Shakedown in Paradise.

This week opens with Jared and Ashley I. starting their “alone time date” with talk of “popping” champagne and Ashley asking if she should put a cherry in the glass. So many cool innuendos. 

Jared has put a lot of effort into his look tonight, wearing his uniform of khaki cargo shorts and a bad white T-shirt. He’s just so basic.

Ashley I. talks a lot about the possibility losing her virginity tonight and that, “hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot.” She’s 26.

Mikey T. lets us know that he needs to talk to Juelia and let her know that he’s not feeling a romantic vibe with her. As much of a meathead as Mikey is, he says all the right things in the right way. Juelia of course breaks down in tears because she’s so desperate for a relationship, any relationship.

Carly says that, “it just sucks because she came here to find what me and Jade have found.” There will be A LOT of Carly foreshadowing during the next three hours.

Juelia packs her bags and leaves paradise, six weeks overdue.

Jaclyn, with her vintage stripper vibe, asks Justin on her date and he accepts.

Cassandra, from Juan Pablo’s season, is the next arrival. Dan Cox describes her as “unbelievably gorgeous.” Justin also thinks she’s “gorgeous.” She has pretty long hair, too. Apparently all these guys have eyes, which is cool. Not a whole lot of talk about womens’ personalities on this show, unless it’s negative.

Of course Cassandra is interested in Justin and picks him for her date. Justin tells Cassandra that he’s been asked on a date by Jaclyn but if he had a choice between going on a date with her or Jaclyn, he would rather go with her. 

Justin tells Jaclyn that he doesn’t want to go with her because he wants to go with Cassandra. Obviously this is pretty lame but in this contrived situation you just have to roll with the punches and keep your pride. Justin and Cassandra seem about equally matched IQ-wise anyway.

Jaclyn then has to go back to the girls and tell them she got passed over. She rips into Justin a bit in her interview about how he’s shorter than Cassandra and wearing flats for life is not not her thing. 

Justin goes back to Cassandra to tell her that Jaclyn is “totally cool” about it. 

Dan Cox and Mikey T. sit around debating about whether Ashley I.’s virginity has been “taken,” with Mikey saying that “the person who does that is going to get murdered in their sleep.” 

Ashley I. and Jared return from their overnight date and are being pretty coy, not wanting to give anything away just yet. Everyone is staring at them trying to figure it out. It seems like a no to me.

Cassandra and Justin leave for their date and Jaclyn is still annoyed. She says that someone like Justin rejecting her in the “real world” would never happen and that she just wishes he’d been “a bit more honest.” How much more honest could he have been? Should he have said that Cassandra has pretty hair and is way hotter than you? Girls are always talking about how they want guys to be “honest” but in reality that’s the opposite of what they want. 

Jaclyn is also feeling bad because no one has come to talk to her, knowing that she has a date card to use still. 

Up walks Nick, who had previously eliminated Jaclyn from the finals of Bachelor Pad series 3 and walked away with $250,000. There’s a grudge.

Jaclyn decides she wants Nick to beg for the date card and has him roll around in the sand, pretending he’s doing a sexy photo shoot. I would have thought of something WAY more humiliating than that, just saying.

Justin and Cassandra, two really boring people, go on a horseback riding date together. Justin is already referring to Cassandra as “sweet, funny, and really considerate” after knowing her for half an hour.

Cassandra takes her top off while riding the horse and we go into a objectification mini-montage. Girls are just pretty things to look at, after all.

Justin and Cassandra really bond over being parents and romanticizing how great it is having a kid. This would be a lot more real if they were talking about how hard being a parent is and what assholes kids can be 95 percent of the time.

Cassandra says she’s been looking for a guy like Justin forever, and that she feels very lucky after only being in paradise for a day and possibly finding love. Being simple must be so great. The word “refreshing” is used multiple times on this date. 

Back at the Villa, Nick asks Samantha to go with him. No idea what’s happened to Sam and Dan Cox since last week since she gave him her rose, it’s not even discussed.

Carly still dislikes Sam and talks a lot of shit about her to Jade, or anyone who’ll listen.

That night, Jared confirms that nothing happened in the “fantasy suite” with Ashley I. and that it just confirmed to him that his feelings are not as strong as hers and feels like their relationship is not going anywhere. Meanwhile, she has announced that she is in love with him.

Jared breaks up with Ashley I. for at least the third time, telling her that he thinks he’s going to leave paradise tonight. I mean, she had to have seen this coming but either way she’s learned a hard lesson that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try.

Ashley I. is wearing a tank top that says “I’m a Kim,” (as in Kim Kardashian, her hero) on it, which could have something to do with why she’s being dumped right now. 

One day she’s going to be so embarrassed about thinking Jared was The One.

Carly, empathizing with Ashley I., says that “coming on here and liking a guy who doesn’t like you back freaking sucks.” This is more of the foreshadowing I was talking about.

On their boring dinner date, Nick and Sam are treated to a special multi-course dinner, made by a chef who claims she has flown in especially to make them this meal from Mexico City. Nick pronounces ecstatic as ‘estatic.’

Nick is such a creeper. He’s constantly winking at Sam while she giggles fakely back at him. I just feel like this is all so awkward and there’s no way she’s really feeling him but Nick continues to sell Sam how pretty she is while she alludes to the fact that she has no idea what is going to happen, then she leans in and kisses Nick who is looking very confused. So bizarre.

Sam is not into the kissing, almost almost cringing during it.

Lots of Carly talking about how she pictures her future with Kirk their children running around etc. 

Everyone shows up for the rose ceremony, and this week the guys are handing out the roses. Chris Harrison drops a bomb and lets everyone know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, so no last minute wheeling and dealing.

Smug Tanner announces that about half of the people should just go home tonight. 

Ashley I. tells everyone that she’ll be leaving tonight, announcing that she “grew up” in paradise. She cries hysterically in the car over Jared as she leaves.

Nick gives his rose to Sam. Justin gives his rose to Cassandra. Dan Cox gives a speech when it’s his turn to hand out the rose, saying he hadn’t found love and was going home. Thank God.

Mikey T. gives his rose randomly to McKenzie but she says she thinks it’s time for her to go home and won’t be accepting the rose. Mikey decides he’ll also be going home and not giving out his rose either.  

Chelsie, Jaclyn, Ashley S. and Amber make an exit. Five couples remain.

Chris Harrison shows up the next morning and announces there will be no more new arrivals and that each couple gets a romantic fantasy suite date today. 

All these boring bros – Justin, Kirk, Tanner, Nick and Joshua, sit around discussing the fantasy suite dates. Kirk announces that he’s very “in his head” right now with annoying Carly. After that cruise ship song number following the rose ceremony though, who could blame him?

Kirk,wearing an orange tank top to complement his ginger complexion, tells the bros that he’s been having some doubts over the past week and that he can’t do it to her anymore and needs to have a talk with Carly. The dudes all look pretty shocked.

Kirk takes Carly away from the other girls for a chat on the beach and she asks jokingly if he’s breaking up with her. Eek.

Carly, sadly, has not realized that she and Kirk are not quite on the same page, maybe not even the same book, she really believes that Kirk is her “person” and that she is the luckiest girl in the world. 

Kirk is just another emotionally immature idiot who is not in touch with his feelings but tried to pretend he was. As annoying as Carly is, I feel bad for her in this moment. People who pretend to be something they’re not are not cool.

