight. 

Ashley I. tells everyone that she’ll be leaving tonight, announcing that she “grew up” in paradise. She cries hysterically in the car over Jared as she leaves.

Nick gives his rose to Sam. Justin gives his rose to Cassandra. Dan Cox gives a speech when it’s his turn to hand out the rose, saying he hadn’t found love and was going home. Thank God.

Mikey T. gives his rose randomly to McKenzie but she says she thinks it’s time for her to go home and won’t be accepting the rose. Mikey decides he’ll also be going home and not giving out his rose either.  

Chelsie, Jaclyn, Ashley S. and Amber make an exit. Five couples remain.

Chris Harrison shows up the next morning and announces there will be no more new arrivals and that each couple gets a romantic fantasy suite date today. 

All these boring bros – Justin, Kirk, Tanner, Nick and Joshua, sit around discussing the fantasy suite dates. Kirk announces that he’s very “in his head” right now with annoying Carly. After that cruise ship song number following the rose ceremony though, who could blame him?

Kirk,wearing an orange tank top to complement his ginger complexion, tells the bros that he’s been having some doubts over the past week and that he can’t do it to her anymore and needs to have a talk with Carly. The dudes all look pretty shocked.

Kirk takes Carly away from the other girls for a chat on the beach and she asks jokingly if he’s breaking up with her. Eek.

Carly, sadly, has not realized that she and Kirk are not quite on the same page, maybe not even the same book, she really believes that Kirk is her “person” and that she is the luckiest girl in the world. 

Kirk is just another emotionally immature idiot who is not in touch with his feelings but tried to pretend he was. As annoying as Carly is, I feel bad for her in this moment. People who pretend to be something they’re not are not cool.

Carly starts freaking out and saying she wants to go home and that she can’t talk to him, she’s going to throw up, it’s very dramatic.

Kirk goes back to the group of bros and says, “I don’t know what even happened I feel like I just got punched and walked away from,” as if he’s the victim here.

Smug Tanner does not agree with what Kirk’s done.

Carly’s girls, Jade and Tenley, rally around her as she packs her bag while crying hysterically and saying she hates Kirk. Fair enough. 

Kirk comes up to the room to try and talk to Carly but she takes the only power she has now, which is to deny Kirk the conversation he wants to have. Bye, Felicia.

Kirk also pack his things to leave and cries in the car as he drives away. 

We see a montage of the guys getting ready for their dates and each one talking about how they feel about their respective girl.

Tenley, an earlyy adopter of Vision Boards, is pensively jotting down things in her notebook to try and help herself figure out how she feels about Joshua like, “living inspired” and “whimsical attachment.” Is she #blessed or #notblessed? Only the Universe knows.

Cassandra declines the fantasy suite portion of the date with Justin. I mean they JUST met.

Tenley talks to Joshua, who has all the gel in his hair tonight, and decides that she wants to give their relationship a real chance after paradise. I feel like this is a bait and switch. 

They retire to the fantasy suite for some “alone time.”

Tanner tells basic dag, Jade, he loves her and she tells him she loves him too. These two are perfect together. They spend the night together and presumably consummate their nauseating relationship. 

The next morning, Jade and Tanner snuggle in bed in their robes – the universal sign that they boned.

Back at the Villa, Chris Harrison gathers the couples around and tells them again to have a good hard think about the relationships because, “there’s nothing worse than an empty promise.”

I really don’t understand what all the freaking out on the last day is about. Like I know Chris Harrison’s telling you you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with these people now, but you actually don’t. 

First up on the Rose Platform are Justin and Cassandra. She accepts his rose.

Next up are Nick and Sam. Nick is dressed like an IT consultant but wearing flip-flops. I’m shocked that Sam continues the ruse and accepts Nick’s rose.

Sam says that Nick was the one the whole time and just took a little bit to see that. Suuuuuuuuuure.

Tenley ends up telling Joshua she doesn’t think that they should try to make the relationship work after they leave. Poor Joshua, he cries some big dopey tears on the way out. 

