This is where we answer your emails. Send us one: Mailbag@TheBallerLifestyle.com.

Here we go.

noreply@douchenozzle.com writes:

“Gym bag”. Good one, because nobody has had a gym bag since 1954, I get it. Good one. Might have been a bit too smart for your “sports” podcast fans, but I say, well done.

Ed:  Well, douchenozzle (or can I call you Mr. Nozzle?), thank you?  Your comment was a compliment, right?  But, more importantly, please expand on that gym bag comment.  Are you opposed to gym bags?  Are you strongly in favor of people of working out in work clothes?  How well do your Van Heusen and Dockers hold up on the treadmill?  I know it sounds presumptuous but douchenozzle just doesn’t seem like a Facconable kind of guy.

Or, maybe I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe your issue is just with gym bags as a means to transport clothing and toiletries.  Are you more of a hobo bindle kind of guy?  Your soonest response would be greatly appreciated.

Brian: Not sure what the origins of this email are, but I have, and will continue to embrace the use of gym bag. I work out on my lunch break and it gives me a place to put my sweaty gear when I’m done, but more importantly it’s a good place to keep the various creams and powders that my ass and balls seem to require more and more often as I continue my rapid advance toward the grave. My question to you: why the fundamental opposition to workout-related clothing carryalls?

 

Chris offers the following worst Final Four guys:

1. Tweets Way Too Much Guy: Thinks his every thought is super funny and/or interesting and therefore, postworthy. Says good morning and goodnight on Twitter.

2. Can’t Park his Big Truck Guy: Always happens in the most crowded parking lots. (Costco, Target) An absolute prick because he gets out, sees his shitty parking job, and LEAVES IT! Fuck him.

3. Super Fan at Sporting Events Guy: Uses profanity around children, thinks the players can hear him, and is always trying to get a “chant” going.

4. Drinking Game Guy: Never drinks more than you but calls you a pussy because you refuse to play.

Quick P.S. – Can you ask Ed if he enjoys Bruce Springsteen? I’ve never heard someone from the Tri-state area say ‘No’.

Ed:  These are an intriguing four, Chris.  All are awful but there is a clear-cut pecking order of these clowns.

1. Drinking Game Guy – Drinking games are always terrible.  They actually prevent you from imbibing at a reasonable pace.  Instead of taking a drink, I have to wait for a couple of dimwits to come up with a super-clever “I never” scenario?  No drinking games.  Not now.  Not ever.

2. Super Fan – The overzealous sports fan behavior is a full-on epidemic.  For some absurd reason, morons everywhere seem to think people show up at games to watch other fans.  Just look at the reigning Super Bowl champions.  Seahawk fans brag about themselves and even wear #12 jerseys to honor…themselves!

Not unlike hecklers at comedy shows, scores of mouth-breathers are under the impression they are the life of the party.  Maybe mom told them they were special one too many times as a kid but people think they are adding value wherever they go.  Here’s a quick tip – if you think you’re the life of the party, you are most definitely not.  Just cheer or applaud when the situation calls for it.  Beyond that, shut your cake hole.  The fans don’t care to hear your thoughts on the refs or coaching strategy.  The athletes don’t want or need your approval.  In the words of ex-Phillies first baseman Von Hayes, “They can do whatever they want.  I’ll still be eating steak every night.”

3.  Can’t Park His Big Truck Guy – This guy is a colossal asshole but, at the same time, can easily be discouraged.  Public shaming is a powerful tool.  A simple “I park like an asshole” written in dust on the back fender or a note on the windshield can work wonders.  If it’s an especially egregious parking job, there’s usually a stick and some dog feces nearby.  Poorly-parked vehicle handles are begging for a little shit-smearing.

4.  Guy Who Tweets Too Much – Yes, terrible but there is a very easy solution.  Unfollow him.  There’s nothing funnier than a guy wishing goodnight to zero followers.

As for your Bruce Springsteen question, the answer is yes but not an overly enthusiastic yes.  Aside from the songs from Philadelphia and The Wrestler, I can’t think of any Bruce song in the past 30 years.  I won’t turn it off if he comes up on the music shuffle but rarely seek him out.