Carly starts freaking out and saying she wants to go home and that she can’t talk to him, she’s going to throw up, it’s very dramatic.

Kirk goes back to the group of bros and says, “I don’t know what even happened I feel like I just got punched and walked away from,” as if he’s the victim here.

Smug Tanner does not agree with what Kirk’s done.

Carly’s girls, Jade and Tenley, rally around her as she packs her bag while crying hysterically and saying she hates Kirk. Fair enough. 

Kirk comes up to the room to try and talk to Carly but she takes the only power she has now, which is to deny Kirk the conversation he wants to have. Bye, Felicia.

Kirk also pack his things to leave and cries in the car as he drives away. 

We see a montage of the guys getting ready for their dates and each one talking about how they feel about their respective girl.

Tenley, an earlyy adopter of Vision Boards, is pensively jotting down things in her notebook to try and help herself figure out how she feels about Joshua like, “living inspired” and “whimsical attachment.” Is she #blessed or #notblessed? Only the Universe knows.

Cassandra declines the fantasy suite portion of the date with Justin. I mean they JUST met.

Tenley talks to Joshua, who has all the gel in his hair tonight, and decides that she wants to give their relationship a real chance after paradise. I feel like this is a bait and switch. 

They retire to the fantasy suite for some “alone time.”

Tanner tells basic dag, Jade, he loves her and she tells him she loves him too. These two are perfect together. They spend the night together and presumably consummate their nauseating relationship. 

The next morning, Jade and Tanner snuggle in bed in their robes – the universal sign that they boned.

Back at the Villa, Chris Harrison gathers the couples around and tells them again to have a good hard think about the relationships because, “there’s nothing worse than an empty promise.”

I really don’t understand what all the freaking out on the last day is about. Like I know Chris Harrison’s telling you you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with these people now, but you actually don’t. 

First up on the Rose Platform are Justin and Cassandra. She accepts his rose.

Next up are Nick and Sam. Nick is dressed like an IT consultant but wearing flip-flops. I’m shocked that Sam continues the ruse and accepts Nick’s rose.

Sam says that Nick was the one the whole time and just took a little bit to see that. Suuuuuuuuuure.

Tenley ends up telling Joshua she doesn’t think that they should try to make the relationship work after they leave. Poor Joshua, he cries some big dopey tears on the way out. 

Tanner gets down on one knee and gives Jade some bootleg ring, not even Neil Lane! The two most boring people on the show decide to become one boring person.

#Janner is born and the world is now a worse place.

It’s Raining Drama

It’s raining in paradise, a bad omen indeed.

Joe is very upset that Sam has been asked out by Justin and has said yes, calling it, “the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life,” “I think it’s stupid, I think it’s dumb, I think it’s immature and it’s not fair, it’s not fair to Joe.” Yes, he talks about himself in the third person which is insane.

We are now witnessing the Joe sob story, he can’t seem to understand that Samantha may have played him just like he played that other annoying girl, pretending to be more into Joe than she actually was. She’s fickle but that doesn’t make her evil.

The vilification of Sam is a slow burn this week which reaches boiling point by the end. And what’s the big deal anyway? She hung out with Joe for a couple of days and now she might go on a date with another guy. Sam has options so why shouldn’t she? 

Tanner proclaims, “Samantha’s like a juggler but instead of juggling balls she’s juggles men.” Guys cannot deal with women who behave like men in the dating arena, it’s just not allowed.

Ashley I. wants to be like Sam so bad. 

Sam tells Joe she doesn’t actually want to go on the date with Justin, which makes it hard to understand her agenda here, and Joe wets himself with excitement. That was a close call and now he needs to find a way to lock Sam in a dungeon and keep her safe.

Everyone keeps referring to Sam as a “master manipulator.” I mean, she has a really pretty hair but I don’t think she’s a “master” at anything. Also, my theory about girls with really pretty hair is that it makes them seem more like a 10 when they’re really a 7. 

After Sam tells Justin that she doesn’t want to go on a date with him because it wouldn’t be fair to him if she’s thinking about Joe, he makes a beeline over to Amber and hits her up. Amber wants to be a girl with a lot of options, and she should be, but she’s just not.

Justin needs a tan bad.

Five-time Bachelor franchise alum, Chris Bukowski, arrives and he’s still “28.” Did they really need to bring this idiot back? Don’t we have enough already?

Justin and Amber are on their low-budget date in downtown Sayulita when they stumble upon a flash-mob salsa-dancing-scenario in a bar and Amber announces that she “loves dancing!” I would be so bummed if I got this date and not the boat date.

Amber removes Justin’s shirt revealing a very tragic sunburn he must’ve got that morning. Later, Amber and Justin make out in the ocean but afterwards Amber says she’s confused because she’s very attracted to Dan as well and starts crying, thinking she’s made a mistake by making out with Justin. These are the options she wanted but she’s not a Sam, she has real emotions.

Meanwhile back at Paradise HQ, new arrival Chris, who has been drinking since 9:30 am and still hasn’t asked anyone on his date yet proclaims that, “when the sun goes down that’s when Bukowski comes out.” Can’t wait.

When Amber comes back from her date with Justin, she takes Dan Cox down to the beach to tell him that she thinks she has feelings for him. He responds by telling her that he doesn’t think the connection is there for him, Amber looks crushed.

Amber thinks she blew it and shouldn’t have gone on the date with Justin. Girls always do this, blame themselves. Dan Cox admits has eyes for Sam, Amber was just a distraction.

Around the bonfire later, Chris asks Tenley out after he’s had 120 drinks and she declines the offer, saying she’d only accept if it were strictly as friends. Drunk Chris gets the message and has a big sulk. This was an unnecessary side show.

Joshua the welder asks Chris for his date card which is the only smart thing Joshua’s ever thought of and he and Tenley go to Guadalajara the next day where they purchase daggy postcards and fill them out. 

Afterwards, they eat at a nice restaurant where the food is a little too sophisticated for them. This part was so long and so boring I fell asleep.

Later that evening it’s rose ceremony time and the girls have the “power” this week. That’s all this show is really, a microcosm of power struggles between men and women, men and men, and women and women.

Chris Harrison uses the term “swing roses” to describe roses that are not going to the other half of a couple.

Ashley I., self-proclaimed “natural-born writer,” gives Jared a three page letter that she’s written him about her feelings in her teenager-handwriting which says, among other things, “I think you’re greater than Tom Brady.” Ashley I. is a real idiot but I still love watching her in action.

Amber says that her second choice after Dan was Jared and tells him she’s “intrigued by him,” which is bizarre because he’s such a zero personality but also Amber’s not really a bright spark, so makes sense.

Ashley I. is still talking about how she feels like Jared’s face was designed for her. She’s nowhere near close to letting go, she’s holding on for dear life. She will wear Jared down and force him to like her if it’s the last thing she does.

Amber takes Ashley I. aside to tell her she’s now interested in Jared and his face. Ash can’t cope with this at all, even though Jared’s not that into her, saying that this is the worst experience of her life because, “Jareds don’t come around very often.” 

Dan Cox, who is a bit of a tool, wants to make a move on Sam now. Samantha looks about 42 but he’s under her spell, her pretty, long hair has mesmerized him.

Joe is sitting on the couch saying cringey things to Samantha like how they’re a pretty good team like “Bonnie and Clyde.” Sam seems into Joe still, but that will only last about another 30 minutes.