Tanner gets down on one knee and gives Jade some bootleg ring, not even Neil Lane! The two most boring people on the show decide to become one boring person.

#Janner is born and the world is now a worse place.

It’s Raining Drama

It’s raining in paradise, a bad omen indeed.

Joe is very upset that Sam has been asked out by Justin and has said yes, calling it, “the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life,” “I think it’s stupid, I think it’s dumb, I think it’s immature and it’s not fair, it’s not fair to Joe.” Yes, he talks about himself in the third person which is insane.

We are now witnessing the Joe sob story, he can’t seem to understand that Samantha may have played him just like he played that other annoying girl, pretending to be more into Joe than she actually was. She’s fickle but that doesn’t make her evil.

The vilification of Sam is a slow burn this week which reaches boiling point by the end. And what’s the big deal anyway? She hung out with Joe for a couple of days and now she might go on a date with another guy. Sam has options so why shouldn’t she? 

Tanner proclaims, “Samantha’s like a juggler but instead of juggling balls she’s juggles men.” Guys cannot deal with women who behave like men in the dating arena, it’s just not allowed.

Ashley I. wants to be like Sam so bad. 

Sam tells Joe she doesn’t actually want to go on the date with Justin, which makes it hard to understand her agenda here, and Joe wets himself with excitement. That was a close call and now he needs to find a way to lock Sam in a dungeon and keep her safe.

Everyone keeps referring to Sam as a “master manipulator.” I mean, she has a really pretty hair but I don’t think she’s a “master” at anything. Also, my theory about girls with really pretty hair is that it makes them seem more like a 10 when they’re really a 7. 

After Sam tells Justin that she doesn’t want to go on a date with him because it wouldn’t be fair to him if she’s thinking about Joe, he makes a beeline over to Amber and hits her up. Amber wants to be a girl with a lot of options, and she should be, but she’s just not.

Justin needs a tan bad.

Five-time Bachelor franchise alum, Chris Bukowski, arrives and he’s still “28.” Did they really need to bring this idiot back? Don’t we have enough already?

Justin and Amber are on their low-budget date in downtown Sayulita when they stumble upon a flash-mob salsa-dancing-scenario in a bar and Amber announces that she “loves dancing!” I would be so bummed if I got this date and not the boat date.

Amber removes Justin’s shirt revealing a very tragic sunburn he must’ve got that morning. Later, Amber and Justin make out in the ocean but afterwards Amber says she’s confused because she’s very attracted to Dan as well and starts crying, thinking she’s made a mistake by making out with Justin. These are the options she wanted but she’s not a Sam, she has real emotions.

Meanwhile back at Paradise HQ, new arrival Chris, who has been drinking since 9:30 am and still hasn’t asked anyone on his date yet proclaims that, “when the sun goes down that’s when Bukowski comes out.” Can’t wait.

When Amber comes back from her date with Justin, she takes Dan Cox down to the beach to tell him that she thinks she has feelings for him. He responds by telling her that he doesn’t think the connection is there for him, Amber looks crushed.

Amber thinks she blew it and shouldn’t have gone on the date with Justin. Girls always do this, blame themselves. Dan Cox admits has eyes for Sam, Amber was just a distraction.

Around the bonfire later, Chris asks Tenley out after he’s had 120 drinks and she declines the offer, saying she’d only accept if it were strictly as friends. Drunk Chris gets the message and has a big sulk. This was an unnecessary side show.

Joshua the welder asks Chris for his date card which is the only smart thing Joshua’s ever thought of and he and Tenley go to Guadalajara the next day where they purchase daggy postcards and fill them out. 

Afterwards, they eat at a nice restaurant where the food is a little too sophisticated for them. This part was so long and so boring I fell asleep.

Later that evening it’s rose ceremony time and the girls have the “power” this week. That’s all this show is really, a microcosm of power struggles between men and women, men and men, and women and women.

Chris Harrison uses the term “swing roses” to describe roses that are not going to the other half of a couple.

Ashley I., self-proclaimed “natural-born writer,” gives Jared a three page letter that she’s written him about her feelings in her teenager-handwriting which says, among other things, “I think you’re greater than Tom Brady.” Ashley I. is a real idiot but I still love watching her in action.