What puts Bruce in impossible-to-dislike territory, though, is the fact that he was a King-size candy bar guy on Halloween.  Bruce lives in the town next to where I grew up.  Every year, we made the voyage to the corner of Bellvue and Ridge.  Every year, it was a King-sized candy bar.  Boss.

Brian: This is a great Final Four, but I have a bit of a disagreement on Ed’s ranking.

Sure, drinking game guy is horrid and useless but he’s also easily avoidable. Go ahead and pound six ounces of lukewarm Bud Light seasoned with microscopic bits of the fecal matter and psoriasis flakes from the fingers of some tool that’s dedicated his life to getting really good at tossing a ping pong ball into a red Solo cup, I’ll be over here sipping an nicely chilled IPA like a fucking adult blissfully unaware of you and the rest of your minor league imbibing team.

The real winner* (*loser) here is super fan. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: there’s nothing stupider than liking things. If you want to sport a cap or a t-shirt to the ball game, go ahead. But if you’re stepping it up with a jersey, replica helmet, or god forbid, some sort of homemade signage, you are an embarrassment to your family and a likely threat to society. Everyone hates you, especially your kids. You have a hole in your soul that you’re trying to fill with sporting events (and cheeseburgers usually). Stop trying to get people to do the wave. Stop making your wife pretend to like your team (and you, I’m guessing). And most importantly, stop being within a two-mile radius of me. Super fan super sucks.

As to Bruce, I’m not really a fan but I will say this: He’s a slight, 64-year-old man with a pronounced underbite who’s swollen with pride about being from New Jersey, and yet somehow any one of our wives and girlfriends would bang him in a heartbeat. He is most definitely the Boss.

 

Wayne writes:

My brother-in-law grew up singing and dancing. He’s gay and works for Disney Cruise lines.   

Ed:  The only thing less appealing than getting the inevitable dysentery on a cruise would be to get it while Goofy and Donald mascots lurk in the background.

Brian: I’m glad your brother-in-law is living his (and every other gay man’s) dream.

 

Wayne also offers this Final Four of “Bitches”:

1. Fat bitch always complaining about being hot even though it’s always freezing in the office.

2. Stupid cat/dog lady that starts a convo about her pet and continues to do so even though I’m ignoring her.

3. Bitch that smokes every 30 mins and smells like she hot boxed it in her car with the windows up and she has Graves’ disease and smoking makes it worse. I want to poke her eyes back in her face with my pen!

4. The TGIF bitch! Be happy u got job u lazy fuck!!

Ed:  Sounds like somebody need to empty out the snorkel.  It’s dangerous to go too long without a release.

Brian: Easy Wayne-O, you’re giving me a “laughs heartily while watching Entourage” vibe with this list [shivers].

 

Anonymous writes:

Thank you people who admit to attending Kanye West concerts, I was looking to trim down my list of relevant opinions.

Ed: Let he who is willing to show his entire music library cast the first stone.

Brian: I hate it when people act like they have the best taste in music, when everyone knows that I have the best taste in music.

Brian and Ed talk awkward parental interactions, drive-by toe sucking and @FanceeSauce joins the guys for FanceePop.

 

Brian and Ed talk NCAA Tournament, annoying sitcom kids and Malaysian jetliner theories. Plus, the guys are joined by FanceeSauce to discuss Lindsay Lohan’s sex list. Get some.

 

A special two-part episode featuring a Bachelor roundtable with special correspondent Cate McManus (@FanceeSauce) and sports radio icon Jason Stewart (@JasonStewart), and Ed slanders Beckner as a consumer of Star Wars fanfic.

Strap on your leather chaps and pour yourself a festive cocktail because the gay Super Bowl is Sunday night and we’re calling the winners.

 

Host

Ellen DeGeneres

This might be the toughest gig in Hollywood. Everyone’s watching, the show lasts a million years and you gotta play it safe. Let’s face it, nobody’s safer than E to the DeG, which isn’t good for fans of things that are entertaining.

Will she say anything remotely funny? No. Will she do a huge over-the-top song and dance number that lasts 14 minutes too long? Yes. Will she be incredibly pleased with herself? Undoubtedly. Is she a huge phony that smiles for the camera, but ritualistically tortures her assistants for sport once the red light goes out? Seems likely.