Dan Cox says that watching Joe and Sam together is “like pouring generic ketchup on filet mignon. It doesn’t work and It’s actually offensive to everyone.” Dan has a plan though, he’s going to talk to Sam and tell her what a “piece of shit” Joe is. 

Juelia has completely turned on her “friend,” Samantha, saying she doesn’t understand what Dan sees in her that she’s totally manipulative and she doesn’t trust her. 

Dan Cox takes Sam down to the beach to “talk for a second” and asks Sam what was so great about her first date with Joe that keeps perpetuating the relationship and she says that it was almost like love at first sight. Sorry, what? Dan goes into total cock-block mode and writes Joe off to Sam, although everything he’s saying is accurate.

Joe feels extremely threatened by Dan Cox’s play and intercepts Samantha away from their conversation so he can give her a kiss and tell her she’s pretty. Basically peeing on her to establish his territory. This is both gross and desperate and illustrates Dan Cox’s point about how insecure and jealous Joe is.

At the rose ceremony Ashley S. is pretty wasted when she gives her a rose to Nick. Ashley I. gives her rose to Jared and he looks so nonplussed but Ash doesn’t seem to notice how not into it he is. Amber’s bummed.

Then Samantha gets up to give her rose and there’s only Joe and Dan Cox left. What will she do? In the biggest upset of the whole season, Samantha gives her rose to Dan Cox, leaving Joe with his dick in his hand, so to speak.

Captain Save-a-Ho, Dan Cox, cold not look more pleased with himself for turning Sam. Mission accomplished.

Some idiots, namely Tanner and Joshua, are trying to vilify Sam because she dumped Joe at the alter, even though they’ve been talking shit about Joe up to this point. It’s so hard to remember who’s done what to whom.

Carly, with her big mouth, says that Sam needs to buck up and accept the blame, instead of heaping it all on Joe. I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. Blame for what? For texting him before the show, pretending to like him more than she maybe did then dumping him? 

Joe wants his pound of flesh from Sam and threatens to show “everyone” their text messages from before she arrived on the show. Like, what’s the big deal? So Sam played some strategy before she got there, so what? Also dipshits, there is no prize here so who cares?!!!! 

Joe thinks that he’s been victimized when in reality all that happened was that Sam decided that maybe he wasn’t a good guy after all and dumped him. She got some late intel and went with that. What was she supposed to do here? I’m Team Sam.

On the limo ride out of paradise, Joe says that if he sees Dan Cox in public there will be an altercation. I mean, he could have done something just now. Joe is a huge pussy, all talk, ending his rant with, “dammit I should’ve fucked her brains out.” Who even says that in 2015?  

Ashley S. comes at Sam in front of the group and wants to know if Dan was one of the guys Sam was texting with before the show started. I think it’s pretty apparent now that Ashley S. has alcohol-related issues and the producers show yet another one of her alcohol-fueled rants during her interview where she talks about how beautiful Sam is, making very little sense. I’m not into this exploitative angle, they should stop.

Tanner tries to say that now Sam is stringing Dan along. Tanner is so annoying. Dan went to Sam, not the other way around, you simpleton.

Sam, at this point, should just come clean about the text messages because they’re inconsequential but she keeps lying but not very well. She ends up running off from the group in tears. She doesn’t understand why everyone hates her. She was a bitch to Juelia over Joe but that’s between her and Juelia. 

Dan Cox says that even if he’s Sam’s “default” he thinks they could still find something pretty special. Everyone wants to be a default, right?

Chelsie, from Juan Pablo’s season, arrives the next morning, wearing all the eye shadow, and is immediately dragged aside by Carly to give her the lowdown Carly-style and let her know who the couples are, including Jared and Ashley I. – who are not actually a couple at all. Carly tries to tell Chelsie she should ask Dan Cox out, scheming to get rid of Sam.

   

Chelsie asks Nick on her date. He is psyched and says he’s glad to get away from Ashley S. Poor Ashley S. 

Nick goes to tell Ashley S. the news about his date with Chelsie and she says something weird about how they went to bed at 6 AM and now it’s the afternoon. Nick tells her she drank a lot last night and that she kind of smells like a brewery which is probably true but pretty mean. 

Mackenzie, from Chris’s season, arrives next and Ashley I. reminds us about her love of aliens. Tanner says he’s not sure if she’s the “sharpest crayon.” This is an understatement.

Chelsie and Nick are on their date, cruising around on some drug dealer’s yacht. Nick always looks like he’s been hitting the booze really hard, is about 46 and bartends in the Keys or the Bahamas and is waiting to hear about a job at Club Med.

After their date, Nick says he didn’t feel a romantic spark with Chelsie and is still holding out hope for Sam which is probably wishful thinking.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, people are doing shots of warm tequila in the middle of the day.

The show frames Mackenzie as being not too bright, playing some ding-dong music while she’s talking about aliens and saying the “down-low” repeatedly when she means the “low-down.” She asks Justin on her date, which bums out Amber, who had just been doing those warm tequila shots with him.

Amber now feels like there’s no one there for her, which is crazy because she’s cute and seems fairly normal so far.

Jaclyn, from Ben’s season, who is “30,” arrives next. Everyone thinks she seems like trouble. She’s “ready to rumble, steal people’s boyfriends and disrupt the peace.” Jaclyn’s not friends with anyone there so doesn’t care about burning any bridges. She seems like a perfect match for my Mikey T., looks-wise.

Mackenzie and Justin head off on their date and her voice is already so annoying. They arrive at a scene that looks like the preparations for an Ayahuasca trip, complete with a priest to perform the ceremony, which turns out to be a “marriage” ceremony.

When they get back to the Villa, Mackenzie tells everyone that they got married and Justin’s worried that she really thinks they’re actually married. She does, but she’s not sure if it’s only in Mexico.

Ashley I. thinks she’s wearing Jared down slowly but surely until she sees Jaclyn talking to him and gets worried that she’s going to steal him away from her. She runs off to find Chris Harrison, who just happens to be lurking about, and asks him for a date card that leads to a fantasy night suite. Apparently there’s different rules for different people on this show.

Jared, who is a wet rag, starts to tell Jaclyn about the letter Ashley I. wrote him and she could obviously not give less fucks, making the observation that you can never trust someone with a belly button ring past the age of 25. Good point. Just when she’s about to ask him on her date, Ashley I. interrupts with her date card.

Jared, almost reluctantly, accepts Ashley I.’s invitation for the overnight date, probably relieved Jaclyn didn’t get a chance to ask him on her date. Jaclyn can’t believe that any guy would want to take somebody’s virginity at this age. I kind of agree.
There’s lots of talk about wether Ashley I. will give her up V. card to Jared with Tanner asking,”what if she just offered it up on a platter?” What does that even mean? Is there another way to offer it? I mean obviously if she’s not offering it it’s not being taken. The show’s obsession with the fact that Ashley I. is a virgin is the creepiest thing.

The show ends with Jared and Ashley I. leaving for their date, even though it already seems like it’s 9 PM. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!

Trouble in Dramadise

We pick up right where we left off last week, with JJ taunting Joe. I think JJ wants Joe to punch him so he’ll get kicked off the show but Jared, in typical Jared fashion, tells JJ to back off. 

Joe then throws Samantha under the bus in an interview, saying that she was complicit in the whole plan as well and knew what Joe was going to do to get a rose. Let those true colors fly, bro.