Amber says that her second choice after Dan was Jared and tells him she’s “intrigued by him,” which is bizarre because he’s such a zero personality but also Amber’s not really a bright spark, so makes sense.

Ashley I. is still talking about how she feels like Jared’s face was designed for her. She’s nowhere near close to letting go, she’s holding on for dear life. She will wear Jared down and force him to like her if it’s the last thing she does.

Amber takes Ashley I. aside to tell her she’s now interested in Jared and his face. Ash can’t cope with this at all, even though Jared’s not that into her, saying that this is the worst experience of her life because, “Jareds don’t come around very often.” 

Dan Cox, who is a bit of a tool, wants to make a move on Sam now. Samantha looks about 42 but he’s under her spell, her pretty, long hair has mesmerized him.

Joe is sitting on the couch saying cringey things to Samantha like how they’re a pretty good team like “Bonnie and Clyde.” Sam seems into Joe still, but that will only last about another 30 minutes.

Dan Cox says that watching Joe and Sam together is “like pouring generic ketchup on filet mignon. It doesn’t work and It’s actually offensive to everyone.” Dan has a plan though, he’s going to talk to Sam and tell her what a “piece of shit” Joe is. 

Juelia has completely turned on her “friend,” Samantha, saying she doesn’t understand what Dan sees in her that she’s totally manipulative and she doesn’t trust her. 

Dan Cox takes Sam down to the beach to “talk for a second” and asks Sam what was so great about her first date with Joe that keeps perpetuating the relationship and she says that it was almost like love at first sight. Sorry, what? Dan goes into total cock-block mode and writes Joe off to Sam, although everything he’s saying is accurate.

Joe feels extremely threatened by Dan Cox’s play and intercepts Samantha away from their conversation so he can give her a kiss and tell her she’s pretty. Basically peeing on her to establish his territory. This is both gross and desperate and illustrates Dan Cox’s point about how insecure and jealous Joe is.

At the rose ceremony Ashley S. is pretty wasted when she gives her a rose to Nick. Ashley I. gives her rose to Jared and he looks so nonplussed but Ash doesn’t seem to notice how not into it he is. Amber’s bummed.

Then Samantha gets up to give her rose and there’s only Joe and Dan Cox left. What will she do? In the biggest upset of the whole season, Samantha gives her rose to Dan Cox, leaving Joe with his dick in his hand, so to speak.

Captain Save-a-Ho, Dan Cox, cold not look more pleased with himself for turning Sam. Mission accomplished.

Some idiots, namely Tanner and Joshua, are trying to vilify Sam because she dumped Joe at the alter, even though they’ve been talking shit about Joe up to this point. It’s so hard to remember who’s done what to whom.

Carly, with her big mouth, says that Sam needs to buck up and accept the blame, instead of heaping it all on Joe. I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. Blame for what? For texting him before the show, pretending to like him more than she maybe did then dumping him? 

Joe wants his pound of flesh from Sam and threatens to show “everyone” their text messages from before she arrived on the show. Like, what’s the big deal? So Sam played some strategy before she got there, so what? Also dipshits, there is no prize here so who cares?!!!! 

Joe thinks that he’s been victimized when in reality all that happened was that Sam decided that maybe he wasn’t a good guy after all and dumped him. She got some late intel and went with that. What was she supposed to do here? I’m Team Sam.

On the limo ride out of paradise, Joe says that if he sees Dan Cox in public there will be an altercation. I mean, he could have done something just now. Joe is a huge pussy, all talk, ending his rant with, “dammit I should’ve fucked her brains out.” Who even says that in 2015?  

Ashley S. comes at Sam in front of the group and wants to know if Dan was one of the guys Sam was texting with before the show started. I think it’s pretty apparent now that Ashley S. has alcohol-related issues and the producers show yet another one of her alcohol-fueled rants during her interview where she talks about how beautiful Sam is, making very little sense. I’m not into this exploitative angle, they should stop.