Winner: Not the viewers. Jon Stewart hosted this show once. So did Chris Rock. This is the route the producers should take. Jimmy Kimmel would be great. So would Stephen Colbert. But instead they’ll probably keep digging up Billy Crystal, who my grandmother is still crazy about, but in her defense, she’s been dead since 2008.

 

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)

Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave)

Jonah Hill (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Toughest category of the evening. The Captain Phillips guy’s nomination (and hopefully a sandwich and good Hollywood veneers guy) is his victory. Bradley Cooper was solid but unremarkable. Fassbender was sadistic and creepy and awful and deserves to win, but alas he’s a relative newcomer and first time nominee. Add a dose of slave rape into the mix and unfortunately the best man doesn’t win.

It comes down to Jonah Hill working for scale and owning the screen under the masterful hand of one of the great auteurs of American cinema and Leto who may have out-AIDSed Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club. Leto probably deserves to win and may edge out Hill in the voting, but it’s tough to see the Academy awarding both AIDS performances.

Winner: Too close to call, but it’s Hill in a coin flip.

 

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)

Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave)

Julia Roberts (August: Osage County)

June Squibb (Nebraska)

Another nearly impossible category to predict. Everybody Loves J-Law, and really what’s not to love? If American Hustle deserves an Academy Award, it should be for it’s only memorable performance. That said, she’s already got one and surely she’ll have opportunities for Oscars in future projects that aren’t utterly disposable.

No one saw August: Osage County, and the people that did didn’t say good things. Julia Roberts got her career service award more than a decade ago, and no one’s ever going to confuse her with Meryl Streep. No chance.

Sally Hawkins, Lupita Nyong’o and June Squibb are all equally deserving. Any of them could win and there’d be no quarrel, but Nyong’o’s riding a tremendous wave right now and her future will be even brighter once she’s decorated with Oscar for this brilliant performance.

Winner: Nyong’o.

 

Best Animated Feature

The Croods (Chris Sanders, Kirk DeMicco, Kristine Belson)

Despicable Me 2 (Chris Renaud, Pierre Coffin, Chris Meledandri)

Ernest & Celestine (Benjamin Renner, Didier Brunner)

Frozen (Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee, Peter Del Vecho)

The Wind Rises (Hayao Miyazaki, Toshio Suzuki)

Like all good parents we stare at our phones as a coping mechanism when forced to endure these tragedies.

Winner: No clue. Frozen?

 

Best Cinematography

The Grandmaster (Philippe Le Sourd)

Gravity (Emmanuel Lubezki)

Inside Llewyn Davis (Bruno Delbonnel)

Nebraska (Phedon Papamichael)

Prisoners (Roger A. Deakins)

 

Inside Llewyn Davis was widely considered this year’s big Oscar snub. People seemed at a loss as to why this film didn’t receive more nominations. Maybe those people neglected to consider this fact: Justin Timberlake is in it.

Gravity should, and will win. It’s a breathtaking visual triumph.

Winner: Gravity.

 

Best Visual Effects

Gravity (Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, Dave Shirk, Neil Corbould)

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, Eric Reynolds)

Iron Man 3 (Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Erik Nash, Dan Sudick)

The Lone Ranger (Tim Alexander, Gary Brozenich, Edson Williams, John Frazier)

Star Trek Into Darkness (Roger Guyett, Patrick Tubach, Ben Grossmann, Burt Dalton)

See above.

Winner: Gravity.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay

Before Midnight (Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke)

Captain Phillips (Billy Ray)

Philomena (Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope)

12 Years a Slave (John Ridley)

The Wolf of Wall Street (Terence Winter)

We’d like to see Captain Phillips win just because the real-life crew says the real-life captain is a real-life liar. We definitely don’t want to see Ethan Hawke win because we still have douche chills from the time he sang that Violent Femmes Song in Reality Bites.

Winner (and soon-to-be juggernaut): 12 Years a Slave.