JJ tells Juelia he’s considering giving her his rose so she can stick around but she says no, that she would rather he took a chance on love even though she really, really appreciates it. She really does want that rose though, I bet.

Juelia is hysterically crying some more because it’s her last night, telling the audience how she knows what a great wife she’ll make and what a great catch she is. Anyone who says this out loud during a breakdown is not okay. Where is the on-set therapist??

Samantha tells Joe she’s done hearing about the drama between him and Juelia and that she doesn’t think the “connection” Juelia and Joe supposedly had was much of a connection anyway, she wants to squash it because she’s not about drama and she just wants to enjoy herself. Sam is all about Sam and she loooooooves the word “drama.”

It’s rose ceremony time with ten girls and seven guys. Let’s see who’s bouncing.

Juelia continues to be a victim, saying that she gave her rose to the wrong guy last time so now she’ll be going home. Yeah, that’s how this game show works! I mean I feel bad that she wasted her time with a loser but that happens in real life as well. Learn from your mistakes, girl. Maybe figure out how you were so easily fooled and work on that instead?

Joe confesses to the group that he had reached out to Samantha on Instagram and they had had some small talk, but that’s it. Tanner reacts to this, saying that he’s not telling the whole truth about the extent of the contact, confronting Sam and basically calling her out without saying he seen the text message she sent to Joe, telling her that he thinks she’s lying. Sam has a great poker face and maintains her side of the story. But also like, so what?

Ashley I. continues to be obsessed with Jared’s bone structure that she thinks for some reason is amazing? She and Jared have another awkward interaction where they say nothing then Jared kisses her. This isn’t going to end well.

JJ feels like he has to pick between Megan and Juelia for the rose. 

In a very produced moment, Juelia goes and finds Chris Harrison to talk to him about finding a way for herself to stay that doesn’t include someone giving her a sympathy rose. She asks him if there’s any way they can bring back Mikey T., desperate move. This is really grasping at straws, and does Mikey T. really want to be sloppy seconds? You bet he does!
Juelia is such a sad sack, wet rag she cannot stop talking about what has happened to her. She gave her a rose to the wrong guy she just needs to deal with it. Like let’s be real, more of have given more than just a rose to the wrong guy before. 

In the big upset of the night, JJ gives his rose not to Megan, not to Juelia but to Ashley S., who we have never even seen him have a conversation with. JJ justifies his decision by saying that Juelia told him not to give her his rose and he obviously wasn’t feeling it enough with Megan so he decided to save Ashley S. 

Then JJ gives everyone a speech about how he broke up with someone to come here and every day is reminded of how what he left behind is what he’s looking for and that he’s leaving paradise. I’m so bummed because he’s by far the most entertaining person on the show.

In an emotional interview, JJ says he hopes people learned that he’s multidimensional and basically that he’s just an awesome guy. Also, that he did the right thing by everyone and stayed true to himself and that he found himself on the show.

Captain Save-a-Hoe, Dan, asks Chris Harrison if he can talk to Carly before handing out his rose. For some reason everyone, including Dan, thinks Dan should give his rose to Juelia instead of a girl he might actually be into – Amber, who is hot and maybe a match for him personality-wise. 

Dan gives his rose to sexy Amber, and I’m temporarily relieved we no longer have to see Juelia’s sad face anymore.

On her way out, Clare says if they had just chosen her for The Bachelorette, she would’ve found husband by now. Clare claims that this is her retirement from Bachelor in Paradise. Do we believe her? Sad to see Clare go, to be honest.

Joe couldn’t be happier that Juelia is leaving but because people want a happy ending, as Juelia is leaving a car pulls up with Mikey T. in it and they are reunited. These two could actually be perfect for each other.

Joe is super annoyed that Juelia gets to stay, which is great. Joe says that he’s very happy that Juelia is back and then, when asked why he doesn’t look happy says, “my face never looks happy.” He’s having to really try to control his anger reflex right now.

After the rose ceremony, Tanner gets a date card and asks his TV girlfriend, Jade to go with him. These two are the Marcus and Lacey of this season, so boring. 

They take off in a private plane, where for some reason Jade is popping the champagne for Tanner instead of the other was around.

After a flight and a car ride they end up in the town of Tequila where they do some boring tequila-related stuff. So not worth all the travel.

Meanwhile back at the villa, Joe is totally smitten with Sam, who is clearly way out of his league.

Nick from Ashley’s season and Bachelor Pad season 3 arrives and announces to Chris Harrison that he’s interested in meeting Samantha. Of course he is. I think we’re all starting to see how this show works. Nick looks like a cast member from Survivor.

Nick announces that he doesn’t have a problem stealing someone’s woman, saying that he and Samantha, who he describes as a “smoke show,”  had spoken about paradise and that they were both looking forward to spending time with each other. The plot thickens.

Nick asks Sam on his date and they go to have a chat away from the group about it. Joe tries to play it cool but you can tell that he wants to smash something so badly.

Nick and Sam rejoin the group where she gives him her answer that, no she won’t go on the date with him. Nick is shocked. 

Mikey T. and his hypotheses are back and he says that he thinks Sam wants to go out with Nick but is staying with Joe out of guilt because she’s backed herself into a corner at this point. I might agree with him. 

After being filled in on the Joe-Sam-Juelia situation, Nick asks Ashley S. on his date. This should be interesting. 

When their boat ride to a nearby island is canceled due to a hurricane off the coast, Nick and Ashley S. decide to settle in and start drinking. Sounds like a plan. A very bad plan, considering Ashley S. is much more unstable-seeming on alcohol. 

Back to the show’s most boring couple, Tanner and Jade. Tanner says he’s falling for Jade and can’t imagine spending a day without her. They have a key for a room to spend some extra “alone time” together. Tanner is excited to take their relationship to the next level, get closer and just have a nice romantic night. Snore.

For some reason Nick and Ashley S. decide to do multiple, back-to-back shots of tequila. I’m so worried about the way Ashley S. is when she’s drunk that I can almost can’t watch this. I also feel like the producers are really mean and irresponsible for this segment, knowing what would transpire.

After a couples tequila massage, Ashley S. has that dead look in her eyes she gets when she’s had a few drinks. 

Then in the worst bit to top all worst bits, Ashley S. is massaging Nick and laughing to herself, intercut with a crow in a tree squawking and some text on the screen as if the bird is telling her to, “oil up the fruits,”  “touch the fruits,”  “grab a handful,” “look he’s right for the picking,” and “eat the fruit,” intercut with shots of Nick’s crotch.

 

Nick says that he likes Ashley S. and thinks she’s hot but she’s also a little “out there,” and he’s not quite sure what to make of her yet. I’m cringing.

The massage turns into standing up and making out. Then they get in a hot tub and pop some more champagne. By this point Ashley is hammered so they interview her and she of course makes no sense and looks crazy, when really she’s just had too much to drink. This is awful.

I find this whole scene so uncomfortable to watch, and really exploitative, with Ashley so drunk in the hot tub she can barely keep herself upright and trying to make another toast before yet another tequila shot which doesn’t make sense.

Sitting on the edge of their bed in their “alone time” suite, Tanner tells Jade he’s ready to be Facebook official, saying, “I’m falling for you, Jade, and I want to call you my girlfriend.” So high school. 

It’s the next morning and Joe and Sam are talking on a daybed, Joe’s saying he knows Sam is out of his league and that a girl like that doesn’t end up with a guy like him, his insecurity is really attractive.

