The date was Janury 27, 1991. The site was Tampa Stadium. Scott Norwood was the goat. The game was between the Bills and Giants, but for some reason Warren Moon was hanging around in full uniform. Follow along as we revisit the greatest Super Bowl halftime of all time.
00:00 Serial killer glasses were a hot trend in the 80s. Brent Musburger was clearly not immune.
00:20 Small World sucks. It’s the most annoying ride at Disneyland. The only reason people go on it, and endure that horrible song, is for ten minutes of air conditioning. So clearly we need to put it on television in front of history’s biggest viewing audience.
00:36 Toddler cheerleaders jacked to the gills on Jolt Cola. Which one’s JonBenet?
1:16 Warren Moon is here in full pads. Does he think he’s playing? Never mind, he just wanted to awkwardly hold hands with Minnie Mouse. Are they dating? Is Warren Moon a furry? Why is he the only active player involved in this halftime show? Do you think super submissive Minnie caused Moon to reassess his relationship with his own wife thus leading the domestic violence incident a couple years later? Was Minnie a homewrecker? Unfortunately, the pressing questions are the ones that will never be answered.
1:30 Undertones of bestiality.
2:01 Goofy and Warren Moon with history’s most awkward high five that didn’t include Tiger Woods.
2:41 Considering that this is occurring in Florida, it’s pretty shocking that this is the first rattail we’ve seen.
2:50 Goofy and Roger Rabbit appear to be on ecstasy.
3:06 Roger Rabbit: “I feel calisthenics coming on!” Calisthenics is slang for MDMA.
4:48 Mickey Mouse, Pinocchio and a rat dressed like Friar Tuck? Ok.
5:30 A bunch of brats singing We are the World, somewhere Mike Jackson is salivating and prepping a batch of Jesus juice.
6:28 The PA announcer proudly says “And now, to honor our armed forces’ children, Coca Cola proudly presents New Kids on the Block!” Nice honor. What’s next, forcing the kids watch their conception video?
7:43 Hopefully Sha Na Na collected royalties for the New Kids gratuitous use of gold lamé.
8:02 All of the New Kids have a young boy on their lap. MJ fires his agent in a rage.
8:21 That runt didn’t earn those medals in combat.
9:02 Good luck getting this song out of your head. Speaking of that, wasn’t Walt Disney a nazi?
9:22 Everybody’s on mushrooms.
10:50 WIDE RIGHT. Scott Norwood’s miss took way too much blame that night. It was hard for the Bills to escape the stink that halftime show left behind. The K-Gun offense was never in sync that night.
11:12 Pretty shocking to see Bill Parcells suspended aloft without the assistance of an industrial crane.