 

Best Original Screenplay

American Hustle (Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell)

Blue Jasmine (Woody Allen)

Dallas Buyers Club (Craig Borten, Melisa Wallack)

Her (Spike Jonze)

Nebraska (Bob Nelson)

Her should win. It probably won’t, but it should.

Winner: Her.

 

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Christian Bale (American Hustle)

Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave)

Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Christian Bale is an Oscar winning actor and truly one of the best around. His reputation garnered this nom, but the material doesn’t deserve this or any other reward.

Leo was great, but the only way he wins is if Hollywood decides it’s time to say “thanks for making us rich” like they did for Julia Roberts and Sandy Bullock and he needs to turn 40 before that happens.

Chiwetel Ejiofor deserves to win but won’t. The Academy is still hungover from Jean Dujardin’s acceptance speech and isn’t looking to send another best actor trophy across the pond.

It’s criminal that Bruce Dern hasn’t won an Oscar. He was nominated for Coming Home, but lost to Christopher Walken playing Russian roulette in Michael Cimino’s chef-d’oeuvre, The Deer Hunter. It would be a bigger crime to award him for Nebraska. It just wasn’t that good a movie.

This period in Hollywood history will be remembered as the period that silenced the McConaugheyters (credit us for coining this term). We should all be thankful that he got off the beach, and out of the shitty Kate Hudson vehicle rut, and finally realized some of the potential we saw early on. Beginning with the surprisingly good Magic Mike, followed by the criminally underseen Mud, a riveting cameo in The Wolf of Wall Street and freaking everyone the fuck out Sunday nights in True Detective, we’re all existing in Matthew McConaughey’s time. Dallas Buyers Club isn’t great, but McConaughey’s performance is. The Academy loves performers that become emaciated and Hollywood really loves AIDS. There’s a chance he doesn’t win this award, but we can’t have that AIDS blood on our hands.

Winner: McConaughey.

 

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Judi Dench (Philomena)

Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

Cate Blanchett and it’s not even close. This was a complex and conflicted character that simply could not have been trusted in the hands of a lesser talent. Blanchett is a generational talent and this may be her best work. Much has been made about whether or not she’ll thank Woody Allen in her acceptance speech. Look, Woody Allen is a creep and probably worse, but he directed Blanchett to an Oscar winning performance. There’s exactly zero chance she doesn’t acknowledge him from the stage. We just hope she also acknowledges her co-star, the Dice Man.

Winner (and lock of the evening): Special Cate.

 

Best Directing

American Hustle (David O. Russell)

Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón)

Nebraska (Alexander Payne)

12 Years a Slave (Steve McQueen)

The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese)

Every nominee, with the exception of McQueen has directed better movies. But no one flexed his nuts as a director this year quite like Cuarón. McQueen gets his taste when they announce Best Picture. Cuarón gets a deserved nod as director.

Winner: Gravity.

 

Best Picture

American Hustle

Captain Phillips

Dallas Buyers Club

Gravity

Her

Nebraska

Philomena

12 Years a Slave

The Wolf of Wall Street

If this award were based solely on amazing wigs, American Hustle would win in a route. But let’s be honest, American Hustle is a popcorn movie that wasn’t near as good as the other popcorn movie in the category, The Wolf of Wall Street, which also won’t win.

The only thing more disturbing than Barkhad Abdi’s teeth is Tom Hanks’ accent in Captain Phillips.

Nebraska was duller than its namesake state.

Gravity looked really cool and will certainly win plenty of awards that aren’t this one.

Best picture is a race between the only two important films that were nominated, Her and 12 Years a Slave. While neither is a masterpiece, this should be a much closer race than it will turn out. The codgers that vote on these things didn’t see or understand Her and 12 Years a Slave has everything that Academy voters love: historical significance, terrific performances by talented performers (sit down, Brad Pitt) and a heaping helping of good old white guilt. Bet the plantation.

Winner: 12 Years a Slave.

RIP Harold Ramis, new Robocop, bovine sex and the Bachelor Report. Get some.

Ed breaks down his encounter with a Miami hooker, and @FanceeSauce joins the guys to talk about the Bachelor.

Brian and Ed sing the praises of Marcus Smart, talk about McGruff’s munchies and catch up on the Bachelor with special correspondent FanceeSauce.