He asks her if there’s anyone else there that she wants to go on a date with and she says no when she’s secretly kicking herself for turning Nick down.

Joe keeps badgering Sam, asking her if there’s anything she wants to tell him and saying that he feels like she’s a little bit different today. This is the actual worst thing you can do when you feel someone’s a bit distant you’ve just started hanging out with. Joe is needy though and can’t help himself.

And then Samantha, feeling a bit suffocated by Joe, starts to backtrack away from him. He follows her to her room and asks her again what’s wrong and she says that she’s finding it hard that everyone’s making him out to be not a good guy and she’s confused.

This is the part where Joe gets a taste of his own medicine and it’s so great.

Cut to the next day and Jared is in the pool talking to Joshua and Mikey about his feelings for Ashley I., which he admits are not really there. He knows it’s time to break things off with her.

Ashley I. is getting ready over her SUITCASE of makeup, talking about how she thinks she and Jared are going to be having a little “at home date tonight.” Little does she know.

Jared tells Ashely I. that he wants her to “explore paradise” including exploring things with other guys, to which she tells him, “that’s not going to happen.” You can’t get rid of a girl like Ashley I. that easily.

At least Jared is doing the decent thing by not leading her on just to get a rose I guess.

Ashley I., by this point, is crying and Jared says that he thinks part of the reason he can’t get into it with her is because he still has feelings for Kaitlyn. Ugh, get over it already, dude.

Jared walks away leaving Ashley I. bawling on a daybed. Then she’s in an interview, where the crying is more intense and her words are incomprehensible, mascara is everywhere. I listened to one part about 18 times and deciphered that she’s saying, “I’m going to be alone forever because every guy I like doesn’t like me back.” I mean, yeah.

Ashley I. then calls Kaitlyn and says, “what the fuck did you do to Jared!? He’s OBSESSED with you.” Girl, he’s just trying to let you down easy.

It’s a new day in paradise and looks like we’ve missed some action which is recapped for us. I’ll recap the recap: Joe had planned a birthday celebration for himself and Samantha but Samantha had broken up with him before he’d even cut the cake. 

Joe is now reeling from what has just happened considering she was the one that told him to do whatever it took to get a rose and stick around until she arrived. Samantha is now being villainized for dating someone and then deciding she wasn’t that into it and wanted to date other guys, which is totally normal. Is she a nice person, debatable. Does playing the game make you a bad person, not in my book. 

Ashley I. sits down with Joe to commiserate about their sad situations. Joe seems pretty nonplussed by Ashley’s emotions and tells her that he’s sorry he’s not a very emotional guy. Joe is a huge weirdo in general.

Somehow, in this weird other universe that is Paradise, Ashley I. has convinced herself that Jared is God’s gift to women and she’ll never get over him and will compare every other guy she ever meets to him. It’s insanity.

Mikey T. gets the date card and hits up Juelia, she’s all over it. Everyone cheers because, Juelia.

Mikey spends the rest of the morning hair spraying his hair.

In an ironically strange turn of events Joe is now being framed as the victim of Sam. He can’t take the rejection and is emotionally a child so he lashes out, threatening to show everyone the text messages she sent him before she arrived. Sam did her best to let Joe down gently but he’s so emotionally unstable things didn’t quite go as Sam wanted. 

Kirk and Carly do some sunset fishing which she seems really excited about, despite the fact she can barely cast a rod. These dorks seem compatible. I wonder if Carly’s overuse of the word “freaking” will be less endearing once they leave paradise? 

Juelia and Mikey land in Guadalajara and instead of one of many romantic clichés, they go to watch some Mexican wrestling, the opposite of sexy or romantic. This is a fun date if you’re a 10-year-old boy but Mikey announces that it was such a great date it can’t be topped. What are the odds Mikey would be a wrestling fan?

They open their fantasy suite envelope which honestly seems a little bit soon, I mean this is their first date and are we even sure Mikey’s not a virgin? I can’t imagine anyone sexing him.

Juelia asked him if he would be uncomfortable sharing a room and he replies, “no because I’m a man,” because he thinks that’s what he should say. Juelia is so desperate she’s okay with hooking up with this meathead man-child on the first date.

They choose to spend the night together in a room which Juelia announces is amazing but in reality is anything but.

The next morning Juelia does her interview with actual JBF hair. The couple say they kept it classy, though.

Back at the villa, Ashley I. still hasn’t fixed her one acrylic nail that’s been off for the last two weeks. This is clearly why Jared really broke up with her. Fix yo nail, girl!

Joe has stooped to getting dating advice from Ashley I., which is how you know things are really bad. He tries out the technique she suggested but falls flat with Sam, more humiliation sandwich for Joe. 

In walks Justin and his big lips from Kaitlyn’s season, Joe’s buddy. He predictably hits on Sam whom he describes as a “great conversator” and asks her on his date.

Joe has a tantrum over-and-over again about how he should never pick the prettiest girl to go after and is generally feeling sorry for himself, just like a big baby. I think his days are numbered, as in one.

Rose Before Bros

We pick up where we left off with Clare having a meltdown outside during the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison consoling/telling her to get her shit together. I just heard that Chris Harrsion gets paid $100,000 per episode to do this. Let that sink in. I also feel like he knows Clare is ripe for the picking, should he so desire.

Clare is a huge attention seeker. She’s crying because Jared dumped her and now she doesn’t know who to give her rose to. She should give it to herself and then make an inspirational Instagram post about how loving yourself first is so important.

Side note: Clare blocked me on Instagram a while ago.

The guys, mostly Tanner, are nervous that Clare is going to bounce before she gives out a rose, which Tanner proclaims would be a “bitch move.” Tanner is shaping up to be such a tool. 

Why isn’t somebody giving Claire a Xanax is my question? 

Chris Harrison tells Clare that she’s only been there for two weeks and she hasn’t really given it a chance yet. Good point. Clare says that she doesn’t quit things easily – third time with this franchise is a charm – and re-joins the rose ceremony.

Cutaway to Ashley I. who is of course reveling in Clare’s fake meltdown saying that, at 34-years-old, she probably feels pathetic being there. It’s hard to comprehend how this chick thinks she’s in a position to throw shade at anyone. But then again, that’s what makes her so great.

Ashley I. gives her a rose to Jared, further twisting the knife into Clare’s side. Clare chooses JJ, which is a good choice for her.

Poor Juelia gets up and gives her a rose to actual hillbilly sociopath Joe, saying that she thinks that what she and Joe have is real. Real BS. 

Mikey T., Jonathan and Michael G. all go home with Mikey, the big dumb dumb, feeling very confused about what just happened. Tenley really blew it by choosing Joshua over Michael, her picker is clearly broken.

In their respective interviews, Juelia talks some more about how she believes Joe is being totally honest and is there for her while Joe says he just need to survive tonight’s rose ceremony to see if Samantha arrives, also coining the phrase, “rose before bros,” referring to his manipulation of Jonathan and Mikey T.

Everything about Juelia is sad – her manky hair, her sad story which includes a husband who committed suicide, leaving her a single mother of a toddler, her thinking this show was a good place to find a new husband, her desperation, the way Joe is blatantly playing her and her lack of intuition.

The first new arrival the next day is of course, Samantha. She tells Chris Harrison that she thinks Joe is cute that she usually goes for bad boys so she’s staying away from that now. Not for long though!