Tanner tries to say that now Sam is stringing Dan along. Tanner is so annoying. Dan went to Sam, not the other way around, you simpleton.

Sam, at this point, should just come clean about the text messages because they’re inconsequential but she keeps lying but not very well. She ends up running off from the group in tears. She doesn’t understand why everyone hates her. She was a bitch to Juelia over Joe but that’s between her and Juelia. 

Dan Cox says that even if he’s Sam’s “default” he thinks they could still find something pretty special. Everyone wants to be a default, right?

Chelsie, from Juan Pablo’s season, arrives the next morning, wearing all the eye shadow, and is immediately dragged aside by Carly to give her the lowdown Carly-style and let her know who the couples are, including Jared and Ashley I. – who are not actually a couple at all. Carly tries to tell Chelsie she should ask Dan Cox out, scheming to get rid of Sam.

   

Chelsie asks Nick on her date. He is psyched and says he’s glad to get away from Ashley S. Poor Ashley S. 

Nick goes to tell Ashley S. the news about his date with Chelsie and she says something weird about how they went to bed at 6 AM and now it’s the afternoon. Nick tells her she drank a lot last night and that she kind of smells like a brewery which is probably true but pretty mean. 

Mackenzie, from Chris’s season, arrives next and Ashley I. reminds us about her love of aliens. Tanner says he’s not sure if she’s the “sharpest crayon.” This is an understatement.

Chelsie and Nick are on their date, cruising around on some drug dealer’s yacht. Nick always looks like he’s been hitting the booze really hard, is about 46 and bartends in the Keys or the Bahamas and is waiting to hear about a job at Club Med.

After their date, Nick says he didn’t feel a romantic spark with Chelsie and is still holding out hope for Sam which is probably wishful thinking.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, people are doing shots of warm tequila in the middle of the day.

The show frames Mackenzie as being not too bright, playing some ding-dong music while she’s talking about aliens and saying the “down-low” repeatedly when she means the “low-down.” She asks Justin on her date, which bums out Amber, who had just been doing those warm tequila shots with him.

Amber now feels like there’s no one there for her, which is crazy because she’s cute and seems fairly normal so far.

Jaclyn, from Ben’s season, who is “30,” arrives next. Everyone thinks she seems like trouble. She’s “ready to rumble, steal people’s boyfriends and disrupt the peace.” Jaclyn’s not friends with anyone there so doesn’t care about burning any bridges. She seems like a perfect match for my Mikey T., looks-wise.

Mackenzie and Justin head off on their date and her voice is already so annoying. They arrive at a scene that looks like the preparations for an Ayahuasca trip, complete with a priest to perform the ceremony, which turns out to be a “marriage” ceremony.

When they get back to the Villa, Mackenzie tells everyone that they got married and Justin’s worried that she really thinks they’re actually married. She does, but she’s not sure if it’s only in Mexico.

Ashley I. thinks she’s wearing Jared down slowly but surely until she sees Jaclyn talking to him and gets worried that she’s going to steal him away from her. She runs off to find Chris Harrison, who just happens to be lurking about, and asks him for a date card that leads to a fantasy night suite. Apparently there’s different rules for different people on this show.

Jared, who is a wet rag, starts to tell Jaclyn about the letter Ashley I. wrote him and she could obviously not give less fucks, making the observation that you can never trust someone with a belly button ring past the age of 25. Good point. Just when she’s about to ask him on her date, Ashley I. interrupts with her date card.

Jared, almost reluctantly, accepts Ashley I.’s invitation for the overnight date, probably relieved Jaclyn didn’t get a chance to ask him on her date. Jaclyn can’t believe that any guy would want to take somebody’s virginity at this age. I kind of agree.
There’s lots of talk about wether Ashley I. will give her up V. card to Jared with Tanner asking,”what if she just offered it up on a platter?” What does that even mean? Is there another way to offer it? I mean obviously if she’s not offering it it’s not being taken. The show’s obsession with the fact that Ashley I. is a virgin is the creepiest thing.

The show ends with Jared and Ashley I. leaving for their date, even though it already seems like it’s 9 PM. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!