All these chicks claim they’re “best friends” with each other and in another sad turn of events, Juelia says that Samantha and she were best friends on their season of The Bachelor. 

Sam immediately picks Joe for her date without even talking to any of the other girls, which I think should be part of the rules – you don’t get to find out who’s into who, you just pick blind.

Joe lies about having talked to Samantha before the show when Jared asks him, which will fuel the drama for the next three hours of television.

Joe and Samantha walk up to the group, including Juelia, ready for their date, holding hands which is pretty fucked up and says a lot about these gross people. Sam has been filled in by Joe that he had been hanging out with Juelia prior to her arriving so it’s not like she didn’t know, although Joe plays his part in it down like the true asshole he is.

Juelia, rightly so, feels disrespected and her feelings are hurt. The problem is she never stops talking about it and just makes things worse for herself. Here’s the part where you suck it up, realize you badly misjudged someone and they weren’t actually worth your time and hold your head high, look around, and find someone else to flirt with. Move on.

Joe and Sam’s date is a lame photo shoot with the executive editor of People magazine about hot bodies or something. So gimmicky, so lame, so photoshopped.

Joe makes some jokes about his “dad bod” and there’s lots of not sexy poses that are meant to be sexy. Note to the editors of People magazine, there’s nothing sexy about something trying to be overtly sexy.

Juelia says “awkward” the way an 8-year-old does when Joe and Samantha return from their date, Samantha holding a bouquet of roses. Juelia has been on exactly one date with Joe and is acting like he broke up with her after months for another girl. 

Jared tells Joe he needs to talk to Juelia and Joe says he doesn’t want to have to stop his post-amazing first date glow to talk to some “Debbie downer.” He’s a piece of work, telling Jared that maybe he’s trying to “vill.” Yes, you heard it right, he used the the abbreviated vill from villain as a verb as coined by Clint when he said “villains gonna vill,” on The Bachelorette.

Joe says he doesn’t get what the big deal is if he was playing Juelia or not to get a rose because, “this isn’t church camp.” He goes and talks to Juelia but is a complete dick and offers no apology because he’s completely devoid of compassion.

Yet another dumb anthropomorphism bit with Clare and that raccoon some animal wrangler’s had to bring down especially. What is funny about this? Please, someone tell me.

Cut to Jade and Carly talking about the sexual chemistry they have with their guys and Carly expressing her want to sex Kirk, telling Jade that she’s super horny for him. Gross.

Kirk says that he knows Carly wants to sleep with him but he doesn’t know if he’s ready yet, he’s just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want to move too fast. I’m okay with this. You do you, Kirk.

Ashley S. says she’s falling in love with Dan Cox, which means they’ll be breaking up soon. Ashley S. is fascinating to me, I want to know what is going on with her. She says she’s totally smitten and that marriage is on the table. Huh?

Cut to Dan Cox chatting with Jade, telling her that a couple of nights ago Ashley was emotional and acting out of character and he found it very taxing and has a low tolerance for that kind of thing. Well yeah buddy, all guys do. Girls who can’t handle their alcohol are super annoying/scary.

Dan says that he wants to keep his options open now. Everyone should be doing this! Later he talks to Ashley S. and tries to put the breaks on their relationship, which Ash doesn’t take very well. There’s never any easy way to deliver rejection to someone who’s really into you.

Carly and Kirk are on their date when she tells him that her brother got married today and that she had missed his wedding to be in paradise. Sounds normal.

Kirk decides to push away his fears and embrace his feelings for Carly as some cheap Mexican fireworks explode overhead. The cool thing about Paradise is that the budget can afford for everyone to get fireworks on their dates.

Kirk does a total 360 and suggests he and Carly get a hotel room for the night, they go to the hotel reception and Kirk asks for “one fantasy suite.” So corny.

Another new cast member, Megan from Chris’ season, arrives that evening wearing some Sombrero that she bought in town when she was “lost.” These side-plots are so stupid. No, you weren’t lost, you had a camera crew following you around.

Dan Cox is all over Megan immediately, revealing in an interview that Megan was one of the people he was interested in meeting here, and busts out and unfunny joke to impress her. Dan Cox is as dull as dishwater.

Kirk says his night with Carly was “super sexy, hot, on fire!” He then said Carly blew him away and that she’s “like a pinball machine.” What does that even mean?!? 

It’s the morning and Megan has to decide between Dan Cox and JJ for her date. She wakes up sleeping JJ to ask him and he accepts. All I can think of is JJ’s morning breath.

Megan announces that she’s a “southern belle” and will only accept exactly what she deserves. This is a huge red flag, like someone telling Facebook they’re “done with negativity.” Uh huh. She also says that every one of her boyfriends has cheated on her so she’s not looking for another douchebag. Also a red flag.

Ashley S. says some weird stuff about her chakras all being in line and that she’ll fight for Dan Cox. I don’t want to make jokes about her mental health because that’s no joke, but is she off her meds? 

The rest of the show is consumed with people starting to wonder whether Joe and Sam had something going on before Paradise. It comes to light that Joe showed Tanner a text message from Sam while he was there and it’s obvious Sam and Joe were planning their rendezvous all along.

Juelia still can’t come to grips with the fact that Joe is a liar.

Meanwhile there is a lot of gross, sexual, making out going on in the hot tub with Joe and Samantha. I’m so grossed out by these two I can barely watch. Also, I would never get in that hot tub again if I was the other cast members.

Joe thinks everybody’s being “little bitches,” worrying about what he’s up to and whether he’s played Juelia or not. Now that Mikey’s left, Dan Cox has stepped into the role of Right Reasons Police and he’s going to sort Joe out. 

Dan Cox decides to confront Joe and make him talk to Juelia. No one seems to get that Joe couldn’t give less fucks about the situation with Juelia. And to be honest, I’m kind of over it too. The girl got played. Was it nice? No. But this is a GAME SHOW and that’s what happens. Have other people given one person a rose one week then turned their attentions to someone else the next? Totally. Is Juelia a huge victim that won’t shut up? Yes.

Juelia tells Joe that she’s going to tell Samantha what went down, at which point Joe starts to squirm and tries hard to dig up an apology for her but can’t quite do it. He’s worried about the potential of losing the chance to sex the hottest girl he’ll ever get to.

Samantha, Juelia and Jade all go and sit down to talk and fill Samantha in on what happened between Juelia and Joe, Juelia pretending that she’s telling Sam what happened with Joe because she doesn’t want the same thing to happen to her, which is a bit disingenuous. She’s jealous and wants Sam to know that Joe’s a dick because she doesn’t want Joe and Sam to be together, which is fair enough. I’d want to ruin Joe’s game too. 

Samantha doesn’t want to hear it though, she’s not interested in how Juelia feels or that she feels wronged by Joe because she’s on “cloud nine.” She says that Joe should be there to defend himself. This bitch. At this point I’d get up and walk away and let them have each other. Joe and Samantha are the same person and they deserve each other.

Like Joe is about rose before bros, Sammy is about bros before hoes. 

What feels like two weeks later and we are still talking about Joe’s scheme, except now it’s Tanner and Jared deciding to take matters into their own hands and let everyone know that Samantha was in on the scheming as well. 

Joe and Samantha try to have a private conversation to get their story straight before Joe goes into his interview, somehow forgetting that they’re mic’d up. Sam coaching Joe what to say based on what she’s told the producers. Then Sam realizes that she’s left the door open and closes it on the camera, but it’s too late by this point, we’ve heard everything! 

The last arrival is Amber from Chris’s season, and ironically, Ashley S. seems particularly happy to see her. Not for long though when Amber picks Dan Cox, of course, for her date.

JJ and Megan go on their date. JJ says that he is stoked to be there with Megan even though they’re “different intellectually,” every time he looks at her he thinks she’s gorgeous and he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes as well as her “other assets.” JJ is now my favorite guy by a mile.

Amber admits that she’s had a crush on Dan Cox since she saw him on Desiree’s season. Ash is in tears as they leave on their date, feeling discarded and hurt. Some of the other cast members start alluding to Ashley S. being a bit nuts again, after thinking she seemed normal at first.

Amber is too cute and has too much personality for Dan Cox but they have a make out session after dinner anyway. 

That night, Tanner, JJ and Jared try to gang up on Joe again and make him admit what he was up to. They’re obsessed with calling him out. I mean I get it, Joe is super arrogant and thinks he’s pulled one over on everyone, but these guys are a bit too into it.

Joe ends up telling Jared to “shut the fuck up” and things get heated with JJ calling out to Joe, who’s down on the beach now, “let’s go!” JJ then says he’s “going to make him look like the hillbilly he is because he’s gong to go home with about four missing fucking teeth.” I love JJ.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Where There are Tears There’s an Ashley or a Clare

This week it’s the women’s turn to hand out the roses. The dynamic is fascinating when the tables are turned and the men no longer have the power. Not surprisingly they all start to behave in a way that could be described as very “female.” Yes, they all behave like chicks wanting to be picked by a guy.

The show opens with Tenley giving a speech after the rose ceremony about how she really believes in this process. This is Tenley’s week, she kills it. Not bad for an “old” broad.

Lauren is still complaining about how she hates this because she has a bad attitude and doesn’t like anybody. Lauren is an annoying princess, she’s the worst and she’s ruining her sister’s game.

Later, Lauren reveals to Tanner and Dan that she has someone back home that she’s “super into” and that he’s not her boyfriend she’s just “so in love with him she can’t think about anything.” Then she goes on to further say that she is kind of the “mistress” but he’s not married. This is probably completely normal in Jersey.

This news travels fast.

Lauren then starts crying about it in her interviews as well with her long, gross, beige acrylic nails. She’s just as emotionally unstable as her sister.

It comes up that Lauren wants Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season to show up. That really dumb welder guy you say? Yes, him. Then the sisters talk about how Joshua is 32 and how Lauren could start having babies with him right away. What the actual fuck? This is the kind of crazy you don’t want any part of if you’re a guy.

Next thing you know Joshua and his leg tattoo come walking down the stairs. Tenley is into it, as is Clare. Ashley I. immediately takes Joshua aside and tells him he should invite Lauren on the date, always a bad move. Lauren is not Joshua’s speed though, which is parked.

JJ let’s us know that he really doesn’t like Joshua which reads as he’s threatened by his arrival, he has the date card and he could ask Tenley out, which of course he does.

In one of many great sound bites from JJ this episode, he says that “giving Josh the date card is like giving the nuclear codes to an insane asylum, it doesn’t end well,” and, “giving Josh the date card is like putting a grenade in a dude with no arms’ mouth.”

Lauren starts crying that Joshua didn’t ask her and says, “I don’t know why the world is so awful to me.” The I. sisters take being victims to a whole new level.

Then we see Lauren dragging her luggage across the sand for some inexplicable reason, while Ashley I. watches her leave, crying hysterically from an upper balcony.

That night, while everyone is chilling at the villa, Dinosaur Joe from Kaitlyn’s season arrives. The “single” girls are all excited, but not for long. On the main franchise of The Bachelor, people’s full personalities are often hidden, but in Paradise they are free to be their awful selves. It’s what makes this show and it’s Lord of the Flies vibe so great.

Clare is immediately all over him, describing his arrival as “very, very refreshing,” which is a very Clare thing to say. She’s such an idiot. She then laughs a little too loudly as Joe mis-pronounces mañana when reading his date card.

Clare is in her intense “notice me,” trying-too-hard mode, saying that on paper Joe seems like the perfect guy for her, he’s a “very funny, awesome, cool guy.” So many daddy issues. Clare is here for love and she will find it, beat it over the head and drag it into her cave to hold it hostage forever if she has to.

There are now seven girls and nine guys, so two guys will be going home this week.

Joe immediately starts behaving like the psychotic weirdo he is, making everything awkward and having a go at Clare – the person who was the most into him, bringing up in front of everyone that this is not Clare’s “first rodeo.” This of course causes extremely emotionally fragile Clare to start crying.

The whole bit with Clare supposedly talking to the raccoon when she’s talking to a producer outside is really dumb. Please make it stop.

Joe asks the small group he’s talking to who wants to go horseback riding and Juelia puts up her hand. I guess she’s not that into little Jonathan after all. Then Joe pretends he didn’t ask her for real so everyone is confused.

Juelia is rocking some puka shell double-strand headband situation. She needs a lesson with her mascara too. Poor Juelia though, this is not her week.

Josh and Tenley go on their date into town. They make a perfect daggy couple, they have no style and they’re both huge dorks. Joshua tells Tenley about how he did drama in high school and then in college, the exact kind of information you should keep secret on a first date.

There’s also talk about how Tenley worked for Tokyo Disney and Josh makes a comment about it being Chinese. They both laugh and do another shot of cheap tequila.

Then Tenley starts checking out Joshua’s huge hands and tells him that his hands are “amazing.” Cringe. Joshua also has zero personality, but this is not discussed.

Tenley is already talking about having a future with him forever, I think this is a symptom of being really into Disney princesses, which she is.

There are more tequila shots, really bad dancing and making out, all to JJ’s voice over about how Josh has no shot with Tenley. JJ hasn’t and never will learn that his cockiness is always mis-placed. Josh makes some weird comments on the dance floor, as if he might be on drugs. More on that later.

When they get back to the villa from their date, a drunk JJ drags Tenley off and lays a kiss on her. Tenley is so unused to all this attention she forgets to push him off her, giggling like a school girl.

After JJ goes to bed, Tenley is spotted making out with Joshua again, this is the first “scandalous” behavior of the season so far and I say good for her. Keep your options open, girl.

The next day we are back to Juelia and her story – she’s a single mom who’s made the very difficult choice to leave her daughter to hopefully find love. It’s hard not to judge her choices at this point.

Jonathan clocks Joe as using Juelia to get a rose so he can stay around. He’s right, but no match for the game Joe’s running.

In my favorite sub-plot of the night, Joshua, in a sad attempt to sound cool and impress people, tells a story about taking the drug “molly,” AKA ecstasy, one time in Vegas and tells Jared and Ashley I. about a place in LA that sells coconuts with Molly in them. Um, where exactly is this place? Asking for a friend. It’s edited in a way to make it sound like Josh is reeeeaaally into taking Molly and getting his party on. I don’t buy it. He’s taken it a few times, tops.

Ashley I. says in her interview that Joshua is talking about drugs and molly which is a “weird hallucinogen which makes you all high and dancey.” It’s clear that none of these people have ever taken Molly, or maybe any drug, in their dull lives.

Mikey T. takes it upon himself to tell Tenley about Josh’s drug use because he is the self-anointed “Right Reasons Police.” Tenley, being the simpleton she is, is all freaked out now, thinking she’s repeating her “pattern” again with choosing the wrong guy and starts to spiral. No one can cope with anythings on this goddamn show!

Cut to Joe and Juelia’s date. Poor Juelia is really hoping to make a genuine connection with Joe who couldn’t be more insincere. Her hopefulness makes me sad when it becomes clear Joe is using her and has ulterior motives.

The next morning JJ hilariously continues to claim, “I’m not jealous at all,” when he’s clearly extremely jealous, continuing to talk a lot of shit about Joshua and where he’s from, which is Idaho, so that part is understandable. I’m starting to come around on JJ, he’s pretty entertaining.

Tenley confronts Joshua about his “lifestyle,” Joshua of course has a perfectly reasonable explanation about a bachelor party and trying molly one time and not being super into it. So glad that is all cleared up and Joshua’s not a molly addict after all.

Carly, for all her other faults, is the only one with kind of a sense of humor, I have to give her that. She’s quick to pick up on Joe’s not-into-Juelia vibe, too.

Next up is Mikey and Clare’s dramatic break up. Dan Cox tries to tell Mikey that he heard from a couple of the girls that Clare’s not feeling him. Mikey won’t believe it though, it doesn’t compute in his steroided-out brain.

They were only dating in Mikey’s head and the humiliation of rejection is more than meathead Mikey’s ego can take. He acts like a bitch for the next few days, being a dick to Clare, which sends her off the deep end again.

That night, Juelia delivers the, “I’m just not that into you” speech to Jonathan, basically telling him that she doesn’t feel romantic vibes towards him. Juelia’s hair is looking particularly ratchet, like JBF hair.

Joe is caught off camera talking to one of the producers about Juelia saying, “she’s not that smart is she?” He also reveals his true intentions – to meet and hook up with Samantha when she arrives – and displays more of his vile behavior including letting a huge fart rip. Joe is pretty base.

Poor Juelia is a really bad judge of character and has no real intuition. Joe has clearly avoided her since they got back from their date where he was all over her. This is a classic example of how people can read into things that aren’t there because they want to believe.

Meanwhile the Clare/Ashley I./Jared love triangle continues to bloom with Clare trying to figure out how she can maneuver her way into his sights and Ashley I. saying that Jared is her dream man and is literally everything that she’s ever wanted in a guy. Jared, the restaurant manager from Rhode Island with sharp features and gross, patchy facial hair, not much personality and that accent, who’s possibly still in love with Kaitlyn. Seriously? This proves my theory that hook-ups on vacation are never choices you’d consider in real life.

Around the beach bonfire that night Clare and Jared are getting cozy. When Jared asks Clare on his date she is over excited and Ashely I. begins to immediately unravel because she can’t handle rejection at all. The production psychologist really has her hands full here.

Delusional Mikey is sulking that his bro has swooped in to ask his girl Clare out, telling Jared that if he wants to date a girl that’s eight years older than him that’s his prerogative. All the age shaming of the women on this show is extremely weird and gross.

Mikey thinks because he’s been unsuccessfully pursuing Clare from the get-go, that he has some rights to her and no one else is allowed to come near her because he’s a big, dumb meathead. He adds that where he’s from, in real life if that had happened in front of his face he would’ve beat the shit out of Jared. ‘Roid talk.

Kirk says that Mikey’s wedding vision board is ruined now. Hahahahahahaha. Kirk is the ginge who’s coupled-up with Carly, in case you’d forgotten.

The next morning Clare and Jared go on their sailing date and she uses all her favorite adjectives like “amazing” and “gorgeous.” Clare is a wealth of basic phrases and Instagram hashtags.

  Meanwhile, back at the villa, Ashley I. is talking shit about Clare, calling her a “massive cougar.”

Mikey continues to be a bitch and shit talk about Clare, he just can’t believe she wasn’t into him. Also, he has his hair in a little pony tail on top of his head and he’s wondering what happened??

Clare and Jared are at the bungee jump portion of their date where Clare screams nonstop like an idiot. Jared kissed her before they jumped though, so now she’s in love and planning their wedding.

Mispronunciation alert: Ashley S. says that she saw Juelia when she got back from her date and she was just so “mitten.”

Joshua has his shirt off to reveal all his horrendous tattoos. The molly was going to be a deal breaker for Tenley but those tatts aren’t?!?

Ashely I. cries some more when Clare returns from her date, bragging in typical Clare fashion about how awesome it was.

 

Michael G. shows up to add to the already large pool of guys. He reveals he has his sights set on Tenley, saying, “Her name might be Tenley but to me she’s an elevenly.” He immediately asks her on his date.

All the guys are threatened by Michael G., mostly because he has a college education and an actual career, which they’ve heard chicks are into.

In a desperate move, Mikey makes a slightly rape-y play for Juelia, trying to force a kiss on her on the beach with she’s so not into. Mikey can’t read situations, has no game and should just go home, he sucks.

Michael G. and Tenley’s date is a table set up in shallow water so they have to take their shoes off and have their feet wet throughout their entire dinner which sounds horrendous. This is followed by a 100 person Mariachi band, pretty much my worst nightmare.

Clare, who buys buys all her accessories at her namesake “Claire’s,” is getting dumped again, this time by Jared who is just not that into her, or apparently their 8 year age difference. Jared is a huge wuss and goes running straight to crazy, Ashley I., who he’s also not that into.

It’s the night of the Rose ceremony and Mikey T uses the term, “power couples, ” when surveying the scene. He’s referring to boring, coupled-up Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S. and Dan Cox.

Jonathan, in a red pants and vest combo, tells Juelia that Joe isn’t there for the right reasons. She’s skeptical though until Mikey, The Right Reasons Police, says the same thing to her.

Joe continues to play Juelia really hard, kissing her and pretending that he’s into her, assuaging her fears. Then a few minutes later he’s caught on camera talking to a producer about how he wants to beat up Jonathan and Mikey. Joe’s deranged anger issues are now on full display.

After a man-to-man talk with Mikey, Joe tells the producer that he made Mikey has bitch. He then goes and does the same thing to Jonathan, who ends up having a full breakdown in the bathroom, with psycho Joe comforting him. Joe is shaping up to be the best villain we’ve seen on this franchise so far.

Jared comes back to Ashley I. after breaking up with Clare and tells her he wants to get to know her better then they kiss, afterwards Ashley telling him, “you do that just as well as you did with Kaitlyn.” This bitch really knows how to ruin a moment. They kiss again and she tells him, “good job.” It’s now clear how she’s still a virgin at 26.

Clare is starting to unravel for real now, she gives everyone one of her epic speeches while breaking down. She’s an epic attention seeker but even Jade’s not buying it and calls her out. Clare replies with the most Clare response of, “if the shoe fits wear it.” Nobody knows what the hell she means.

Tenley, faced with three suitors this week, gives her rose to Joshua, affirming for him his decision to get all those awful tattoos. Michael G. can’t believe it and frankly, neither can JJ. They both feel like they’re in some bizarro world. As JJ said, the princess in the Disney movie doesn’t go off with the blacksmith.

Clare’s voice over continues over the whole rose ceremony, with her talking about not knowing what to do with her rose seeing as she has no romantic connection with anyone, then all of a sudden she abruptly leaves the group and goes outside in tears, Chris Harrison in tow.

Chris Harrison tells Clare to pull her self together.

TO BE CONTINUED!